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Faced with Rampant 'Star Wars: The Force Awakens' Spoilers, Let's Discuss What Constitutes a Spoiler

By Courtney Enlow | Miscellaneous | December 18, 2015 | Comments ()

By Courtney Enlow | Miscellaneous | December 18, 2015 |


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We talk a lot about spoilers on these here internet parts. But at this point in our cultural dialogue, the word has lost all meaning. And that is abundantly apparent during this, Star Wars Week. Over the next several days or weeks, you may be faced with this conversation:

“DUDE BRO, THAT STAR WARS SHIT WAS TIGHT AF. MY FAVORITE PART WAS WHEN KYLO REN WAS ALL—”

“Whoa there, friendly sport, please, do not spoil this film for me.”

You may also be faced with this conversation:

“Oscar Isaac is so hot in the new Star Wars, I can’t wait to see—”

“WHOA WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? I DIDN’T WANT TO KNOW THAT OSCAR ISAAC WAS IN THE NEW STAR WARS AND NOW IT IS RUINED FOREVER I DON’T EVEN WANT TO SEE THE MOVIE I HATE YOUUUUUUUU *rips ears off and sends them to you in a festive box*”

And that is why we as an internet need to have a very serious conversation about what does and does not constitute a spoiler. To protect and preserve the Star Warsiverse, I will use holiday classic Home Alone. If you’ve never seen Home Alone, there will be some spoilers for Home Alone. Also, if you have any concerns about being spoiled about Home Alone/plan to make some trolly joke comment about being spoiled about Home Alone even though you actually give zero of the fucks, YOU ARE THE PROBLEM.

Actual spoiler:

“Kevin’s family returns home in Home Alone and everything is OK.”

Not a spoiler:

“John Heard plays Peter McCallister, the patriarch of the family.”

Explanation: See, one of those is the ending of the movie. One of those is just the most basic information about a character. That’s not a spoiler.

Actual spoiler:

“Kevin drops a burning-hot iron onto Daniel Stern’s face. He is a proper sociopath.”

Not a spoiler:

“Kevin does that thing where he puts his hands on his face all ‘AUUUGGGGHHHHH!’ like a caffeinated Charlie Brown.”

Explanation: See, yes, these are both scenes in the film, but one of them was the poster, the VHS cover art and our national anthem probably, so it’s not particularly spoilery due to its prolificness.

Actual spoiler:

“Kevin destroys Buzz’s room and at the end Buzz is all ‘Kevin what did you do to my room’ and probably beats him senseless because Kevin’s whole family is actual garbage and really explains how an 8-year-old could so easily and feelinglessly spend an entire film near-murdering two men.”

Not a spoiler:

“Buzz has a tarantula.”

Explanation: See, outside of the context of the film, these are just words that mean nothing and even within the context of the film that means little to nothing, so you’re fine. You’re fine.

Actual spoiler:

“Kevin was killed in the War on Christmas, 43rd infantry unit. Purple heart.”

Not a spoiler:

“Kevin was a lieutenant in the war on Christmas.”

Explanation: Again, basic character information that is not an actual “reveal” should not technically be considered a spoiler. Calm down.

Actual spoiler:

The comments below will be an actual shitshow.

Not a spoiler:

Because obviously.


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