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Lady Boner Killers: 8 Of Your Favorite Actors In Their Sh*td*ckiest Roles

By Joanna Robinson | Seriously Random Lists | January 10, 2013 | Comments ()


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What, exactly, is a sh*td*ck? It's different from a villain. A villainous role by itself doesn't have the ability to melt your lady boner. Quite the contrary. (See: Hiddleston, Tom.) A sh*td*ck is that character who's a repugnant combination of coward and bad guy. I'd advise against seeing these 8 films, lest you lose your lady boner forever.

Michael Fassbender--Fish Tank: You've no doubt seen the famous still from this movie where Fassbender is reaching for something in a cabinet, ass dimples akimbo. But lest you think this will be some sort of fun and sexy romp, you should know that *SPOILER ALERT* object of his sexual advances is the young, emotionally damaged daughter of his girlfriend. And that he's married as well. You'll never enjoy his shark-y smile quite the same way again.
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Colin Firth--The English Patient: There was a period of time between "Pride and Prejudice" and, say, Bridget Jones' Diary, where Hollywood didn't quite know what to do with Colin Firth. As the cuckolded husband who gets outgunned by Ralph Fiennes and then, nursing some wounded pride, tries to murder both himself and his wife and ruins a perfectly good biplane in the process, Firth is *no* kinds of sexy. This doesn't help much either. Firth plays a similarly repugnant character in Shakespeare In Love. Complete with poncey ruff and forelock. Not a good look.
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Matt Damon--School Ties: Damon is such a phenomenal actor that it's easy, sometimes, to forget that he has the good looks of an asshole, entitled prepwad. Some might think the puffy face and mustache he sported in The Informant was Damon at his skeeviest, but, for me, it's the anti-semetic prick in School Ties.
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Ralph Fiennes--Schindler's List: Speaking of anti-semetic, ain't nothing sexy about a Nazi. Fiennes excels in playing villains and it's a truth universally acknowledged that women dig a uniform. But Nazi is a deal-breaker.
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Alan Rickman--Love Actually: Rickman is also known for playing the villain. But where Gruber and even the Sheriff Nottingham possess a certain allure, there is nothing attractive about a man in a turtle neck who makes Emma Thompson weep. FOR SHAME, Rickman. For shame.
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David Tennant--Bright Young Things: This great little flick from 2003 doesn't get nearly as much love as it ought. It was my first exposure the the limpid eyed talents of James McAvoy and features Michael Sheen as a Jazz Age Boy George. But, distressingly, David Tennant plays Ginger, the kind of callow little sh*t who thinks he can buy a woman's affections. The skeevy mustache doesn't help. Without the full power of the Tennant charisma behind it, Ten's face comes off as supremely ratty and not at all attractive. (See also Crouch Jr., Barty.)
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Bradley Cooper--Wedding Crashers: Cooper, of course, trades on his douchebag charm. But the emu can't possibly do it for you in this movie. If his d*ckishness doesn't turn you off, the pastel sweaters certainly will.
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Benedict Cumberbatch--Atonement: If you're among those who appreciate all that Cumberbatch has to offer, this movie may just ruin it for you.
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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • sars

    Ralph Fiennes—Schindler’s List- I know its wrongs... but I still found him HOT....

  • AngelenoEwok

    I have a now-ex-BF who used to act, and is the sweetest teddy bear of a guy in real life (we are still great friends). But the first time I ever watched him play a really cold, remorseless villain, it was super disturbing and I had some very "DO NOT WANT" moments about it. The magic of acting, people!

  • elirt

    AHA! That's why I've always been skeeved out by Benedict Cumberbatch because of Atonement! The book is incredible and the movie did a fair job at getting such emotionally wrought material on the big screen. No wonder I've never liked looking at him. Such a despicable character. UGH.

  • Danar the Barbarian

    Is there a category for roles that give you a shame-inducing, totally inappropriate lady boner? Because I'm sorry, but Ralph Fiennes in Schindler's List was hot. The uniform, the craziness, the hair totally did it for me. All the while I'm uncomfortable, I know it's wrong, I'm terrified of his character and all that is going on in his sick mind, but I can't help myself. Runner up for most shameful lady boner? Willem Defoe in Last Temptation of Christ. So wrong and yet so right!

  • Sack Lodge.

    Sack Lodge.

    Sack Lodge.

    ...I've no point to make. That name just needs to be said or written as many times as possible because it's a work of such total genius that it boggles the mind,

    Sack Lodge.

  • Xxxx

    The unbelievably cruel things being said about Cumberbatch are freaking me out. What the hell did this guy do deserve the nasty remarks. The only thing he's done is give consistently great performances but apparently because he has the audacity to not look like Brad fucking Pitt he's open to ridicule. I thought this site appreciated talent above anything.

  • F'mal DeHyde

    Are you serious? This site has a disproportionately large amount of fangirls that swoon over the man. The comments in this post are atypical.

  • $27019454

    Hey hey long time no post but I beg to differ on Firth. Yes indeed big dickishness in English Patient, but Circle of Friends leads the pack. Cousin Simon goes after under-aged young Catholic girl and leaves her pregnant? Pig. Very much a pig. And heavy on the dickishness as well.

  • JoannaRobinson

    You are absolutely correct.

  • AngelenoEwok

    OHMYGOD I ALWAYS FORGET THAT'S HIM AND THEM I'M ALWAYS SUPER UPSET EVERY TIME I'M REMINDED. MORNING COFFEE RUINED NOW :-(. WHYCOLINWHY.

  • F'mal DeHyde

    Oh god, Alan Cumming in that movie. Gleurgh!

  • e jerry powell

    Looking up the Emu's nose is to gaze into the maw of hell.

  • Don't forget that in Shakespeare in Love Firth gets cuckolded by ANOTHER Fiennes -- Joseph. I always thought that was kind of hilarious.

    And how about Christian Bale in....oh, just about everything? American Psycho and The Fighter, just to start.

  • DominaNefret

    The title of this post is exceptionally heteronormative.

  • Eugen

    confused troll

  • Ginger

    It's a play on "Lady Killers," pull your head out.

  • Skyler Durden

    That scene in Fish Tank is one of my go-to's. You know how when porn used to be on VHS you could always tell when someone was...er...done based on where the tape stopped?

    Yeah, that's what Fish Tank looks like in my Netflix instant queue. Hit play and it picks up right after that California Dreamin scene.

  • Guest

    That scene is amazing period.

  • Ray Ray

    In the same vein as Fassbender in Fish Tank, there's Saarsgard in An Education. Soooo dreamy. Soooo dickwad-y.

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt11...

  • Yes. All of these.

    Although Ralph Fiennes. Ugh. I just love him in anything. Anything. Do you know how many times I've watched Maid in Manhattan since it's been on Netflix? It's a shameful number, really.

  • Rooks

    To me, the most wtfiest of all things is that, in the directors'/actors' commentary bit on the Sherlock-DVDs, Steven Moffat explains that Mark Gatiss and he considered Cumberbatch as Sherlock Holmes (and ended up sending the script to no one else but him) after seeing him in Atonement. He literally says 'We saw him in Atonement and really thought, well, he could be Sherlock.' I remember this well because I had taken a sip of water at that exact moment and ended up coughing so hard that it took its exit through my nostrils. Paul Marshall (the character from Atonement) and Sherlock Holmes couldn't be more different. So much so that it's hard to comprehend - looking at the other comments here, I'm not alone in this - that it's actually the same guy. What did Moffat and Gatiss see in that performance that clicked with idea of kick-ass, brilliant, handsome Sherlock, I wonder? It boggles my tiny mind in any case.

  • jeannebean

    Each character was a high-functioning sociopath (as Sherlock describes himself); there's that, and that they're both vertebrates - the extent of their similarities. Urgh... Paul Marshall was an oily, rapey, nasty mess.

  • Although you have to admit that Sherlock did bite it, so to speak, in Reichenbach Fall.

    .. too soon? :|

  • jessllama

    Despite his playing a Nazi, I still found Ralph Fiennes in Schindler's List to be all kinds of sexy. Possibly the first time I ever saw him too, I'm not sure. For him Voldemort killed my lady boner.

    Alan Rickman in Love, Actually is right on the mark though. That is my favorite movie OF ALL TIME but I hate that storyline. Sorry Rickman. There will always be Snape though.

  • sars

    same here, that was the first time I saw him in anything, and I thought he was all sorts of hot... then I felt bad because he was so aweful, but then I found him hot. I cant help it.. the man is all sorts of sex.

  • Me, too. Though I've read that that was one of the main reasons Spielberg cast him--that totally creepy/alluring kind of attractiveness. Apparently the real Amon Goeth had that same thing going on...plus, you know, the psychotic murderer thing on top.

  • Waac

    Oh yeah the psychotic murder thing is so very alluring ( eye roll )
    Get a life !

  • $27019454

    Mmmmm, yeah, baby.

  • Puddin

    Oh thank God you said that about Ralph. My obsession with him started with Schindlers List. Do you know how messed up it is to be thirteen and crushing on a morbidly obese Nazi. I always wondered if maybe I had some repressed anti Semitic beliefs or something. Now I know I'm just kind of slutty. Woohoo!

  • nipsy

    True story: I had two best friends in uni. One is Jewish. The other one and I saw this film, and the following conversation occurred as we left the theatre:

    me: "I'm really glad X didn't come to see this with us."

    friend (puzzled): "why?"

    me: "So she wouldn't hear what I'm about to say. That Nazi was HAWT."

    Nothing he has ever been in since, and I mean NOTHING, has killed my massive lady-boner for Ralph Fiennes. And I've seen Red Dragon. And all of the Harry Potter films.

  • MissAmynae

    I was a Goth girl in high school when it came out, and in a very dark place, so to speak, so yeah, disturbingly alluring. Fiennes was terrifying, but oh so charismatic- its that ability to draw a weak person in, because they think no one could actually be THAT bad.... You almost believe him when he says he cares, but by the time you realize "oh shit, batshit crazy Nazi" its too late.

  • jessllama

    Likewise, thank God YOU said that. I was wondering if I was going to be the only person to feel this way. But, I figured that if I was the only person to feel like that I'd at least be honest to myself!

    Slutty isn't bad. I'd happily bang any number of celebrities even though I'm happily married.

  • I'm totally cracking up right now, because as I was reading this, I was listening to a cover of "Cecelia" by Suggs and it synched up perfectly with the duck-face Fassbender gif. It's like he was dancing to it!

    Try it. You'll like it.

  • toblerone

    Chris O'dowd - The Crimson Petal and the White + He's in Girls so who know what will happen there

  • theotherone

    Damien Lewis - The Forsyte Saga - Rapey.

  • F'mal DeHyde

    God, I hated him in that! His mean little mouth and disapproving/haughty look made me want to slam his face against a rock. Then I saw Band of Brothers and kind of fell in love with him, then Life clinched it... he's an odd looking man, but he's extremely attractive and very talented.

  • MissAmynae

    always rapey, even on Homeland. Just...ew.

  • theotherone

    Not Rapey in Band of Brothers or Life (or Homeland).

  • MissAmynae

    to each their own, I suppose. Homeland is more of a mindfucking rapey. I haven't seen Band of Brothers. Not sure why- just never got around to it.

  • JoannaRobinson

    SUPER rapey.

  • theotherone

    Speaking of SUPER - Ellen Page was Rapey in that one too.

  • prairiegirl

    I think Wedding Crashers was the genesis of my dislike for Bradley Cooper. Plus, he reminds me a lot of a guy I had an emotionally screwed up, love/hate type "relationship" with on and off for about eight years. I can't bring myself to see Silver Linings Playbook for the simple fact that he is in it.

  • DominaNefret

    He is WONDERFUL in Silver Linings Playbook. I never liked him, I actively avoided movies he was in, but I fell in love with him in that movie.

  • Eight years?! @c9455631a5a7537484d4b0886a47bfd9:disqus - I'm both so sorry and want to remind you to kick those sumbitches to the curb forever, dammit! They don't treat you well, ever.

  • prairiegirl

    Oh don't you worry, I finally came to my senses. And he was never a "boyfriend", but we definitely had a twisted, acrimonious "something" for way too long. I'm sure a therapist could have a field day if I ever delved into it. But I have been happily married now for nearly 13 years to someone very unlike him, so all is well with the world. Most days.

    Though I still have no desire to see Bradley Cooper.

  • A. Smith

    It took me forever not to see Cooper as a... you know from Wedding Crashers.

  • I'm kind of surprised, by the way, that Atonement didn't get nominated for Hair/Makeup. That moustache on Cumberbatch is so....1910 skeezeball right.

  • Salieri2

    Eurgh, yes. That 'stache plus that mouth are practically an assault all on their own--thank God I saw Sherlock first. I don't think he's especially attractive, but at least I can stand to look at him. If I'd caught Atonement before Sherlock, my love for Martin Freeman wouldn't have been able to save it for me.

  • Three_nineteen

    Ha, I had no idea so many people have seen Secret Smile. I don't think I actually made it all the way through - it was too convincing.

  • Abbey Road

    Atonement is the first time I saw Cumberbatch, that I'm aware of, and it did take me QUITE some time to get past that stink.

  • Agreed. I had to watch it again to make double sure that that was the same guy as Sherlock.

  • BWeaves

    I refuse to watch Secret Smile. I've been warned off it before.

    However in Bright Young Things, he looks like Hitler's ginger brother. Again, Nazi's are a deal breaker.

  • brienne

    Looking for some TRULY skeevy David Tennant? Try watching Secret Smile. And then regret it forever. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...

  • sourbob

    I think we were just a few minutes apart posting nearly the exact thing.

    Agreed though. Secret Smile will make you want to cross the street if you see Tennant coming.

  • mats19

    Fish Tank is the exact OPPOSITE of a lady boner killer... the whole allure of the Fasswang is his general shit dickyness

    also the real boner killer of Ralph Fiennes is his terrible balding head

  • Deidra

    It's true. If one can get past the domestic abuse allegations against him from the rescinded restraining order, one shouldn't have issue with his performance in Fish Tank.

  • KatSings

    I did not realize till this moment that THAT was Benedict Cumberbatch. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say subconsciously that may be why I've *never* found him attractive.

  • Yeah, I can never watch him in anything without thinking of that (which was the first thing I saw him in) and I just can't get over how gross and skeevish he was in that. OK, it doesn't help that he's just a plain ol' ugly man.

  • Pinky McLadybits

    I'm still giggling at my new favorite word: shitdicky. I cannot WAIT to drop that on someone. Heee!!

  • sourbob

    David Tennant's most off-putting role is the UK two-part serial Secret Smile in which being dumped after 10 days so enrages him that he systematically destroys a woman's life, doing it so sneakily that no one will believe her.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...

  • SBrown

    It was really hard to watch Doctor Who without thinking of him skeevily saying, "I've cum in that mouth." Dude. Still creeps me out.

  • BendinIntheWind

    That Cumberbatch GIF is going to give me NIGHTMARES.

  • This one gives me nightmares: http://25.media.tumblr.com/tum...

  • BendinIntheWind

    BRB, crying forever.

  • PDamian

    I didn't think Colin Firth was all that douche-y in English Patient. Rather, he came off as the stereotypical "nice guy," pleasant, accommodating, unremarkable and uninspiring, funny in a bland, non-offensive manner, and aching for a woman who'll never really be his. Seeing him so devilishly sexy and self-contained in A Single Man was quite a revelation, and he should have won the Oscar for that instead of The King's Speech. I feel the same way about Alan Rickman in Love, Actually. Neither his character nor Firth's in English Patient were actively evil or asshole-ish, although their actions were. I saw them as basically decent humans who forgot themselves for a while, with devastating consequences.

    Benedict Cumberbatch, on the other hand -- holy shit. I saw Atonement, and yet I didn't recognize him the next time I saw him, which was in Sherlock. Probably a good thing, as I would have changed the channel. Boy was all kinds of disgusting in that film.

  • Zirza

    I had to do a double check too. He's kind of hot in Sherlock but he's downright nightmarish in Atonement. Once I figured out they were the same I felt very dirty.
    Freud would have had a field day with that.

  • Pants_are_a_must

    I think Fassbender is always a dick, whether you care for his character or not. He has a natural dickishness about him that just comes out in every character, just like Tom Hardy always has an emotionally damaged quality about his characters.

  • ERM

    Hasn't he been arrested in the past for domestic abuse? Or am I remembering another slightly creepy actor?

  • sars

    Re: "Tom Hardy always has an emotionally damaged quality about his characters". excellent. I've searched for words to put to this quality and to adequetly describe what it is I love about each and every single character he portrays. Now I have it.

  • theotheone

    Fassbender isn't a dick, he is just a good looking guy and that usually equates to jealousy in others and makes him a "dick". Don't hate him because he's beautiful.

    I've always thought Hardy gives off the confused sexuality vibe.

  • Pants_are_a_must

    Oh my stars, did you just use the "don't hate me because I'm beautiful" defense on Michael Fucking Fasschlong?

    Thank you for that. I needed a good laugh.

  • Kailan_Sunshine

    Something about that man sets off my 'fight or flight' response.

  • Natallica

    Seconded. He was so believable in "Haywire" that I can't help to think he would be sooo untrustworthy in real life.

  • ceebee_eebee

    Amen. I have always found him skeevetastic and his role in Fish Tank was simply good casting.

  • Theunis Stofberg

    Micheal Vartan as the homophobe redneck in Too Wong Foo.

  • DarcyMcCarbomb

    He was pretty rapey in that one.

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