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New Historically (In)accurate Films for Mel Gibson to Ruin

A Seriously Random List / Jeremy Stein

Seriously Random Lists | June 25, 2009 | Comments (25)

The Rat: Set in Medieval Europe, Mel plays Clovis, an aging rat catcher. As the Black Death descends on his manor, it is up to Mel to save the lord (and LADY) of the castle. Armed with cheese and a Bible, Mel does his best to rid the castle of rats (including the evil lord). Latin with French subtitles.

The Silk Road: Wearing nothing but a speedo, Marco Polo — played by Mel — travels the road from Italy to China. Hilarity ensues. Sanskrit with Mandarin subtitles.

The Code: Nammu (Gibson) is a proud man living in Assyria in 1780 BC. His wife dies in a tragic chariot hit and run and Nammu’s leg is also crushed. Deprived of his livelihood (he was a sandal model), Nammu is forced to turn to a life of crime. Caught stealing a loaf of bread, he is sentenced, as per the Code of Hammurabi to having his hand cut off. In Akkadian with hieroglyphic subtitles.

Art School Consequences: Set in the 1900s in Vienna, Mel plays Karl, a professor at the Academy of Fine Arts Vienna. He mentors a young artist named Adolf, who unlike real history, becomes a student at the Academy. Karl and Adolf share many wacky escapades Adolf’s art changes from hate to kindness. (no Jews, homosexuals, gypsies, or others were harmed in the making of the film) In Bromance with Racism subtitles.

Jesus Be Trippin’: Gibson returns to the director’s chair to do a hip-hop remake of his own The Passion of the Christ starring Kanye West in the title role and Tracy Jordan as Pontius Pilate. “Honkies” crucify him with dope raps and mad skillz. Jesus is resurrected at the Apollo. Racial caricatures and Cross pyrotechnics provided by Michael Bay. Studio-friendly jive with follow-the-bouncing ball subtitles.

Jeremy Stein lives in Portland, Maine. He drinks beers and shoots the shit with the publisher of Pajiba.


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Comments

Bromance with Racism subtitles! Ha!

Posted by: Snath at June 25, 2009 10:06 AM

The way Mel's been looking, and acting, lately, the perfect historical figure for him to portray would be Rasputin. Crazy-ass sex-crazed raving religious lunatic seems like a really good fit.

Posted by: Wednesday at June 25, 2009 10:12 AM

Crazy-ass sex-crazed raving religious lunatic seems like a really good fit.

Don't forget the alleged impossible to kill bit.

Posted by: lizzieborden at June 25, 2009 10:17 AM

Racial caricatures and Cross pyrotechnics provided by Michael Bay.

In CGI no doubt.

Posted by: admin at June 25, 2009 10:18 AM

Excuse me, I speak jive.

Posted by: Fantasysage at June 25, 2009 10:21 AM

CREED: The life and times of history's most famous for-real Boxing sensation, Apollo Motherfucking Creed, motherfucker. In this reimagining, Apollo is killed by Russia. For Rocky's sins. Starring Mel Gibson shitfa- er, in blackface. Animated by Dreamworks Studios.

Posted by: annoyingmouse at June 25, 2009 10:27 AM

Can they make all of these into one movie? I might actually sit through something with Mel Gibson so long as I got to watch him act like a rat or speak in Bromance with Racism Subtitles.

Posted by: Kamikaze Feminist at June 25, 2009 10:28 AM

The Rat--everyone knows the Black Death wasn't cauased by rats--it was THE JEWS!

Posted by: legaleagle at June 25, 2009 10:28 AM

"Honkies" is grossly offensive. The correct nomenclature is "cracker-ass crackers."

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at June 25, 2009 10:35 AM

Gibson returns to the director’s chair to do a hip-hop remake of his own The Passion of the Christ starring Kanye West in the title role and Tracy Jordan as Pontius Pilate.

That's what the New Testament was lacking, passages in all caps with multiple exclamation points. Would we have to autotune all the Christmas hymns?

Posted by: branded at June 25, 2009 10:40 AM

Excuse me, I speak jive.

Chump don't want da salvation, chump don't get da salvation. Jive ass turkey don't know nuthin' 'bout nuthin' no how.

Posted by: Sorcha at June 25, 2009 10:54 AM

He should go to that inter-esting cel eb cl ub ____BigTalls.com____ to find some fun with those h-o-t bea-utiful gi-rls, Just heard many basketball and football pl ayers are ho oking up with those se xy mo-dels there. You can have a try.

Posted by: BigtallOliver at June 25, 2009 10:58 AM

I heard he was doing a reimagining of the old Holdie Hawn/ Steven Spielberg movie from the 70's and calling it 'The Sugartits Express'.

Posted by: Odnon at June 25, 2009 11:27 AM

Re: Rasputin.

Instead of having him play a sex crazed Russian, how about having him fuck a sex crazed Russian, get her preggers, leave his wife and 7 kids, and get mad at his holier than thou church he founded because they can't take a joke.

This is a documentary, right?

In Pig Latin with Yiddish subtitles.

Posted by: BWeaves at June 25, 2009 11:37 AM

The Sugartits Express.

Posted by: Odnon at June 25, 2009 11:37 AM

Damn BlackBerry! I am having trouble posting from my phone, which is all I have on the road. So I apologize in advance if I multipost. This is my third try. Here goes.

The Sugartits Express.
Damn BlackBerry.

Posted by: Odnon at June 25, 2009 12:15 PM

Mel Gibson is second only to Michael Jackson as our craziest, most messed up, and often despicable celebrity alive today whose not in prison.

Posted by: George at June 25, 2009 12:15 PM

HA

This will blow your mind:

I really liked Braveheart. No, I loved that movie.

Posted by: figgy at June 25, 2009 12:31 PM

I'll do you one better figgy.

I've loved all his directorial movies not counting Man Without A Face.

And I liked most of his acting efforts, too.

I'm almost ashamed to admit it.

Posted by: Ingres at June 25, 2009 2:05 PM

About SILK ROAD--unless it features Mel Gibson circa 1982 (The Year of Living Dangerously), I pass. I have no desire to see current version of Gibson, receding hairline and all, in a speedo (throws up in my mouth). I'm superficial that way.

Posted by: True_Blue at June 25, 2009 2:54 PM

Sanskrit with Mandarin Subtitles.
Hee. When I start a blog about indecipherable books and movies, this will be the title.

Posted by: sweetie dahling at June 25, 2009 3:20 PM

Black Panther - Mel Gibson stars as Huey P Newton as he leads the militant group against their greatest enemies: The Jews!

Camelot - Mel Gibson plays King Arthur as he defends his kingdom from the evil Morgana leJew

Cecil B - This biopic tells the story of one of the greatest director's of all time who works in Hollywood which is of course controlled by the Jews.

Posted by: John W at June 25, 2009 5:28 PM

"Mel Gibson is second only to Michael Jackson as our craziest, most messed up, and often despicable celebrity alive today whose not in prison."


The King is dead. Long live the King...

Posted by: Daniel Hall at June 25, 2009 7:10 PM

sheesh, george, talk about timing...

Posted by: redfeathers at June 25, 2009 7:31 PM

I think any Mel Gibson film wouldn't be complete without (a) his character having a dead wife; and (b) his character undergoing some sort of physical torture. The Jew and Gay hating can be more subtle.

Posted by: Bd at June 26, 2009 10:27 AM