Lady Boner Killers: 8 Of Your Favorite Actors In Their Sh*td*ckiest Roles
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Lady Boner Killers: 8 Of Your Favorite Actors In Their Sh*td*ckiest Roles

By Joanna Robinson | Seriously Random Lists | January 10, 2013 | Comments ()


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What, exactly, is a sh*td*ck? It's different from a villain. A villainous role by itself doesn't have the ability to melt your lady boner. Quite the contrary. (See: Hiddleston, Tom.) A sh*td*ck is that character who's a repugnant combination of coward and bad guy. I'd advise against seeing these 8 films, lest you lose your lady boner forever.

Michael Fassbender--Fish Tank: You've no doubt seen the famous still from this movie where Fassbender is reaching for something in a cabinet, ass dimples akimbo. But lest you think this will be some sort of fun and sexy romp, you should know that *SPOILER ALERT* object of his sexual advances is the young, emotionally damaged daughter of his girlfriend. And that he's married as well. You'll never enjoy his shark-y smile quite the same way again.
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Colin Firth--The English Patient: There was a period of time between "Pride and Prejudice" and, say, Bridget Jones' Diary, where Hollywood didn't quite know what to do with Colin Firth. As the cuckolded husband who gets outgunned by Ralph Fiennes and then, nursing some wounded pride, tries to murder both himself and his wife and ruins a perfectly good biplane in the process, Firth is *no* kinds of sexy. This doesn't help much either. Firth plays a similarly repugnant character in Shakespeare In Love. Complete with poncey ruff and forelock. Not a good look.
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Matt Damon--School Ties: Damon is such a phenomenal actor that it's easy, sometimes, to forget that he has the good looks of an asshole, entitled prepwad. Some might think the puffy face and mustache he sported in The Informant was Damon at his skeeviest, but, for me, it's the anti-semetic prick in School Ties.
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Ralph Fiennes--Schindler's List: Speaking of anti-semetic, ain't nothing sexy about a Nazi. Fiennes excels in playing villains and it's a truth universally acknowledged that women dig a uniform. But Nazi is a deal-breaker.
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Alan Rickman--Love Actually: Rickman is also known for playing the villain. But where Gruber and even the Sheriff Nottingham possess a certain allure, there is nothing attractive about a man in a turtle neck who makes Emma Thompson weep. FOR SHAME, Rickman. For shame.
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David Tennant--Bright Young Things: This great little flick from 2003 doesn't get nearly as much love as it ought. It was my first exposure the the limpid eyed talents of James McAvoy and features Michael Sheen as a Jazz Age Boy George. But, distressingly, David Tennant plays Ginger, the kind of callow little sh*t who thinks he can buy a woman's affections. The skeevy mustache doesn't help. Without the full power of the Tennant charisma behind it, Ten's face comes off as supremely ratty and not at all attractive. (See also Crouch Jr., Barty.)
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Bradley Cooper--Wedding Crashers: Cooper, of course, trades on his douchebag charm. But the emu can't possibly do it for you in this movie. If his d*ckishness doesn't turn you off, the pastel sweaters certainly will.
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Benedict Cumberbatch--Atonement: If you're among those who appreciate all that Cumberbatch has to offer, this movie may just ruin it for you.
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