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Cheese is What Makes a Pizza Good (Or Bad). Pineapple Ruins All.

By Kate Hudson | Food Porn | February 7, 2019 |

By Kate Hudson | Food Porn | February 7, 2019 |


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Look, we don’t need to beat around the bush here. Pizza is good. It’s hard to make a bad pizza—but there are two universal ways to do it. The first being: use bad cheese.

You know what kind of cheese I’m talking about. The kind that the major chains buy in bulk that have that weird, chemically, milk-y after taste. That feels a little gritty on your tongue as you’re enjoying your pizza.

That kind of pizza sucks because the cheese sucks.

Everything else about a pizza can be mediocre, as long as the cheese is good. Burnt, or undercooked crust? That’s ok, there’s melted cheese to eat!

Sauce not seasoned enough? Guess what? Still tastes good with melted cheese. Toppings leaving you underwhelmed? Not to worry, melted cheese is gonna dress them right up!

There is literally only one thing that can ruin a pizza with good cheese and that’s pineapple.

Pineapple, on a pizza, ruins everything that comes into contact with it. You could be using the best cheese in the world, but you slap that fruit on it, and you’ve desecrated what would have been a perfectly cromulent pizza.

Pineapples belong in tiki drinks and fruit salads, and nowhere near pizza. I could call people who enjoy pineapple on their pizzas, monster—but I don’t need to. They know it in their heart that it’s true. No further clarification is needed on either of our parts.

So next time you order a pizza, be sure to know what kind of cheese will be on it, because that’s the easiest way to know you’re getting a good pizza. If someone asks for pineapple on theirs, wordlessly point to the door of your home, and do not move until they leave. Then delete all trace of them in your life. It might be harder for an immediate family member, but trust me, you don’t need their negativity in your life any longer, friend.



Kate is a staff contributor. You can follow her on Twitter.



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