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The All-Girl Assassin Squad I Would Assemble To Knock Some Sense Into Those "Sucker Punch" Floozies


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I love Sucker Punch. You know why? Because for years I've been screeching about Zack Snyder's latent misogyny and for years the movie-going population has scoffed, patted me on the head and continued to fork over their hard-earned cash to suck down his (admittedly very stylish) women-hating garbage. I felt like a Cassandra (or, you know, if Snyder were in charge, a mostly naked writhing Sybil). With this film, however, Snyder cranked up the dial on his sexism from latent to blatant and there is hardly anyone who will deny that Sucker Punch, in addition to just being a mess, is a disgusting and misguided perversion of "female empowerment." It's one thing to make sexploitation, it's another to proudly tout it as a triumphant demonstration of subverted gender-driven establishments.

The fact that Sucker Punch is the first Snyder film that is not based on previous material gives me added satisfaction. We can't blame the grimy and lurid objectification of women on the existent gender issues of the comic genre. It all comes from Snyder's misguided, sweaty brain. If the Gang of Prostitutes in Sin City made me ill, the voyeurism of Sucker Punch made me positively apoplectic (ETA: I mention Sin City here not because Syder directed it-he didn't-but because the depiction of women in that film made me want to storm out of the theater). The other night my good friend remarked, "In my version of Sucker Punch any woman who is sexually assaulted gets to physically beat on the man who attacked her and, while he's cringing on the ground, she will shame and eviscerate him verbally. Then, when she's done, she will go back to work where she's the boss of everyone. And she can look like a librarian while she does so. That's female empowerment." So, for your consideration, I present the fictional women way more qualified to represent feminine strength while exacting some vengeance. They've got a very particular set of skills and they're not afraid to use them.

Lisbeth Salander (The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo) to advise Rocket that maybe a hat is not the wisest accessory to wear into battle. That maybe she should try a choker that serves a sort of stabbing function. After which, Salander will sodomize all the #sshole rapists that populate this film.
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Bang Bang (Brothers Bloom) to slap the lollipop out of Amber's mouth and then blow up all the remains of said *sshole rapists that populate this film.
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Kara "Starbuck" Thrace ("Battlestar Geeklactica") to break it to Sweet Pea that her codename is striking fear into the heart of nobody. Once that's finished, Starbuck can hop in her Viper and shoot the sh*t out of all the MechWarriors, inexplicable Nazis Germans and (really?!) dragons and whatever @sshole rapists that might still be hanging about the place.
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Any Michelle Rodriguez Character Ever to glower a lot and ask Blondie why she's named "Blondie." Is it ironic? Is this really time for irony? Don't we have $sshole rapists that need shooting? More shooting, less irony, ladies.
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And for Babydoll, the ringleader, she of the sexy dance and the vacant stare I would send. . .
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Hanna (um, Hanna) to just kill everyone and everything still moving. Yes, even you, Jon Hamm, for we suspect you are an %sshole rapist.
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[ETA: In regards to the absence of Hit Girl, I'm not wholly comfortable with the sexual reaction some men have had to what is, after all, a very young girl. I don't think this is the movie's fault, and I love Hit Girl and her totally age appropriate outfit and even her filthy mouth but I'm not cool with placing her in this (very sexually charged) context.]

Joanna Robinson would like to confess, in the interest of full-disclosure, that she did not see that "Legend of the Guardians: Owls of Jeff Gilooly" movie. Perhaps Snyder was very cool towards the wimmen owls in it. She doubts it. Email! Twitter!


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