The 10 Biggest Box Office Flops of 2012 -- A Pajiba Prediction
9. The Three Stooges ($33 million) -- Nobody wanted a Three Stooges movie, and we really didn't want a Three Stooges movie starring Sean Hayes as Larry. Thanks Farrelly Brothers for ruining something that was already sort of ruined already.
8. Taken 2 ($67 million) -- You see, Liam? Taken actually was a fluke. Sure, your mediocre thriller will do fine in the middle of January with no competition, but so did Paul Blart. You see what Zookeeper did in the middle of the summer of 2011? That's exactly what Taken 2 did in the middle of the summer of 2012. Pbbbbbbt.
7. Ghost Rider Spirit of Vengeance ($43 million) -- God bless directors Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor (Crank, Jonah Hex). They are completely f*cked in the head, but it didn't make a damn bit of difference. The sequel was even worse than the original, if that's possible, and fared worse at the box office, too.
6. Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (in 3D) -- ($21 million) This was justice: Sure, the first time you released it, it made $431 million. But this time? We know better. You know why? Because we've seen it. We knew what to expect, and we avoided it. Suck it, Lucas.
5. American Reunion ($56 million) -- A decade and 57 direct-to-DVD sequels didn't help the cause, but the biggest detriment was the fact that no one gave a sh*t what happened to the characters after they lost their virginity.
4. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter ($21 million) -- The novelty wore off before the movie arrived in theaters. There's a reason it went through half a dozen directors: Because, while it makes for a great movie/book title, nobody actually wants to watch the whole thing.
3. Total Recall ($67 million) -- I like you, Colin Farrell, but you're no Arnie. If you're going to remake a classic, you don't stoop to the B-level with your director (Len Wiseman) and your cast (Beckinsale, Jessica Biel, Ethan Hawke). You'll get a B-movie, with B-movie box office results, as the performance of Total Recall suggested.
2. John Carter ($49 million) -- What a disastrous mess. The reviews were brutal, and the plot incoherent. It made Cowboys and Aliens seem like a Christopher Nolan movie by comparison. The Jar Jar jokes were fun, though.
1. Battleship ($72 million): People were mocking this the day it was announced, and it never let up. The whole idea seemed like a joke taken too far, and no one wanted to pay $12 to see a joke. It's too bad for Taylor Kitsch, who was the star in the year's two biggest flops. It wasn't all his fault, but his wooden acting certainly didn't help matters.