The 9 New TV Actors I Most Want To Bang Like A Screen Door
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The 9 New TV Actors I Most Want To Bang Like A Screen Door

By Joanna Robinson | Seriously Random Lists | October 8, 2013 | Comments ()


Even if some of them are familiar faces, they're all new to shows this fall. And we bow down in gratitude.

Tom Mison -- Sleepy Hollow
Screen Shot 2013-10-08 at 9.21.10 AM.png

Nazanin Boniadi -- Homeland

Ming-Na Wen -- Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D.

James Wolk -- The Crazy Ones

Ron Livingston -- Boardwalk Empire

Alexandra Breckenridge -- American Horror Story: Coven

Lizzy Caplan -- Masters Of Sex

Clark Gregg -- Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Nicole Beharie -- Sleepy Hollow

5 Shows After Dark 10/8/13 | God Dammit, Chris Brown

Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • jzhz

    Seriously? No one mentions Nicole Beharie? Sheesh. Twice as good - or six times as good, apparently!

  • Thanks to this list, I mainlined all four episodes of Sleepy Hollow last night. Mr. Crane is HOT.

  • John G.

    Joanna, ming-na-wen was the voice of Mulan. You want to bang Mulan.

  • I do like me a witchy-looking redhead. And the girl from 'Homeland' isn't hard on the eyes, either.

  • dave dorris

    I'm gonna throw in Chloe Bennet from SHIELD. ( I will every single time type an explanation of why I'm not using periods. Because.)

  • BrokenWindows

    Hey, Nazanin Boniadi has the word "bone" right in her name.

    Yes, please, I'll have 2.

  • pfeiffer87

    BOB BENSON??!!

    Breckenridge looks a lot like Evan Rachel Wood.

  • thebluestepside

    It's Bob Benson! Obviously Pete doesn't share your opinion.

  • Aaron Schulz

    That is an excellent list, and i loves me some Ming Na Wen

  • BWeaves

    James Wolk and Ron Livingston need to play conjoined twins. I don't know why, it's just what popped into my head.

  • Slash

    Those are all very attractive people. Mison is amusing in "Sleepy Hollow." His character regards various aspects of the 21st century with a delightful mixture of wonder and contempt.

  • trixiestreats

    I could watch him reacting to 21st century inventions and products for an entire hour. They don't even need to mess with supernatural story lines. Mison's Crane is delightful and adorable. But I wish Joanna Robinson had chosen a more bangin' photo. Like...

  • BlackRabbit

    Who the heck does he resemble?

  • Paisley Poppins

    I think he resembles Elisabeth Dermot Walsh

  • Robin


  • bastich

    Lizzy Caplan is slowly claiming parts of my heart that were heretofore held by Allison Brie.

    Obviously, they will eventually need to pillow-fight for my affections.

  • zeke_the_pig

    I will provide the traditional observer-whiskey.

  • ryallen

    So Joanna.. swing both ways do you? Very interesting...

  • BlackRabbit

    Dammit, I was trying to think of a clever reply that used "hinges" and "oil" that wouldn't come across as creepy.

  • Jezzer

    See? We're way too good for Blind Items here.

    *sips Coors from a crystal goblet, farts through silk*

  • Mrs. Julien

    I find it interesting that you feel the need to release your own Craugen.

    And since I know you will ask ... The highly ironic distinction is that the very superficiality of lists like these is what, well, it doesn't elevate them exactly, but makes them less troublesome. We are judging people on their sexual appeal. Vulgar, but harmless. We are not inserting ourselves into their lives or speculating on their character based on assumptions created by the gossip industrial complex. These posts do not help feed the tabloids or tacitly say what they do isn't scurrilous.

  • Fost

    Bob Benson.

  • BWeaves

    Or as I used to call him, Sideshow Bob.

  • Samantha Klein

    *sees link on Twitter* *thinks "Oh, good, more pictures of Tom Mison* *clicks link*


  • Blake

    Melissa Fumero.

    *I'd totally agree on Nazanin Boniadi if it weren't for the Tom Cruise / Scientology business.

  • Bert_McGurt

    See, and I'm on the Stephanie Beatriz train.

  • Blake

    +1, especially if it was in Montreal.

  • Maguita NYC

    You really shouldn't judge people based on their religious beliefs; Some might actually go for the bat-shit crazy . Apparently, it makes for hotter sex.

  • Ben

    Don't stick your dick in Crazy.

    That's like rule 1.

  • Thor

    Hotter sex in that they will use fire as part of the bondage routine.

  • jaimejoshi

    I've had a crush on Livingston for the past fifteen years. I swear, there's a slowly decaying portrait of him in an attic somewhere because he looks just as good as he did in Swingers.

  • pumpkin

    I can't figure out why he isn't a bigger star.

  • lowercase_see

    Ride 'em like the last bus in a snowstorm!

  • bastich

    Mount 'em like a flat-screen TV that you just shoplifted!

  • chanohack

    I lingered over that photo of Lizzy Caplan for longer than I probably ought.

  • Sean

    I saw that whole photo spread. I didn't understand why they shopped Caplan's breasts to make them bigger. Her breasts are pretty great all on their own. They don't fucking need to be bigger.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    Does no one have latches on their screen doors? Is this a 'Murica thing?

  • trixiestreats

    Well for the past fifteen minutes, my boyfriend's been entering and exiting through the back door. He lets the screen door slam shut every single time; there is no damper. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. It drives me crazy. So Joanna Robinson's word choice works for me.

  • Maguita NYC

    You know, up to "Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. It drives me crazy" I kept thinking: What a dirty girl (boy?)!!!

  • Adrienne Marie

    Technically, the phrase goes, "I want to bang him/her harder than a screen door in a hurricane." Little clarification.

  • John W

    I've been wanting to bang Ming Na Wen since the The Single Guy.

  • pumpkin

    THAT'S where I know her from. She is awesome!

  • Mrs. Julien

    Do you ever wonder what it was like to live in the days before "being good-looking" was a job description? Like, a few, several, or many hundreds of years ago when most people never traveled far from where they were born, so seeing a truly beautiful human would be rare. Granted, you'd mostly be distracted by the deprivation and pestilence, but, still, it would have been nice to have someone attractive to look at.

  • ZbornakSyndrome

    Considering a woman's worth was judged solely on who she could marry, being the prettiest girl in Pestilence Village was probably still a pretty good gig.

    But I do wonder what photoshop has done to our collective psyches. At least in Ye Olden Days, you could be attractive with bad teeth and a few plague scars. Now, if your skin doesn't look like plastic, you're a troll.

  • Mrs. Julien

    True, but beauty would be a rumour or a story rather than a relentless fact. I mean, people manage. Even now, marrying someone truly beautiful is rare and love, at least, is still blind.

  • Sirilicious

    I really do. You'd live in a village and there would be one, or two tops people that were semi-yummy. I hope those other contemporary teenagers felt better about their looks than nowadays.

    Probably not.

  • NateMan

    Never existed. There's a reason prostitution is called 'the oldest profession', after all. The pretty people were still the ones most in demand, even when you already knew everybody around. Well - the prettiest or the richest, which probably still ended up being one and the same.

  • e jerry powell

    Prostitution about looks?

    I would invite you to take a spin around the hooker stroll at Hunts Point in the Bronx. Or even on East Rundberg in north Austin.

    Prostitution is about men paying for something that they can't get for free on their own. Good looks help in some contexts -- say, perhaps, one is a man of greater means than most -- but certainly not on the hooker stroll. On the hooker stroll, a woman need be no more than willing to touch some schlub's penis long enough to earn the twenty bucks.

    To quote the old-school 'mos, "a hard c*ck has no conscience." And, furthermore, no eyes.


    Larry McMurtry wrote about his time in Archer Country, Texas many times, a lot of which ended up in Hud (or Horseman, Pass By) and Texasville. One of my favorite passages he's written about male sexuality involves trying to convince the farm boys to go out for football. I'll leave out the gorier details, but one of the funnier turns of phrase involves the fact that most of the pretty girls were so concerned with protecting their reputations that 98% of the boys in the county lost their respective virginity to the same girl. It's not that she was the prettiest or the ugliest, it's that she was the only one who didn't care about her reputation.

    Don't put so much in to looks all the time.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Prostitution only has anything to with looks if one is rich.

    I imagine for most of history being a poor and pretty or, worse, beautiful woman was more of a liability more than an asset. Considering the non-existent notions of consent for much of history, any way of drawing attention to oneself could be a very bad thing.

  • Thor

    Masters of Sex may be the first show to succeed in ratings not because of its writing, but because of the proximity of Caplan and the word "sex."

  • Jim

    James Wolk looked familiar so I popped open a new tab and start a google search. The most searched term starting with "James Wolk" is ... James Wolk Shirtless.

    Um... yeah.... uh... what were we talking about?

  • jmd

    I know him best from Mad Men this season - Bob!

  • Jim

    I didn't watch EVERY episode of Happy Endings but one of the images is Eliza Coupe and Casey Wilson playing with his chest hair. So adorable. To the video streaming sites!!!!!!

  • Dita Svelte

    Out of all the Happy Endings episodes I acquired I kept that one just to I could watch the James Wolk shirtless fur twirling scene. On repeat. In HD. Not that I ws counting the individual chest hairs. Maybe that's when I started to dislike Adam Pally's character. Jealous!

  • Berry

    How is it that Ming-Na Wen hasn't aged at all since her ER days? I'm beginning to suspect some bathing in the blood of virgins soon. She just looks that ridiculously good.

  • Joe Grunenwald

    If anything, Ming-Na has gotten even better looking.

  • Thor

    She's Asian. Seriously. My grandma, who's Japanese, looks about 45, when in fact she is 78. Until the wrinkles set in in her 50s, she looked 20. I can't use old pictures of her to date photographs because she looks the same in all of them.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    I don't know. It also may be surgery. Her eyes looked a bit wonky last episode.

  • Berry

    That's really enviable, I must admit. Aging doesn't bother me that much, most days, but sometimes it would be nice to look as old as you feel, which in my case is usually not even quite grown up yet.

    Speaking of ageless Japanese women, there's an interview with the actress Setsuko Hara in a documentary series called The Story of Film: An Odyssey. She must have been in her 80's when the series was made, but she doesn't look a day older than 40.

  • Maguita NYC

    Tom Mison, I want to climb that tree like a purple-assed baboon in heat.

  • Samantha Klein

    PS-If anyone from Celebitchy is reading, can we start talking less about Hiddles, and more about Mison? Kthxbye.

  • MrsAtaxxia

    Bang like a screen door in a hurricane. Yes ma'am, I concur. Also, that show is a wonderful bag of crazy fun.

  • Maguita NYC

    Wouldn't you rather take your sweet time and slam him like a screen door on a breezy afternoon?

  • MrsAtaxxia

    This has been a spectacularly drawn out and annoying Tuesday so lets do both, shall we.

  • NateMan

    Ms. Breckenridge really pulls off that goth look. I just wish she'd pull it off some more, because holy flipping cow is she yummy.

  • Sean

    I liked her in True Blood. Where her character was "Hot naked redhead". HBO shows just cast actresses using that phrase now.

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