Too Sexy To Die: 10 Characters Who Were Saved By Their Sex Appeal
By Joanna Robinson | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (39)
News broke around the interwebs today that [Two-Month-Old Spoiler Alert!!] James Franco’s character, Will Rodman, was originally meant to die at the end of The Rise Of The Planet Of The Prepositional Phrase. Not just die, but die dramatically yet manfully in the arms of Andy Serkis’s Caeser. A sort of “my captain, my king” moment. Not a dry eye in the house. Things didn’t turn out that way for a number of reasons (sequel) known only to the master craftsmen and storytellers (and soon to be boat owners) involved in the making of this fine film. This is not the first time a handsome lead or supporting character has been spared the knife/bullet/smoke monster because of a rewrite. This sort of revision comes more easily to the television medium given both the timeline and the interactive audience response. If a character is super popular with viewers, they probably won’t get the axe/blaster/neurotoxin. (Whedon and Martin characters always excepted.) And you know what helps the most? Sex appeal. Sex sells and sex saves, hallelujah. So here they are, ten characters who were saved (mostly if not entirely) by their sex appeal.
Dr. Jack Shephard: “Lost”: “Jack was meant to die in the pilot. The “pilot” in the trees after Jack, Charlie, and Kate were chased was actually supposed to be Jack.”
Postmortem: Oh how I wish they had stuck to their original plan. We would have been spared years of sanctimonious, priggish lecturing and inexplicable puppy dog eyes directed at Kate.
Riggs: Lethal Weapon 2: “In the original script, the South Africans were even more vicious. At one point, they even torture Riggs in much the same manner as Mr. Joshua in the original. The ending climaxed with a distraught Riggs dying after the wounds delivered from Arjen Rudd.”
Postmortem: It would have been such a mercy to end the franchise here…I’m sorry but Pesci? Rock? I’m too old for this sh*t.
Walton Goggins: “Justified”: “Raylan Givens was supposed to kill his old friend Boyd Crowder, just as he did in “Fire in the Hole,” the Elmore Leonard short story on which it was based. But producer Graham Yost saw that “The Shield” alum Walton Goggins was so magnetic as Boyd that it would be a waste to kill him - and Leonard, often irked when adaptations deviate too much from his work, approved.”
Postmortem: You may not think Goggins is sexy, but that just means you either a) don’t have eyeballs or b) haven’t watched “Justified.” Watch “Justified,” okay? And then thank your lucky stars and Graham Yost that Boyd Crowder lived to clog another day.
Han Solo: Return Of The Jedi: “The original idea was that they would recover [the kidnapped] Han Solo in the early part of the story and that he would then die in the middle part of the film in a raid on an Imperial base. George then decided he didn’t want any of the principals killed. By that time there were really big toy sales and that was a reason.”
Postmortem: This may be an unpopular decision, but I think Lucas made the wrong call here. I think the series would be even better if something other than that Ewok had bit the dust. Oh, fine, Yoda, Obi-Wan, Anakin, Owen & Beru. But where’s the SEXY death?
Dr. Camille Saroyan: “Bones”: “In the episode “The Man in the Cell”, Camille is almost killed by a neurotoxin (methyl bromide) to which she is exposed by serial killer Howard Epps. Epps’ attack on Dr. Saroyan has an extreme emotional effect on both Brennan and Booth. Luckily, Hodgins manages to find out what the toxin is and alerts the hospital in time to save Cam. Originally, Saroyan was supposed to die in the episode, ending her character run; but the cast and the producers thought Camille Saroyan was a good addition to the storyline and decided to keep her.”
Postmortem: Thank god they didn’t kill her. As much as I love mocking Dr. Saroyan’s wardrobe her wry intelligence and occasional bitchery are a great addition to the show.
Spike: “Buffy: the Vampire Slayer”/”Angel”: “The character was supposed to die in three to five episodes. We did three and I didn’t die. We did two more and I didn’t die. In the script for the fifth episode, I got conked on the head with an organ, and said, ‘Well, that’s it - I’m dead.’ Then they sent me another script and I was back. It was a pleasant surprise that I didn’t die, because I was fully expecting to. All I really wanted was a good body count and a good death, but lo and behold, I got a career.”
Postmortem: If you know me at all, you know I’m a Spike girl. Good call, Whedon. For once.
Clarence: True Romance: “In an alternative ending (Tarantino’s version), Clarence is killed by the bullet and Alabama is seen hitchhiking on a Mexican road.”
Postmortem: As much as I love a good old fashioned Tarantino murder spree (Inglorious Bloodbathsterds! He killed Fassbender!), there’s something very sweet and sick about the happy ending to True Romance…and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Lafayette Reynolds: “True Blood”: “The short-order cook played by Nelsan Ellis in the TV version, was killed at the end of the first novel, but he remains very much alive - and one of “True Blood’s” most beloved characters - in the HBO series’ fourth season.”
Postmortem: Hooker, please, Lafayette is the best part about this show and Alan Ball knows it.
Helo and Athena: “Battlestar Galactica”: “Initially, Helo and Athena were supposed to die and Hera would be raised by Gaius Baltar and Caprica-Six. This would make sense as in the Opera House vision Baltar and Caprica-Six take Hera into the Opera House and Athena and Roslin don’t make it inside. It also lends well for a symbolical structure of the series: Caprica-Six kills a child at the beginning and raises one at the end, they destroyed one civilization and then at the end they nurture the foundation of another one.”
Postmortem: Even though these deaths were meant to take place at the end of the series, one moment without Tamoh Penikett’s glistening biceps (no, seriously, they’re lit from within) feels like an eternity.
Carol Hathaway “ER”: “Originally, Carol Hathaway’s suicide was intended to be successful, but her death in the pilot was never shown or referred to by other characters, leaving her open for a return. Audiences responded so well to her character that producers decided to offer Julianna Margulies a permanent spot in the cast.”
Postmortem: Without Julianna Margulies there is no Carol Hathaway. Without Carol Hathaway there is no epic Doug Ross/Carol Hathaway Will They/Won’t They/WHY DON’T THEY ALREADY angst. Without the angst, George Clooney cannot shine. Without a shiny TV George Clooney there is no shiny movie George Clooney. No Out Of Sight. No O Brother, Whereart Thou? No Fantastic Mr. Fox. NO EYE CRINKLES. Ladies and gentlemen, I don’t want to c*ssing live in a world without eye crinkles. Bless you, “ER” producers, bless you.
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Comments
Posted by: wildflower at October 4, 2011 6:06 AM
I'm with you on Spike but have to disagree about Jack. He was my favorite character on Lost ( I know I'm alone). But the poor bastard just always tried to do the right thing however misguided, bless.