Five Celebrities That Are Not F**king Allowed to Divorce, Damnit
I know it's stupid, and I know that I'm not supposed to care about the goddamn personal lives of celebrities, but when certain celebrities divorce -- or break up, as in the case of Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins -- I lose a little faith in romance. I woke up this morning to news that Cameron Crowe -- my all-time favorite director -- and his longtime wife, Nancy Wilson, were divorcing. Man, that's soul crushing. Granted, I know absolutely nothing about their marriage, but I've seen Crowe's films, and he's a real goddamn romantic. If you've ever listened to the Say Anything director's commentary, you'd know, too, that Crowe was absolutely smitten with his wife. Plus, Wilson -- who is part of the 80's female rock band, Heart, which recently announced they were reforming -- has provided a lot of music for Crowe's soundtracks over the years. Good music, too.
So yeah: It's stupid. But it feels like it matters. It matters because Lloyd Dobbler stood outside of Diane Court's house with a boombox. It matters because the first person that Rod Tidwell called after his miraculous touchdown catch on "Monday Night Football," was his wife. It matters because of the way that William Miller crushed so hard on Penny Lane, and it matters because Linda was nowhere near Steve's neighborhood ("What took you so long?"). Cameron Crowe's movies felt personal, and though I knew nothing about his marriage, I implied a lot of things based on his work. I wanted to maintain that illusion.
Naive? Maybe. But, fuck you. I'm allowed to feel a connection to certain people that I don't know personally. Sadly, the older I get, the more those people I hero-worshiped as a kid -- Bill Clinton, David Letterman, and now Cameron Crowe -- provide reasons for disillusionment. So, who's left? What celebrity marriages still give us reason to believe that, even in the world of Hollywood, where marriages frequently don't make it a year (see, most recently, Fred Armisen and Elisabeth Moss), that true fucking love still exists. What marriages would be the most heartbreaking if they ended in divorce? I shall reduce it to a list of five and exploit it for my own hit-whoring gain.
5. Jon Stewart and Tracey McShane
4. Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman
3. Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick
2. Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson
1. Michael J. Fox and Tracy Pollan