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It's a Short Trip to Irrelevance. Last Stop: The Scary Movie Franchise

By Dustin Rowles | Seriously Random Lists | April 9, 2013 | Comments ()


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I cannot convey to you the profound level of dislike I have for the Scary Movie franchise. There was a certain point when the movies were tolerable. The original was funny (at least at the time), and the sequel was almost mediocre. However, once Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer got involved, all of the parody movies became as lazy and unwatchable as Date Movie and Disaster Movie and Epic Movie, ad infinitum. At this point, the Wayans aren't even involved in the Scary Movie franchise anymore, but Marlon Wayans did write A Haunted House, which was as terrible as every other iteration of the same spoof movie that recycles the same jokes with different movie title punchlines. There's not a joke in these movies that hasn't already been made 100,000 times; in fact, at this point, they probably just troll Twitter for moviegoer reactions to horror films and weave those into a script for a film that won't arrive in theaters for another six months.

They are inexpensive to make (they usually run around $20 million) and they all double their money back, then quadruple it with international distribution. There is no stopping this train. It's been running for 15 years (or much, much longer if you count the old Leslie Nielsen spoofs), and it will probably continue to run as long as horror movies are being made and there's a willing audience. Given how terrible the movies already are, I suspect there will always be a willing audience. The bar has been set incredibly low, and movieogoers continue to limbo underneath it.

The Scary Movie franchise completely devoid of cultural relevance. The casting, however, is well suited. Most of the people who end up in Scary Movie movies already have one foot in the career grave. Appearing in them, however, is like being shoved into oblivion. Anna Faris has managed to survive, and James Van Der Beek briefly recovered from a cameo in one of the films. And Charlie Sheen, of course, is human embodiment of the Scary Movie franchise: A squashed cockroach that squirms out from underneath every shoe only to be squashed again.

For the most part, however, it's a trip to nowheresville. Ashley Tisdale takes over the Anna Faris role in this weekend's Scary Movie 5, and I can virtually guarantee that Tisdale's already hobbling career will head straight to Redbox thereafter. Lindsay Lohan, Jerry O'Connell, and Kate Walsh -- each of whom appear in Scary Movie 5 -- should also bid adieu to their careers now (or five years ago). Their agents should have them sign VH1 Celebreality contracts in exchange for their Scary Movie paychecks.

Here's a small sampling of the careers that have fallen into the Scary Movie sinkhole, never to recover.

Shannon Elizabeth

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Carmen Elektra

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Cheri Oteri

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Natasha Lyonne

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Simon Rex

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Camryn Manheim

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Denise Richards

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Tori Spelling

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Eddie Griffin

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Katt Williams

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Pamela Anderson and Jenny McCarthy

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Holly Madison

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Molly Shannon

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James Woods (Yes. James Woods. Check his filmography over the last decade for traces of relevance. You will come up empty).

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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • ,

    Holly who?

  • BlackRabbit

    Poor Anna Faris. Smart, pretty, funny, and must have pissed someone off in a past life. Deserves better.

  • aardvark

    I was about to come to the defence of Ashley Tisdale, but then I realised it was Brittany Snow that was in Pitch Perfect.

    Carry on.

  • Holly Madison had a productive burlesque career here in Vegas.

    .. yeah, that doesn't mean much.

  • e jerry powell

    Katt Williams had a career?

  • foolsage

    James Woods was freakin' awesome as Owlman (basically an evil alternate-dimensional version of Batman) in Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths, in 2010.

    But yeah, he's willing to take some really crappy scripts.

  • Green Lantern

    Yeah he WAS pretty great as Owlman.

  • Drake

    Simon Rex's best role will always be his gay porn work.

  • e jerry powell

    Because, let's face it, he was about useless otherwise. Eric Nies is slightly more relevant.

  • Drake

    He did make me believe that he was enjoying his orgasm, which is more than I can say for any of his other roles.

  • e jerry powell

    OH, SNAP!

  • Mrs. Julien

    Molly Shannon deserved so much better.

  • $27019454

    Yes yes yes!

    Still procrastinating.

  • $27019454

    Not Molly Shannon. Please. No. Nooooo.

  • dizzylucy

    Yeah, that one made me sad too. She deserves better.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    Look, I get it. You write tongue-in-cheek articles to enrage people who's /sarc sensor works about as well as a Canadian's sense of outrage. "Sweetened by mock, lightened by droll" is the website's tag line. I've come to expect (to varying degrees of success) you and the writing staff taking the piss on a daily basis.

    The fact that you have mentioned Leslie Nielsen in the same article as the idiots responsible for the movies that shall not be named has driven me to a level of rage that I have not experienced before. You shall hear no more from me on this topic but woe betide you when I unleash the rabid beavers of war.

  • the dude

    Comeon leslie nielsdn was a clown unworthy of high praise

  • JJ

    That's right! The man is a Canadian national treasure whose works includes such criterion-worthy classics as Stan Helsing, Mr. Magoo, Chilly Dogs, 2001: A Space Travesty, Scary Movie 3 and 4, and my personal favorite: Slap Shot 3: The Junior League!

  • You forgot Spy Hard. NEVER FORGET SPY HARD.

  • Amanda B. Cabral

    If you think Clifford`s story is really great..., last pay cheque my boy frends dad worked and got paid $6122 putting in a thirteen hour week from home and they're best friend's aunt`s neighbour was doing this for 8-months and broght in over $6122 in there spare time from there laptop. follow the guidelines from this web-site.. Big31.com

  • Some Guy

    *Cough*Surf Ninjas*Cough*

  • lowercase_ryan

    Leslie Nielson belongs to the world.

    You guys get Bieber.

  • NateMan

    It's all funny until rabid beavers get involved.

  • $27019454

    Rabid Beavers sounds like the porn equivalent of Scary Movie.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    You google rabid beaver attack and let me know if that's still your position. Beware my minions!

  • $27019454

    Holy fuck. I cannot believe the rabid beaver stories on Google. These are heinous-wretched! These fucking beavers WILL. NOT. DIE.

    I'm procrastinating. I know this.

    Help me.

  • I'm sorry, that sentence has me chortling like a 5 year old. It is just too perfect.

  • lowercase_ryan

    why would you do that?

  • bleujayone

    James Woods looks like he's in training to compete in the Ultimate Grit Off versus Gary Busey.

  • NateMan

    While I'd agree the Scary Movie franchise was certainly shit after the first one, I don't think the vast majority of those actors\actresses can blame any part of their career nosedives on taking part in them. Most of them sucked great big donkey balls before, during, and after these catastrophes.

    And the first Scary Movie remains funny to this day. Next time I get buzzed I think I'll have to find that dreck. It was good stuff. Someone stepping on Anna Faris's hair while she gives head? Far funnier than it should have been.

  • lowercase_ryan

    R.I.P. Undercover Brother

    Simon Rex LOLZ

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