The Celebrity Sex Tapes No One Asked For (But Totally Exist)
There’s about to be a Hulk Hogan sex tape.
What you’ve just experienced was no doubt a vomit-sob combination previously unknown. This is what we refer to as a sobit. And I’m sorry to have done this to you. I truly am. I’m not here to hurt you. I’m merely here to warn.
And, as I warn, I should probably let you know that this tape reportedly involves a “thong-shaped tan line.”
Shh, shh, it’s okay, let the sobits happen. If you hold them in, they’ll turn you inside out and you’ll self-immolate. I’ve seen it happen.
Celebrity sex tapes are a part of our world. Unfortunately, it’s rarely, if ever, the most attractive celebrities whose intimate footage is released. Everyone thinks of Pam Anderson in her heyday, or even a nubile Paris Hilton. What you should really be thinking of is this list. Because celebrity sex tapes, as a rule, are terrible things.
Please note: Celebrity sex tapes are not terrible things because they are horrific violations of privacy, as they are released without the permission or foreknowledge of the celebrity star. Because, please. Don’t be naive.
Also, please note: HELL NO I’m not linking to any of these. If you want to find them, by all means, use your Google machines. But I don’t recommend it. I’ve seen parts of two of them, and I’m different now. Sadder.
You have to respect a woman for attempting to capitalize on attempted murder. Wait, respect isn’t the word I was looking for… It’ll come to me, I’m sure.
Tonya Harding and Jeff Gilooly
I’m sure you can imagine what a classy champagne dream took place betwixt these two winners.
Unless you want a scientific detailing of what can happen to female genitals following years of steroid use, I do not recommend looking into this.
This is two parts “aw, little buddy’s trying to be just like Tommy when he grows up” and “come on, haven’t you always wanted to see a puffy John Denver in action?”
This is one of those where you’re kind of almost curious. But not curious enough to actually look.
I haven’t seen it. But I’m certain it’s very sweaty and grunty.
Kid Rock & Scott Stapp (the guy from Creed)
I like to think, upon meeting the kind of fine young ladies who would partake in such an orgy, Scott Stapp said, “Welcome to this place; I’ll show you everything” and then whipped out his pants crucifix.
If you’ve ever wanted the cold, dead pleasure eyes of Fred Durst staring back at you, by all means, check this out. But I am to understand it’s the last thing you see before you die.
Dustin Diamond, aka Screech
*sigh* Poo mustaches.
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