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Ted Cruz Is So Bad At This

By Dustin Rowles | Politics | August 29, 2018 |

By Dustin Rowles | Politics | August 29, 2018 |


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According to the latest polls, Beto O’Rourke has pulled within one point of Ted Cruz in the Senate race in Texas, which is a big f—king deal because — I don’t know if the geography majors in the house know this, but — Texas is in the South where, if I’m not mistaken, a Democrat hasn’t won a statewide office since 1994, and where a Democratic candidate for President hasn’t won since Jimmy Carter in 1976.

Beto O’Rourke seems to be winning with grassroots support, by refusing to take PAC money, by visiting every county in the state, and by energizing young people, black people, and Hispanics. And how does Ted Cruz — skeevy, hypocritical, so nakedly ambitious he’d throw his wife under the bus for an extra vote Ted Cruz — combat the growing enthusiasm Beto O’Rourke is getting from the youngsters?

By reminding people that Beto O’Rourke was once in a band.

How many of you want to move to Texas just so you can vote for O’Rourke now?

Cruz is trying to criticize O’Rourke for not attending a debate this Friday, although as I understand it, O’Rourke wants to debate, but Cruz refuses to collaborate with him on a debate schedule. Instead of holding these debates on nights when people are most likely to see them, Cruz is dictating the terms, and Cruz wants a Friday debate when the fewest people are likely to see them, and he’s trying dick over O’Rourke for not agreeing to his terms.

At any rate, there will be debates at some point, but in the meantime, Cruz also wants to remind you that O’Rourke was arrested for DWI 20 years ago (which O’Rourke has acknowledged on many occasions and apologized for). This is his mugshot:

I don’t mean to stir up old ghosts, but does Cruz think this helps? In a state that elected George W. Bush — a recovering alcoholic — as its Governor and later President? Nevermind the fact that Cruz is hitching his wagon to a man in Trump who has had numerous sexual assault allegations leveled against him and whose corruptions scandals dominate newspaper headlines every day. Does Cruz want to remind Texas voters that O’Rourke used to drink Bud and get rowdy?

Of course, O’Rourke could fight back and remind everyone of the porn found on Ted Cruz’s computer a while back, but 1) O’Rourke is running a positive campaign, and 2) it would backfire because, so far as I know, the computer porn is the only evidence I know of that suggest that Ted Cruz is an actual human.



Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.



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