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8 Chain Restaurant Menu Items that Put Ron Swanson's Meat Tornado to Shame

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Seriously Random Lists | Comments (51)

ron-swanson-meat-600x311-thumb-450x233-24338.jpg

The Center for Science in the Public Interest released a list of the 8 most caloric menu items in the nation’s chain restaurants as part of its Xtreme Eating Awards, which is supposed to discourage overeating but will more likely present challenges to the Ron Swansons of the world. Many of the restaurants in question, in fact, openly brag about the bang for your buck, so to speak, although that bang might be the sound of your heart valves bursting. Note that the following items do not include sides, which typically include high-calorie items like fries or dressing-rich salads.

As a baseline, note that average eater should limit his or herself to 2000 calories, 20 grams of saturated fat, and 1,500 milligrams of sodium per day. And for comparisons sake, a McDonald’s Quarter Pounder has 510 calories and a personal pan pepperoni pizza at Pizza Hut has 610 calories, which is to say: You can eat more than three personal pan pizzas before you’ve topped the calorie count in one PB&C Shake at Cold Stone Creamery. I’m not sure what that C stands for unless it’s “cow,” as in the entire cow.


IHOP: Monster Bacon ‘N Beef Cheeseburger: 1,250 calories, 42g of saturated fat and 1,590mg of sodium.

The Great Steak: King Fries: 1,500 calories, 33g of saturated fat and 4,980mg of sodium.

Morton’s: Porterhouse Steak: 1,390 calories, 36g of saturated fat and 1,200mg of sodium

Denny’s: Fried Cheese Melt: 1,260 calories, 21g of saturated fat and 3,010mg of sodium.

The Cheesecake Factory: Farmhouse Cheeseburger: 1,530 calories, 36g of saturated fat and 3,210mg of sodium

Cold Stone Creamery: PB&C Shake : 2,010 calories and 68g of saturated fat.

Applebee’s: Provolone-Stuffed Meatballs With Fettuccine : 1,520 calories, 43g of saturated fat and 3,700mg of sodium.

The Cheesecake Factory: Ultimate Red Velvet Cake Cheesecake: 1,540 calories and 59g of saturated fat.

(Source: Center for Science in Public Interest via Esquire)










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Comments

Provolone stuffed meatballs with fettuccini-Given that it's Applebee's it's probably an appetizer.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at July 21, 2011 11:23 AM

Well, damn. A personal pan pizza seems like a reasonable, downright healthy option in comparison.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at July 21, 2011 11:23 AM

The Applebees stuffed meatballs are pretty good, but to be fair their portion size usually translates to about three meals for me.

Posted by: Markus at July 21, 2011 11:28 AM

Death by red velvet cheesecake doesn't seem like such a bad way to go.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at July 21, 2011 11:32 AM

I'm pretty sure I've sweated heavy cream after going to Cold Stone.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at July 21, 2011 11:34 AM

My mother-in-law took us to Applebees for dinner one night. There was nothing, and I mean nothing vegetarian on the menu. Not even a side dish. I ended up ordering the spinach and artichoke pizza (although I usually don't eat cheese because it doesn't like back) and it was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. It was actually spinach and artichoke DIP smeared on cardboard. I sent it back and ate nothing.

And I can't believe that shake is a full days worth of calories. No wait. I can believe it.

When I was little, going out to McDonalds was a super special treat that happened maybe once or twice a year, not every meal of the day.

Posted by: BWeaves at July 21, 2011 11:34 AM

OMG I must now plan a pilgrimage to the Cheesecake Factory. Who's with me?

Posted by: ahamos at July 21, 2011 11:36 AM

Is it wrong that I'm partially curious about what these monsters look like? What in the bloody hell are "King Fries?" And is a "Fried Cheese Melt" just a disgusting name for a grilled cheese sandwich? Don't take away my grilled cheese!

Posted by: beet salad at July 21, 2011 11:38 AM

Cold Stone Creamery: PB&C Shake : 2,010 calories and 68g of saturated fat.

There's entirely too little sodium here, and I'm still searching for my lost shaker of salt.


Death by red velvet cheesecake doesn't seem like such a bad way to go.

That really narrows down the options, effectuvely making it Death or Death instead of Cake or Death.

Posted by: branded at July 21, 2011 11:41 AM

No photos? Really?

Posted by: Jay at July 21, 2011 11:45 AM

That fried cheese melt is like a grilled cheese sandwich made of fried mozzarella sticks. I think.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at July 21, 2011 11:45 AM

Posted by: Fredo at July 21, 2011 11:51 AM

Oh god, are you serious?

I'm GOING.

Posted by: AmbroseKalifornia at July 21, 2011 11:51 AM

No wonder everyone is such a fat ass. You think the pharmaceutical companies and lap band doctor's are in on this?

Morbidly Obese, whatever! Morbidly Stupid is more like it.

Posted by: MRod at July 21, 2011 11:54 AM

I'll never understand this country's obsession with giant portions of food. Mr. PaddyDog religiously watches Man vs Food and loves it but it makes me want to throw up just watching what he's putting in his body. Interesting that in the new series, he no longer does the eating.

Posted by: PaddyDog at July 21, 2011 11:56 AM

THAT'S American. He's too lazy to EAT.

#fuckyeah

Posted by: AmbroseKalifornia at July 21, 2011 12:04 PM

I went to Applebees once-it was vomitous. The idea of cheese stuffed meatballs makes my heart palpitate. Growing up in Bucks County it was difficult to find many decent restaurants that weren't chains. I live/work in Philly now so going to a chain restaurant would be a cardinal sin, though I could still put a hurt on some Bertucci's pizza if you let me.

Posted by: Julie at July 21, 2011 12:19 PM

@beet salad-I think the fried cheese melt is a grilled cheese with mozzarella sticks. HORF.

Posted by: Julie at July 21, 2011 12:20 PM

Fredo, I see your Epic Meal Time and raise you the (NSFW) Internets Celebrities' Futuristic Brunch.

Posted by: Robert at July 21, 2011 12:38 PM

Breaded and fried cheese, sandwiched between breaded and grilled cheese?

Sign. Me. UP.

Posted by: Ian at July 21, 2011 12:40 PM

That fried cheese melt is like a grilled cheese sandwich made of fried mozzarella sticks.

There's a sandwich shop in State College, PA, called "Are U Hungry" that is famous for its "Fat" sandwiches, like the "Fat Bitch" and "Fat Bastard." It's stuff like chicken fingers, mozz sticks, burger patties, fries, onion rings - all smushed together on one big sandwich and topped with hot sauce, mayo, etc. They look disgusting and I guarantee they're probably all worth hundreds if not thousands of calories. And yet every weekend, the place is hopping with business thanks to drunk college students.

Don't get me wrong, I love deep fried junk food. But putting it all on one sandwich? Horf. I feel fat just thinking about it.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at July 21, 2011 12:41 PM

I don't understand the point of these lists. Isn't it like the horrendous warning labels on cigarettes? Okay, I actually like those, but, still, in this day and age anyone who chooses to eat those items MUST KNOW what they are doing. Are they leaving their off-the-grid subterranean burrow to go buy these things? Likely not.

On another note, I am overweight, obese even, and all of this (imagine game show vixen gesture) is home cookin'. Americans* aren't just fat because of foods like these, being fat is a result of a lot of things. Compounding simply eating too much iseating these monstrosities, another reason is eating pseudo-food, still another is lack of exercise, yet another is eating for the wrong reasons and the last one I will mention is the one I notice all the time: collective denial. I am about 30 pounds overweight. This puts my BMI on the wrong side of the obese line AND YET, and yet, people tell me I'm not fat, they tell themselves they are not fat, or not that fat, you need some padding, you're just "average". No, I am fat.

*I say Americans because I grew up in Toronto and lived in Vancouver. Canadians there just aren't as big. At 25 pounds overweight, I was often the largest person in the room before I moved to NJ (for my sins). My ESL students used to notice the girth shift when they took day trips to Washington state.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at July 21, 2011 12:42 PM

Yes, most of the time those sound like incredible ideas that fail when it actually hits the table in front of you...

@Julie - I miss Bertucci's, they used to put an olive in the middle of every pizza and their dinner rolls were AMAZING! We used to get an order of the rolls to go when we had leftovers.

Posted by: jmd at July 21, 2011 12:45 PM

Robert, impressive sir. I'd like to know more.

Posted by: Fredo at July 21, 2011 12:56 PM

I am loath to admit this, but not one of these menu items would make a Louisianian bat an eyelash. At one of the famous watering holes near LSU, The Chimes, they serve a ginormous platter of gravy-slathered cheese fries (Yep, french fries with melted cheddar cheese on top, swiming/drowning in a half-cup of hearty beef gravy).

While I presently sneer at an entree of gravy cheese fries---and its healthier cousins listed above---I consumed a platter or two in my freewheeling college days. It's, like, the best hangover cure in the world.

Posted by: Stinky at July 21, 2011 1:18 PM

Melbivdevoe-I went to R U Hungry the last time I was in State College (last fall). Everyone got a fat sandwich but me-each one had something I couldn't fathom. Chicken fingers, french fries, mozzarella sticks, AND lettuce tomato and mayo on a sandwich? Ewwwwww.

Posted by: Julie at July 21, 2011 1:33 PM

Mrs. J, may I say I find you even more attractive now?

Posted by: logan at July 21, 2011 2:05 PM

That is between you and your God, logan.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at July 21, 2011 2:24 PM

My favorite from Are U Hungry was the Fat Mimi 69. Cheesesteak, chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks, onion rings, and BBQ sauce. I may be forgetting something in there, but it was one of their more modest offerings. I know the Fat Blunt was pretty popular too, and I think it used to come with a cigar. I guess they knew the kind of people that would crave those kind of sandwiches.

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at July 21, 2011 2:33 PM

Obligatory mention that fat and sexy are not mutually exclusive.

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at July 21, 2011 2:36 PM

At one of the famous watering holes near LSU, The Chimes, they serve a ginormous platter of gravy-slathered cheese fries (Yep, french fries with melted cheddar cheese on top, swiming/drowning in a half-cup of hearty beef gravy).

Similiarly known as what the Canadians call "poutine".

So Louisianans are related to Canadians? Suddenly the world makes so much more sense to me.

Posted by: branded at July 21, 2011 2:39 PM

Also (please forgive the triple posting), there is this monstrosity.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/io_burn/21378340/

My friend gets that when we go to the Waffle House. Even I think that's too much, and I just admitted to liking an Are U Hungry sandwich.

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at July 21, 2011 2:39 PM

Born and raised a Heathen... so I'll have to kill a chicken or something....

Posted by: logan at July 21, 2011 2:44 PM

Acadian-->Cajun

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at July 21, 2011 2:45 PM

So you've been thrown out of several countries, eh?

Posted by: logan at July 21, 2011 2:54 PM

Mrs. Julien, I admire how candid you are and how you pretty much spelled out my thoughts on obesity. I'm overweight now, but I'm pretty darn proud of it because I went from being obese to overweight. And I'm impressed that you wrote about collective denial because I'm pretty sure that's one of the biggest reasons that delayed my weight loss.

Anytime I stated to friends "I'm fat," they would immediately say "oh no you're not fat!" instead of giving advice or support. I don't blame my friends for anything though. They were just trying to be nice. But eventually I couldn't continue to deny how fat I was even if they could.

Posted by: exploranora at July 21, 2011 3:13 PM

Applebee's has the nastiest food. The cooks are very, very sauce happy. Do you want some sandwich with your mayo? No that's ok, I like when mayo pours out from of all sides of my chicken? sandwich, and the bread is soggy. Yum yum!

Posted by: Dingle Berry at July 21, 2011 3:53 PM

Yes, brandon, Louisianians were actually French Canadians before they got booted out. The French word "acadiens" was shortened (as the pro-lixcious Mrs. Julien pointed out) to "cajun." In fairness, not all Cajun cuisine is a heart-attack on a platter. Some of it is to die for. In a good way.

Posted by: Stinky at July 21, 2011 4:32 PM

i love the dennys fried cheese melt.

Posted by: Utah Dynamo at July 21, 2011 4:52 PM

Noooooooooo, I won't learn interesting, new things! You can't make meeeeeeeeee!

Posted by: branded at July 21, 2011 5:04 PM

Mrs. Julien, here's my take on your thoughts (and I write this as an observer who came to this country as an adult from a place known for meagre portions and who has never had a weight problem thanks to genetics, and who very gratefully can afford to buy high quality food):
1. Applebees, Chilis, Cheesecake Factory and the like are places where a person can get a three-course meal for a very reasonable price. This makes them very attractive to the average wage earner.
2. There's a lot of science behind the food that such places serve. They prepare meats for instance by soaking them and injecting them with substances that help to break down proteins and make them as soft as possible. They add tons of sodium and sugars to everything. The idea behind this is to make their food as easy to eat and digest as possible. When the body doesn't have to work very hard to digest and break down foods, it can eat lots of that food and it doesn't feel hungry very fast so we keep ordering more.
That's the point: to keep us ordering more.
So even though people know they're eating tons of calories, psychologically, it's easy to think "I'm not full yet so it can't be that much". On top of that, our sugar and salt receptors are amped up and we are craving more.
So although we are in denial, these places aren't helping much, and as long as there are no affordable alternatives, people will continue to eat there.

Posted by: PaddyDog at July 21, 2011 5:28 PM

OMG. brandED, I apologize for misspelling your name. There was an etouffee smudge on my glasses.

Posted by: Stinky at July 21, 2011 6:04 PM

What is the point of choking down something as disgusting as provolone-stuffed meatballs? Just take that steak knife, cut open your chest, and jam the meatball right into your carotid. Get the heart attack over with instead of waiting for your heart to seize up at an inconvenient time.

Posted by: stardust at July 21, 2011 6:52 PM

First off: Shout out to my hometown State College, betches! Nibb High football RULES!! Ahem, cough, erm...sorry for the outburst. I don't know what I love more: the fact that R U Hungry was brought up, or the fact that majority of you readers now think my dear old State is a dump hole full of ravenous fatties.

Let it be known that the source of our ravenous appetites is likely fueled by our booze-fueled bar tours and massive tailgates (most of whom are peopled by tourists, because none of us townies are alcoholics, no sir). What other defense do you have against 12 mind-eraser shots, 5 fishbowls/monkeyboys and 10 keg stands in zero degree weather? You're damned right it's a burrito inside of a whole chicken wrapped in a pancake, deep-fried and drizzled with mayo. Oh yeah, and a bunch of fried eggs(how could yoou forget the eggs!?! They're the most appaling part!) I'm not saying it's right, but the fact is that dumbass fucking kids come from all over to experience State Patties Day (you know, the St. Patrick's Day you get for shits and giggles!), to tailgate, bartour or even (gasp) get an "education." I am a firm believer that the more of them we can force-feed lard to, the fewer riots and kids falling out of windows we will have. Because let's face it: once you've consumed a sandwich that foul (after a trough of booze, no less) you're going to remain firmly planted on the floor where you pass out.

Second/afterthought time: I moved to West LA from Center City Philly when I was 19, and unfortunately it didn't take long for me to forget how to eat. I've always been underweight, but working and going to school full time and having no social life afforded me little appetite. When I would eat, it would mostly be apples or plain lettuce salads with edamame beans and salt, or the occasional bagel I could steal from the breakroom at work and eat over the span of a few hours. I bring this up because there was never a moment when I wasn't applauded for my "healthy diet." And people genuinely meant it! Somehow a diet devoid of fat, carbs and nutrients and the wiry frame I began to sport made sense to all those people.

When I moved back to State College two years later and with the wind blowing me up and down College Ave., and the slightest chill sending me into hypothermia, I realized there was no way I could stand the cold in such severe weather. I'm not saying the cold is an excuse to be obese, but when you've spent 6 hours shoveling in the God forsaken snow, you KNOW it's time to treat yourself with a chix fett alf from the Olive Garden (with an extra boat of alfredo and a diet coke because I'm watching my figure).

Posted by: beet salad at July 21, 2011 6:56 PM

Um, Barf.

Posted by: patchfire at July 21, 2011 8:17 PM

Granted, I always thought State Patty's Day was one part funny and one part stupid, I still understand how it came about. The University purposely moved Spring Break so it would coincide with St. Patrick's Day. The students, drunk as they may be, proved themselves smarter than the administration (go figure) and just said "Fuck it. We'll drink on a DIFFERENT day and just say it's a holiday."

Posted by: Socrates_Johnson at July 21, 2011 8:22 PM

When I returned to State College for my first visit (in two years) this past March, I realized my trip would coincide with the artificial "holiday" which at this point is really just an excuse for the students to celebrate St. Patrick's Day twice. If nothing else, it gave me a few drunken brawls and sorostitute hi-jinx as a means of entertainment. I live in Northern CA now, where the economy has been beyond a fucking nightmare for some time now. On one hand I was pleased to see that few stores (if any) in State College had gone out of business, majority of which were thriving, and new development was getting ready to commence in the warmer months. It's just unsettling that the economy is so obviously uplifted by booze and shitty food.

sigh. "Git orff yer soapbox you mangy beet, you! I've had it with y'ins n'yer mouth runnin'!"
Again, sorry Pajiba. But you can't just act like you've heard of my hometown and expect me not to go bonkers.

Posted by: beet salad at July 21, 2011 9:33 PM

Pics or it didn't happen.

Posted by: Ham at July 22, 2011 9:59 AM

*small voice* Saturated fat isn't what causes heart disease. It's pointless to use it as a metric of anything. Take a look instead at the carbohydrate load and the highly oxidized processed seed oils in these foods (don't get me wrong, these foods are indisputably unhealthy, you just think they're unhealthy for the wrong reasons).

Just thought I'd inject a shred of current nutritional science into this discussion. Carry on.

Posted by: heatseeker at July 22, 2011 10:56 AM

You obviously don't know Ron Swanson. Or maybe you're saying all of these meals in one sitting would kill him? You'd still be wrong.

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