New Historically (In)accurate Films for Mel Gibson to Ruin

By Jeremy Stein | Lists | June 25, 2009 |

By Jeremy Stein | Lists | June 25, 2009 |

The Rat: Set in Medieval Europe, Mel plays Clovis, an aging rat catcher. As the Black Death descends on his manor, it is up to Mel to save the lord (and LADY) of the castle. Armed with cheese and a Bible, Mel does his best to rid the castle of rats (including the evil lord). Latin with French subtitles.

The Silk Road: Wearing nothing but a speedo, Marco Polo — played by Mel — travels the road from Italy to China. Hilarity ensues. Sanskrit with Mandarin subtitles.

The Code: Nammu (Gibson) is a proud man living in Assyria in 1780 BC. His wife dies in a tragic chariot hit and run and Nammu’s leg is also crushed. Deprived of his livelihood (he was a sandal model), Nammu is forced to turn to a life of crime. Caught stealing a loaf of bread, he is sentenced, as per the Code of Hammurabi to having his hand cut off. In Akkadian with hieroglyphic subtitles.

Art School Consequences: Set in the 1900s in Vienna, Mel plays Karl, a professor at the Academy of Fine Arts Vienna. He mentors a young artist named Adolf, who unlike real history, becomes a student at the Academy. Karl and Adolf share many wacky escapades Adolf’s art changes from hate to kindness. (no Jews, homosexuals, gypsies, or others were harmed in the making of the film) In Bromance with Racism subtitles.

Jesus Be Trippin’: Gibson returns to the director’s chair to do a hip-hop remake of his own The Passion of the Christ starring Kanye West in the title role and Tracy Jordan as Pontius Pilate. “Honkies” crucify him with dope raps and mad skillz. Jesus is resurrected at the Apollo. Racial caricatures and Cross pyrotechnics provided by Michael Bay. Studio-friendly jive with follow-the-bouncing ball subtitles.

Jeremy Stein lives in Portland, Maine. He drinks beers and shoots the shit with the publisher of Pajiba.