The Only 12 People On The 2011 Forbes Celebrity 100 List I Wouldn't Kick In The Taint

By Joanna Robinson | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (64)

Every year Forbes releases their Celebrity 100 list which isn’t comprised of the richest or most famous celebrities, but rather aims to rank (using, what, I don’t know, the Hogwarts Sorting Hat?) and quantify that elusive quality of “celebrity.” The Five Categories on which these people are judged are Money and their presence on TV/Radio, in the Press, on the Web, um, in the Social scene. (I secretly suspect there is a swimsuit competition as well.) Once Forbes has thrown America’s most famous people through this weird and somewhat arbitrary Hadron Collider, do you know what comes out the other side? For the most part it’s the People Who Are Making This Country A Stupider, Duller, Cheesier, Lamer Place. So you can get it a taste, here’s the Forbes Top Ten:

1. Lady Gaga
2. Oprah Winfrey
3. Justin Bieber
4. U2 (though I suspect they really mean Bono)
5. Elton John
6. Tiger Woods
7. Taylor Swift
8. Bon Jovi (whaaaaaaaa?)
9. Simon Cowell
10. LeBron James

So, yeah, that Rapture/Apocalypse thing isn’t looking so far-fetched now, right? You can read the rest of the list which includes Charlie Sheen (#28) and Glenn Beck (#30) here. But, you know what, there are a few people who deserve all the hype and acclaim. It ain’t easy to be that rich and powerful and successful without coming off, from time to time, like a total doucheweasel. Do I really want to kick Angelina Jolie in the taint? No, I guess, not really, but she and her Brad Pitt Brat Pack do make me wrinkle my nose from time to time. The following twelve folks, however, should teach a Master Class on “How To Be Both Popular AND Adorable.” No small feat.

12. Mark Wahlberg-Forbes #74

11. Robert Downey Jr.-Forbes #66

10. Sandra Bullock-Forbes #44

9. Usher-Forbes #32

8. Danica Patrick-Forbes #96

7. Courtney Cox-Forbes #93

6. Ellen DeGeneres-Forbes #31

5. Christopher Nolan-Forbes #47

4. Tina Fey-Forbes #92

3. Steven Spielberg-Forbes #22

2. Hugh Laurie-Forbes #97

1. Tom Hanks-Forbes #58

**Full-disclosure, I don’t really do sports. I thought Kevin Durant was wearing lederhosen the other night. So if any of the athletes on that Forbes list are adorable and cuddly and worthy of my love, please let me know. The Williams sisters? Are they cool peeps?

Joanna Robinson is currently contemplating how enjoyable it would be to kick Danielle Steel in the taint. Let her know who you would most enjoy kicking via Email! or Twitter. Oh and if you’re wondering why RDJ is so low, Joanna can only assume you haven’t seen Iron Man 2 or Due Date yet. Lucky you.

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Comments

My buddy is working for the catering company that goes on tour with Usher. Apparently hes a dick and rides segway around.

Posted by: Sad ROckstar at May 19, 2011 4:10 PM

Steven Spielberg is pushing it...

Posted by: D-Day at May 19, 2011 4:10 PM

I don't know exactly what the money number is, I'm guessing yearly income.

Larry the Cable Guy made $12 million MORE than Natalie Portman.

Posted by: Paultera at May 19, 2011 4:13 PM

Danica Patrick??? No fucking way.

Posted by: max at May 19, 2011 4:15 PM

While Usher himself is immensely cool, he is also responsible for the Bieber, and for that I can never forgive him. It doesn't matter that even I somehow become impregnated when that man hits the stage.

I haven't seen the list yet, but unless it has Sidney Crosby, Tim Duncan, or Albert Pujols on it, which I doubt, you aren't making any glaring omissions.

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at May 19, 2011 4:17 PM

Danica Patrick has a soul as black as night.

Posted by: the_wakeful at May 19, 2011 4:18 PM

Danica Patrick? Usher? Why not just make it an even 10?

Posted by: Me at May 19, 2011 4:18 PM

Danica Patrick??!!

I think that's the actual picture under the words douchweasel and unadorable in the dictionary. Geesh Danica f'in Patrick and here I thought this was a real list.

Posted by: Phat girl at May 19, 2011 4:19 PM

Wait, the executive producer of and inspiration for Entourage doesn't deserve a hot shot right in the Planters?!

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at May 19, 2011 4:20 PM

Danica Patrick is immensely unlikeable.

And yeah, I could totally see Usher being a dick, but my love for him knows no bounds.

Posted by: Mel C. at May 19, 2011 4:21 PM

Mark Wahlberg? Have you seen him interviewed? His entitled pr*ck vibe practically requires its own airspace. Where's MY whacking stick?

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at May 19, 2011 4:22 PM

USHER?!?!? He's the reason we have BEIBER. Burn him at the stake.

Oh and SHUT UP Danica Patrick. SHUT UP AND STOP DOING GO DADDY COMMERCIALS.

Posted by: Melody at May 19, 2011 4:26 PM

With all the Danica Patrick remarks you would think that 90% of Pajiba commenters are from Alabama.

Posted by: Allen at May 19, 2011 4:26 PM

We are God's Alabamians, Allen.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at May 19, 2011 4:29 PM

the executive producer of and inspiration for Entourage

He IS also a producer on Boardwalk Empire, though. It almost balances out. Almost.

Posted by: Paultera at May 19, 2011 4:30 PM

Full disclosure: I think RDJ is kinda douchey. Also takes himself waaay too fucking seriously judging from his reaction to Ricky Gervais' GG gig.

Oh and I can't stand Tom Hanks. He's boring, beige, porridge. That's right. I'm hating today.

Posted by: Joker at May 19, 2011 4:30 PM

I think one could make the argument of including Adam Clayton on your list.

Posted by: Rob at May 19, 2011 4:31 PM

8. Bon Jovi (whaaaaaaaa?)

That is the EXACT same reaction I had when I heard the top ten this morning on the radio. I'm still waiting for an explanation other than the list maker mistakenly thought it was 1988 again.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at May 19, 2011 4:34 PM

LeBron James has entire Midwestern cities whose elderly ladies refuse to say his name without muttering a curse and crossing themselves.

I know nothing at all about Danica Patrick. But Marky Mark and Sir Hugh will always be heroes in my book.

Posted by: Ms. Meep at May 19, 2011 4:38 PM

"DOCTOR" FUCKING PHIL?!?!??!?!?!?!

You've got to kidding me. I hate that man so damned much there isn't enough napalm in the world for me to properly express my rage at his continued existence.

Athletes on the Forbes list (no commentary means they are likable):
-Oh LeBron, you could have been likable except for that whole "Decision" thing.
Roger Federer
Phil Mickelson
RAFA!!!
-Use ARod and Kobe as Dr. Phil kindling.
-Beckham's an utter tossup.
-EFF you Tom Brady.
D.Wade
Dwight Howard
-I have no idea about Messi. I'll leave that one to the soccer fans.
-I'm not allowed to comment on Jeter as I adore him.
-I probably shouldn't comment on Peyton Manning as I still hate that guy, although not nearly as much as I hate Eli or Tom effin Brady.
Sharapova is delightful.
-The Williams sisters are a personal choice. I have no feelings on them one way or another. Their fashion choices have a surprisingly high amount of "Oh honey no" moments.

The sports figures on that list are mostly decent with some notable exceptions. Much better than several of the other options.

Posted by: Melody at May 19, 2011 4:39 PM

@ Mrs. Julien, I totally agree about Marky Mark. He seems like an entitled dick in interviews.
Also, did't he beat the shit out of at least one person years ago?

Posted by: Nimue at May 19, 2011 4:40 PM

Danica Patrick!? I don't even like racing or NASCAR or whatever and I even know she's awful.

Posted by: Jifaner at May 19, 2011 4:40 PM

How many more tournaments does Tiger Woods need to lose to fall out of that top ten?

Posted by: DarthCorleone at May 19, 2011 4:42 PM

Why do Alabamians hate Danica Patrick?

Posted by: ZombieNurse at May 19, 2011 4:43 PM

I can't help but think that if everyone on the Top Ten List above would be Raptured this Saturday, the world would be a better place.

Posted by: The Wanderer at May 19, 2011 4:47 PM

@Nimue, Wahlberg has a violent, racist rap sheet from his teen years:

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/crime/back-day-marky-marks-rap-sheet-0

Posted by: sars at May 19, 2011 4:50 PM

Nimue He admits to beating the sh*t out of several people, but he went to jail for that time he beat the sh*t out of someone, including blinding the victim in one eye, for a CASE OF BEER. At least that's what he said on 60 Minutes. He seemed neither contrite about, nor ashamed, nor chagrined by his past behaviour. He seemed like a little thug who had made good. Lucky him.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at May 19, 2011 4:50 PM

I'm surprised that Wahlberg got a pass. I was forced to watch The Other Guys the other night (I know, I know) and for some reason, THAT was the performance that made me realize just how wooden of an actor he is. Scorsese must have beat him with a riding crop to get that bit of a performance out of The Departed.

Really, what kind of meanie would want to kick Tom Hanks in the taint? Yeah, most of his movies aren't glorious, but he just comes off as so damn nice.

What's with the mass Danica Patrick hate? Apparently there's something I don't know. I guess that's the price I pay for not sitting through commercials.

Posted by: Kala at May 19, 2011 4:50 PM

Every name here looks like it's double-barrelled with 'Forbes'.

Mark Wahlberg-Forbes
Courtney Cox-Forbes
Christopher Nolan-Forbes

...pointless observation, I know.

Posted by: BeeInBonnet at May 19, 2011 4:52 PM

Thanks guys. I knew he went to jail, but I was too lazy look up all those instances. He hasn't apologized for it (that I have seen.) Maybe he is privately reformed, but I like to see some contrition.
I personally love the Williams sisters. I am not a tennis person, but they just seem so confident and chill. Clearly that is the little I know of them.

Posted by: Nimue at May 19, 2011 4:57 PM

I had to Google why Bon Jovi could possibly be on that list. Reason: Bon Jovi had the top-grossing tour of 2010, topping the $200 million mark worldwide.

That's a lot of denim vests and Aqua Net.

Posted by: MonkeyHateClean at May 19, 2011 4:58 PM

I will never understand why people are so interested in lists. Especially when they are completely arbitrarily created. Oh wait, they get a shit ton of comments. Right,carry on.
Also: I have no clue who this Danica person is. Due to the vitriol, I can only assume she slept with a famous married guy and sold their love child on the internet. (toddles off to Google)
Oh, I SEE! She is hot, sexy, and drives cars in fast circles. By all means, BURN THE WITCH!

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at May 19, 2011 5:03 PM

Athletes are hard to judge. Their problems and losses happen live in front of thousands of people and on TV in front of millions, then someone sticks a microphone in their face and asks "How do you feel?". There are a lot more opportunities to come off as a total dick than there is for an actor.

Venus Williams is a dream. Serena had a complete meltdown at the 2009 US Open semi-final where she yelled at a linesman and threatened to shove a tennis ball down her throat. It was completely indefensible -- way worse than the Kobe incident, and she was ejected from the match. She apologized very nicely, but I still haven't decided whether or not I would kick her in the ladytaint.

Posted by: Three-nineteen at May 19, 2011 5:06 PM

Nimue I don't require public flagellation, if he had just said, "that was a long time ago, or, it's a part of my life I'm not proud of,or, I am deeply embarrassed by my previous behavior, or, I've worked really hard to become a human being.." But he doesn't. It was movie/Oscar PR blitz masquerading as a 60 Minutes interview. If you can't fake contrition for something like that, it tells viewers all they need to know.

And he just seems like a total pr*ck regardless. Can you imagine how awful The Fighter set was to be on between Wahlberg, Christian Bale and David Russell? That's a perfect storm of entitled [expletive deleted].

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at May 19, 2011 5:06 PM

i haven't seen iron man 2. and i won't.

Posted by: splinter at May 19, 2011 5:08 PM

Joanna, the Williams sisters are entitled and whiny on the court (Serena famously told a judge she would shove a tennis ball up his ass at the US Open and lost match point because of it) but generally good people off it (Serena decided to raise the equivalent amount of the fine for said US Open incident for her foundation).

What blows my mind is Bethany-Fucking-Frankel at #42. Really? If that's not a sign the rapture is real, I don't know what is.

Posted by: Emcee Peepants at May 19, 2011 5:10 PM

As to Jon Bon: I am not a huge fan of his music, but he seriously seems like the nicest dude.

Posted by: samantha t at May 19, 2011 5:11 PM

Wahlberg also EPs In Treatment, which I am really ambivalent about.

It's difficult to decide about the Williams Sisters. It seems like much of the negative press they get comes from willful misreading of their statements and actions. I think they're pretty cool, but a lot of their competitors wouldn't agree.

Posted by: Jerry at May 19, 2011 5:19 PM

samantha t, I'm not a huge fan either, but anyone who ranks higher than the likes of Ga Ga & Wahlberg is okay by me- could've been someone worse

Posted by: Tony at May 19, 2011 5:21 PM

Yeah, I got exactly 0 (none, nada, zilch, goose-egg) use for anybody on the top ten.

I'm mystified by Marky Mark, Usher, and Steven Spielberg being on your list. Not that I'd necessarily RUSH to kick them in the taint, but Marky Mark and Usher are douchey x 1,000 and probably deserve it. (I guess, based on audience reaction, that Danica Patrick falls in the same category, but I don't know anything about her.)

Is there a sane person in the world who WOULDN'T kick Steven Spielberg in the taint for Indy 4?

Posted by: MM at May 19, 2011 5:24 PM

Not douchey: I do not think it means what you think it means.

Especially if you have Spielberg on there, ffs.

Posted by: Kat at May 19, 2011 5:26 PM

Seriously, how did Tina Fey only rate #92?

Posted by: Jess at May 19, 2011 5:26 PM

I take it back about the top ten. I do have a use for Jon Bon Jovi: nostalgia for denim vests and Aqua-net. He may live.

Posted by: MM at May 19, 2011 5:27 PM

Wahlberg also said he turned down a role in Brokeback Mountain because gay relationships "creep him out".

Real prize, that one.

LwaE, please don't turn this into one of those "you only hate people cuz you're jealous" discussions. You've been here long enough to know that Pajibans find plenty of interesting reasons to hate people.

Posted by: becks at May 19, 2011 5:33 PM

Mark Wahlberg and Usher? Why?
I'd say Johnny Depp or Steve Carrell instead.

Posted by: Anna at May 19, 2011 5:43 PM

You'd kick Steve Carrell in the taint? I may not enjoy everything he's in, but the dude is seriously likeable in interviews.

Posted by: Arrogant Ambassador at May 19, 2011 5:43 PM

Wow, I don't see how I am turning anything into anything. I made absolutely no references to jealousy, particularly because ENVY would be the correct word. And I certainly didn't single out any individual commenter. If you want to take a shot at me, how about taking aim at the fact that I made an unnecessary and condescending comment about the List meme in general. At least it isn't a Straw Man.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at May 19, 2011 5:58 PM

BeeInBonnet, I had the same thought and was waiting for Michelle Forbes-Forbes.

Posted by: Odnon. at May 19, 2011 6:06 PM

Aaaand, it occurs to me my Whacking Stick might be on overdrive. Defensive much? ME? NEVER!

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at May 19, 2011 6:07 PM

If you don't like lists, you should, you know, skip posts about lists.

Anyone who has me on FB knows that Bethenny Frankel is my hero. She's the only person on the Forbes list that I had any interest in.

Posted by: Nicole at May 19, 2011 6:11 PM

How do they do these rankings?

I looked over there and noticed that Jennifer Aniston is #21, Steven Speilberg is #22!, James Cameron is #27, and Tina Fey ONLY #92! WTF? Rachel is more powerful than all of Hollywood for playing Rachel in almost all of her bad movies/romantic-comedies? How does that figure? Buy, Hollywood sure is messed up.

Posted by: saphire at May 19, 2011 6:16 PM

I dislike Danica Patrick because she works harder at being a sexy celebrity and shilling for Go Daddy than being a good race car driver. That's why she bugs me. I also find NASCAR boring as hell and much prefer other sports and many of them, given my earlier comment.

Serena's outburst at the Open was utterly shameful. UTTERLY. Like I said before, I'm very meh on the Williams sisters, but I will give them their props for their tennis skills. That Open incident was crazy and utterly awful.

Marky Mark is just a Southie stereotype to me. That's all I can think about when he gives interviews. It's every Southie/Boston stereotype in a single person.

Posted by: Melody at May 19, 2011 6:21 PM

I'm sorry. The only two people on your list of people that don't deserve a swift kick to the taint are Ellen and RDJ, maybe Chris Nolan. Everyone else gets a taint stinger.

Posted by: D at May 19, 2011 6:32 PM

I'd definitely hit Usher in the taint with a bat if I could. He's number one on my Rational Celebrity Hatred list.

Posted by: lameaim at May 19, 2011 7:18 PM

Are you fucking kidding?! Both lists are atrocious, only because of the weeds in them. I'd kick the following people (amassed from both lists) in their taints and their mothers' taints:

- U2
- Tiger Woods
- LeBron James
- Usher
- Danica Patrick

Honorable Mention:
- Mark Wahlberg (he pushes it for me sometimes -- say hi to your mother for me)

In an interview once, Usher went on about how he regularly got enemas (or colonics -- whatever, he had a hose up his ass) after tours because of the shit he'd eat while on them. He didn't enjoy "foreign substances" in his body. Really? REALLY, GUY? He just really turned me off with the way that came across.

As for why I didn't include Justin Bieber: he's a 16-year-old kid. Or 17. Whatever. He could be a manufactured 30-year-old from Kapitol de Disney for all I know. All of us couldn't handle ONE person being pissed off because we breathed the same air as they did when we were 16. The fact that he's not crying into his lavender-scented pillows every night because of the pure moronic vitriol that exists on YouTube alone either means he has a lot of people who love him or he just ignores it like a silken-haired boss. I sometimes wonder if he just laughs his way every day to the fucking bank while our greasy fingers mash against our keyboards to spew the hate that a kid with a prepubescent voice did what we never could.

Although I do hate him for being a part of one of the greatest mashups ever. That shit gets stuck in my head daily.

Posted by: duckandcover at May 19, 2011 8:14 PM

My alternate list:
1. Lady Gaga. (yes, I think she's fab)
8. Bon Jovi
31. Ellen Degeneres
43. Cristiano Rinaldo
44. Sandra Bullock
53. Robert Pattinson (I don't care enough about Twilight for me to hold it against him. Plus, he was Cedric Diggory.)
62. Lionel Messi
74. Mark Wahlberg
79. Steven King
97. Hugh Laurie
98. Mark Harmon

Posted by: DominaNefret at May 19, 2011 9:10 PM

Yeah, Nicole. I love myself some Bethany Frankel.

Posted by: kayla at May 19, 2011 9:10 PM

I'd like to wear out my shoes kicking Oprah in the taint.

Posted by: Chickaboom at May 19, 2011 10:53 PM

I would happily serve as the creamy middle in a Williams sisters Oreo cookie. Even though they would kill me with their licious lovin'.

Posted by: , at May 20, 2011 1:48 AM

Mark Wahlberg is from Dorchester not Southie, a whole different vibe.

I've seen and read many an interview of contrition about his thug teenage years. People change and he's grown up to be a good father and a good producer. He also goes to church regularly with his family, not that church is a big plus for me, but I suppose it's his way of redeeming himself.
Also, Melissa Leo, Bale and Amy Adams all said he was a dream to work with.
And his "say hi to your mother" and his overall humorlessness is a goof on his tough-guy image. Tongue-in-cheek my friends.
But I'll give you the best reason of all to unlodge your Buster Brown's from his landing strip. He named his children Ella, Brandon, Michael and Grace! Not Pilot Inspektor, or Moon Unit or Bear Blu. Just normal names so his children will grow up without ridicule.

Starting to look kinda cuddly after all, isn't he?

And leave Tom Effin Brady alone. You would love him if he was your quarterback.

Posted by: kirbyjay at May 20, 2011 6:23 AM

I also remember Wahlberg saying he overcharged the fuck out of his cousin for a car he sold to him. Totally ripped him off, and laughed about it. The sale took place while MW was a fucking millionaire and his cousin wasn't. He could have just given the guy the car. Douche. I don't understand the swooning over him either. He has a fit physique, but his face is busted. Usher has been douchey on Ellen's show, refusing to dance, like he wasn't paid more to do it so he won't. Jerk. Also, about 12 years ago Usher and Michael Jackson came to my area one night and shut down Waterside mall in Norfolk so they could shop without any of the public around. No warning, no appointment, just to be power hungry douchebags. I had driven 2 hours in shit traffic to get there to see my friend's band play in a jazz bar there that night. I was there 30 minutes when the bar manager suddenly turned on the lights, turned off the sound and told everyone to get out. No explanation, just leave. When my friend was out back loading up their equipment they saw the entourage and the two douche's sneaking in the back door.
The band never got paid, because the bar manager said they never finished their set. They had also driven two hours to get there. I don't care if people think MJ was some kind of saint, he was an entitled, clueless, egotistical douchebag, and Usher is too.

Posted by: Viking at May 20, 2011 9:04 AM

Just read the Forbes 100 list. That IS a buttload of taint targets, for sure.

Posted by: kirbyjay at May 20, 2011 9:30 AM

Leo Messi is adorable. So good! So tiny!

Posted by: Kettle at May 20, 2011 11:46 AM

Wahlberg, Spielberg and Hanks????!!!! What???
Should I like any of those a-holes?

Posted by: James at May 31, 2011 1:49 PM

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The Only 12 People On The 2011 Forbes Celebrity 100 List I Wouldn't Kick In The Taint

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