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A Case Study In Hotness: Mutant Edition

By Joanna Robinson | Posted Under Miscellaneous | Comments (62)

venice-james-mcavoy-10543592-642-428.jpeg

Introduction and Purpose

That’s right, it’s Science Friday! We’re dusting off the beakers and firing up the bunsen burners for another Case Study in Hotness. Here to help us with our examination this morning is Dr. Hank McCoy. Oh, Dr. McCoy, sir, what are you doing with that serum? I don’t think you should drin-oh. Oh, man. Okay, well…it’s fine…I’m sure it’ll be fine. Once he’s found a bigger lab coat, Dr. Hank here is going to help us take the guesswork out of a question that has been plaguing the Scientific Community: Who will be more mutantalizing in the upcoming X-Men: First Class film?

Hypothesis

A side by side comparison of the physical beauty of two actors will yield concrete and empirical conclusions about their ability to portray the leaders of the mutant race. Don’t question our methodology, it’s science.

Subjects

X Men First Class Film Stills-1.jpeg
Fig. 1: No Sex In The Mutant Champagne Room

1. James McAvoy a.k.a. Charles Xavier a.k.a. Professor X
2. Michael Fassbender a.k.a. Erik Lehnsherr a.k.a. Magneto

Data

500full.jpeg
Fig. 2: Good he’s practicing his sitting. Spoiler Alert: He’ll be doing a lot of that.

We here in the Scientific Community know the male specimen is shown off to best advantage when properly vested (see: Gordon-Levitt, Joseph), and McAvoy gains much ground with his strong eye contact and emotive follicles (don’t get used to that hair). The Scientific Community hopes that’s a time piece on McAvoy’s wrist and not a bracelet. This is a very close race, and McAvoy cannot afford to be docked points for douchebaggery.

tumblr_li2xu2qSGg1qzoaqio1_r2_400.jpeg
Fig. 3: Good he’s practicing wearing a something stupid on his head.

Oh my, Junior Scientists. We fear Fassbender may be cheating. Ok, yes, this counts as being vested, but, dear Herr Fassbender, where is your shirt (or, for that matter, body hair)? You earn points for the freckles, sir, and the face-mask hair. Everyone loves a meticulously arranged forelock.

James McAvoy, X-Men: First Class.jpeg
Fig. 4: Telepathetic

Dr. McCoy coyly suggests that we look at the men in action, wowing us with their powers. Em, okay, the eyebrow and the finger to the temple is a classic telepathy pose, but, Charles, baby, whyfore with the fingerless gloves? Is there no central heating in the X-Mansion? Speaking of, the mansion is a little fussily decorated, no? Enough with the sconces.

550w_movies_x-men_first_class_magneto.jpeg
Fig. 5: Mmmmmagnetic

Fassbender has the disadvantage of trying to pull off the hideous X-Jumpsuit and supremely dorky helmet. But he’s working every inch of exposed facial territory, angry slash mouth, ragey nostril flare. We’re impressed. The Scientific Community feels it behooves us to see how the specimens fare with other actors.

5374071476_ef9ecc6aac.jpeg
Fig. 6: Is “Atonement” a film about not showering?

Seriously?!?! What is this? The Scientific Community is sure the photographer was going for “sultry and wet” but landed somewhere in “uncomfortable and greasy” territory. Similarly, McAvoy and Ms. Knightley here may have been attempting restrained, burning passion but it looks more like MCAVOY: Kiera have you eaten anything today? You look a smidge wan. KNIGHTLEY: Braaaaaiiiiinnnssss.

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Fig. 7: And is there sword fighting in “Jane Eyre” now? I had no idear.

Ahhhhh, much better. Good eye contact. Fassbender refuses to be foiled by Miss Wasikowska’s blade and-WAIT. WHAT’S THAT? Does his shirt only have one strap? IS HE WEARING A TARZAN TOP?? Listen, matching hair is one thing, but, gents, do NOT feel obliged to match your shirt to your lady’s. Oh, Fassbender…you were doing so well. The Scientific Community is disappointed.

Conclusion

McAvoy wins it, by a sleeve. The Scientific Community would like to thank Dr. McCoy again for his help but does anyone have a lint roller? There’s blue fur everywhere.

Joanna Robinson is perfectly happy to examine the female mutants. At length. And in depth. Maybe next time.









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Comments

If you mix a raw egg with his food, you might improve Dr. McCoy's coat.

Posted by: The Wanderer at March 18, 2011 12:18 PM

Science (and all that diabolical white shit he's wearing) be damned; 90% of the time, Fassbender wins all the time.

Posted by: zeke the pig at March 18, 2011 12:22 PM

You're on fire today.

I'm gonna throw "ENOUGH with the SCONCES" into my everyday lingua.

Posted by: Ian at March 18, 2011 12:22 PM

You know, I'll say this for Fassbender: I too was, at first, unnerved by the one-strap tank top, there. However, upon further reflection and pondering*, I've decided he can do it.

*"pondering" = "staring for a long time at his bare shoulders and are those his mannipples I can see through that shirt...? Awww, yeeeeeah"

Posted by: Anna von Beav at March 18, 2011 12:25 PM

You do a photo essay on January Jones and I'll break your fingers.

Posted by: Jay at March 18, 2011 12:28 PM

90% of the time, Fassbender wins all the time.

Couldn't agree more.

Posted by: Hadar at March 18, 2011 12:28 PM

Everyone loves a meticulously arranged forelock.

It's true.

(I trust Russell Crowe is the proverbial exception that proves this rule.)

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at March 18, 2011 12:29 PM

Tricky. I think Fassbender wins on balance re- sex-wise, but McAvoy is so small you can fit him in your pocket - so that's nice.

Posted by: Caspar at March 18, 2011 12:29 PM

Why do biiiiirds suddenly appeeeear
Everytiiiiime
You are neeeeear?

Wait, are those turkey vultures?

You're a zombie, aren't you?

Posted by: superasente at March 18, 2011 12:35 PM

Posted by: zeke the pig at March 18, 2011 12:45 PM

I'm gonna have to go there and choose Wolverine in all his sweaty, hairy hotness.

Posted by: figgy at March 18, 2011 12:48 PM

Awww, man, I gotta stick up for the MacAvoy. Quit saying he's tiny!!! Look, let me break it down for ya:

I'm about 5'2 1/2". I might almost have been 5' 3" once, but I think I have a permanent hunch or something. I ain't as skinny as I useta be, but I've still got little bird bones. And here it is: I DON'T LIKE TALL GUYS. (In real life. Tall guys do look good on the movie screen and the glowy box, I'll admit.) I don't like to crane my neck to look up at a guy. And I also don't like feeling any more like a "little girl" (a la Ellen Page) than I already do.

So y'all can send every guy 5'9" and under my way. I'll even take Seth Green. Love him! Call me, Seth.

Posted by: MM at March 18, 2011 12:54 PM

You can have Fassbender. I'll take McAvoy.

Posted by: Melody at March 18, 2011 12:58 PM

But in the interest of science, I'm gonna have to go with Fassbender. McAvoy is a too wee for me.

Posted by: figgy at March 18, 2011 1:00 PM

FASSBENDER! Michael Fassbender is very attractive and I would like to touch his swimsuit area.

I should get myself a stamp of that sentence. Save some time.

McAvoy wins it, by a sleeve.

No, Jo. On Sexy Science Fridays, we all win.

Posted by: jM at March 18, 2011 1:01 PM

Mmmmmm. McAvoy.

*This comment brought to you by Science*

Posted by: nosio at March 18, 2011 1:02 PM

MM As a non-wee woman of average height, I actually delight in the concept of being made to feel small and delicate.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at March 18, 2011 1:04 PM

If Inigo Montoya met up with Tilda Swinton from Narnia and had a child, and that child was spoon-fed only marshmallow fluff until he/she was shipped off to an elite boarding school in Vienna where he/she studied Rococo art while drawing unicorns with flowing manes in which pixies and elves nestled for shelter during the rainy season, and then the child in question decided to break away from whatever family business the White Witch and Inigo Montoya may take part in in order to fulfill his dream of becoming a fashion merchandiser (who's featured clients are Queen Frostine of Candyland, Padme Amidala circa Attack of the Clones, and a shit-ton of cherubs)...
...that would explain the story behind who the fuck could find a way to dress Michael Fassbender in that manner.

Posted by: penelope at March 18, 2011 1:04 PM

I love science.


Mmmm science.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at March 18, 2011 1:10 PM

That was awesome penelope.

Posted by: superasente at March 18, 2011 1:15 PM

@Ms. Julien

Well, exactly. That's what I'm saying. Most (not all) relatively non-wee ladies, and plenty of wee ladies, delight in being made to feel small and delicate. Thus, they favor the tall and/or brawny guy.

I spend every fucking minute of every day being small and delicate, looking like a little girl even though I'm almost 40, and not having anyone ever take me seriously. If I put on a suit (even if it's nice and well-fitted), I look like I'm playing dress-up. Fortunately, I have a decent job where I don't have to wear a suit and no one really has to take me "seriously" in that way. I digress.

Anyway, I feel like a midget all the time. I don't like standing next to a really tall person and feeling even more like a midget. I favor small, compact guys (who are also hot). MACAVOY!!

[P.S. You're still my favorite.]

Posted by: MM at March 18, 2011 1:15 PM

Even before he racked up extra points for references to fencing (what? We all have hobbies. Mine just include a martial art that hasn't been useful in everyday life for at least 100 years), Fassbender. Hands down, if ya know what I mean.

Posted by: SavageCats at March 18, 2011 1:49 PM

As a non-wee woman of average height, I actually delight in the concept of being made to feel small and delicate.

.............................well, shit.

Give up, I fucking do.

Posted by: Jay at March 18, 2011 1:53 PM

I don't understand why Jay is upset. What am I missing? Something right in front of me? Should I be embarrased that I don't understand? If you have to mock me, please leave my mother out of it.

Posted by: superasente at March 18, 2011 2:03 PM

Let's break it down, shall we Superasente

Jay is giving up because

a. He's realised that he sometimes talks like Yoda.

b. He's realised that he sometimes talks like Yoda, but does not possess the commensurate lightsaber skills.

c. He's realised that he sometimes talks like Yoda, but does not possess the commensurate lightsaber skills and lightsaber is not a euphemism.

d. He feels insufficiently brawny in light of the previously aforementioned desire to feel small and delicate which he has extrapolated to all women despite MM's comments.

e. The other player threw a king and a three into the crib.

f. He sees in my comments the sometime hypocrisy of so-called modern women saying that they don't want some trogoldyte to drag them back to their cave, but secretly these women do enjoy a certain amount of manly brawn and localized hirsuteness. Think of it as the equivalent of men telling their wives that they're beautiful just the way they are and then spending 5 minutes staring at someone's rack like it is a magic eye painting.

How did I do Jay?

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at March 18, 2011 2:47 PM

the sometime hypocrisy of so-called modern women saying that they don't want some trogoldyte to drag them back to their cave, but secretly these women do enjoy a certain amount of manly brawn and localized hirsuteness.

::sets down club::
::scratches runway-like protruding brow::

Me still confounded...

Posted by: Grog at March 18, 2011 3:02 PM

I was gonna go with "e", Mrs. J, but obviously it's "c" and it is a euphemism. The "f" option is just too logical to make sense.

What was the topic? Oh, right. Just cover Jennifer Lawrence next to, JoRo. Or, I'll do it. Yeah, I'd volunteer to cover her all day long.

/lamerimshotjokeisstillrimshotworthysosuckit

Posted by: RobP at March 18, 2011 3:24 PM

Just cover Jennifer Lawrence next to, JoRo

Ahem. "Next too." Right? This isn't pedantry, this is just to make it clear that Pajiban writers shall not be physically compared to Oscar-nominated bombshells lest we cry and cry and cry.

Posted by: coveredinbees at March 18, 2011 3:29 PM

certain amount of manly brawn and localized hirsuteness.

I thought we were talking about height, not McAvoy being narrow and hairless, which I'm certainly not. Watch your implications, ma'am!

which he has extrapolated to all women despite MM's comments.

MM's significantly shorter than me. Your stance is more the idea that women who are around my height don't want to be so evenly matched...which I like.

Posted by: Jay at March 18, 2011 3:32 PM

Actually you can just show a bunch of pictures of Rose Byrne and ask "Is she pretty? Or not?" I don't have any need for Jennifer Lawrence.

Thanks!

Posted by: Jay at March 18, 2011 3:34 PM

Posted by: Tess at March 18, 2011 3:45 PM

I can't help it, my dad was tall and I'm predisposed. But, if it helps, I like both tall men AND men who are closer to my own height (or even even, even).

Posted by: Anna von Beav at March 18, 2011 3:51 PM

Well, is she?

You wanna jump the gun? Steal the thunder? Sabotage something original? Not have to look at someone different for a change?

I see how it is!

Of course she is.

But dammit, come on! Someone or other's gonna start the Wilde/Green/Hendricks rotation back up in a day or two as it is.

Posted by: Jay at March 18, 2011 4:09 PM

Argh! That's what I get for posting on a not-that-slow-work-day!

next time, JoRo... next TIME!

Still, if we were doing a comparison of awesomeness (which is hotter than being hot, which is ice cold (all right, all right, all right?)), you'd win hands down, Link Wench Covered in Bees.

(And I get paid to effin' proofread. Sigh.)

Oh, and Jay, Rose Byrne is, in fact, gorgeous. I've just recently become a thoughtless, tactless (powerless) goon when I think of Ms. Lawrence's dark pool eyes and pouty lips. Not to mention seeing her. Which is why I should avoid any movie news sites during work, but I'm a glutton.

Posted by: RobP at March 18, 2011 4:21 PM

Oh Joanna Robinson I awesome sauce you.
And I AWESOME awesome sauce wee tiny James McAvoy. Mmmmutantlicious.

Posted by: JenVegas at March 18, 2011 4:28 PM

McAvoy! Every time--he's smart and HOT!!!! Can't wait to see him with Rose B and Jennifer L ... and ?

Posted by: Findley at March 18, 2011 4:32 PM

Ok, so both guys gorgeous and all, but as a sabre fencer, I'm delighted and amused to see them, and a mask, featured in a magazine spread.

Posted by: Rub at March 18, 2011 4:34 PM

And is the assymetrical undershirt a fencing thing?

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at March 18, 2011 4:37 PM

FASSSSBENDER! It's just more fun to say.

Posted by: Slash at March 18, 2011 5:12 PM

Good call, Joanna! There is nothing wrong with Fassbender, as the above photos attest to, but he's still not McAvoy... *Sigh!*

That man is exceptionally intelligent, he's hysterically funny in interviews, and he has the most beautiful bright blue eyes I've ever seen. Doesn't phase me a bit that I might have an inch on him height-wise. Plus, he was a total bada$$ in "Wanted" and Oscar-worthy in "The Last King of Scotland."

I'm sorry, but is it suddenly hot in here? :P

Posted by: KC at March 18, 2011 5:15 PM

That was hilarious! Loved it. Well done (though I think you picked some of the worst James photos out there.

James wins for me. Funny/witty. Shockingly blue eyes. Loves his wife and kid. Talented yet grounded.

And let's not forget the Scottish accent. Mmm. Scottish accent. Yum.

Posted by: Kat at March 18, 2011 5:33 PM

Rose Byrne is, in fact, gorgeous.

Oh, I know she is, that was my self-serving angle for such a "comparison". I'd just say "....Yes....that's all very nice."

Posted by: Jay at March 18, 2011 5:55 PM

Yes, I'm very polite and urbane in my lasciviousness. Makes girls think I'm frigid. AWWWWW YEAH!

Posted by: Jay at March 18, 2011 6:25 PM

Ok, I have some issues here. I acknowledge the stupidity of the Magneto helmet, and I acknowledge that the inexplicable and inaccurate use of fencing equipment in photoshoots is always kind of lame, but you've got no call to call a sabre mask "stupid". Oh, yeah, and? It's a sabre, not a foil. I get that the pun is just there for the taking, but it's almost as old as seeing the word "epee" in every. single. crossword. ever. Next thing you're gonna do is ask me "white picket or barbed wire." Har har har.

Sorry, when you've been doing something long enough, you stop being excited about it randomly showing up in regular culture, and just wish they'd use it correctly.

And no. The asymmetrical wife-beater is NOT a fencing thing. Although I'd totally wear one.

P.S. Team McAvoy!

Posted by: Samantha at March 18, 2011 6:30 PM

you stop being excited about it randomly showing up in regular culture, and just wish they'd use it correctly.

I rather respect that.

Posted by: Jay at March 18, 2011 6:42 PM

Yes, that is precisely how I feel about comic books characters.

Posted by: superasente at March 18, 2011 7:15 PM

@Samantha, I completely agree. It's like seeing sword fighting scenes in movies.

Posted by: Ruby at March 18, 2011 8:50 PM

I will take both. No competition required. Fassdong and Mcavoy sammich, please.

Posted by: amanda at March 18, 2011 8:52 PM

It's like seeing sword fighting scenes in movies.

Such dirty thoughts I'm having...

Posted by: MM at March 18, 2011 8:56 PM

I'd rather see a "sword fight" between the generational Magneti and Professors X.

My money's on both Macs.

Posted by: RobP at March 18, 2011 9:38 PM

Mmmmm...McAvoy. I'd probably break him, but I'd be more than happy to nurse him back to health.

Posted by: elisamaza at March 18, 2011 10:39 PM

Sigh. I wholeheartedly agree with the results. Mcavoy wins everytime.

Posted by: tallulahc at March 18, 2011 10:44 PM

I'm sorry I just don't get the James McAvoy love. There's always been something about his face that bothers me and I think I've finally figured it out. He looks like a pug. Which is cute if you're a dog, but not if you're a person. To each their own I suppose, but honestly, I don't get it.

Posted by: wuggle at March 18, 2011 10:47 PM

You know why I really love you, JoRo? Because you can always find a reason to throw a vested JGL in there. Levittttttttttttttt!

Posted by: Even Stevens at March 19, 2011 1:23 AM

this was fun. i much prefer mcavoy. just sayin'

Posted by: splinter at March 19, 2011 9:36 AM

McAvoy. And not just because of Scottish pride. Not just.
Michael Fassbender is an awesome actor, but I can't ever remember what his face actually looks like. I saw the picture about thirty seconds ago, scrolled down here to comment, and right now I couldn't describe him accurately to a police officer had he mugged me. Maybe he has mugged me. I wouldn't be able to tell you.

And that's possibly one of the things that makes him a great actor, that he can just lose himself in a part, but right now I have no idea whether he's sexually attractive or not.
*zooms up*
*zooms down*
Oh. I have 'yes, he is' written on my hand.

Posted by: Kirstini at March 19, 2011 11:34 AM

so handsome..hoho..i love my boyfriend, i m almost 10years older than him....LOLi met him
via -----Eu Age Cupid .c 0;M---- it gives you a chance to make your
life better and open opportunities for you to meet the attractive young
man and treat you like a queen. i love that !Maybe you wanna check it
out or tell your friends--

Posted by: laneti at March 19, 2011 12:13 PM

James McAvoy 4ever!!! Yeah :)

Posted by: March Madison at March 21, 2011 6:07 PM

I'll always be loyal to my Jamesy but let's not forget that Mr. Fassbender IS Irish. Battle of the Sexy Lilts!

Posted by: amanda at March 21, 2011 10:59 PM

James McAvoy does it for me every time. Though I will miss his 'emotive follicles' when the time comes. Hmmm, that may prove a challenge.

Like Fassbender but can't get past that stupid looking helmet.

Oh well, I'll be happy to stare at both of them for a couple of hours.

Battle of the sexy lilts? I love it. And James wins. ;)

Posted by: Madison at March 22, 2011 8:16 PM

Get a examine netshops re-branding to hayneedle.

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