A One Hundred Percent Accurate, No BS List of the 2015 Oscar Winners
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A One Hundred Percent Accurate, No BS List of the 2015 Oscar Winners

By Rebecca Pahle | Seriously Random Lists | February 3, 2014 | Comments ()

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Greetings, fellow humans. My name’s Rebecca, and this is my first day writing for Pajiba. Here are some things you should know about me: I’m a Libra. I like Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium, and I don’t care who knows it. And I’m a time traveller. This year’s Oscars are on March 2nd, but traveling back in time a month isn’t exactly impressive, so I’ve schlepped back from 2015 to let you know which of this year’s films are taking home the gold. All I ask is a small cut of your Oscar pool proceeds. Forty percent should do it.

Best Actor - Hollywood, not quite ready to let Breaking Bad go, rallies behind Need for Speed star Aaron Paul, giving him an upset win over presumptive victor Channing Tatum (22 Jump Street). In the days following the ceremony nasty rumors start to circulate about Bryan Cranston holding AMPAS president Cheryl Boone Isaacs captive.

Best Actress - After years of being snubbed by the Academy, Milla Jovovich pulls off an upset win over Meryl Streep. At the Vanity Fair post-Oscar party Streep was heard to opine to a nodding Kate Winslet that the award went to the right person, because “Resident Evil 6 was baller.”

Best Supporting Actor - Stanley Tucci takes every movie he’s in and makes it better, even in the case of the already stellar Transformers: Age of Extinction. Though one wonders if the win didn’t go to Tucci partially because of goodwill stemming from his un-nominated vocal work in Mr. Peabody & Sherman.

Best Supporting Actress - This one goes to Hercules’s Irina Shayk purely on the strength of her ability to act opposite The Rock without being visibly star-struck. “OMG,” the Academy was heard to say after the ceremony wrapped, “he seems like such a down-to-Earth guy. I couldn’t, if I had to act with him. I just couldn’t.”

Best Visual Effects - When the visual effects nominees are announced at the 2014 Oscars, Academy members will panic when they realize, shit, we forgot to nominate Pacific Rim. To make up for their egregious error, they give it the Oscar in 2015. It’s accepted by Idris Elba riding a giant robot.

Best Cinematography - In one of the most emotional moments of the telecast, Amir Mokri receives a posthumous award for his work on Transformers: Age of Extinction. Determined to get the best angle on an exploding fire hydrant, Mokri suffered fourth-degree burns over much of his body. His dedication to his craft will never be forgotten.

Best Costume Design - Following the controversial decision to replace everyone in AMPAS’ costume design branch with nine-year-old boys hopped up on sugar and video games, the 2015 Best Costume Design Oscar will go to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Best Documentary - What else could possibly win in this category than Retiring From Public Life, the riveting tale of Shia LaBeouf’s descent into madness—or, rather, “descent into madness,” as the actor’s much-publicized breakdowns, from his plagiarizing Daniel Clowes to that time he walked the Nymphomaniac: Volume I red carpet in a bear suit, was later revealed to be a metacritical piece of performance art geared toward examining our relationships to ourselves. Joaquin Phoenix and Casey Affleck directed.

Best Original Screenplay - Endless Love will give the cinemagoers of 2015 something they’d never seen before: Two attractive white people struggling to make their star-crossed relationship work, only to discover in the final five minutes that they’re both Martian assassins sent to Earth to kill Robert Patrick’s character. It’s a bloodbath. Endless Love’s second win of the night is for Best Hair and Makeup.

Best Adapted Screenplay - Writer Josh Heald’s inventive reimagining of Johann Wolfgang von Goethe’s Faust will garner Hot Tub Time Machine 2 its only award of the evening.

Best Director - Bobby Farrelly takes home this one for Dumb and Dumber To. Not Peter Farrelly. Screw that guy.

Best Picture - Christopher Nolan’s Interstellar.

(photo credit: Darren Decker / ©A.M.P.A.S.)

Rebecca Pahle is an Associate Editor at The Mary Sue and writes miscellaneous cinematic screeds of her very own at Cinefeels.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • Arran

    The controversy about Endless Love being in the original screenplay category got nasty, though. Robert Patrick actually killed a guy.

  • wileEC

    Crisis averted.
    Well played Becks...well played.

  • csb

    Good stuff, and welcome aboard.


    (I'm a big fan of The Mary Sue too, btw.)

  • ZizoAH

    Can you please also fix the supporting actress retroactively and give it to Julianne Moore for Magonlia?

    Yay! Thanks.

  • loo shag brolley

    A fitting introduction. Nicely done.


  • googergieger

    My name is googergieger and here is some things you should know about me.

    I like chewing gum and bangin pussy, and thank god I have plenty of gum left.

    I love Kung Pow:Enter the Fist and I don't care who knows it, but please don't tell anyone, that shit is embarrassing.

    I don't watch the Oscars, cause, well why do people watch them again? They're stupid or something right? Yeah, that sounds right. I agree with that.

    *walks away*

  • Alberto Cox Délano

    Hmmm, and I suppose Fox News took over Comedy Central right?

  • Mohammed Al Qemzi

    “Resident Evil 6 was baller.”

    I love you

  • You mean I'm not the only Libra who likes Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium?
    I've given serious thought to buying it for $6.66 with a giftcard, thwated only by my chronic indecisiveness.

  • Wigamer

    You, I like.

  • Jelinas

    I like the cut of your jib. Pajiba sure knows how to pick 'em. :)

  • Uriah_Creep

    Well, it's in the name: Pa-jib-a.

  • Jenn TheYellowDart

    "“Resident Evil 6 was baller.”"
    ...I will follow you into battle anywhere and anytime. Welcome aboard, and you begin with a baller post!

  • ***Slow clap***
    Welcome to the recent past, Ms. Pahle.

  • You had me at “Resident Evil 6 was baller.”

  • Guest

    Rebecca, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

    But then again, I'm new here too.

  • Ted Zancha

    I think you will do just fine here Ms. Pahle. That was quite funny.

  • stella

    OMG youre Rebecca from The Mary Sue? I love that site and youre so cool!

  • loo shag brolley

    Extra ups for rhyming!

  • emmalita

    Gaia Weiss was robbed. Sure Irina Shayk kept the fangirling to a minimum, but Weiss refrained from saying "what?" after every line of Kellan Lutz dialogue.

  • TK

    Endless Love will give the cinemagoers of 2015 something they’d never seen before: Two attractive white people struggling to make their star-crossed relationship work, only to discover in the final five minutes that they’re both Martian assassins sent to Earth to kill Robert Patrick’s character.

    I would watch the ass off of that movie.

  • kinoumenthe

    Still, keeking the only good part for the last five minutes was a shitty move. Robert Patrick's character's death scene was one of the best put to screen in a very long time !
    As much as I love Stanley Tucci, he totally robbed Patrick of a well deserved oscar on that one, IMHO.

  • lowercase_ryan

    You'll do nicely.

  • ONE! OF! US! ONE! OF! US!

  • BendinIntheWind

    "It’s accepted by Idris Elba riding a giant robot."

    Someone's been reading my dream journal again...

  • becks2point0

    You know how sometimes you hear a new song on the radio, it's still a little foreign to you but you dig the beat, and then it plays the chorus for the second time and you're humming along and it's starting to grow on you and you think to yourself "This seems like it may be a catchy little ditty and I think I'll like this song the next time I hear it."?

    That is not at all what this article was like for me because I love you immediately.

  • Rebecca Pahle

    Bring it in for a hug, @becks2point0:disqus.

  • Joe Grunenwald

    Hey! Did you know that you also write for The Mary Sue!? And that's where I know your name from. Hooray for crossover from other sites that I like!

  • Rebecca Pahle

    I do indeed. Hooray for unusual, easily recognizable last names!

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