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Vontouring (That's Vagina Contouring) Is A Thing Now

By Emily Chambers | Miscellaneous | July 24, 2015 |


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No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Listen, I’m not usually in the business of telling people what to do with their genitals unless they’re pulling a Cosby or a Duggar (yeah, you little shit, we haven’t forgotten about you.) But vagina contouring sounds a lot like something Dallas Royce would have tried before a date only to have it go horribly wrong. (P.S. I miss you Suburgatory.) It does not at all sound like something that a real, human, non- TV-character should try. But I’ve learned never to underestimate stupidity or vanity.

Mashable covers the new procedure, and I just don’t know what to do with myself. It’s supposed to be “the non-invasive, non-surgical remodeling of the inside of the vagina using radio frequencies.”

With vontouring, a thermal pen-like device stimulates collagen production in the vagina’s opening (“Imagine putting in a tampon,” said cosmetic surgeon Dr. Sharon Giese), which results in a tighter vagina. Lips of the vagina look firmer and plumper.

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OK. There are a couple of issues to discuss here. The first is the actual procedure itself. I’m clearly not into it, but maybe there are women out there for whom an un-firm and un-plump vagina is a real issue. I’m not going to necessarily knock her for wanting to try out the less invasive procedure, but I will remind her of a couple of facts:

1) Halitosis wasn’t considered a dental issue until the 1920s, when Listerine began using the term in its advertising campaign. If you didn’t think your vagina was a problem before you heard about this procedure, then it isn’t a problem.

2) “Side effects are less of a concern compared to actual surgery, but some things a woman might experience are burning due to misapplication or simply not reaching her desired tightness.”

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Burning. Inside of your vagina. You might get burned on the inside of your vagina. Remember when Brooke Shields tried to sell us eyelash medicine and a possible side effect was that it would make you effing blind? That’s got nothing on being burned on the inside of your vagina.

Burnt vagina.

The larger issue to discuss is the article itself. I, by and large, try to keep my criticism of writers to their arguments, and not criticize their writing style. But good lord, Kathleen Wong, what did a vagina do to you that you would speak about them so poorly?

The recently FDA-approved treatment is the latest and purportedly safe way to visually enhance one’s lady lips.

“Lady lips”?

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I don’t know if you have any control over the images that are run with your pieces, Kathleen, but this is absolutely not ok.

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And how exactly were you able to write this sentence into your piece and still feel OK about submitting it?

Or if a woman finds wearing tight jeans uncomfortable, she might want to restructure her vagina, [Dr. Giese] adds.

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(Just get bigger jeans. Any kind of larger, slightly looser fitting pants. Or a skirt. “Surgery” shouldn’t be a top ten answer ever.)

But definitely the most offensive line has to be this gem:

Dr. Giese is “excited” for the procedure to be making its way to the United States, since it’s the least invasive of a lady’s options when it comes to taking control of her vagina — even if it is another drop in the bucket of body image.

Of course the doctor is excited. She’ll make money on the procedure. But why in the hell would you frame the idea of an unnecessary, possibly ineffective treatment as “taking control of her vagina”? Can’t we take control of our vaginas by not allowing them to become yet another body part that we obsess over and hold to impossible standards? Don’t toss in one throwaway line about how this procedure (and really the entire idea that vaginas need to be constantly maintained with waxing and bleaching and deodorizing and aghhhhh the bullshit) might be giving women an unrealistic idea of what their bodies should look like and create an impossible standard to live up to increasing the negativity with which we view our own bodies, and pretend that that covers your bases.

And all of this is about a body part that is expected to be kept covered and unexposed for a significant portion of your life. The article which itself deals explicitly with the extent to which women can now go in order to have a perfect looking vagina runs under this header photo.

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We can’t look at the thing we’re talking about even in cartoon form. Vaginas are horrible enough that you’d better not ever, ever show one, but also make sure that you never, ever let your cooter get all wrinkled and gross because you need to look good everywhere all the time even when no one is looking.

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