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Never Go Full Beard: When Bad Beards Happen to Good-Looking People

By Dustin Rowles | Seriously Random Lists | August 6, 2012 | Comments ()


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Hugh Jackman is currently out in Japan filming Wolverine, and the first images of him to leak out are of the Australian sporting a long, unkempt hobo beard, which is studio-speak for superhero depression funk. He's either a recluse wearing the beard in the beginning of the film, or something drives him toward depression and the beard arrives at the bridge.

Either way, it's yet another reminder of the dangers of a full beard. It's true that, according to science, Chicks Dig Beards, but there's a limit. Science states that women are more attracted to short-bearded fellas, although they do find that long-bearded men are better protectors. It's probably because a full, unkempt beard and a pair of crazy eyes is as good as a pit bull at providing protection from criminal elements. Nobody f*cks with a neck beard. That guy's got nothing to lose.

Here is further proof of the limited appeal of a full beard.

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ryan-gosling-with-beard.jpeg

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jon-hamm-beard.jpeg

jake-gyllenhaal-burbank-airport-12052011-lead-613x952.jpeg

shia-labeoud-beard-run.jpeg

Tom-Hardy-bushy-beard.jpeg

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tobey_maguire_full_beard.jpeg

lost-finale-jack.jpeg

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joaquin-phoenix-beard.jpeg

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  • Gnaius

    I think you're all missing the point - Ann Perkins in a beard!

  • ,

    I've worn a full beard for 35 years. Mrs. , has never seen me naked.

    Salt (mostly) and pepper now. I keep it short and trimmed and I am handsome as fuck, thank you. Not like those guys up there.

  • kirbyjay

    These face beavers are photoshopped, yes? Personally I can't abide facial hair longer than stubble, but I do love stubble. Stubble is manly, stubble is hot, stubble says you're devil may care, beards say you just don't care at all.
    Once had a friend who shucked a dozen steamers into a bowl of butter and proceeded to slurp them into his mouth, several at a time. I guess his beard acted as a filter to remove any excess sand. Just looking at a beard now reminds me of his butter glazed bush. I feel a dry heave coming on.
    I sympathize with the men who's ladies don't regularly weed the garden.

  • I_Sell_Books

    Why isn't David Duchovny on this list? Because holy hell, that was a bad look.

  • Orleanas

    Jake Gyllenhaal still looks hella sexy with his beard. Everybody else looks like a hot, homeless, and crazed (Phoenix specifically) mess.

  • laylaness

    Now gurl, I know you're not suggesting Baby Goose is anything other than perfection in any state.

  • Sea Captain Jon Hamm is the only Hamm I've ever found attractive. Rowr!
    Gyllenhaal grows a gorgeous beard as well. He looks great.
    I enjoy an, ahem, aerial view, as it were, of a beard, .It's just so damn manly.

  • I think LaBeouf sold me a hacky sack last year.

    Now that I look at that joke, I can honestly say it seemed funnier in my head. I'm posting it because I went to the trouble to google both "LaBeouf" and "hacky sack" to make sure I had the spelling right.

  • Palaeologos

    Let's not forget Colm Feore in the second season of "The Borgias".

  • pumpkin

    First glance, I thought Jude Law was Tom Hanks.

  • celery

    CUMBERBATCH WHY?

  • Bronson

    How is Matt Smith not on this list? His beard made me so sad.

  • BWeaves

    And yet, beards are the natural state of man. Shaving is unnatural. (I didn't say I didn't like it, just that it's not man in his normal state.)

    Has facial hair that never stops growing actually been useful at any time in history?

    I'm actually rather perplexed about human hair. Some of it never stops growing (hair, chin). Some of it grows a certain length and then knows when to stop (eyebrows, armpits, pubic, arms, legs). And somehow, where some hairy animals do not have hair (around the nose and mouth, armpits, groin) we bush up. I don't understand why.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Apart from protecting your face when it's cold, I can't think of any other function.

  • e jerry powell

    Pardon the crassness, but there are a few perfectly good sexual uses for facial hair that I can think of...

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Really? I'm a beard user myself, and I...

    Wait...

    Stop giving me ideas...

    Great. Now, I don't know if I'm supposed to be turned on or weirded out...

  • e jerry powell

    Depends. Were you wanting to book a demonstration?

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Depends on what you were planning on bringing to the table.

  • e jerry powell

    I will get all up in Baby Goose looking like that. Otherwise he just looks like a long-lost Arquette. Also, Jim Carrey looks better like that, though it may be more the weight gain than the beard. Kutcher still looks like a douche, but that's because he still has a head. Decapitate him, and that'll be a good start. Bateman has taken better bearded pictures, so you're not being fair using that one. Matthew Fox should also hook up with a guillotine. The Gyllenhaal is working me with all that beardness, which is strange, because I find him completely uninteresting without it. R.Pat is just boring.

  • Nat

    Ashton Kutcher? Am I the only one who doesn't see him in this post? I'll guess, given the "douche" clue, you were referring to LaBeouf...

  • RAS

    Oh, Baby Goose. Are you storing nuts for winter in those cheeks?

  • Cumberbatch, NO!

  • BobbFrapples

    Beards are nice, in theory, until that first bowl of soup.

  • Samantha Klein

    Hey, I thought there were going to be good-looking people in this post. Where are they? Oh, wait, there's Tom Hardy...that's it?

  • Blistering blue barnacles, that's a beard on Hamm! Or was he not going for the Captain Haddock look?

  • celery

    Billions of bilious blue blistering barnacles!

    oh, for the days of ten-year-old me pouring my water into a tiny cup at soccer practice and pretending it was Loch Lomond. lots of side-eye from the soccer moms for that one.

  • Martin

    Are you kidding? Hamm looks like the world's sexiest sea captain sporting that beard.

  • e jerry powell

    Not as sexy as the Gorton's FIsherman, but still...

  • Justin Kuhn

    Jon Hamm and Jude Law are kind of making it work.

  • e jerry powell

    Especially HAMMMMM.

  • this is the very first time i have ever been attracted to Jake Gyllenhaal.

  • Some men just attract enough women without engaging in manipulative stylistic psy-ops with their facial hair.

  • stardust

    Cumberbatch and Toby Maguire actually look better with beards. It hides half their face.

  • pajiba

    Boo. BOOOOOOO.

  • Javier

    I was saying Boo-urns

  • e jerry powell

    RAWR!

    *maul*

  • AHHHHH! All my crushes look horrible with beards. And there's no way that Cumberbeard is real. No. Way.

  • Kala

    I join you in disbelief. We should start a coping group.

  • BWeaves

    We could call ourselves the Cumberbeards.

    Oh, that didn't come out right.

    Oh, that didn't come out right, either.

    Just, nevermind.

  • TheOriginalMRod

    Hamm still looks sexy.
    Cumberbatch looks like a deranged leprechaun...
    Joaquin just looks deranged, but then he always has and he always will.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Clean-shaven Cumberbatch still looks like a deranged leprechaun, albeit a clean-shaven one.

  • Rooks

    I actually thought of a garden gnome first. It's probably the blue jacket, much more than the... let's call it "beard".
    But - a leprechaun! That's mad mental cinema- inspiration for everone reading Eoin Colfer's "Artemis Fowl".

  • TheOriginalMRod

    Oh great another book I will have to read.... and it is a series...
    Actually I was thinking more Mad Sweeney from American Gods.

  • Gyllenhaal wins. Law gave him a run for his money, but his super scoop neck t-shirt(s?) look undoes the work of 10 man beards. Jim Carrey is showing some talent here too and looks a little bit like Bill Paxton all of a sudden.

  • lonolove

    Hey! HEY! Us femmes get to change our hair style as much as we like, sometimes on a daily basis (for the strange, high maintenance birds among us). Beards are just a man's way of trying something new with his hair! Also, I find it kind of weird how notable it is when people have a beard. Is it so strange? I never think anything of it, but to the internet at large it seems like a radical lifestyle statement, akin to a celebrity announcing they live off the grid or will breastfeed their child until it is 7 years old.

  • Jezzer

    I don't think it's the beards so much as the unkemptness of said beards. A well-groomed beard can be attractive, but not so much if it looks like it's hiding a colony of badgers.

  • Why you hatin on my Natural? Thin-bearded folks never have the joy of discovering a lost chocolate chip falling out of their beard half an hour after they thought the cookies were all gone. True story.

  • On the other hand, they never experience the horror of having an entire colony of badgers falling out of the beard a half hour after they thought they'd gotten the last badger out.

  • Rochelle

    While some of those beards are ugly, only Joaquin has the crazy eyes that would make me cross to the other side of the street in fear. But, I was raised by hippies, so beards don't scare me.

  • Bandit

    That picture of Phoenix scared the living daylights out of me. It may well proceed to haunt my dreams tonight too...

  • Dugs

    The Cumberbeard is fake (I hope)

  • Tom Hardy still pulls it off.
    ...
    Sorry I meant to say: 'Tom Hardy clearly pulled that beard off of someone else.'

  • Pants_are_a_must

    You wouldn't want Tom Hardy to hear that. He might come to your house, burst through your door and cry on your shoulder.

  • littlelion

    You're saying that like it's a bad thing...

  • Steve

    I wonder what Joseph Gordon-Levitt would look like with a full beard...

  • iforgotmyhandle

    Don't know if he can grow it any fuller but here ya go - http://images.search.conduit.c...

  • celery

    You know it would be the most neatly trimmed beard possible. The man's presence probably renders all in his company dapper.

  • ,

    Where's Brad Pitt channeling Devil Anse Hatfield?*

    http://instinctmagazine.com/bl...

    *--Showin' my West Virginia

  • Malware

    Stubble is still better than clean shaven, but I agree, the hobo beards in this post were kinda scary.

  • I'm telling the rest of the guys in the jungle how you talk smack about hobos, and we're not gonna save you any cat stew or a seat on the box car.

  • Abbey Road

    Ok, nobody's as surprised as I am, but I found Pattinson's to be the least offensive of this whole list.

  • Agreed. I actually thought he looked pretty good with a beard.

    *awaits the inevitable K-Stew/beard joke*

  • llp

    I also agree, and in further things that make you say "hmmm..." news, I thought Tobey Maguire looks better with the beard than without.

  • Javier

    Brad Pitt's looks fine. He's had it waaay worse.

    and of course Ron Swanson pulls it. A beardless Ron Swanson is just wrong. WRONG!

  • Ash

    i hope the rest of your day is cool beans

  • L.O.V.E.

    Never go full bears, you say?

    Huh. So your a closeted homophobe after all.

    Oh wait, you said "beards". Nevermind.

    I saw the header pick up Hugh Jackman ... and jumped to a wrong conclusion. Silly me.

  • Darth Brookes

    Without my beard, I'm just ugly. But with the beard I'm, "hmm, he might be good looking if he shaved his beard off."

  • Kip Hackman

    Same here. With a beard my face has a defined shape and jawline. Without it, it looks like my baby face just melts into my neck a la Jabba the Hutt.

  • Pants_are_a_must

    A-FUCKING-MEN.

    And now I shall hide from all the bear lovers.

  • e jerry powell

    RAWR

    *mauls*

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