The First 7 People I'd Audition to Play Paul Ryan in a Movie About Last Night's Debate

By Dustin Rowles | Seriously Random Lists | October 12, 2012 | Comments ()


paulryantimemagazine.jpg

Zach Woods

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Matthew Morrison

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James Badge Dale

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Prince Eric

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Aaron Rodgers

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Crispin Glover

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Prince Joffrey

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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • tharine

    i vote Enver Gjokaj! he probably needs the work anyway, and he rules

  • Strand

    First time I saw Paul Ryan, I instantly thought of Gabe from The Office. Glad I'm not the only one to think this. After the debate, I just find everything about this guy off-putting from the lies, his demeanour, even his dorky voice. I don't hate Mitt Romney, I just think he's hopelessly out of touch, but Lyin' Ryan is so goddamn slimy.

  • I think he looks like the douchy slimeball guy at every college party who is trying to scope out the drunkest (most drunk?) girl there that he can take home.

  • The Wanderer

    Hmm. Where would I find a narcissistic, arrested-development poster child who looks like an older Eddie Munster?

  • YOU LEAVE MY 12-YEAR-OLD SELF'S BOYFRIEND PRINCE ERIC ALONE.

  • Palaeologos

    Michael Dukakis in the tank, v. 2012.

  • googergieger

    Dude looks and sounds like a serial killer.

  • Paul Ryan creeps me out.

  • atoz15
  • BierceAmbrose

    No Tony Horton? Too on the nose?

  • Ruh-Roh

    I only see John Hawkes in this. Ryan even MOVES like Sol Star.

  • John G.

    Paul Ryan's eyes creep me out. What is he looking at? Is there a world that only he can see in those blank eyes that are staring into the middle distance?

  • piedlourde

    My bet is that he's focusing on the tweety bird on the photographer's shoulder.

  • idiosynchronic

    There's a reason God's Gift to 2012 Punditry, Charlie Pierce, calls Ryan the Zombie-eyed Granny-starver.

  • Alyson McManus

    Well i am as delighted that the little troll Joffrey could play the bigger troll Pauly Ryan, i think that you nailed it with Crispin Glover. He is so creepy looking that it would be perfect to sell Ayn Rand to the masses.

  • hapl0

    Hahahaha...

  • Kahntahmp

    I'd like to add The situation based on the douche bag photo at the header.

  • Quatermain

    Maybe it's because I missed whatever Internet Scorn Bandwagon these are supposed to be attached to, but I don't get it. There's nothing particularly risible or scandalous there. He's dressed like 90% of the guys I see at the gym or play football with.

    Sure, the poses/facial expressions are somewhat exaggerated, but no more so than the smiles celebrities plaster on for the various red carpets. They're publicity photos, what do you expect? I dunno, I have a sneaky suspicion that this is one of those 'it's only bad because it's a Republican doing it' things.

  • Clancys_Daddy

    Being a douche bag is a bad thing regardless of political party.

  • Jennings

    I thought the scorn was because these are professional photos, not just shots of him working out. So a) he chose to do Sears Portrait Studio photos of himself "working out", and b) the hat was a deliberate choice. I would make fun of someone I like who did this.

  • alwaysanswerb

    Nooooo. They are outtakes from a photoshoot he did for Time, when they were considering him for Person of the Year. He did NOT choose "working out!" as a theme for his own promotional photos.

  • AngelenoEwok

    THE HAT! THE HAAAAAAAT. Also, whatever it is he's doing with his eyes in the pic on the left. I can promise you, if any of my favorite famous people (political or otherwise) made that face in a picture, I'd be delighted to see it lampooned and meme-ified.

  • BierceAmbrose

    Things I do not understand (a tiny fraction of the vast list):

    - Why does anyone wear a hat when working out, I mean ever? It's a thing, and I do. not. get. it.

    - Why is it like a requirement for workout / exercise photos and videos to be so weird? Show me one where the only strangeness is some person deliberately straining at / in some bizarre, contortion-inducing mechanism. (I mean without fishnets and a whip, which would make sense.)

    - How do you indicate self-parody if you're famous? Same goof-tastic photos in an SNL sketch could be fun, and funny, maybe.

    Does success in politics require so much distortion that "successful" politicians can't recognize parody, let alone self-parody?

  • Wembley

    You forgot Mr. Bean.

  • mswas

    It has got to be Prince Joffrey, because his smackupsidethehead quotient is equal to Ryan.

  • Mr_Zito

    What about Lloyd Braun? http://www.siyumhaseinfeld.com...

  • Lauren Mckenzie

    Where's the picture of retarded Jake Gyllenhaal? Best way to get an oscar nom is to go special. (no, but seriously... Ryan looks like a retarded Jake Gyllenhaal)

  • Ley

    This one?

  • Lauren Mckenzie

    So close! That's like Gump-tarded... I'm looking more for What's-Eating-Gilbert-Grape-tarded with a dash of Eddie Munster and just a smidgen of inbreeding.

  • TheOriginalMRod

    He's got Prince Joffrey eyes...

    yes, now I am totally singing that to myself a la Kim Carnes.

  • space_oddity

    "Screech learns the dangers of steroids," a very special episode of Saved by the Bell.

  • JenVegas

    I was all for Zach Woods until you got to Crispin Glover and now I'll never be able to look at Paul Ryan without thinking about C.G in Willard ever again.

  • ZombieMrsSmith

    I second the Crispin Glover, it's perfect on so many levels.

  • Pants_are_a_must

    My first thought was actually B.J. Novak.

  • Ley

    Why is Matthew Morrison looking at me like he had sex with my girlfriend last night?

  • Those are some of the most unfortunate photos I have ever seen for an aspiring, ambitious politician seeking greater influence on the national stage. I have read these were taken a year ago, but even so, where are the people getting paid to look out for these kinds of 'back-fire' situations? Some media outlet (term used loosely these days) wants to 'profile' you, and a person cedes all judgment to the altar of false flattery, naively convincing her/himself that said media has your interests in mind and that your little 'DC quirk' has not only absolutely no resonance outside that little hothouse of vapidity, but in reality makes you look like, at best, a complete tool, and at worst, the kind of dupe who would believe anything said to or written about her/him.

    On governance and policy, there aren't many people I would disagree with more than Ryan. But I could always respect that people don't agree. When I see this sort of thing, and recognize that he may even have been duped by cynical media gamesmanship, I lose respect faster than I do for the person who, once the bright lights shine on them, willfully lies about something mundane, like their marathon time. Oh wait.

    In sum, couldn't have happened to a nicer tool and bigger fool.

  • MachineGunJeanMaurice

    Matthew Morrisson and James Badge Dale look ridiculously alike. Watching The Pacific, I kept waiting for Leckie to form his platoon into a little group and go, "Gee wiz guys, this needs some School Spirit!", and start singing to badly recorded, but jaunty, show tunes... Getting to regionals, in this case, meant not dying of dysentery. Fun! GOOO MARINES!

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Yes, I'm wondering when we're going to get the "all white guys look alike" post from Dustin.

  • L.O.V.E.

    I was thinking he could be played by Evil Bill from Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey.

  • West Hartford, CT - Circa 1992...

    I walk in to the living room wearing a backwards baseball cap.

    Dad says, "You know, only two kinds of people wear their hats backwards."

    I reply (barely), "Huh?"

    Dad continues, "Catchers and assholes...where's your mit?"

    I leave the room and continue to wear a backwards baseball cap for the next 5 years.

    Cut to today.

    Now I understand.

  • fracas

    He has a Mitt, but he's still an asshole.

  • TheAggroCraig

    I am stealing that line from your dad.

  • OK, @Demps351:disqus - you did it in far fewer words. Well played, sir. [I'm guessing sir, what with the backwards cap and catcher reference.]

  • Jas.

    I think James Badge Dale should play Matthew Morrison in "The Matthew Morrison Story" if Matthew Morrison were interesting.

  • So, this is really a real thing, huh?
    I had only caught glimpses of it over the past week and I had genuinely assumed that either the Internets was doing one of its photoshop things or that I had been sober for too long.
    Well, good to know it's a real thing. Now i have another thing to add to the rage list that I'll be badgering the local homeless guy with as I stagger home drunk at 4am as usual.

  • thatgirl

    I kept expecting him to break into a musical number, honestly.

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