The Unanswered Questions of "Saved by the Bell": A Pajiba Palate Cleanser
After spending hours upon hours glued to Twitter, I need to take a moment and think about something else, anything else. And I'm sure some of you do, too.
That something else might as well be "Saved by the Bell." For SBTB is my brain's screen saver, what it goes to when there's nothing else to think about.
Bayside High was a terrifying place. Aside from overly involved, feasibly bad-touchy principals and a student who can control time and space with his mind, people just disappeared all the time. With the frequency people are "never seen or heard from again" it's possible they live on a Hellmouth.
Here are just seven of the plotpoints that clearly disappeared into Max's magic hat.
What Happened to Jessie's Step-Brother Eric?
Eric moves from New York (via Fonzieville, evidently) to attend Bayside after his mom marries Jessie's dad. Nevermind that Jessie's step-mom is a blonde, accent-free early '90s aerobics type. Anyway, he torments the gang, then rescues them (he knows how to fix cars because he's from New York, you see? [I don't know that I see...]) and falls in magical forever love with Lisa. Then he disappears.
What Shakespearean War Took Place Betwixt Bayside and Valley?
I mean, there are rivalries and then there is this. In one episode, a girl actually transfers to Bayside for the sole purpose of making Screech lose a chess tournament over a $300 bet.
I mean, I feel like Belding killed a guy. I'm, like, 99% certain Belding killed a guy.
So, That Time Zack Took and Published Bikini Photos of the Girls...What Was That About?
So, Zack decides to create and sell a "Girls of Bayside" calendar. He enlists Screech to take underwater photos of them at swim practice. Except the photos are all totally posed and glamourous.
I guess what I'm asking is (in addition to, you know, why wasn't Zack arrested) is that how swimming works? On land and totally dry, posing like a pageant girl? Because if that's the case, I really feel like it shouldn't be an Olympic event.
What THE HELL Happened With Zack and Lisa?
I mean, COME ON, this was a deep passionate love worth destroying a lifelong friendship and it was just *poof* apparently all a dream *distracting hand gestures of magic and wonder*.
What Happened to Screech?
I'm going to just trust the writers on this one, because clearly this was bigger than the intensification of a character's more humorous attributes, as it was not in the least bit humorous. I am fairly certain that Screech had some manner of trauma, be it brain trauma or emotional trauma, stunting him from a prodigious genius, one who created a helpful robot, into Human Goofy. Either way, I feel like Belding was involved.
What happened, Screech? Show us on the doll.
Zack Wore a Full Native American Headdress and Called Himself "Running Zack"
That's not a question. I just wanted to remind you that happened. He was the original "1/16th Navajo" Dave from "Happy Endings."
Was Tori Part of an Alternate Universe, or a Vast Parent Trap Conspiracy?
So, we all know of the "Tori Paradox." But I think my theory might just crack this whole thing wide open.
So, Leanna Creel, who played Tori, is actually a triplet. She and her sisters played the daughters of Barry Bostwick and Haley Mills in the made-for-TV move The Parent Trap 3: Hawaiian Honeymoon. They got up to identical shenanigans and stuff. And who is Haley Mills? The Bayside gang's former Indiana-based teacher, Miss Bliss.
And who is Haley Mills's sister? Juliet Mills, Witch Tabitha from "Passions."
It's all connected, you guys. *adjusts foil hat*
And, with that, my thoughts return to Boston. Thanks for taking a break with me.