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The Ten Most Bad Ass Jesuses

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (46)

thumb_jesus-christ-vampire-hunter.jpg

10. Leon Craig, Jerry Springer: The Opera

9. Tristan Bell, Zombie Jesus

8. Chris Pontius, TV the Movie (at 1:46)

7. Willem Dafoe, The Last Temptation of Christ

6. Matt Stone, “The Spirit of Christmas”

5. Jack Black, Prop 8: The Musical

4. Phil Caracas, Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter

3. Steve Coogan, Hamlet 2

2. Justin Theroux, The Ten

1. John Turturro, The Big Lebowski







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Comments

HAHAHA. Best number one choice ever.

Posted by: Marcela at October 29, 2009 12:02 PM

And John Goodman was classic in that role. Man, now I have to Netflix this again.

Posted by: Gwenn at October 29, 2009 12:07 PM

John Turturro is the shit!

Posted by: Courtney at October 29, 2009 12:11 PM

You do not fuck with the Jesus!

Posted by: TylerDFC at October 29, 2009 12:12 PM

Jou said it man...

Eight years old, Dude. Eight year olds.

Posted by: amanda47 at October 29, 2009 12:17 PM

I'm going to stand back a bit. You know, just in case someone gets smote.

Wait...maybe it isn't smote. Smited? Smitten? I don't know the correct form of that word to use, but you know, capped in the ass with a bolt of lightning.

Posted by: ZombieNurse at October 29, 2009 12:17 PM

Let me tell you something, pendejo - You pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger 'til it goes "click."

Posted by: TK at October 29, 2009 12:18 PM

Temp. hijack: those "interactive advertisements" are fucking awful. The minute you click the sound off of one another starts up. How does Pajiba retrieve its soul from this demon?

Resume thread.

Posted by: Hoppy at October 29, 2009 12:18 PM

Jesopus remains shrouded in mystery.

Posted by: Cindy at October 29, 2009 12:19 PM

Hee! I did not see that coming.

8 year olds, Dude.

Posted by: Julie at October 29, 2009 12:22 PM

Lovely. Just lovely.

Posted by: admin at October 29, 2009 12:24 PM

YES! Number two. Fucking awesome.

Posted by: Christian H. at October 29, 2009 12:29 PM

Yes. This is wonderful.

Maybe an honorable mention for Fat Jesus in The Hangover...

Posted by: esme at October 29, 2009 12:34 PM

YES. Jerry Springer: The Opera is amazing. Thank you for that. Imma go listen to that soundtrack again.

Posted by: kalexal at October 29, 2009 12:34 PM

Turturro is ROCKING that leisure suit. All kinds of awesome.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at October 29, 2009 12:41 PM

When I saw "Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter" I immediately thought of the comic series with the same premise. If anyone else has read this, you may know just how cool it was, at least in comparison with the B-movie clip above...

Posted by: danny at October 29, 2009 12:50 PM

UM
What about Ted Neeley?

I don't know many Jesi who can hit a high 'C'

Just sayin'

Posted by: Ian at October 29, 2009 12:51 PM

So every tuesday night, we sit and have movie night. ANd I will be honest, it is mainly bad horror movie night or sometimes just bad movies. I can appreciate a stinking pile of crap in the dvd player as much as the next person. I relish in them at times. But one day, as my better half was going through netflix, she came across a suggestion. "Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter" Never to be turned away she got it and we proceeded with movie night.

A Hundred Percent Pile Of Shit.

I mean, my dogs leave shits in the backyard that look better then this movie was. I was begging her to turn it off 10 minutes into but never to back down, she kept it going much to my screaming brain. I will admit that God showing himself as talking ice cream was inspired. (who doesn't see god with a nice bowl of ice cream and fudge) BUT to be a musical at times too. Luche Fucking LIbre Wrestler was his back up. What the fuck drugs did they do. I mean, seriously...what the fuck did they take because I needed all I could swallow to watch it. By far...the worst movie I have ever seen

There...my rant is done.

Posted by: Guinness Leary at October 29, 2009 12:53 PM

I'm nominating Phil Caracas for: BEST NAME EVER!

alternate awesomeness: Phil Maracas

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at October 29, 2009 12:53 PM

Hell yes for the Phil Caracas love! Any movie where Christ knows Kung Fu, beats up a clown car's worth of atheists in slow motion, dispatches vampires with toothpicks and drumsticks as improvised stakes, and dances an upbeat musical number in downtown Ottawa is a movie to be reckoned with.

And it's on demand on Netflix. Go watch it right now! Now, my pretties!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Cat at October 29, 2009 12:58 PM

I'd never seen that clip from "The Ten" before, and it cracked my shit up.

Vaginaaaaaa. Vagiiiiinaaaaaaaaaa.

Hahahahahaha.

Posted by: linny at October 29, 2009 12:59 PM

OK, I have no idea what that Jerry Springer thing is, but that was HI-Larious.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at October 29, 2009 1:01 PM

Ian:

I'm with you. Ted Neeley's Jesus could sing, throw the money lenders out of the temple and he got hot and heavy with Mary Magdalene. Plus he stared down those pharisees with the creepy big black hats. That's bad-ass.

Posted by: PaddyDog at October 29, 2009 1:03 PM

Buddy Christ! He wasn't much of a badass, but anything portrayed by George Carlin is, by default, totally badass.

Posted by: agent bedhead at October 29, 2009 1:15 PM

Ted Neeley eats other Jesuses for breakfast.

Posted by: ZombieScientist at October 29, 2009 1:42 PM

Much love for the number choice.

"It don't matter to Jesus!"

Posted by: stardust savant at October 29, 2009 1:43 PM

Justin Theroux FTW.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at October 29, 2009 2:36 PM

What, no Buddy Christ?!?

Posted by: Lunchbox20 at October 29, 2009 2:46 PM

Yay Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter!! that movie is from my hometown! it was awesome seeing a fuckass B-movie on the bigscreen starring people you're used to seeing sitting around the tavern!

Posted by: idleprimate at October 29, 2009 3:21 PM

We have a guy at work (very shy) who looks exactly like John Tuturro. We got him The Jesus bobblehead in his purple outfit with bowling ball. He's an engineer at a world famous firm, and the best was when Japanese or Middle Eastern firms would come into his workplace and RECOGNIZE the character!!!!


That also used to be my cellphone ringtone: "Nobody fucks with The Jesus!"

Posted by: scorzi at October 29, 2009 3:51 PM

Ok, but don't forget that Willem Dafoe's Jesus pulled out his still beating heart to hush up his squabbling disciples. If that ain't badass...

Posted by: Chickaboom at October 29, 2009 3:59 PM

Chickaboom:

If you've been raised Irish-Catholic, a Jesus who stands before you holding his beating, bleeding heart that he ripped from his chest is just what you see on the mantlepiece each night as you're eating your dinner. No big deal.

Posted by: PaddyDog at October 29, 2009 4:24 PM

This reminds me of my favorite web page (of the ones I've made). It's a few buff baby Jesuses from paintings in a Dutch museum. http://www.figlife.com/Site/Behold.html

Posted by: Lainie at October 29, 2009 4:36 PM

What about the Jesus from "Reefer Madness?"

Posted by: Jess at October 29, 2009 4:36 PM

PaddyDog, I wasn't; Scorsese really got my attention with that imagery.

Posted by: Chickaboom at October 29, 2009 4:52 PM

WOOT Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter. Ottawa represent!

Posted by: citize_cris at October 29, 2009 5:21 PM

I have to make another WOOT for Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter!! Lets all grab shawarma's with extra garlic and go down to the Dom and celebrate!!

Posted by: Amanda at October 29, 2009 6:32 PM

Far and away the number one bad ass Jesus is Austin Bragg as Jesus Christ Supercop. I don't want to spoil too much, but at one point he resurrects a criminal just so he can shoot him in the face a second time.

Posted by: muchsarcasm at October 29, 2009 7:02 PM

Funny you should mention Jack Black, because may I present to you: Jeepers Creepers: Semi-Star.

Posted by: SaBrina at October 29, 2009 8:57 PM

I'd like to second the Jesus from Reefer Madness. And while he might not be "badass," I'd like to throw in Jessie from Mr. Deity.

Posted by: Rowen at October 29, 2009 10:31 PM

The problem with Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter is that not 30 minutes in Jesus gets a haircut and is no longer Jesus, but just some asshole who can't act.

Posted by: Sanyo at October 29, 2009 10:50 PM

Posted by: , (the commenter formerly known as bucdaddy), at October 29, 2009 11:55 PM

Hilarious!

Posted by: Jackseppelin at October 30, 2009 5:37 AM

Fucking Quintana...

That creep can roll, man...

Posted by: D-Day at October 30, 2009 11:44 AM

Yes! "Reefer Madness" Jesus! He was hot and could sing!

Posted by: cdawk at October 31, 2009 2:55 PM

Today it's so eazy to attain anything but it is so cruel to conceptualise something equivalent yours.

Posted by: Salvador Jackett at February 11, 2011 7:19 AM


















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