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This Is Worse Than When They Offed Beth March: Helen Fielding Murders Mr. Darcy

By Joanna Robinson | Miscellaneous | September 30, 2013 | Comments ()


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Okay, sorry, are your Little Women wounds still a little too fresh? We’ll leave Beth March out of it then, and focus all out hurt feelings on that monster, Helen Fielding. I’ve been hotly anticipated the third installment in the Bridget Jones book series all summer. The book “Bridget Jones: Mad About The Boy” comes out October 15th. But Joanna, you cry, the second one was crap! No it wasn’t, gentle reader, the second film was crap. The book was plenty good. Not positively Vonnegutesque, but good. The problem Fielding had in the second installment was how to follow-up the perfect happy ending of her first novel. How do you complicate ol’ Bridge’s life after she’s had this?

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He bought her a journal! He likes her just as she is! So Fielding conjured up some asinine reason for Bridget to doubt her relationship with Mark Darcy. (It was less asinine than the movie version and did have some very real-feeling roots in deep insecurities and how they can damage even the loveliest of things.)

So how was she going to do it again, folks? What could be troubling poor Bridget now? Shall we explore the very real drama of motherhood? Further mine Bridget’s work life? No, let’s kill off her bloke and start the whole rom-com rigamarole from scratch. Appalling. Unforgivable. One shouldn’t touch a single hair on Mark Darcy’s head. I didn’t even think he needed to reconsider the length of his sideburns. RIP, Mark Darcy. You were one of our top people. Top person, really. You deserved better.

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This isn’t a spoiler, by the way. This is the premise.

(via The Guardian)







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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • Jo 'Mama' Besser

    You know, I've never read the books or seen the films and yet this still bugs me.

  • Berry

    Well, that seems like a monumentally stupid decision. Although, if I wanted to be charitable, I might speculate that maybe she felt trapped by her most popular creation. You know, kinda like Arthur Conan Doyle with Sherlock.

    At which point Doyle is all like "Author, please, you wrote two measly books with the dude before killing him off? Try penning few novels and about eleventy billion short stories more, and then we'll talk."

  • emmalita

    That is exactly how ACD sounded.

  • Berry

    Yep. Arthur could really sass with the best of 'em.

  • KC

    There are no words. :(

  • F'mal DeHyde

    I used to have a HUGE yearning for Hugh Grant but no longer. Without Mr Firth, I doubt I'd watch this if it's ever made into a movie.

  • e jerry powell

    So did Liz Hurley. I'm glad to see that it's not a terminal illness.

  • Fredo

    I guess this is a good place to mention I met Colin Firth's doppelganger at the soccer pub over the weekend. Great guy. Writer. Buys rounds. And has been called Colin Firth enough to be funny about it, specially when people shout "Hey, Colin Firth! Fuck you!"

    Some people are just lucky like that.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    ...where is this bar?

  • Artemis

    Helen Fielding had Colin Firth agreeing that he'd be happy to come back and be in the movie adaptation of her third book and she... said no thank you?

    I can't even be mad at her. She's obviously mentally ill.

  • rio

    or maybe, just maybe, she decided to save him from himself.

  • AvaLehra

    While we're at it, anyone else still PISSED OFF over the stupid, dum-dum last book of the Sookie Stackhouse novels? That shit does not exist.

  • Those books took a turn for the worst after #4, but I read each and everyone one of them. I've been annoyed at that woman for years.

  • emmalita

    I stopped reading those books sometime around the fairy grandfather. So no, that shit does not exist.

  • ZbornakSyndrome

    I suddenly understand Annie Wilkes. I'm afraid for myself and Ms. Fielding.

  • Guest

    I agree with all of this.

  • bastich

    Maybe Fielding could rename the new book "Bridget Jones: Roaring Rampage of Revenge"?

  • Maguita NYC

    Without Mr. Darcy: Roaring?!
    I'm quite sure you meant Yawning.

  • Mrs. Julien

    It, it makes me...feel...grease fire in Helen Fielding's kitchen.

    Or, you know, she could retire the characters and write something completely new. I. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That's crazy talk. Clearly, there's no reason for her to... It's just...I don't know...I'm really tired... but, you know.. if they.. all things being equal... can't they be retired?

  • JoannaRobinson

    To the Tarts and Vicars party in the sky.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Or a full-blown mini eternal-break holiday weekend.

  • Guest

    ...

  • Mrs. Julien

    Damn it! I tried to delete this. I promised myself I would stop inserting photos into posts. I also promised myself I wouldn't cry. I'm O for 2.

  • e jerry powell

    Well, you did delete it. It's just that this doesn't delete it ENOUGH.

  • F'mal DeHyde

    Seriously? I loved that post! I even laughed out loud.

  • emmalita

    Disqus doesn't want you to stop posting pictures. Here, three Molotov cocktails ready to go. One to avenge Mark Darcy, One for Disqus, and one for the target of your choice.

  • Mrs. Julien

    That was a very impressive display of irony.

  • bonnie

    NO. I refuse to accept this. Who else will be wearing a Christmas jumper at the Turkey Curry Buffet? Certainly not that emotional fuckwit Daniel Cleaver.

  • Andrew

    Guess she's been taken writing classes from Joss Whedon.

    "Hey, I have two character's in a happy, romantic relationship. Too bad the only way I know how to create drama is to kill one of them off. Or have them break up. Etc. Because fuck you!"

  • Michelle

    But.. wha... WHY. This is like Jen dying on Dawson's Creek all over again. (Well, okay, not really because that shit was SAD and Michelle Williams killed it, and so did everyone else, surprisingly, except for maybe Van Der Beek but he's always been kinda terrible except when he's poking fun at his terribleness.)

  • ZbornakSyndrome

    I'm with you Jen's death came out of NOWHERE. I was to surprised to be sad, but Williams did do an impressive job with a thankless story.

  • It kind of felt like "Oh, you fuckers are coming back to watch the finale after taking a season or two off? Well we're going to kill one of the best characters."

  • ZbornakSyndrome

    I know! My friends and I gathered together in a dorm room to watch and we were all so blindsided. It totally felt like a fuck you from the writers. Maybe I take trashy tv too personally...

  • AngelenoEwok

    Nope nope nope.

  • I am going to pretend this doesn't exist.

  • baxlala

    THAT'S IT I'M SETTING THE WORLD ON FIRE, EARTH OVER, END SCENE.

  • JoannaRobinson

    I know, I know, just stir it, Una.

  • e jerry powell

    FOOD MILL.

  • Anne At Large

    I think it might need sieving.

  • PerpetualIntern

    This is so many shades of unacceptable.

  • Pants_are_a_must

    Oh, fuck off, Helen Fielding. Anything beyond the first book and the first movie in this should-not-have-been-a-franchise is awful.

  • Maguita NYC

    NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

  • Fall

    Nooooooooooo!

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Yeah. That's awful. I was one of those people who didn't think I'd like the first book. Found a copy my roommate at the time had left lying around, and read it in a day. I hadn't even read/watched P&P at the time. I convinced my lady friends to check the movie out, that it was good, not typical stupid romcom, and was vindicated and thanked. I even have the soundtrack (it's fun!). The second movie was stupid. The second book never magically appeared in front of me, so I never read it. I'm not emotionally attached to Bridget Jones as a character (I'm not sure we're supposed to; it's more about her as a stand-in for YOU, the single woman reader), but the story has some truth and was told in an entertaining way. (I think it either would not seem so fresh in this era of confessional blogging, or it inspired the voices of a lot of female bloggers).

    But this is just awful.

    There's a decent romcom to be made about a young widow trying to figure out how to date again - but I don't think it's about Bridget Jones.

  • Jo 'Mama' Besser

    Didn't have that P.S., You're Hallucinating movie a few years back?

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Yeah...was that supposed to be a comedy? I didn't watch it. It seemed kinda Nicholas Sparksy to me. (And BJ2 seemed like a knockoff Brokedown Palace)

  • Mrs. Julien

    The second book is not the same quality as the first, but it is worth it as a library borrow for the "transcript" of Bridget interviewing the actor Colin Firth.

  • Rebecca Hachmyer

    With the drunk Christmas card debacle coming in a close second.

  • emmalita

    That was the best, because one of my co-workers actually did that, wrote out the Christmas cards while increasingly drunk, sealed them, and then blithely handed them out the next day.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I don't remember that. Just the interview and singing "Like a Virgin".

  • jlc1967

    Lordy ... the interview that Bridget has with Colin Firth ... I was on the metro and howling out loud, laughing-crying-cringing ... People stared. (Only part of that book I remember.)

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