12 Truly Crappy Follow-Ups To An Oscar Win
Natalie Portman--Black Swan/No Strings Attached: I'm one of the few vocal anti-Portman people out there. I find her unrepentantly wooden. However I appreciate how much work she obviously put into Black Swan and she deserved better than a Kutcher sex romp.
Philip Seymour Hoffman--Capote/Mission Impossible III: Oh, sure, you'll say PSH was the best part of MI:III. No doubt, no doubt. But it's still the third installment in a franchise that should have quit while it was ahead. So, you know, after the first one.
Jennifer Hudson--Dreamgirls/Sex and The City: This is one of those "did she really deserve the award?" situations. Hudson sang the ever-loving sh*t out of "And I Am Telling You." Every note was dripping with emotion, but there's little evidence to suggest Hudson can invest that level of emotion in non-singing performances. So, you know, second fiddle to Carrie Bradshaw seems about right for her.
Nicolas Cage--Leaving Las Vegas/The Rock: Okay, okay, hold up, before you get too excited, I love The Rock. I really do. But Cage's career has been famously, um, rocky, and the juxtaposition of his heart-rending performance as a desperate alcoholic and, well, that time he chased a bunch of aloe vera bath beads around Alcatraz was too irresistible.
Jamie Foxx--Ray/Stealth: Foxx's win for Ray was a complete game changer for him. My guess is that stupid flyboy movie was already a done deal.
Anthony Hopkins--Silence Of The Lambs/Freejack: Okay, full disclosure, I have never see Freejack. But it stars Mick Jagger, Emilio Estevez, Sir Anthony Hopkins and an enormous jack in a "futuristic 2009, where 'bonejacker' mercenaries travel through time to snatch people from the split second before their death in order to use them as substitute bodies." So, yeah, I feel completely comfortable in labeling it crappy, sight unseen.
Morgan Freeman--Million Dollar Baby/Unleashed: Do you remember that movie Unleashed? It was a Jet Li vehicle about a man who was raised as a dog. Yeah, not even Freeman's gravitas could save it.
Helen Mirren--The Queen/National Treasure: Book Of Secrets: Hey, listen, I love Action Mirren. Red was total fun. But National Treasure? You're better than that, Mirren. You should never be the Academy Award-winning meat in a Cage/Kruger sandwich.
Christoph Waltz--Inglorious Basterds/The Green Hornet: Waltz is physically incapable of being crappy in anything. I say this having suffered through that shlockfest Water For Elephants. It's like even elephantine sh*t cannot touch him. That being said, no one got anywhere playing a villain in a comic book movie. Except, well except for Heath Ledger I guess. Nevermind, Waltz, carry on.
Halle Berry--Monster's Ball/Die Another Day: She's the only Academy Award winning Bond girl. Yes?
Jeff Bridges--Crazy Heart/TRON: Legacy: It's bad enough that Bridges did that weird Buddhist thing with Flynn, but the extremely uncomfortable death mask CGI Clu? I may never recover.
Julia Roberts--Erin Brockovich/The Mexican : Lady, you know it, I know it, Brad Pitt and James Gandolfini know it. You did not deserve that award. Not one bit. For shame, madam. For shame.