The Generation's Ten Douchiest Films
The Social Network: A great movie? Absolutely. My favorite of 2010. But it’s basically about white-privileged Ivy League douchebags trying to become filthy-rich douchebags, from Mark Zuckerberg (smug douchebag) to Sean Parker (the Napster douchebag) to the Winkelvoss Twins, who were trying to out douchebag that douchebag Zuckerberg.
The Expendables: I think we can all agree that Steven Seagall and Jean Claude Van Damme movies are douchebag movies, whether enjoyed ironically (hipster douchebag) or straight up (meathead douchebag). The Expendables was just a higher class of douchebag movie with more stars. And if you’re ever wondering what the one surefire marker for a douchebag movie is, ask yourself this: Does it feature an MMA star?
The Hangover: It’s difficult to really place my finger on why The Hangover is such a douchebag movie, although it probably has a lot to do with Bradley Cooper, who has a certain popped-collar quality about him. Look, they drove to Vegas for a bachelor party two nights before the wedding. I think that qualifies as a total douchebag move, one in which the entire movie revolves around.
High Fidelity: I know, I know. It’s one of my favorite movies, too. But it’s time many of us recognize what a douchebag John Cusack’s Rob Gordon really was. Look: Lists are for third-rate pop-culture blogs and buying groceries, not for reducing every life event and relationship down to a Top 5. And no, Gordon didn’t run off with the reporter in the end, but you know what? He thought about it. He made her a mix-tape right after he reunited with his number one break-up. And that’s pretty fucking douchey, if you ask me.
Last Kiss: Most people haven’t seen Zach Braff’s The Last Kiss (for good reason), but trust me on this. The plot description is essentially all you need to know to understand how big of a douchebag film this is: It’s about a guy played by Braff nearing his 30th birthday. He’s in a committed relationship with a woman who is 10 weeks pregnant, and — for reasons never elucidated even slightly — he’s terrified that his life has run out of surprises. So he cheats on his pregnant girlfriend. Then, he tries to win her back with what basically amounts to a feeble attempt to contract pneumonia. In other words, he tries to atone for one total douchebag move with another bigger, douchebag move.
The Boondock Saints: Look, it’s not just a movie about a bunch of Irish thug douchebags written and directed by one of the biggest douchebags in Hollywood, it’s also the first crime-thriller aimed squarely at the douchebag demographic (no offense). I’m not saying that, if you like Boondock Saints, you’re a douchebag. I’m simply saying: If you are a douchebag, you like The Boondock Saints.
The Fast & Furious Franchise: Nothing says complete and total douchebag like fast cars, loose women, and the generation’s biggest douchebag duo in Vin Diesel and Paul Walker. It’s a movie designed for the Spike TV audience about men who think that, if their car is fast enough, they can leave behind their tiny, tiny penis.
Good Luck Chuck: Dane Cook is the generation’s biggest douchebag, the Douche-tongued lothario, the Prince of Douchelvania, the Captain of the S.S. Doucheand. Good Luck, Chuck was essentially a movie about Dane Cook being Dane Cook, which is to say, a movie about a douchebag douching it up as a douchebag with his douchebag best friend (Dan Folger) spreading the douche love.
I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell: Tucker Max is the real-life Good Luck, Chuck, the Internet Dane Cook, a douchebag who not only knows he’s a douchebag but is proud of it. He’s an Ed Hardy, frat-fuck douchebag, and he probably loves Nickelback. In fact, if you type in “Tucker Max” and “Douchebag” into Google, you get over 17,000 results, the first of which is actually a blog called “Tucker Max is a Douchebag.” “Tucker Max” is basically a synonym for douchebag.
The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard: The Goods deserves the top spot here because, unlike most of the above movies which focus on one or two douchebags, The Goods is a film about a ensemble of douchebags, both male and female, engaged in the second douchiest profession in America (behind day trader): Used car salesman. Led by Jeremy Piven, who has the older-generation douchebag market cornered, the characters in The Goods are not only douchebags in their romantic lives, it’s their job to be douchebags. The bigger the douchebag they are, the better they are compensated. It’s like “Entourage” meets a direct-to-DVD National Lampoon’s movie meets Fast and Furious meets a Trojan Man commercial.
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