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Liveblogging the '90s: 'The Devil's Advocate'

By Courtney Enlow | Liveblogging the 90s | August 8, 2014 | Comments ()


the-devils-advocate.jpg

So, once upon a time, a beautiful fucking princess tried to liveblog Scream and it didn’t work out because that movie is a flawless treasure. So she scrapped and had to start over. But what, praytell, could she possibly choose?

In the words of Busta Pacino, HOO-AH, got you all in check. Because I’m coming at you with The Devil’s Advocate and I’m so excited about it I just can’t hide it about it. Yes I’ve had wine.

0:00 - Right off the bat this movie is literal hot fire. The opening credits are just flames and angry suns and a beach of smoke. It’s magical.

0:00 - Now Dawn Wiener is on the stand testifying against a rapist. She’s southern. She’s not very good at being southern. As I recall, no one else is either. Rapist is molesting the table because he’s enjoying the testimony so much. Now he’s molesting himself. He looks dismayed that Keanu Reeves finds this unseemly.

0:02 - This is something I learned on How Did This Get Made, but if you weren’t aware, Keanu’s name in this movie is Lomax, which is a play on the term “Low MACHS” which means he scores low in Machiavellianism. Pacino’s name is John Milton. This movie is Subtle.

0:03 - Keanu is so upset he has to look in the mirror about it and wash his hands. He washes his hands then touches the bathroom counter which is a complete nullification of the aforementioned washing.

0:05 - Keanu’s way to show what a good lawyer he is involves him yelling loudly. Shouting every line.

0:07 - Keanu is now yelling at Dawn Wiener for that time she played a game called “Special Places.” Special Places shaming! He’s yelling about special parties and special places and special stories and it’s probably because he’s jealous he’s not in the Special People Club.

0:09 - You know, it’s hard to make Charlize Theron look bad, but a curly wig goes a long way.

0:10 - Keanu just said the lawyer offering him a job is clearly a joke being played on him by a friend because the lawyer is black. I guess it’s a funny joke if you’re racist or something.

0:12 - This intense church is singing the best church song about God crushing you under his feet. Keanu’s mom goes to crazy church and looks and dresses like a Sister Wife and she thinks New York is Babylon. So Keanu might have his black people lawyer views for a reason.

0:13 - Charlize Theron is literally without age. She looks the exact same. Maybe she’s born with it and maybe it’s Maybelline, but she definitely bathes in the blood of the innocent. And sign me up if it’ll Charlize me up a bit.

0:15 - Now they’re jury picking and Keanu picks a black guy and the other lawyer is all “the guy with the dreds?!” because this movie is racist.

0:17 - And we have our first Pacino shot of the movie. His tie is made of gold and his hair is carved from marble and his throat swallowed all the other marble.

0:18 - Keanu just did that fake out thing that only happens in movies where he walks in all sad and pretends he lost but YOU GUYS HE TOTALLY WON! PILLOW FIGHT! I can’t do that kind of thing. I’d start laughing midway through the first word.

0:20 - A woman is speaking another language. Keanu is hypnotized by her as if to say “a white woman? Speaking a foreign tongue? New York is crazy!”

0:20 - I have to believe that when John Travolta goes to the hair store, he shows them a picture of Al Pacino in this movie and says “DO THAT TO ME.”

0:22 - What I like about Keanu’s performance in this movie is how his accent comes and goes so constantly and without warning, you know, like real people’s do.

0:24 - Pacino’s office that opens up to the infinity pool that goes over the edge of a building is my literal nightmare. I’m experiencing actual palpitations as I watch this.

0:25 - I’m getting vertigo you guys. I’M FALLING AND NOT JUST INTO AL’S BEAUTIFUL WIDOW’S PEAK.

0:26 - The camera panned down to Pacino’s high heels and they’re supposed to mean something but I don’t know what that something is except it might be that Tom Cruise is the devil because his kitten heels are way higher than that.

0:27 - FUCKING TAMARA TUNIE! Guys I’ve never seen Medical Examiner Melinda Warner in the wild before.

0:28 - This apartment they’re giving the Keanus is really nice. I mean, I’d work for the devil for that window seat.

0:29 - Ed Rooney is at Pacino’s firm too because this movie has a running theme of child abuse and general grody fuckery.

0:32 - Keanu now has to try a case involving animal sacrifice. It’s about health codes. Also, Charlize is painting the walls eight shades of ugly green while Tamara Tunie judges her and it’s all hugely dramatic with hugely dramatic music. HEALTH CODES! *ahhhhhhh music of chanting ahhhhhhhhness* GREEN PAINT! *ahhhhhhhhh*

0:36 - “You can work, you can play or you can breed.” Those are our options, ladies. Can I pick eat? I PICK EAT.

0:37 - Keanu is yelling about goats and the animal sacrifice guy is cursing another guy into coughing which is maybe the most mildly annoying curse you can curse someone with.

0:39 - “I’m the hand up Mona Lisa’s skirt.” I love nothing more than latter-day Pacino monologues about nothing that inform you of nothing.

0:42 - Someday I am going to go to a fancy fucking party and wear a fancy fucking gown like people in movies. And I will probably have a terrible perm like Charlize. Excuse my beauty.

0:44 - Keanu remains hypnotized by foreign language speaking lady with aggressive hair. Charlize and Al have a conversation about Charlize’s hair. Because her hair is nonsense. “It doesn’t belong to you.” I think Al’s right. I think it came from Sally Beauty.

0:45 - If my husband’s boss ever told me I’d be prettier with my hair up, I’d probably stab him. Pacino also just told Charlize that her shoulders are front lines and her neck is a mysterious border town and she’s all turned on and not stabby, so we have different ideas about things.

0:48 - There are wolves on the wall coverings. BECAUSE SUBTLE!

0:48 - The camera keeps lingering on things I don’t understand. Like Pacino’s thumb.

0:49 - This movie has incorporated more bad wipes than a fifth grader’s PowerPoint presentation.

0:51 - Everyone hates Kevin.

0:52 - Keanu is Kevin, by the way. I don’t think I mentioned that before. His name is Kevin. A name that simply oozes sex appeal and authority. The movie thinks it does at least, the way everyone keeps spitting and yelling it.

0:52 - “Stop. Reset.” That’s how Keanu calms an angry wife. Well moisten my nethers, what a guy.

0:52 - Charlize hit like eight levels of emotional volume in that scene. “you can Sleep On The FUCKING COUCH!”

0:53 - Keanu is going to try a triple homicide with Craig T. Nelson as the defendant.

0:55 - “We need to issue a STITEMINT.” That’s the first hint of accent Keanu has attempted to have in over 20 minutes.

0:57 - Sorry I was distracted by Medical Examiner Melinda Warner’s boobs and then her demon face and also Charlize’s not awesome new haircut. It looks like when Tiffani Amber Thiessen was Valerie on 90210.

0:59 - Now I’m distracted by Charlize’s weird accent choice. I mean, hers isn’t good, but for a quick second it was really not good.

1:00 - “Less mike a bye-bee.” Oh sexy southern words of seduction, Keanu.

1:01 - Charlize just turned into foreigny lady with the aggressive hair. BUt now her hair is down. Then back to Charlize. Then back to lady. Then foot sucking. Then Charlize! Back and forth! Who ever will he mike a bye-bee with?

1:04 - “Stop. Back up.” Keanu’s dialogue is not helping convince people he’s not made of robots.

1:04 - Craig T. Nelson has a gun and Keanu is displeased. “Hu-when the case is over, you can have it back.” His accent is getting gummier and gummier as the movie goes. It’s like someone spilled NyQuil all over it. It needs Goo-Be-Gone.

1:07 - Keanu’s mom looks exactly like Ann B. Davis. Her character’s name is even named Alice. THIS MOVIE HAS LAYERS. The devil’s Bradyvocate!

1:11 - Jeffrey Jones is doing secret filing and hiding it from the Justice Department because secrets.

1:12 - Scenes sometimes end with growls.

1:13 - Pacino just started speaking Spanish and told a man his wife was smoking “crack” with Carlos. The quotation marks were actually in the movie. Which is adorable even for 1997.

1:15 - Keanu smokes cigarettes now. That’s how you know he’s gone down the bad path.

1:16 - Now Pacino is getting a blowcino under the table. That seems like a good way to bang your head. Like, your top head. To smack it on the table. You know.

1:19 - Charlize found a Baby and the Baby is playing with Organs and that baby actor will probably be broken forever.

1:20 - “They took my ovaries, Kevin. THEY TOOK MY OVARIES!” Guys, I love this movie.

1:22 - “You fuck around and she gets money. THAT’S…a motive.” Guys, I love this movie.

1:23 - “I was boning my assistant the night my wife got shot.” Guys, I love this movie.

1:30 - Pacino is presently wearing pajamas and a matching robe. But he doesn’t have a bed because he doesn’t sleep and fucks “EVERYWAY-AHH!”

1:32 - “You sharpen the human appetite to the point where it can split atoms with its desire. You build egos the size of cathedrals. Fiber-optically connect the world to every eager impulse. Grease even the dullest dreams with these dollar-green gold-plated fantasies until every human becomes an aspiring emperor, becomes his own god. Where can you go from there? As we’re scrambling from one deal to the next, who’s got his eye on the planet? As the air thickens, the water sours, even bees’ honey takes on the metallic taste of radioactivity… and it just keeps coming, faster and faster. There’s no chance to think, to prepare; it’s buy futures, sell futures… when there is no future. We got a runaway train, boy. We got a billion Eddie Barzoons all jogging into the future. Every one of them is getting ready to fistfuck God’s ex-planet, lick their fingers clean, as they reach out toward their pristine, cybernetic keyboards to tote up their fucking billable hours. And then it hits home. You got to pay your own way, Eddie. It’s a little late in the game to buy out now. Your belly’s too full, your dick is sore, your eyes are bloodshot and you’re screaming for someone to help. But guess what — there’s no one there! You’re all alone, Eddie. You’re God’s special little creature. Maybe it’s true. Maybe God threw the dice once too often. Maybe He let us all down.”

What. Did that. Even. Mean. Guys. I love this movie.

1:33 - Craig T. Nelson’s assistant he’s banging. Worst haircut in cinema.

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1:36 - Jeffrey Jones is dead now. He was killed by homeless demons after being followed by invisible people. Just like we all do.

1:37 - The courtroom is painted a really gross shiny black, like it’s a blackbox theater in Bucktown when they’re not filming. Except actually it’s granite, but it sure looked like fug paint.

1:38 - They won the case. I think. I hate when things happen off camera. I mean, I realize it’s obvious but I learned with Casey Anthony that court cases last a really fucking long time and this one seemed short.

1:40 - Charlize is in a comforter at a church telling Keanu that Pacino raped her. But he was in court with Keanu so it’s time to shake and yell at the clearly disturbed victim of something horrible. She takes off the comforter and is covered in scratches and general cray cray.

1:45 - Craig T. Nelson is stroking his 14-year-old stepdaughter and Keanu is all THE FUHHHHHHH because everyone around him is evil.

1:46 - The DOJ guy is following Keanu and telling him that Pacino is involved in money laundering, arms brokering, toxic waste and general no goodness. Pacino can also stick his finger in holy water and make it go singeylike. GUYS HE MIGHT BE THE DEVIL.

1:47 - DOJ guy gets hit by a card because of Pacino’s holy water singey touch.

1:50 - Keanu’s mom is back AND SHE HAS SECRETS TO SHARE. She was in NYC for a week back in ‘66 and she banged the shit out of a waiter and made herself a little Keanu.

1:51 - Charlize is seeing demons and is filled with voices and demonry so now it’s time to die.

1:53 - “Sir, get off her so I can help her.” Lady, her entire body just poured out of her neck hole, I don’t think there’s much fixing that.

1:54 - Pacino is Keanu’s father, guys! An Italian man and a nondescript white woman gave birth to a partially Asian Canadian man from Lebanon!

1:57 - Keanu kind of just decided that Pacino is the devil. I mean, there were plenty of reasons, but he didn’t really seem to notice them until like just this second.

1:59 - Guys. This movie is so good. I mean, it’s not good. It’s nonsense. But I LOVE IT. I want to never not be watching it. I want it to play inside my eyelids when I go nigh-nigh. I love it.

2:00 - Pacino just had to lip sync a Keanu scene and seeing particularly bad Keanu acting come out of Pacino’s face is kind of the most fascinating thing I’ve ever seen.

2:05 - “I’m a humanist. Maybe the last humanist.” SEE, DUMB PEOPLE WHO SAY THEY AREN’T FEMINISTS, THEY’RE HUMANISTS? I KNEW THEY WERE THE DEVIL.

2:06 - “She’s ovulating. Right now,” Pacino says to Keanu about Keanu’s sister while he strokes her leg. The family dynamics in this movie are something to write home about, if your home is full of devils and mole people.

2:07 - This weird sculpture painting made of people is some Ghost-level special effects.

2:08 - Yeah, Keanu, come on, t’s time to bang your sister while your dad dances around in the same room.

2:11 - Love is “biochemically no different than eating large quantities of chocolate.” I buy that.

2:12 - OK that was sudden. Keanu shoots himself in the head, Pacino starts a giant fire, ages backwards into Keanu while the sister turns into a lizard mummy and Keanu takes about 87 minutes to fall down.

2:14 - And OH SNAP we’re back at the beginning of the movie where Keanu has to go look in the mirror about it while dealing with the case of Dawn Wiener and the masturbating teacher!

2:16 - So Keanu throws the case to do the right thing. Then a reporter says he wants to do a story on him and make him a star. THEN HE TURNS INTO PACINO BECAUSE VANITY! YOU GUYS! MESSAGES!

I’ve never been happier to watch a movie. I need several cigarettes now. Thank you for taking this journey with me. YOU’RE ALL ABSENTEE LANDLORDS.



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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • ZestyItalian2

    One of the great cheeseball movies of all time. I will never not watch if it comes on TV. Pacino at the absolute peak of his late-mid-career scenery chewing powers. This film is an American treasure.

  • Ricky, Bubbles & Julian

    How the hell does Keanu keep getting acting gigs? I find it hard to believe that influential people sit down and discuss casting and someone says "Keanu's available" followed by a lot of approval absent the presence of incriminating photos of someone in that room

  • Emily Smith

    Thank you so much for this liveblog. I'm at the age where I was either too young to watch these movies when they came out, or I was old enough that they made up a huge part of my early teen years. Either way, I get a nice dose of nostalgia or a new terrible movie to watch next - and it's all hilariously written.

  • Darnit, Courtney. You're killing my free time with this stuff. But what a way to go...brilliant.

  • blacksred

    i LOVED this movie!!!! I used to watch it all the time

  • BobbFrapples

    This movie was where I first heard "Paint it Black." Yes, I was living under a rock up until then.

  • Marianne Villanueva

    I still think the BEST Keanu Reeves movie was SPEED . . .

  • Kala

    Sorry, but that award has to go to Point Break, which I humbly submit as a nominee for a future Liveblog.

    P. S. If you were really feeling extreme, Courtney, I would urge you to do Chain Reaction. I won't suggest Johnny Mnemonic, because no one deserves that.

  • Marianne Villanueva

    POINT BREAK was actually a tie at first with SPEED. But I hate ties so I just said SPEED.

    I also love the corniest of the corny Keanu movies: A WALK IN THE CLOUDS.

    CHAIN REACTION was with Rachel Weisz. Before she was Goddess Rachel Weisz.

  • Rebecca Hachmyer

    0:18 - Keanu just did that fake out thing that only happens in movies where he walks in all sad and pretends he lost but YOU GUYS HE TOTALLY WON!

    Where I come from we call that "The Tribbiani."

  • Inspired choice. I keep trying to be disappointed that it's not Wild Things but the alternatives are too much fun.

  • nobcarajo100

    http://www.the-editing-room.co... Liveblogging the 90's: Making of the movie itself instead of saying how you ironically love the movie every two sentences.

  • Guest

    OMG I.LOVE.THIS.REVIEW.GUYS *cries with joy while browsing this and tumblr*

  • John G.

    Courtney, please never stop doing these.

  • llp

    Sometimes I think of those Pacino monologues as written by Karl Lagerfeld as written by the Fug Girls.

  • I would love to see you liveblog Bram Stoker's Dracula. You think Keanu was bad in THIS movie?
    There's the costumes. There's Oldman chewing the scenery WITH FANGS. There's Winona with her wingnut ears exposed by the Victorian hairstyles. And there's Keanu as the worst Jonathan Harker ever committed to film!
    Oh God I love every frame of that movie, and I would love to see you drunkenly rip it to shreds.

  • John G.

    ladies and gentlemen of the Liveblogging the 90's Jury, I give you people's exhibit A, 1992's Bram Stoker's Dracula:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?...

  • placidandy

    I've realised what is wrong with this. "HWAT happened to Harker?" "We can be married HWHEN I return." "HOH yes..." he can't stop adding extra H's to his accent!

  • placidandy

    "I hknow hwhere the bastarhd sleeps... to carfax abbyehhhh"

  • John G.

    0:05 - Keanu’s way to show what a good lawyer he is involves him yelling loudly. Shouting every line.

    I've heard there's a supercut somewhere of just Keanu screaming his profession in various movies. "I am an FBI agent"

  • mrsdalgliesh

    You cannot taunt us with that and not come through with a link!!

  • John G.

    I'm looking.....

  • kirbyjay

    I. AM. AN. EFF. BEE. EYE. AGENT!!!!
    Say it right if you're going to say it at all.
    Nice break....long workable rides....
    I fuckin love Keanu.

  • SottoVoce

    I am so glad you did this, Courtney. Whenever I find it while flipping channels, I have to watch it. Tamara Tunie was glorious on As the World Turns. She should be onscreen much, much more.

  • Well after the damage Hackers did to you, you deserved a treat.

    Now, I do have a suggestion, one I'm not sure anyone has put up yet. And it stars a few Pajiba darlings, IIRC.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?...

  • helenskor

    Oh, yes. Dear God, please, YES!

  • Pants_are_a_must

    yesssss that's the stuff

    Have you done "Meet Joe Black" yet?

  • Nadiney

    Auuuugh my god this is the perfect liveblog of the perfect movie, yaaaaaaassssssssss YAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

  • Brooke Michelle

    This is a great movie. This is just a great, batshit insane, dumb as everything movie. I love it so much.

  • Naye

    Can we do "the Faculty" next? It's on Showtime right now if I remember correctly.

  • Emily Smith

    Oh please.

  • OH GOD YES.

  • Lawrence Aggleton

    I'm not sure what I love more, this liveblog, the movie, or my unborn child. I mean, probably my unborn child, but that might just be hedging in case my wife reads this.

  • mrsdalgliesh

    “Less mike a bye-bee.”

    :::falls over:::

    I need to remember to put on some Depends before I read these.

    Isn't it Connie Nielson as the ovulating devil daughter? I seem to remember that she has a truly unfortunate perm as well.

  • jthomas666

    Yes. Come for Charlize, stay for Connie. I'm good either way.

    It is *such* a batshit crazy movie that it somehow manages to work despite itself. A lot of it is that Pacino is so obviously having the time of his life.

  • This movie made me fall in love with that Sinatra song, such that I now sing "It HAPPENED.....in MonnaRAY" in the shower (while doing what shall hence be called my Ovulating Devil Daughter dance). Good times.

    It's impossible not to have fun with this giant slice of gooey satany cheese. Why should the actors be immune?

  • YES this movie is riddled with SVU cast members.

  • For the longest time I thought it was Dina Meyer. I have now been schooled.

    And no, i didn't bother looking it up.

  • pthalio

    You are not alone

  • Tracer Bullet

    Everybody knows this movie is terrible fun. I want you to go further. I want you dig deeper. As deep as the hole that Danny Glover wants to throw himself into when he remembers that he was in 1991's A Rage In Harlem.
    DO IT. DO IT.

  • jmombo

    Never stop writing these. Ever.

  • Wrestling Fan

    I love your Liveblogs like a fat kid loves cake, or like an unimaginative commenter loves bad similes!

  • BWeaves

    "Pacino is Keanu’s father, guys! An Italian man and a nondescript white woman gave birth to a partially Asian Canadian man from Lebanon!"

    It's Hollywood's idea of what diversity means.

  • janetfaust

    "The family dynamics in this movie are something to write home about, if your home is full of devils and mole people." This sentence gave me a laugh I sorely needed today, thank you.

  • BWeaves

    Is this the movie where the devil women smile and they have extra mouths in their cheeks? Because, that freaked me the hell out.

  • Ryan Ambrose

    I feel that, at this rate, we should devise a new drinking game for Courtney to make the experience more bearable. So every time a character from a '90s movie utters the word "cybernetic" you should drink a whole glass of wine in one gulp to numb the pain.

  • Nicole_OCTV

    I was just commenting to a friend the other day that the word 'cyber' was everywhere for a while and now it seems old-fashioned and adorable. Doing a shot whenever someone says 'cyber' in a 90's movie would be a good drinking game, unless that movie is The Net, in which case you would die of alcohol poisoning in the first ten minutes.

  • John G.

    let's make it whiskey and every time she comments on a 90's hairstyle

  • Dove of Doom

    Charlize Theron should stay away from Keanu Reeves. Bad things happen when they show up together.

  • Martin Holterman

    What? No love for Sweet November?

  • Ryan Ambrose

    I still remember that Enya song to this day, even if I can't recall a single frame from that film. What's wrong with me?

  • Jezzer

    The Assistant Craig T. Nelson Is Banging also has a face that looks like a thumb.

  • “You can work, you can play or you can breed.” Those are our options, ladies. Can I pick eat? I PICK EAT.

    No, you can't pick eat! You had 3 choices. Pick one of them!

    And stop crying for sprinkles! They ran out of them half an hour ago!

  • stella

    This was awesome. Can i still request Cruel Intentions?

  • Abby

    Thank you!!

    My college roommate and I were OBSESSED with this movie, and watched it multiple times, the culmination being when we watched it super late one night while, ahem, a little chemically enhanced. Come to think of it, I don't think I've actually seen it since that time... time to remedy that!

  • Theodora K Mullins

    Have we reached the request portion of the evening yet? Because I think a liveblog of Interview with a Vampire might become my new everything. I feel like the post earlier makes it fated! And the wigs should be immortalized by your snarky words!!

  • Emm82

    Thirded.

  • Seconded.

  • BendinIntheWind

    This liveblog is becoming more important to me than my children.

    Full disclosure: I don't have children. But if/when I do, I plan to make it clear that MAMA HAS PRIORITIES.

  • Kala

    I think we should be friends. Similar priorities and whatnot.

  • BWeaves

    This was glorious. I agree!

  • As someone who ignores her child on a weekly basis to bring this to you, RESPECT.

  • BlackRabbit

    They don't watch alongside you? Think of the children, the next Pajiba generation!

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