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Want To Watch HBO's "Game Of Thrones" But Haven't Read The Books? Don't Worry, We Can Help. A Guide To Recognizing Your Bearded White Dudes.

By Joanna Robinson | Posted Under Miscellaneous | Comments (31)

game-of-thrones-sean-bean.jpeg

Have I read George R.R. Martin’s epic series “A Song of Ice and Fire?” I have not. Will that stop me from watching the premiere of “A Game of Thrones” this weekend? It will not. I have already scammed an invite to an HBO-subscriber’s house. I suggest you do the same, post-haste. Cookies work well. Or booze. Anyway, I’m a huge advocate of books and reading. Always. But at this point, my friends, there is simply no time. So, in order to keep track of the endless march of bearded white dudes (and flaxen-haired ladies) and the confusing use of the letter “y,” I will be employing a trick I learned when watching “Band of Brothers.” Nicknames. Here are a few I’ve scratched together using some borrowed insider book knowledge and my schizophrenic IMDBrain. I hope it helps.

Lord Eddard “Ned” Stark (Sean Bean): a.k.a. “Boromir” a.k.a. “006” a.k.a. “Sharpe” a.k.a. “The Yorkshire Pudding” a.k.a. “Odysseus” (I sat through all of Troy muttering “This will ALL be worth it if they make The Odyssey with Sean Bean.” WHERE IS THAT MOVIE?!?)
Ned Stark.jpg

Jamie Lannister (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau): a.k.a. “Heroic Bill Pullman” a.k.a. “Lonestar”
Tyrion Lannister (Peter Dinklage): a.k.a. “The Station Agent” a.k.a. “That Guy Who Got Paid Twice For Death At A Funeral” a.k.a. “Contrary To Popular Belief NOT The ‘Midget’ From In Bruges, You Heightist” a.k.a. “The American Warwick Davis, You Heightist”
lannister.jpg

Queen Cersei Lannister (Lena Headey): a.k.a. “Blonde Sarah Connor” a.k.a. “Blonde Queen from 300” a.k.a. “Queen Bitchface” (I have this on good authority)
Lady Catelyn Stark (Michelle Fairley): a.k.a. “Joan Allen” (I mean, RIGHT?!?)
ladies.jpg

King Robert Baratheon (Mark Addy): a.k.a. “Greybeard” a.k.a. “Roland” a.k.a. “My Favorite Part Of The Full Monty” a.k.a. “That Guy With The Crown”
King robert.jpg

Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish (Aiden Gillen): I mean, “Littlefinger” is fairly sufficient, no? For “The Wire” enthusiasts, you can use “Carcetti,” for the Shanghai Knight enthusiasts, you can question your taste.
petyr baelish.jpg

Robb Stark (Richard Madden): a.k.a. “Ol’ Blue Eyes”
Jon Snow (Kit Harington): a.k.a. “Jon the Bastard” (Because he is one and it’s nice and Shakespearean) a.k.a. “Baby Mark Ruffalo”
robb:JOn.jpg

Viserys Tagaryen (Harry Lloyd): a.k.a. “Legolas”
Daenerys Tagaryen (Emilia Clarke): a.k.a. “Legolass” a.k.a. “Horse Girl” (nothing to do with her fetching face)
targaryen.jpg

Khal Drogo (Jason Momoa): a.k.a. “Guyliner” a.k.a. “Badass”
Arya Stark (Maisie Williams): a.k.a. “Baby Badass” (no relation)
badass.jpg

Sandor “The Hound” Clegane (Rory McCann): a.k.a. “Meltyface”
sandor clegane.jpg

Joanna Robinson wants the George R.R. Martin enthusiasts to know that the first one among you to point out which integral character she left off this list will get a storm of swords up your *ss. Hugs and kisses!









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Comments

HBO is promoting "free weekend" for this weekend so that people can watch the premiere of Game of Thrones.

HBO is the pusher, GoT is the drug, and non-HBO subscribers will end up being the junkies with the DTs.

Posted by: Fredo at April 14, 2011 4:26 PM

I'm a bit shocked how old Catelyn Stark looks. Jon Stark is also not how I imagined him to be.

Ned, Littlefinger, Robert, and Daenerys are all spot on. Can't wait for Sunday!

Valar Morghulis

Posted by: Scully at April 14, 2011 4:27 PM

I'm a bit shocked how old Catelyn Stark looks. Jon Stark is also not how I imagined him to be.

That's because just about every character has been made older. Ned and Robert are supposed to be 34-35 (Sean Bean and Mark Addy are not). The kids are meant to be anywhere from 7-13 and here they're teenagers.

So everyone got a bump in age.

Posted by: Fredo at April 14, 2011 4:32 PM

I know it's a while ago now, but our Aiden Gillen also played Stuart Alan Jones in the UK version of Queer as Folk, which was fuckin' amazing.

That said, I would not have recognized him from that photo. Holy shit.

Posted by: Melodie at April 14, 2011 4:37 PM

Yeah, I'm going to have to lower the tone of this thread real quick to say, haha! Meltyface.

Posted by: noodlestein at April 14, 2011 4:43 PM

Oh Fredo THANK YOU for telling me this! Thank you thank you thank you!

Posted by: JenVegas at April 14, 2011 4:46 PM

Aaaaahhhhh.....Richard Sharpe

When Mr.Kirbyjay asked what was in the wooden chest ( Complete set of Sharpe DVD's) I told him it was my "box of porn"

Posted by: kirbyjay at April 14, 2011 4:47 PM

Valar Morghulis

Valar Dohaeris.

Posted by: (Not so) Blonde Savant at April 14, 2011 4:50 PM

Posted by: Fredo at April 14, 2011 4:32 PM

I've always pictured Catelyn and Cersei close in age. I expected both of the actors to be balanced as well. Cersei looks much, much younger than Catelyn in the above photo. The difference is jarring.

Posted by: Scully at April 14, 2011 4:50 PM

@Melodie - Thank you! Sometimes I think I am the only person on earth who has had the incredible pleasure of seeing Aidan Gillen and Charlie Hunnam get it on. Stuart Alan Jones is one of my favorite characters ever!

Posted by: SCG at April 14, 2011 4:52 PM

Khal Drogo (Jason Momoa): a.k.a. 'Guyliner' a.k.a. 'Badass'
a.k.a. Lenny Kravitz 2.0...

Posted by: Jerry at April 14, 2011 5:00 PM

Sean Bean is 52. That's a hell of a leap from 35. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. Few men can wield a sword like Mr. Bean.

Take that as a metaphor if you wish. I will reveal nothing more from my past.

Posted by: PaddyDog at April 14, 2011 5:05 PM

Think the free preview weekend is only for Dish Network subscribers, we're unfortunately Time Warner. What a rip.

Posted by: kidtiger at April 14, 2011 5:11 PM

I disagree that it's too late to start reading. Start right now, get through page 100 or so in the next three days, and I guarantee you'll have covered everything that happens in the pilot. Read another 75 pages per week or so, and you should stay ahead of the television show.

Joanna >> Of the most critical characters in the first book, you're missing Sansa and Bran. Proceed with *ss-storm-swording.

(Oh it's comin', Darth, just like winter. It's a winter storm of swords. Batten down your *sses.--JR)

Posted by: DarthCorleone at April 14, 2011 5:22 PM

That's Sandor Clegane, not Glegane.

I don't care if I'm that guy, fuck you.

(Noted and corrected, thanks ever so much!--JR)

Posted by: Seany D at April 14, 2011 5:28 PM

Nikolaj Coster-Waldau - a.k.a. "New Amsterdam." I'm sure I'm the only person who remembers that show, and all I remember of it was his hot Dutch-via-Norway ass.

Posted by: eva-lon at April 14, 2011 5:40 PM

Hmmm. I don't know the books and I definitely need nicknames. I'm going to go with:

Old Boromir
Scrunchy Wronghair
Big Brow
Powerglare
Young Joan
Beardy Horncrown
Smarmy Moustache
Blue Eyes
Pillow Lips
Elfie
Waifie
Guyliner
Moppet
and Beef

Posted by: Lauren at April 14, 2011 6:04 PM

my previous HBO source has gone straight. where am i supposed to get my fix now?!. i may have to brave the murky world of torrents to watch this, cause i am NOT waiting until the fucking dvds come out.

Posted by: space oddity at April 14, 2011 6:16 PM

I've always thought that the ages are kinda fucked up in the series. That a year in Fire-and-Ice is longer than a year in reality. They talk about kids being very mature at six and seven years old (thinking of Bran, obviously) and "not babies" at four. Danaerys is supposed to be what, 13? And while that may be appropriate for marriage in a fantasy-world-based-somewhat-on-medieval-like-culture, all the things she does BESIDES getting married are not girlish in the least. Especially not for a girl who had been downtrodden for her entire childhood.

Cersei is always described as being a beauty, and Catelyn is described as being beautiful in her youth. So I'm not surprised that one is cast as older.

Posted by: Wednesday at April 14, 2011 7:44 PM

Oh, and technically Jason Momoa cannot be said to be a bearded white dude, because he's Samoan/Polynesian and making beautiful mixed-race babies with Lisa Liliquoi Moon Bonet.

Posted by: Jerry at April 14, 2011 8:49 PM

Joanna, it becomes obvious when you start checking out at the end of an article. At least throw in a mention that Jason Momoa's golden goodness is the pinnacle of this year's Conan the Barbarian. I will probably throw down my money shamelessly for that movie. -_-;

*gibbers excitedly for this weekend*

Posted by: duckandcover at April 14, 2011 9:30 PM

Thank ye DarthCorleone! You're taking the cuta** I would have gotten! I always knew you were secretly a sweet soul!

Posted by: Four Eyes at April 14, 2011 9:38 PM

I too sat through Troy in the theaters thinking goddamn Sean Bean as Odysseus! The world is rainbows and unicorns... wait there's no greek gods in the movie of the Iliad... umm well maybe they could show up in the Odyssey. Alas... I'll just have to live with that NBC mini series with Armand Assante.

Yeah I too will have to go the "dirty" route and torrent these along with new Doctor Who since I get neither HBO or BBC America

Posted by: protoformX at April 14, 2011 9:57 PM

I'm somewhat annoyed with Meltyface, myself, because I always saw him in my head as being nonbearded--as the side of his face that was burned wouldn't be able to grow a beard, and he can't grow his beard out and comb it over like he can his hair. But that's makeup, not casting.

Posted by: Shadowen at April 15, 2011 2:04 AM

Oh yeah, eva-lon, well I remember him from New Amsterdam AND Virtuality.

Shouldn't Jon Snow look more like Ned and less like Robb?

It kind of annoys me when characters with platinum hair have dark eyebrows. I realize no one wants to lighten their brows to match a wig, but still...

Posted by: Uda at April 15, 2011 5:55 AM

Uda I agree with the Rob/Jon thing. Which is a problem I have with the kids in general (now that I've gotten over the whole aging up thing). Sansa, Rob, Bran and Rickon are supposed to look like their Tully side. Jon and Arya are supposed to look like Starks. Which means Jon and Arya should be darker complexioned with dark hair, and the others need to be paler with auburn hair. I hate that I keep mixing up Rob and Jon.

I dig the casting overall though. My biggest hurdle was adjusting to aging everyone, but that was a conscious choice made to everyone, not just "hey let's make the kids older so it doesn't make people uncomfortable - YAY PANDERING!" and all that jazz.

Also, DirecTV is doing the free weekend this weekend as well. I am watching the hell out of that first episode...after that I'll have to get more creative.

Posted by: KatSings at April 15, 2011 9:31 AM

Those of you with Direct TV will also be having a free preview weekend!!!

Posted by: baboocole at April 15, 2011 11:31 AM

I just started the books and love them...agree with all

Posted by: Luke at April 15, 2011 12:36 PM

I'm just sad that Catelyn is not being played by Jennifer Ehle, which I was SUPER excited about.

Guess I'll just have to go watch the Pride & Prejudice mini-series for the 10th (or is it 12th?) time.

Posted by: GwenBear at April 15, 2011 2:13 PM

I have had Game of Thrones (the book) on my nightstand for about 5 months now and have yet to read it. Can't say why. But I will be watching this show.

Posted by: Az at April 15, 2011 5:36 PM

Can't wait, just one more day and we get to see the first episode. HBO is in free preview this weekend, channel 300 with DISH Network. Being an employee and seeing all of the previews every day, I have no doubt this is going to be a great show.

Posted by: Bob Affet at April 16, 2011 8:52 AM