Let Nicolas Cage Instruct You On the Finer Points of Movie Theater Etiquette

I can’t believe Nic Cage still needs to tell people about these things. Humanity is trash.

It’s not just “no calls,” asshole. There is always some dickweasel texting or Facebooking or—for some reason, when I saw Frozen—taking pictures of the opening credits. Not recording it for piracy purposes. Just… taking pictures. With the flash, because the theater was dark because you’re in a damn movie theater. Your phone is a goddamn flashlight in a dark room, and it’s distracting. Somehow there are still people who don’t get this. Don’t make me kick your asses.

I don’t care if you’re not watching them—90% of patrons know that when the lights go down, you bring your conversations to a close. You are not a special snowflake. Shut the hell up.

…but don’t be an asshole about shushing people, either. I once witnessed someone shush a woman for laughing during a Buster Keaton movie. I shit you not. There’s a difference between holding a conversation about your daughter-in-law’s new poodle and exuberantly “AW, SHIT!”ing when Hammer Girl does something awesome in The Raid 2. Audience response can be a valuable part of the communal experience that makes going to the movies so special. I would not take back the audience bursting into spontaneous applause and catcalls at Jeff Goldblum’s shirtless scene at a midnight screening of Jurassic Park for all the dinosaurs on Isla Nublar. Take the measure of the room and of the movie. Saying “Oh my God!” when something scary happens in a horror movie: Fine. Grumbling “This is boring” at a screening of Amour at some fancy arthouse theater: Not fine. You’re an adult. You know this shit.

Look. Kids are kids, and most kids are going to talk. I get that. I’m not going to see Big Hero 6 and expect a silent theater, and I’m not one of those assholes who tells people how eeeeasssssy it is to make their spawn abide by the polite rules of society all the damn time. If I had a kid, that kid would probably have loudly lost their shit during a certain scene in How to Train Your Dragon 2. But for Christ’s sake, don’t have conversations with your kid during a movie, and don’t let them play Angry Birds on your phone, you enabling bastard. You’re supposed to be setting an example here.

There are trash cans. Use them. Your mother didn’t raise you like this.

This one happened to a friend of mine. Throughout the entire movie, this guy kept pulling food from a plastic bag, drowning it in mustard, and chowing down. It was smelly. Just… why?

Now I want to hear from you guys. Questionnaire time:

• What is your #1 movie theater etiquette pet peeve?
• Do you shush people/tell them to turn off their phones?
• What’s your worst movie theater experience?
• What’s your best movie theater experience?
• Is it ever OK to talk during a movie? Under what circumstances?
• Do you check your phone during a movie? Be honest. Statistically, some of you have to. Step forth and be judged.