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What Do Mario Kart and Trump's Penis Have in Common? (I Am So So Sorry)

By Dustin Rowles | Politics | September 18, 2018 |

By Dustin Rowles | Politics | September 18, 2018 |


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Yesterday, we kind of ignored the scuffle that broke out at a Pre-Emmys party on Sunday night between Tom Arnold and Survivor and The Apprentice creator Mark Burnett, because frankly, it was a story about two a—holes being a—holes to each other (and no police report was ultimately filed). However, one detail that surfaced out of that altercation is that Tom Arnold can purportedly be heard effusively telling a group of people that he had the Donald Trump N-word tape from The Apprentice and that he had handed it over to Ronan Farrow.

Is it true? Maybe. But if Arnold is making a TV show all about locating the N-word tape, why would he hand it over? And if he had it, why did he get into a thing with Mark Burnett (unless Mark Burnett got into a thing with Tom Arnold for handing the tape over to Farrow?) It is worth noting, however, that Farrow just did retweet this, originally tweeted in July.

— In other news, there will now be a Senate hearing on Monday in which both Brett Kavanaugh and Christine Blasey Ford will be questioned about the sexual assault of Ford by Kavanaugh, which Kavanaugh continues to deny. Yesterday, according to Axios, Kavanaugh huddled nine hours behind closed doors, meeting with Senators and White House officials.

It’s impossible to say what will come of the hearing, though I suspect that between now and then, a lot of Kavanaugh’s ex-girlfriends will be getting phone calls. The GOP is praying that nothing else emerges, while the testimony of Ford during that hearing will likely be instrumental in how Jeff Flake, Susan Collins, and Lisa Murkowski vote. It’s kind of futile to speculate until we see that testimony. Next Monday is going to be a sh-tshow.

— Interestingly, the deal that Paul Manafort struck with Bob Mueller last week contains provisions that would discourage him from seeking a pardon from Donald Trump, namely the fact that a pardon would not prevent prosecutors from seizing his property and millions of dollars, or coming back and charging him with crimes that are not part of the plea agreement. What does this mean? I have no idea, but I’m guessing that it means that Manafort fully intends to play ball.

— Bizarrely, it’s not getting that much play in the wake of the Kavanaugh hearings, but yesterday, Trump levied another $200 billion in tariffs against China. This wave of tariffs could actually hurt American consumers, according to the NYTimes, as they are being applied to everyday goods, like electronics, food, tools and housewares. However, it’s only a ten percent tariff, which is expected to be increased to a 25 percent tariff after the holidays.

Trump is playing a game of chicken, but he might have the upper hand here, with America’s economy booming while China’s economy is slowing, in part because of those tariffs. However, they are expected to retaliate nevertheless. I think this may all come down to pride.

— Finally, Stormy Daniels is coming out with a tell-all book, and The Guardian has snagged a copy. I apologize in advance for this, but in the book, she describes the President’s small penis.

Trump’s bodyguard invites Daniels to dinner, which turns out to be an invitation to Trump’s penthouse, she writes, in a description of alleged events that Daniels has disclosed previously but which in the book are rendered with new and lurid detail. She describes Trump’s penis as “smaller than average” but “not freakishly small.”

“He knows he has an unusual penis,” Daniels writes. “It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool…

“I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart…

“It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion.”

I am so, so sorry.

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Dustin is the founder and co-owner of Pajiba. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.



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