25 Spoileriffic Reasons Why I Loved "Star Trek Into Darkness"
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25 Spoileriffic Reasons Why I Loved Star Trek Into Darkness

By Joanna Robinson | Seriously Random Lists | May 21, 2013 | Comments ()


Because Now I Know What Mickey From "Doctor Who" Was Doing With That Alka Seltzer

Because Sometimes I *Do* Want To Rip The Bangs Off His Forehead

Because Even As A Space Fugitive Terrorist, Cumberbatch Managed To Look Positively Sherlockian

Because No One Should Look This Good In Chartreuse

Because Of Something Old

Something New
Screen Shot 2013-05-18 at 6.17.37 AM.png

Something Borrowed

And Something Blue

Because It's A Thin Line Between Enunciating And Chewing

And An Even Thinner Line Between Being A Vulcan And Being Autistic

Because He Put On The Red Shirt And Lived To Tell The Tale

Because Of The 37 Instances Of Flare

Because, At Times, Things Were Kind Of Gay

And At Other Times They Were Super Gay

Because These Were Not The Boobs I Wanted To See

These Were

Because Of That Part Where Spock Skypes Spock

Because Of The Fan Service

And The Fanboys

Because Of This Neutron Cream Story

Because Of That Part When The Ship Turned Into The USS Inception

Because In Space No One Can Hear You Scream...But They Can Hear The Snap, Crackle Pop Of The Warp Stream Trails

Because Set Phasers To Stunning

Because, Well, Hm, Good Point

Because They'll Have A Whole Lot Of Explaining To Do In The Next Movie (You Cured Death, Bones, Really?) And I Can't Wait To Hear What They Have To Say

5 Shows After Dark 5/21/13 | 13 Terrific Trios in Film and Television

Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • Francis Somera

    Thank you, Joanna, for being the voice of reason to the /Filmcast review of STID. Despite the few gratuitous scenes, STID was really a masterful follow-up the first JJ movie cum alternate reality. Your comment on "butterfly effect" was spot-on. I am such a huge fan of the podcast, but it really annoys me how DC and DH tries to bridge the gap between canon and this film. Perhaps one of the most egregious points that DC pointed out about how it makes sense for Kirk (JJ) to violate a prime directive. If he really watched any ST (I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, a "Trekkie") he should have known that Enterprise captains have always made a habit of intervening and going against the Federation's prime directive. Original and TNG clearly shows this. Why? Because Star Trek was really created as a reflection of (or how the creators saw) United States foreign policy. Enterprise has always acted as some sort of "space police" justifying breach of protocol for some "nobler goal." The (Cloverfield) creature(s) in the first ST movie by JJ was a nod to random, and often funny, creature run-ins Kirk always seemed to have in the original ST series. I can go on and on defending STID. It's not a perfect film. But it is a propulsive and incredibly efficient vehicle for establishing the alternate timeline Star Trek history. For many years, Star Trek has always produced episodes as a commentary of society during that time, because it is through that structure that it becomes relevant. Nodding to 9/11 is just reaffirming that ST pattern. DC's comments are unfounded and buffoonish.

  • Chich

    As it turned out Kirk was only "mostly dead"....and there is a big difference between mostly dead and all dead.

  • Strand

    Ahahahha at the Mean Girls

  • Dr. Merkwurdigliebe

    Spoiler warning!! This movie was the ultimate in creative bankcruptcy. Abrams and Co. are the very definition of hollywood hacks. They had creative licence to do anything they wanted, create any story they wanted, and chose to re-hash Wrath of Khan because they coudn't come up with an original idea of their own. The fact so many critics are giving this movie a pass is insulting. Abrams is the biggest hack in Hollywood. Why can't anyone see this? Don't believe me? Watch Spock's death scene in WOK, then compare it to the role-reversal dreck in Into Darkness. Tell me which scene has the most power, the best dialogue and emotional weight. Into Darkness was bullshit and a perfect example of the problem with modern day recycled entertainment.

  • DarthCorleone

    Right on.

  • Enhance your calm, John Spartan.

  • Dr. Merkwurdigliebe

    :). I haven't felt this much rage towards a film since, well the last Star Trek movie. The fact people like it makes it worse. One tin soldier rides awaaaay...

  • Violiav

    :/ Did you, like, totally miss ST:V?

  • Dr. Merkwurdigliebe

    Star Trek V AND Star Trek The Motion Picture are both better films than this hack job, so yeah, I did.

  • Dude, you should remember what the Vulcan Masters told Spock at the beginning of the last film, about anger only leading to hate and hate leading to suffering.

  • Dr. Merkwurdigliebe

    Begone with you! You accursed being of blasphemy!!

  • CosmoNewanda

    I wonder if they've invented a cure for migraines. Because I would never work on the bridge with all of that lens flare flying all over the place. After half a day working the console I would be begging Dr. McCoy for the latest pain medication. After a week my head would explode or I would be blind.

  • John G.

    Cumberbatch is great, but don't you wish they gave him more to do than scowl at people?

  • He got to beat people up and kill Klingons in a badass fashion. That's something.

  • Slash

    Honestly can't remember seeing the original "Wrath of Khan" (nor have I seen this movie). So Cumberbatch is Khan now? So he's not human? Forgive my ignorance. I'm not a giant Trek fan.

  • Three_nineteen

    Khan was always a human. He was a genetically enhanced bad guy who was cryogenically froze himself and his genetically enhanced followers about 20 years ago (in the 1990s) on a ship while escaping Earth. They were found and thawed out by Kirk in the original series. He tried to take over the Enterprise but failed, and Kirk left him and his people stranded on a distant planet.

    He and his people escaped that planet in Wrath of Khan and hunted down Kirk for revenge, but the Enterprise crew gets the better of him. Khan detonates a superweapon (Genesis, if you remember that, basis for the 3rd movie), destroying his ship. The Enterprise can't get away because the its warp drive is broken. Spock goes into the engine room to fix it, even though the room is filled with radiation. Apparently, if you've seen Into Darkness, you know what happens next, with Spock and Kirk reversing roles. (Spock doesn't come back to life until the next movie, though).

  • stardust

    All of this. Also, I find it hilarious that a character named Khan Noonian Singh was played first by a Mexican man and then by a British man. Next movie will see Khan played by an Icelandic woman.

  • Three_nineteen

    Well, the character is an Indian.
    (edited because I am an idiot, please ignore me)

  • Mrs. Julien

    Bjork! Bjork! Bjork!

  • mir

    In her swan dress, please.

  • Anne At Large

    In my head this comes out in The Swedish Chef's voice.

  • Mrs. Julien

    My work here is done.

  • disqus_rCJTTYmkV8

    Bendismere aloo kadiskadoo ...

  • Snath

    The people that get upset over this movie make me glad I'm not that much of an obsessed fanboy over anything. I used to be. It's just not worth it anymore. Things change all the time; it's part of life and it's part of the entertainment industry.

    Things would get awfully stale without new ideas or styles.

  • Dr. Merkwurdigliebe

    This movie had NO new ideas. Let's get that out of the way right now.

  • DarthCorleone

    And yet my primary issue was exactly that the climax was not a new idea.

  • Kyle Hale

    And yet this movie doesn't seem to do anything new with any sort of new kind of style.

    I've never been that big of a fan of Star Trek, but the '09 film was great fun and was something new (in relation to Star Trek). More action, more fun, more charming. I was hoping they wouldn't just start remaking the old story lines but with a twist. But, alas, they did.

  • Ponytail

    I got upset over this movie, and I'm not a fan boy (or girl). I thought the plot had so many tantalising good ideas, and it just got pissed away in the rush to the end. I'm amazed there were 25 things to find - and I'm speaking as someone who took the day off to see this - as I found three : Benedict Cumberbatch's hair looked good, the audience was polite and quiet, and the explosions were loud and spectacular.

  • toblerone

    25 Spoileriffic Reasons Why I Loved Star Trek Into Darkness...

    Why is it "loved" and not LOVE Star Trek Into Darkness?

    Hopefully it won't be another 4 years before the next installment (I wish they could do a series because the film nicely sets up that option).

    My only question is how did Khan go from Hispanic to a Ginger? Changing history via time travel can do a lot but not that.

  • Kyle Hale

    ...Ginger? Did you mean to write "gringo"?

  • toblerone

    No I meant Ginger but Gringo works too...

  • Kyle Hale

    Ah, didn't know Cumberbatch was a natch ginge.

  • Cara

    Since this post was only for folks who've already seen the movie - did anyone else question why they needed Khan's blood, when the rest of his crew was already on-board the Enterprise (and all had the same genetic modifications)? Other than that, loved the movie :)

  • DarthCorleone

    Yeah, I assume un-cryo-freezing someone takes time, and the longer Kirk was "mostly dead" the closer he came to being "completely dead."

  • JoannaRobinson

    To blaaaave

  • Irina

    Cause they didn't know how to safely take the other super-people out of the old-school crio-tubes. I think.
    But if we're speaking of unanswered questions, why did Admiral Marcus give all 72 amazing extra advanced missles to Kirk when he basically sent him to Kronos to get blown up by Klingons and start a war? Kirk needed just one, to fire on Khan, why give him all of them when they're supposed to be the next generation of weapons?

  • Noo

    Except that they HAD just taken one out of the cryotube in that scene and kept him in an induced coma so they could turn Kirk into a human popsicle.

    Whoops, another plot hole the size of the USS Vengence to match the transporters being able to do one thing one minute and not the next, or the warp core now apparently powering the whole ship when really it is only there to power the warp engine (remember the last movie when they jettisonned it?)

  • Yup, I thought they'd just get it out of the Tribble. I think it just made the last 10 minutes or so pretty unnecessary.

  • Jerce

    You know, the more I read about this movie the more chunk-pukingly awful it sounds. I'm so glad I didn't waste any money on it.

  • Dr. Merkwurdigliebe

    It played like it was written by a studio-commissioned Star Trek focus group. Like a bad greatest hits album of cover songs that only reminds one of how the original versions were done so much better. The sad thing about it is that the cast is good, but the second it's revealed that the villain is Khan is when it goes off the rails. I've made it my personal mission this summer to alert people to the crimes this movie has committed.

  • I can't even deal with Chris Pine's eyes. They're too much.



    (I kid. But you made Baby Jesus cry.)

  • koko temur

    Yes! This! (baby) jesus, i discovered how hot he is VIA PAJIBA literally few days ago, and now a list without him?! What kind of mindfuck is that?

  • Because sometimes the world is cruel.

  • Noo

    I AGREE. Everything is better with Moar McCoy and seriously you want the gay? Bring on the Kirk and McCoy in these films. I mean the only time Kirk loses control of his body is when he hears McCoy's voice and McCoy cures death for his best friend.

    Scotty and I are going to have WORDS about why he didn't call down Kirk's best friend and the CMO.

  • JoannaRobinson

    Eh, mostly I feel like I Cho-ked.

  • HA! OK, fair point. He is awesome. Maybe then we could do something like:

    26) Every time I thought about how John Cho is FORTY YEARS OLD my brain exploded all over again.

  • NO.

  • mb





  • I knooooooooooow.

  • mb

    I am so freaking jealous. I looked older than he does now when I was in MIDDLE SCHOOL.

  • Sherry

    Is it wrong to want to be the filling between a Karl Urban and Chris Pine sandwich? Because I'm okay with being wrong.

  • mir

    I don't think that could ever be wrong.

  • Tinkerville

    Those eyes. My god. So blue.

  • Honeybee

    Some friends who saw the movie were wondering if the colour of his eyes had been digitally enhanced. Or contact lenses? If not... wow.

  • Sherry

    Yes, all the this. So, so pretty. My Precious...

  • DB Ruberto

    You win the internetz today for this....

  • koko temur

    i know im alone in this, and its ok, but im just pleased to hear a belivable russian accent. however cartoonish. You have no idea how painful is to hear the russian villians in movies if you actually speak russian.

  • Three_nineteen

    Russia is a big place. Is there just one Russian accent? (I believe you when you say that movie accents don't sound right.)

  • koko temur

    No, the accents differ wildly, but you dont hear them as much when speaking other language. If a californian american and texas american would speak say, german, it will be much closer in sound both to a non-german speaker and to a german (who will suffer from the experiment greatly). If that makes any sense.

    But all this is rather irrelevant since the guys who played russian gansters in movies are all sorts of slavic looking people - finns, latvian, hungarian, some german. THOSE are really diffrent. Which i guess makes sense since iron curtain and stuff. Not enough russian sexpots for all bond girls. and after awhile it was just too unusual for american audience when real accent was used - it sounded fake! So even now, 20 years after the original scary tattoed men and busty women became readily avalible in the west, the russian actors continue with the un-russian accent. Weirdness.

  • BWeaves

    I have a couple Russian co-irkers, and I am amazed how much different their accents are from what you normally hear in movies.

  • Snath

    I had a Russian coworker too, and I didn't know she was Russian for a long time, because I couldn't place the accent. Kind of blew me away when I found out. Gooooooo movie stereotyping!

  • koko temur

    its not even stereotyping. Its that they rarely use russians to play russians in movies.

  • Uriah_Creep

    True, but because the actors are not Russian, they all adopt a stereotypical "russian" accent. It drives me bonkers as well.

  • koko temur

    Yeah, and now even the russian actors use the same fake accent, because if they use the real one, it sounds fake to american audiences.

    Are you russian, mr. creep? Do you like chekhov in those movies? I was laughing loudly at distnictively un-funny lines at the movie. Delightful pronounciation. Emberassing for my people, but so delightful.

  • Uriah_Creep

    No, I'm originally French (from Canada), although I speak English almost exclusively now. I just thought Chekhov's accent was just too funny in the Star Trek series when Walter Koenig played him:

    "Enemy wessel in the woid, Captain!"

  • koko temur

    oh, i just assumed beause of your name, sorry. Uriah were MASSIVE in ussr. Like bigger then in their native country. Its like Hasselhof thing in germany. Mystery.

  • TheOriginalMRod

    So... is Cumberbatch the new Alan Rickman ???? Or better yet, let's just have both... together... at the same time...

  • Mrs. Julien

    Cumberbatch has a well-known Rickman impersonation. Look up Cumberbatch as Rickman singing "Candle in the Wind".

  • TheOriginalMRod

    Sweet fancy Moses!

  • linnyloo

    Oh, sweet godtopus, thank you for bringing this to my awareness.

  • annie

    I think El Cumberbatch does that with his mouth when he acts because he has a fairly pronounced lisp (and is a horrible mumbler) when he doesn't keep a lock on that. Or he's advertising.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I am OUTRAGED by this post. I love chartreuse. Chartreuse is beautiful and misunderstood. Those shirts are not chartreuse. How DARE YOU impugn the glory that is chartreuse by characterizing that HIDEOUS gold so called space age colour-vomit as "chartreuse"? You will be hearing from my attorney.

    Good day to you, Joanna.

    I said "Good day"!

  • wombat

    I am Ms. Joanna's attorney. It is not our intent to litigate this case in the social media. Nevertheless, we wish to put on legal notice notice to any and all parties that have maliciously defamed Chartreuse, that we will be asking the court in the appropriate Federation venue for an injunction and punitive damages against you. Chartreuse has had an impeccable reputation since the year of our lord 1740 and these attacks on its character will not be tolerated.

  • Mrs. Julien

    The cheque is in the mail.

  • wombat

    My Dearest Client Mrs. Julien:

    As you know we consider our work a public service to go where no Law Firm has gone before, to explore new methods of representing our clients but unfortunately not without suitably sized retainers from you our client of which we are now in receipt of. Thank you. Your account is now almost fully paid up.

    As to the matter of the name transposal between your nom de plume and the miscreant Ms. Joanna. I personally take 110% responsibility for any professional errors in this firm's work product. As President Harry Truman said, "The bucks stops here".

    Nevertheless, I must inform you that I entrusted the final draft of this memorandum to my assistant, Miss. Amber. All I can say at this at this point, without revealing any personal information protected by HIPAA, is that her substance abuse problems and off color remarks did not allow her continued employment at this firm.

  • Jakesalterego

    Because it reminded me of just how good Wrath of Khan is.

  • Bananaranma

    Because when Cumberbatch revealed his true name, it was the best audience reaction I've heard in a theater since Eisenberg dropped his 'Do I have your attention' response in Social Network.

  • Kyle Hale

    My audience was mostly silent. Probably because none of them had ever heard of Khan, nor was he relevant to the Enterprise crew, thereby making his reveal totally fall flat on its face.

  • Mine was silent, too. I may have made the only audible reaction. But, our theatre was less than 1/4 full...

  • DarthCorleone

    Fan "service"? That was "service"? Jeez...I'd hate to see Abrams consciously try to urinate on the Trek legacy.

  • DarthCorleone

    But let me just add that even though I used this thread to whine about this movie, I did enjoy the gallery and presentation, Joanna. :- )

  • JoannaRobinson

    I never doubted it. :)

  • Deidra

    Which of the previous ten apparently not-legacy-piss-soaked movies was your favorite? The Search for Spock? Undiscovered Country? Mine is definitely Generations because of how well it did not urinate on the supposed "Trek legacy" that gave way to Abrams doing such a worse job by comparison.

  • DarthCorleone

    Easy answer. My favorite is the specific one that this movie decided to crap on in its climax. There's "borrowing," and then there's outright uninspired, unearned laziness.

    And I missed the part where I said that those ten movies are perfect. Can you point that part out in my post? I'm not talking about whether this movie is "bad" or "good" in and of itself. The action is fun, the actors are good, the effects are great...it just shouldn't have the name Star Trek on it. Yes, for all their flaws, I would take any one of those ten movies over either of Abrams' efforts in terms of "belonging" to the canon. Show some guts and give us something new instead of just riffing on what's already been done. I don't even mind bringing back Khan, but that climax made me angry. I've never been angry at a movie before. Sorry - just my opinion.

  • Dr. Merkwurdigliebe

    I share your opinion.

  • Deidra

    You don't have to apologize for your opinion. I understand that not everyone liked this version, and that you're not claiming all the movies to be perfect. I just take issue with people claiming this latest movie violates some grand legacy or canon of a movie franchise that has done plenty of hackneyed self-wetting by way of Spock mindmelding with whales, tricorder puppetry, Uhura's after hours music video, an HMS Pinafore singalong, etc. Nostalgia is a powerful thing.

  • Dr. Merkwurdigliebe

    It's not the "legacy" it's the lack of originality in the script. Say what you will about Spock mind-melding with whales, at least it was original. Abrams is a hack.

  • Lee

    Apparently Abrams IS a fan of Star Wars. Here's hoping Lindelof isn't writing that one.

  • Dr. Merkwurdigliebe

    I actually think Abrams is perfect for Star Wars because Star Wars requires nothing more than a hired hand and someone who has more skill than Lucas directing actors. The best thing I can say about Abrams Star Dreck is that the acting was good. Everything else made no sense and was just put in there because it "looks cool." The perfect Star Wars sensibility.

  • Dr. Merkwurdigliebe

    I hate it when Abrams constantly reminds people he hates Star Trek. Fuck him.

  • DarthCorleone

    I don't believe my issues are nostalgia-clouded, and they're not because of some particularly hokey or cheesy thing that this movie pulled. My issue is with the pure and simple laziness exhibited in Into Darkness.

    You shouldn't take arguably the greatest, most powerfully iconic scene in Trek lore, re-stage it as the climax of your movie, and expect to get points for your cleverness. Even if I were to let that go, I'm not going to be as invested in the Pine-Quinto relationship as I am in the Shatner-Nimoy relationship. They're barely out of Starfleet with the five-year mission yet to come. In contrast with the seventy-plus times that I had seen Shatner and Nimoy develop the roles, I've seen these guys play the characters once before. And if you're expecting to trade on the good will of my past investment in what Shatner and Nimoy did with the roles, then what drama have you given me that Wrath Of Khan didn't already do a thousand times better? Oh, right, you turned the death of a main character into something marred by a distracting, self-referential, (intentionally?) comedic roar of "Khhhhaaaannnnn!" I guess that was sort of new, but it doesn't change the fact that you've reduced what should be an emotionally powerful moment into nothing more than meta-wankery.

    Certainly if I had never seen Wrath Of Khan, I would feel differently about the moment, but I do not think my issue has anything to do with nostalgia.

  • Lee

    Batman reboots will always focus on The Joker and Superman reboots will always focus on Lex. Why did I expect more from Star Trek.

  • Dr. Merkwurdigliebe

    Khan appeared in 1episode and a movie. Star Trek is about exploring NEW worlds and civilizations in an endless universe. Bringing Khan back in this new movie reduces the universe to the size of Cleveland. What a lack of imagination to do so.

  • BWeaves

    1. Isn't anyone else bothered that Chekov does NOT look like Davy Jones or Walter Koenig?

    2. Cumberbatch is even too white by Caucasian standards of skin color.

    3. Why are the boobies in a Victoria's Secret bra? In space, there is no gravity, hence no need for bras.

    4. Aren't Khan and Singh kind of mutually exclusive names?

    5. Anyone else miss the velour shirt fabric? I don't see that that polyester stuff is any improvement.

  • maureenc

    There's artificial gravity on the ship; you don't see anything else floating.

    Also, my fellow Pajibettes: Does Alice Eve's bra look ill-fitting to you too?

  • The entire look is terribly styled on the part of the wardrobe people, but the scene itself was also terribly unnecessary to the story, so...

  • It might not have been essential to the plot, but that doesn't mean it wasn't necessary.

  • Joe Grunenwald

    After hours of careful study in my bunk, I have determined that, yes, that bra doesn't fit right. It needs to go.

  • stardust

    It is totally squishing her boobs. Someone help the costume department find the local Intimacy store.

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