The Seven Affable And Sane-Seeming Celebrity Couples Least Likely To Name Their Kid "Velvet Tuning Fork Jolie-Pitt"

By Joanna Robinson | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (34)

I was reading about Germany’s oddly strict naming laws this morning and revisiting some of the classic crimes against humanity perpetrated by Celebrities Who Procreate. You’ve heard them before. The Greatest Hits:

Audio Science (Son of actress Shannyn Sossaman)

Pilot Inspektor (Son of actor Jason Lee)

Jermajesty (Son of Singer Jermaine Jackson)

Sage Moonblood (Son of Sylvester Stallone)

Moxie CrimeFighter (Daughter of Penn Jillette)

Rocket (Son of Robert Rodriguez who also fathered to Racer, Rebel, Rhiannon, and Rogue)

I mean, I have a fondness for alliteration too, Roberto, but come on. This certainly isn’t just a celebrity phenomenon. The article also enumerates hideous acts of naming cruelty perpetrated by every day folks (Monster Moor, Goblin Fester, Cheese Ceaser, Leper Priest, Garage Empty, Hysteria Johnson, Nice Deal, Butcher Baker, Lotta Beers, Emma Royd, Post Office, Good Bye, King Arthur, Infinity Hubbard, Please Cope, Major Slaughter, Helen Troy). And then, of course there’s the popular Name Of The Year contest which, this year, includes such greats as Delorean Blow, A’Trey-U Jones, Atticus Disney and Taco B.M. Monster. (My money’s on A’Trey-U. A’TREEEYY-UUUUUUU!!) The Germans are looking less unreasonable now, no?

Anyway, there’s plenty of batsh*t in the world, and plenty of celebrity batsh*t in the world so I wanted to take a moment to celebrate the most refreshingly unbatsh*t couples out there and contemplate what name they might saddle their genetically gifted offspring with.

1. Diane Kruger and Joshua Jackson (RIP)
Worst-Case Scenario: Diane changed her name from Heidkrüger to Kruger, so I don’t think she’ll go TOO Germanic. Friedrich Kruger-Jackson

2. Michael Sheen and Rachel McAdams
Worst-Case Scenario: Michael is Welsh and the Welsh are true geniuses when it comes to naming something as if you’ve just had a seizure over your keyboard. (Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.) However, he named his first daughter with Kate Beckinsale “Lily Mo” not “Llylly Moew” and Rachel McAdams is one of the blander slices of Canadian bacon I’ve ever seen. Charlie McAdams-Sheen

3. Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi
Worst-Case Scenario: This is a tricksy one and the fate of this child will depend entirely on Ellen’s intervention. Portia de Rossi was born “Amanda Lee Rogers” so we know she’s not above tarting things up a little. Ellen, however, seems super-duper sane barring one mop-top blind spot. Justine Bieber-Fiebre de Rossi-DeGeneres

4. Freida Pinto and Dev Patel
Worst-Case Scenario: I know, you’re concerned. “Dev” and “Freida” sound really foreign to you. But did you know that “Dev” is pronounced “Dave”? He might as well be named “Bob Patel.” Bob Pinto-Patel Jr.

5. John Krasinski and Emily Blunt
Worst-Case Scenario: There’s always a danger, when the Brits are involved, of some sort of ungainly moniker that sounds maiden auntie-ish to our American ears. (Beatrice and Eugenie?! How are these women not in their 60’s?) Krasinski, however, seems fairly american white bread. Let’s go with the UK’s most popular (if still rather auntie-esque) name. Florence Blunt-Krasinski

6. Zoe Saldana and Ol’ Whathisface Wedontcare
Worst-Case Scenario: We’re going to need all the blandening Zoe’s not-really famous mate has to offer to counteract her perverse punctuation proclivities. She’s been billed as Zoë Saldana, Zoe Saldaña, and Zoë Saldaña. Honestly. Jöhñ Saldaña-Wedontcare

7. Lauren Graham and Peter Krause
Worst-Case Scenario: Awww, aren’t they the cutest? Sorry, focus, okay. Krause has a son from a previous marriage named Roman which, as far as Italian adjectives go, ain’t bad. We’ll just hope it’s not a trend. Venetian Graham-Krause

Joanna Llewellyn Robinson realizes she has not a leg to stand on when criticizing either the Welsh or maiden auntie names. Email! Twitter!

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Comments

Cheese Ceaser

I read this a Cheese Chester at first and got a little too excited.
http://media.masslive.com/sports_impact/photo/9141566-large.jpg

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at May 24, 2011 4:07 PM

Hen-Teaser Bay?

Posted by: The Wanderer at May 24, 2011 4:11 PM

Moxie CrimeFighter

Piss off, that's a great name.

Posted by: Jay at May 24, 2011 4:16 PM

Yeah, Moxie CrimeFighter is a pretty good name. For a dog.

Posted by: Cree83 at May 24, 2011 4:24 PM

One of my students is named Pleasure Cox. No lie. What a terrible thing to do to your daughter - unless, of course, your goal is to eventually see her spin around a pole.

Posted by: bibliophile at May 24, 2011 4:28 PM

What a terrible thing to do to your daughter - unless, of course, your goal is to eventually see her spin around a pole.

Hey! Firefighting is a very noble occupation!

Posted by: branded at May 24, 2011 4:31 PM

What I want to know is, when two people who already have a double-last name get married, what the hell are their kids' last names going to be?

Posted by: Todd at May 24, 2011 4:33 PM

True story: I've been to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. It is very nice there, and they have a lovely passport stamp.

Posted by: JakesAlterEgo at May 24, 2011 4:33 PM

Bite me. All of you.

Posted by: Kal-El Cage at May 24, 2011 4:37 PM

Wait, Kruger/Jackson have split? Whenwherewhy?

Posted by: beet salad at May 24, 2011 4:40 PM

First of all, that picture of Michael Sheen and Rachael McAdams is adorable.

Second of all, I kind of LIKE the names Beatrice and Eugenie. Allow me to pierce the veil of anonymity for a moment:

My real name is Margaret Louise, and my best friend since childhood's name is Phyllis Edna (!!!). We were ready to be old ladies in a nursing home together since the day we were born.

Posted by: MM at May 24, 2011 4:42 PM

I will murder you in your sleep.

Posted by: Diva Thin Muffin Zappa at May 24, 2011 4:42 PM

I can't stand the pics of Rachel and Michael because they're just too cute together for me to handle, and my heart wants to explode for them.

Paul Bettany and Jennifer Connelly should be on this list, too. They've got a third one on the way, and the kid has a good chance of having an interesting but largely un-weird name. Paul said when they were choosing a name for their first kid together (Jennifer's second), he sought the advice of teenage girls which name was hotter: Alfie (because he's English) or Stellan (after his buddy el Skarsgard). That's a good daddy.

Posted by: Jos at May 24, 2011 5:02 PM

In defense of Robert Rodriguez, Rebel and Rogue are pretty cool names. Conan (oh the irony) had Rebel Wilson on the other night.

Posted by: Dizzle at May 24, 2011 5:39 PM

Posted by: Jos at May 24, 2011 5:02 PM

I think it would have made more sense for Paul Bettany to seek the opinion of thirty-something married mothers on whether he is sexier naked or clothed.

Posted by: angie at May 24, 2011 6:04 PM

Is Rodriguez planning on starting his own X-men?

Posted by: John W at May 24, 2011 6:07 PM

Oh, beet salad, there's always one.

Posted by: The Only New Zealander at May 24, 2011 6:59 PM

(Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.)

BWAAAA!!!!

Posted by: Julie at May 24, 2011 8:06 PM

Remember when Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston seemed like the sane ones?

I don't understand why people give their children nicknames for given names, but since my name is Scarecrow who am I to talk?

Posted by: Scarecrow Boat at May 24, 2011 9:15 PM

My favorite actual name of an actual person:

Shere-Khan Smoot

No mention of siblings Mowgli, Baloo or Kaa.

Posted by: , at May 25, 2011 1:58 AM

I have a student named Sweet Love. No joke. That is her first name. I feel like only a 13 or 14 year old could possible think that naming her daughter Sweet Love was a good idea.
Thus I assume that Sweet Love's mother is currently about my age.

Posted by: DominaNefret at May 25, 2011 2:41 AM

I have known or known of people with the follwing names:

Franklin Nelson Stein AKA Frank N. Stein (schoolmate in Elementary School)

Michael Hunt AKA Mike Hunt (father of Chris Hunt, a schoolmate from High School)

Pajama (pronounced Pay-ja-may, one of my step-mother's students several years ago)

Clamidia (pronouced the same as the venereal disease chlamydia, another student my step-mother had)

Posted by: CptCrckpot at May 25, 2011 3:35 AM

Am I the only one that had no idea any of these people were dating each other (with the exception of DeGeneres and de Rossi)? That said, nicely done Krasinski. You bastard.

Posted by: TylerDFC at May 25, 2011 6:49 AM

My arch nemesis in my Girl Scout troop, her mom's name was Fonda Lynn Peters. No lie. I am totally serious.

Posted by: MRod at May 25, 2011 9:18 AM

Good list Courtney. I guess Moon Unit Zappa and Dweezil Zappa are old hat now.

One of our local politicians is named Dick Headlee.

For real.

Posted by: logan at May 25, 2011 10:09 AM

Jermajesty will never not be funny.

Posted by: Kristen at May 25, 2011 10:30 AM

One of my co-workers when I was teaching had a student named Shithead, pronounced Shi-teed. Awful.

Posted by: ninetwenteetoo at May 25, 2011 5:19 PM

I have a friend who went to school with a girl named 'Spatule'-French for spatula and made worse by the fact that she was a francophone. Any chance of obfuscation to save face was nil.

She got pregnant in grade seven, that's the truth.

Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Besser at May 25, 2011 7:07 PM

"," - Mowgli went to school with my youngest son.

Posted by: Uncle JR at May 29, 2011 2:35 AM

We'll I hope Friedrich Kruger-Jackson's nickname would be Freddy.
Antonio Kamakanaalohamaikalani Harvey Sabato III would like a word with those kids.

Posted by: Adrien at May 29, 2011 8:25 AM

Am I the only one that had no idea any of these people were dating each other (with the exception of DeGeneres and de Rossi)? That said, nicely done Krasinski. You bastard.
Posted by: TylerDFC at May 25, 2011 6:49 AM

Nope. I had no idea Jim from the office was walking around with Emily Blunt. How does that happen?

Posted by: John G. at May 29, 2011 2:09 PM

Every year my family's life insurance agent sent a calendar with his name in large letters on every page. His name? Dick B. Cumming. Hand to God. WHY NOT GO BY RICH?! And please skip the middle initial. It's offensively ungrammatical.

Oh, I also went to school with a Kymberly Wymberly. The last name was obtained from a step-father who adopted her, but still.

Posted by: Codger at May 30, 2011 9:10 PM

WOW
Didn't know Peter and Lauren were together.
I like them both but the mix of Six feet under Gilmore girls is too much for my mind.

Posted by: James at May 31, 2011 1:34 PM

I loved as much as you'll receive carried out right here

Posted by: Free Calls to Pakistan at July 23, 2011 8:14 AM

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The Seven Affable And Sane-Seeming Celebrity Couples Least Likely To Name Their Kid "Velvet Tuning Fork Jolie-Pitt"

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