By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Miscellaneous | Comments (34)
Each Time You Like, Share, Tweet or Stumble a Pajiba Post, An Angel Does the Paul Rudd Dance
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Posted by: Julie at March 22, 2011 9:37 PM
Oh yum, I hope I get to eat you, because most likely I fall in the red and become one.
Posted by: jp at March 22, 2011 9:37 PM
World War Z taught us that, unless you have a nuclear submarine, the ocean isn't the best place to escape zombies.
Posted by: figgy at March 22, 2011 9:47 PM
I would move to Manhattan. Rent should be cheaper in a zombie apocalypse, right?
Posted by: Lucas at March 22, 2011 10:45 PM
Hmm, according to the Zombieland rules, as I am chubby, I will be one of the first to go. However, because of my overriding awesomeness in every other respect, my guess is that I'd taste like the distilled tears of fairy queens, shaken (not stirred) with siren's song and just a subtle hint of deepest, darkest midnight.
Haha - just kidding - I'd probably mostly just taste like rum.
Posted by: noodlestein at March 22, 2011 10:45 PM
World War Z taught us that, unless you have a nuclear submarine, the ocean isn't the best place to escape zombies.
Posted by: figgy at March 22, 2011 9:47 PM
I never read it. What are the dangers of being at sea? How would zombies get you?
Posted by: John G. at March 22, 2011 11:18 PM
I never read it. What are the dangers of being at sea? How would zombies get you?
1.) Zombies don't swim, they just sink to the bottom. But they're more buoyant underwater, so it's easy for them to, say, climb up an anchor chain.
2.) But more important than the zombies is the fact that if a shit-ton of people flee to the ocean, most of them will die of starvation or exposure or both.
Posted by: mightygodking at March 22, 2011 11:21 PM
There's no slice on the pie for "pee a lot".
Posted by: JustBill at March 23, 2011 12:05 AM
taco dip scrabble orgy?
Anyone?
Posted by: general rhubarb at March 23, 2011 12:35 AM
I'd like to be as high as a kite so I couldnt feel the gnawing, the chewing and the biting.
Posted by: seraf at March 23, 2011 12:39 AM
1.) Zombies don't swim, they just sink to the bottom. But they're more buoyant underwater, so it's easy for them to, say, climb up an anchor chain.
2.) But more important than the zombies is the fact that if a shit-ton of people flee to the ocean, most of them will die of starvation or exposure or both.
Posted by: mightygodking at March 22, 2011 11:21 PM
Wouldn't there still be fish in the ocean to eat? And would there be than many zombies climbing on anchor chains? I mean, if I'm out of sight distance from the shore, what would compel a zombie to wander into the sea and wait for my anchor chain?
Posted by: John G. at March 23, 2011 2:10 AM
Taco dip scrabble orgies are never amiss.
I, however would be curled up in a nuclear fallout shelter with ye olde tonne of snack foods, liquor, smokes, books and DVDs. Inertia and cholesterol would get me before the zombies could.
Posted by: cinekat at March 23, 2011 4:32 AM
I'd find a person I know who reads all those zombie survival books and has a giant stash of guns.
Posted by: Uda at March 23, 2011 5:03 AM
Given a choice between someone who has prepared ruthlessly for an apocalypse with a bunker and zombies, I might just pick zombies.
Posted by: mrcreosote at March 23, 2011 6:53 AM
i haven't read world war z in a while, but i think there was a nuclear winter that caused extinction of different animals so that might explain the fish shortage. and the zombies didn't just follow people into the ocean. mass amounts of people loaded onto any boat they could find to escape, a few of the bitten snuck on, and thus the boats became zombie ships.
Posted by: kelley at March 23, 2011 7:49 AM
And then the bitten were thrown off the boat, where they drowned and reanimated, and then when other people fell off the boats or tried to swim back to shore, the zombies were still chillin underwater and grabbed them. I think if you were on your own well-stocked boat, alone, you might be ok. But basically if you live in a city you're fucked. Mass evacuation=chowtime for zombies. The lonely bunker types might be ok because there wouldn't be other humans around to mess up your plans.
The other night I was walking home and there was no one around, and I wondered, "what would I do if a zombie staggered out right now?" and my answer was "get eaten". Sad but true. I would taste like cadbury minieggs because dang, they are good.
Posted by: Cara at March 23, 2011 8:21 AM
Get wasted at Charleton Heston's pad. Either I'm gonna go gangbusters on some mfing Zombie-ass, or accidentally blow my face off.
Either way, we should all get a hearty chuckle out of it.
Posted by: beet salad at March 23, 2011 8:35 AM
I'd hole up in my house, probably board up the windows or something (leaving a hole big enough to snipe through). I've got a pretty good stash of guns so I think I'd be alright.
Well, I'd be alright until I ran out of ammo. Luckily I'm a reloader so I can roll my own, so I'm guessing I'd be safe for a few hundred rounds or so.
Posted by: Mattfactor at March 23, 2011 9:18 AM
You know it's a good day when you get to debate whether or not zombies can swim!
Posted by: grumpiestoldman at March 23, 2011 9:27 AM
I've often wondered what the attraction of surviving a huge zombie apocalypse is. Chances are, percentage wise, that your whole family would be dead along with 95% of your friends and neighbors. There'd be blood and guts everywhere. Furthermore, unless you were a child, the rest of your cratered life would probably be spent repairing the infrastructure of the world, most likely around an agrarian paradigm. So unless you're some kind of grinning idiot optimist, after the glow of triumph had faded, the rest of your life would be some heady mixture of grief and backbreaking work.
You keep that shotgun. I'll be out at the pool with my Johnnie Walker Black and morphine shooter.
Posted by: Ian at March 23, 2011 9:53 AM
I'd hole up for two or three days and let putrefaction and maggots do the work.
Posted by: Tracer Bullet at March 23, 2011 11:00 AM
mightygodking's right, unless you have an incredibly well-stocked ship, the ocean is a bad idea. To resupply, you'd have to go to shore, and there are thousands of zombies near the shores and on land, and one infection can completely destroy your crew. So you'd have to be REALLY well prepared and not have too many people on your boat. Fishing could work for a while, but you can't just survive on fish for years.
I think about this stuff waaaaay too much. Ian's probably got the right idea.
Posted by: figgy at March 23, 2011 11:22 AM
See, I agree with Tracer Bullet. Despite what the movies and TV shows portray, I can't see zombies being incredibly agile after a couple days of decomp. Muscles and cartilage would be degraded enough to affect movement. So they'd be all jerky and kinda slow and whatnot. Still zombieish, just not quite as speedy as they've been made out to be.
What I'd really be worried about are the other humans.
Posted by: Slash at March 23, 2011 12:41 PM
I loved World War Z. And now, I love this website.
Posted by: Drea at March 23, 2011 1:38 PM
Figgy,
It's actually not that hard to survive at sea if you are on a sailboat / if you know what the hell you are doing.
In the first solo round-the-world race, Robin Knox Johnson was on his 32 footer for more than 6 months, never stopping for resupply. Heck, Steven Callahan survived 76 days in a rubber liferaft in his underwear with only a rudimentary 'stabbin stick' to fish with (side note, if you want to read one of the best books about a humble badass, read Callahan's "Adrift". It's a beautiful book).
I've done some longer bluewater trips, and we've always done pretty well on the fishing side of things.
So make friends with a person with a boat over 30 feet and who knows how to sail, or learn yourself and make sure that you know where the unguarded marinas are. Just don't think about stealing my boat, I'm armed :)
Posted by: morganew at March 23, 2011 1:38 PM
i also think about zombies while walking alone to my car in the wee hours of the morning. i have my keys out and am ready to bolt. my over-active imagination has me either running from a zombie or buffalo bill on a daily basis.
i'd probably taste like toffee nut iced coffee because i work at starbucks and it's free so i consume that stuff in mass quantities.
now i want to read world war z again.
Posted by: kelley at March 23, 2011 1:55 PM
I've often wondered what the attraction of surviving a huge zombie apocalypse is. Chances are, percentage wise, that your whole family would be dead along with 95% of your friends and neighbors. There'd be blood and guts everywhere. Furthermore, unless you were a child, the rest of your cratered life would probably be spent repairing the infrastructure of the world, most likely around an agrarian paradigm. So unless you're some kind of grinning idiot optimist, after the glow of triumph had faded, the rest of your life would be some heady mixture of grief and backbreaking work.
You keep that shotgun. I'll be out at the pool with my Johnnie Walker Black and morphine shooter.
Posted by: Ian at March 23, 2011 9:53 AM
Well, I almost never get to be alone, so 95% of people being dead sounds wonderful to me, not terrible. And the real back-breaking labor wouldn't come until all the canned food and twinkies had gone bad, so it's not the immediate after-math of zombies that's the problem, but the people who would try and rebuild society much later. But I'm with you, I'd be on the top of a building in some rich douchebags roof-pool, drinking his rich douchebag booze.
Posted by: John G. at March 23, 2011 2:37 PM
There should be a large slice that says: Will be dead meat because they are too busy texting on their smart phone.
Posted by: MRod at March 23, 2011 3:03 PM
OMFG zombes ell oh ell
Posted by: Ian at March 23, 2011 4:32 PM
well I won't taste delicious, I am a strict vegetarian who is not allowed to eat gluten, so I think I would survive. I guess that means I'd be a zombie killer. sure, why not.
Posted by: JuiceinLA at March 23, 2011 4:55 PM
Y'all know zombies aren't real, right?
Posted by: Snuggiepants at March 23, 2011 5:00 PM
Sounds like something someone who's been bitten would say.
Posted by: Ian at March 23, 2011 5:52 PM
I've often wondered what the attraction of surviving a huge zombie apocalypse is.
It's because most of us recognize that we're already surrounded by mindless hordes who do nothing but consume everything they come near.
The zombie apocalypse just gives us an excuse to start shooting
Posted by: Lennon at March 24, 2011 3:55 PM
Why no option for Walk Briskly?
Posted by: Wembley at March 27, 2011 5:02 PM
Where's the category for "eating a shitload of gravy-soaked gravy and having sex?"