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'Mercy Rule' Review: Kirk Cameron Can Suck It

By TK | Film Reviews | February 4, 2014 | Comments ()


SecretCameron_635x334-579x304.png

Here’s the story, nutshelled: John Miller (Kirk Cameron) is an affable, loving family man who runs a scrap yard that he inherited from his father. He has a beautiful and wonderful wife, played by real-life spouse Chelsea Noble, and two kids, the precocious pre-teen daughter, and the rambunctious son with a passion for baseball. Cameron is under fire from the evil local government city council that wants to take over his scrap business via a barrage of environmental regulations and taxes, and simultaneously, his son is struggling to find his place on his little league team. Other notable characters are comedian Tim Hawkins, who is basically the Christian Weird Al, as Miller’s brother, and former MMA fighter Bas Rutten (!) as the little league coach.

Over the course of the film, Cameron has innumerable cheesy, treacly conversations with his wife where she tells him how great he is, gets to make grand sweeping generalizations about government regulation, argues with his dipshit brother, and eventually has a Mr. Smith Goes To Washington moment in front of his local city council where he wins the day, saves his business from the evil gubment oppressors, and buys everyone ice cream (yes, really). Meanwhile, his son — the film’s parallel plotline — learns about teamwork and being an all-around good guy from his coach, his father, and his wacky uncle.

It is — and I say this without any hyperbole whatsovever — the most boring movie I’ve ever seen in my life. I conned my wife into watching it with me by cooking her dinner and buying her wine, and making her think it would be hilarious. It wasn’t. It was dreadful, and dull and soporific and stupid. It was trench warfare to get through it — long and brutal and painful, an unending agony rife with cliche and saccharine dialogue with absolutely zero value. 20 minutes into the film, we wanted to die. Cameron vowed that this film would bring families together — I was worried my wife was going to divorce me for subjecting her to it. And let’s remember, she sat through Sharktopus and The Human Centipede with me. But this was infinitely worse — in several ways — than either of those.

Taking out all of the Christian-themed elements, it’s still awful. I realize that I’m not the audience for the film, but it’s a terrible movie in literally every way that a film can be terrible. Acting, directing, cinematography, editing, writing, dialogue, production, sound, everything. Every single person involved in making this film should be poked with sharp sticks until they vow to leave the industry forever.

So. Here is a list, in handy bullet points, of everything you need to know about the film. Bear in mind, this was originally going to be a real-time review except that it was so goddamn boring, there was nothing worth writing.

  • Cameron’s studio is called “Hero 4 Baby Studios.” I do not know what that means. Mrs. TK assumed it referred to the baby Jesus. Because Jesus.
  • At one point, Cameron’s character says that he’s proud of never taking a government subsidy, “like God and George Washington intended.” BECAUSE JESUS.
  • The film opens with a five-minute narration about his scrap metal business, and then a little league game in slow-motion (this will become a thing), and then him and his kids throwing grapefruits at each other. But, Cameron says, “it isn’t all grapefruit fights and laughing at the table.” That is an actual line of dialogue in a movie.
  • In his wife’s eyes, his greatest sin — the one that fills her with outrage and makes her storm off angrily — is that he thinks about smoking sometimes. NOT THAT HE SMOKES, BUT THAT HE SOMETIMES THINKS ABOUT IT.
  • There is a single minority in the film, and he has no spoken lines. As Mrs. TK says, “Aw, everyone’s so white and pretty in Jesus Land!”
  • I would say, conservatively, that roughly 50% of the film is done in slow motion. Hand to God. My wife noted that if we could just skip the slow motion, the film would be an hour long. As it stands, it’s two horrific, brain-deadening hours. And yes, we watched all of it.
  • There is also more lens flare than an Abrams Star Trek movie. However, it’s done so artlessly that most of the lens-flarey shots are just blinding light, obscuring almost everything on the screen. It’s baffling.
  • Of the 50% that isn’t in slow motion, roughly 30% of that is pensive stares into the middle distance, without any dialogue.
  • At one point, there is a 10 minute scene where Cameron and the evil government “eco-lobbyist” argue about hazardous waste subsidies. For 15 minutes. In a movie that you’re supposed to watch with your family.
  • Seriously, I need to talk more about the slow motion. It’s bizarre and relentless, like the director went to the Zack Snyder School and just went bananas. There’s an entire baseball game filmed in slow motion. Slow motion walking. Slow motion eating. Slow motion pensive staring. Slow motion commuting to work. SLOW MOTION PANCAKE-MAKING.
  • The women in the film serve no purpose other than support roles. Literally all they do is offer dutiful support to their husbands/brothers/fathers. That’s it.
  • In fact, Chelsea Noble — again, Cameron’s real-life wife — is only ever seen speaking to either him or her son. I’m not joking. She literally has no dialogue with anyone else in the film. She does not exist outside of the viewpoints of her son and husband. This is doubly interesting because apparently, when Cameron was in the film Fireproof, Noble was brought in as a “kissing double” for his romance scene, because he refused to kiss anyone except his wife, even on film. This is supposed to be charming and romantic. It is, in fact, psychotic.
  • The tagline for the film is “There’s No Quit In Family” which makes absolutely no sense. At one point, when discussing leadership, Cameron uses the phrase “like the champion of the army” which also makes no sense. This is the kind of awkwardly written, rote turn of phrase that peppers the entire film.

I wanted this to be a funny and clever review of a silly, misguided family film. That is not possible. Because there’s no value to Mercy Rule, either comedic or otherwise. It’s garbage. One hour and fifty-seven minutes of syrupy-sweet, artless, clumsily executed, fundamentalist anti-government propagandist garbage. Cameron — who is anti-choice, anti-gay rights, anti-women’s rights, anti-everything except Jesus — has ham-fistedly created a thinly veiled fundamentalist bucket of goat shit. I hate myself for watching it. I hate myself for making my wife sit through it, even though I gave her an escape hatch after 30 minutes. But she soldiered through it, which shows that regardless of what Cameron says about his lovely devoted wife, mine kicks her ass all day, every day. This is the worst thing I’ve ever done for this site. I hate everything right now, except for my wife.

In short, fuck Kirk Cameron.



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  • Photoc4js

    On FireProof, it was actually the writers and directors idea to have his wife be the kissing double...

  • lawyergirl05

    But now that you know your wife is awesome and you love her so much more, didn't Cameron do his job? I mean, isn't the film then a triumph in that respect? You actually like your wife more now. Or maybe I just feel sad for him because again, saddest birthday party ever recorded on film. That's probably what it is.

  • stella

    Maybe his wife was a ghost the whole time?

  • SaBrinaStillHatesDisqus

    I want a loop of Kirk "Ugh" Cameron getting pelted with grapefruits. Please.

    Also: Slow-motion pancake flipping?

  • "There's No Quit In Family" is the flashing light that warns you of the brain-cell genocide ahead. And worse, you just KNOW someone got a big ol' pat on the back for it. Cuz, DUDE, like, spell it out - he's RIGHT, there really ISN'T!

    However, there IS F-A-I-L in F-A-M-I-L-Y, which might dilute your message some. Also, not insignificantly.... M-I-L-F.

  • BlackRabbit

    Don't know if it was explained, but what the hell does the title of the movie mean?

  • Joe Grunenwald

    In baseball, the Mercy Rule, also known as the Run Rule, is where a game is called if one team scores so many runs that the other team cannot possibly come back. When I was in little league, it was eight runs. We got run-ruled a few times and it's a horrible feeling.

    I really thought about this a lot yesterday, and it just makes no sense as the title of this movie. I did come up with a bunch of horrible jokes about wishing for the Mercy Rule while watching the movie, though.

  • Harper

    Oooh! Life advice from Tiger Beat's favorite whore! Lemme git mah reading glasses.

    Cameron is just another hateful homophobe. He made a fortune as a kid, can't do much as an uneducated adult except spew his ridiculous "theories" and bigotry. Just shut up already! It must be exhausting to be so full of shit every day of your life.

  • Colleeeeeeeen

    Is it wrong that I still kind of want to watch it? Having clawed my way out of a Baptist upbringing, I still enjoying snickering at the silly Christians once in a while.

  • meaux_c_m

    The people enforcing environmental regulations are the bad guys? Fuck Kirk (no-goddamn-relation) Cameron! Also, TK, you are a treasure--thanks for sticking it out and giving us all a good laugh!

  • e jerry powell

    Don't fuck Kirk Cameron. Why should he have any fun?

    His pro-life production company can take a Bieber egging, I bet.

    How much money did Rick Santorum sink into this one?

  • Gunnut2600

    What about the "Left Behind" remake? Oh my god that looks like insane awesomeness.

  • wonkeythemonkey

    "At one point, there is a 10 minute scene … For 15 minutes."

    Wow, that slow motion really does play with the fabric of time, doesn't it?

  • lukebc

    I'm going out to get this thing just to watch it to see if it can match "The Eternal Jew" for utter awfulness in cinematic awfulness. Anyone that has ever had to sit through Eternal Jew will know what I'm talking about. Even if you were to strip away the vicious anti-semitism and make Eternal Jew basically a story about Winnie The Pooh, you still can't get away how gawdawful the directing and various other aspects of the movie that made Eternal Jew just an embarrassing garbage mess. Yes we know it was scumnazi hate propaganda garbage but the propagandistic "hit you over the head with it" kept making me think that even 2004s "Crash" was a masterpiece of subtlelty.

  • Zirza

    And you just know conservative bloggers are going to be blaming the bad reviews on the liberal media's bias against Christians BECAUSE IT'S ACTUALLY A GOOD MOVIE BECAUSE JESUS.

  • circuschaser

    full disclosure: I'm a devout, church-going Protestant and I disagree with 98.8% of the philosophical / political perspectives expressed on this site. I am also pretty terrible at statistics.

    This movie was recommended by a pastor I very much respect, so I took the bait and sat down with my wife and brood to see how it all held up, and I can answer the question that many of you may be asking yourselves, to wit: is it possible that I could appreciate this film if I woke up tomorrow in an unforeseen state of emotional instability and an unexpected reverence for the person and work of Jesus Christ?

    The answer is actually yes, but only if you are also a seven-year old girl with zero understanding of what it takes to tell a decent story.

    TK's review is dead-on, and he said most of the things I ended up sharing with my own wife in a long spluttery rant, although I think his wife was too generous when she suggested there's only an hour's worth of story in the 2-hour-marathon. I had estimated it at 40 minutes.

    Let me add a few points.

    Knowing, as I happen to do, that the director (Darren Doane) is first and foremost a punk rock music video director, and that the screenwriter (N.D. Wilson) is a writer of (mostly) decent children's fantasy novels helps to illuminate some of the more amateurish mistakes (telling vs showing, the 26 slow-mo music videos presented throughout, the bizarrely inconsistent cinematography, etc.), but doesn't fully explain all the problems.

    The ham-handed editing (behold, the father and son are both going thru the same thing!!! Again!! Again!!) suggests that somewhere along the way somebody decided to try and "fix" everything in post, and the paralytic pacing of the voice-overs and the roller-coaster of exposition and poetry in the dialogue suggest that the original screenplay (whatever its invisible potential merits) was possibly admired but not respected or understood.

    One scene in particular (Cameron and Hawkins standing outside the house one evening, during the Ice Cream Sundae music video), wherein they repeat the same narrative beat 4 or 5 times and finish by stripping away the possibility for any dramatic tension to accumulate and carry us into the next bit, gives every appearance of having been completely improvised on the spot while the director was looking the other way.

    It's a rare film that provides as clear a glimpse into collaborative failure as this one does, and it's tough to pin down exactly who f*cked over whom the most. The film has been promoted as Cameron's "secret project", and having seen it, I can confidently say that it ought to have remained a secret.

    By the way, Doane's also got a documentary called Collision (http://www.collisionmovie.com/... that pits Christopher Hitchens against a pastor in a kind of traveling debate. It's pretty even-handed and not a bad watch.

  • TK

    This is just the best comment ever. Thanks.

  • lowercase_ryan

    5 words...

    H. D. T. G. M.

    Clager is with me.

  • Mrs. Julien

    How did this get made?

  • lowercase_ryan

    Yup

  • bcarter3

    After the beautiful job TK did in dissecting this film, it's sort of like kicking a brain-dead horse to point out another piece of idiocy, but one line jumped out at me:

    "At one point, Cameron’s character says that he’s proud of never taking a
    government subsidy, “like God and George Washington intended.”

    Years ago, Marvin Kitman wrote a wonderfully funny book called "George Washington's Expense Account". During the Revolutionary War, Washington volunteered to serve without salary, for expenses only. He eventually billed the government for $449,000.

    From the Accounting Information website:

    (http://www.accountingin.com/ac...

    "The sum of $449,000 may at first appear exorbitant when compared to the
    $48,000 General Washington would have been paid had he been compensated for eight years of service like other patriot generals. However, to begin to remotely appreciate the significance of the remuneration, one
    must compare the expense account to what it is worth in today’s buying
    power. Those Continental dollars that Washington was requesting were
    much harder currency than we have today. Continental money had a nice
    ring to it. Whether we use the conservative scale of appreciation — say
    10 times the 1969 dollar (or 35 times the 1989 dollar) — or the
    Galbraithean scale of 50 times, we are talking about millions, according
    to Kitman."

    "However, when he offered to serve for expenses only after his election
    as first President, Congress promptly turned George Washington down
    flat."

  • BlackRabbit

    I salute your excellent taste in reading, but I hate that you mentioned that book before I could.

  • ZombieNurse

    I love Jesus, but I can't stand Kirk Cameron. It embarrasses me that this joker is the predominate public face of a faith I practice.

  • Wednesday

    They say shared trauma either makes or breaks a marriage, TK. I think you owe Mr. Cameron, say, an Edible Arrangement, for giving you and the Mrs. something non-lethal to bring you closer together.

  • "Dear Kirk, eat fruit and die" just doesn't have the same ring to it, though.

  • Salieri2

    Send him some bananas. I hear they prove creationism.

  • Here's the thing: do even fundamentalist, conservative, "no gubmint 'round here, so speak English!" real 'Mericans find this even remotely interesting or entertaining?

    Or do they pay it lip service to keep their red white and blue credentials valid while they go pay $15 to go see that heathen pinko product made by the leftist Hollywood elite machine known as Robocop?

  • lukebc

    If good ol murcan english was good enough for jesus, then by golly it's good nuff for me!

  • apocalipstick

    As an adjunct member of said subculture, parents with children between 12-17 glom onto this stuff like crazy. It's the sub-demo of those who remember "Growing Pains" from their youth who now have kids. They are terrified that those kids are gonna have sex (like mom and dad most likely did; the stats for "True Love Waits" make DARE look like a foolproof program) and they never developed any ability to determine good from bad anyway; if they weren't watching this, they'd be watching something "mainstream" that was just awful. Most of these people aren't dramatically or artistically aware enough to appreciate "The Big Bang Theory," let alone "Community" or "Justified" or "Sherlock."

  • Tyler Brown

    Last line of the review says it all.

  • dilwazr

    This is, hands down, the absolute best movie review I have ever read.

  • Harper

    "20 minutes into the film, we wanted to die. ". That speaks volumes.

  • I'm still partial to the "Footloose" remake review. To me, it's the perfect encapsulation of the Pajiba experience. Someone feel free to look up the link and post it, as I'm to lazy to be bothered to do so . ;-P

  • PerpetualIntern

    I think that's still my favorite Pajiba review of all time.

  • Mrs. Julien
  • Thanks, Mrs J. Knew I could count on you! :-)

  • Mrs. Julien

    Try this one by TK -

    http://www.pajiba.com/film_rev...

    ETA: Or this one by Dustin. It was my very first Pajiba experience way back in March 2007*.

    http://www.pajiba.com/film_rev...

    *For anniversary present considerations: I enjoy Amazon gift cards, antimacassars, and Daniels Craig.

  • bastich

    And you deserve all of them...although I've never understood what you have against macassars....

  • Mrs. Julien

    It stains the horsehair upholstery.

  • gelis

    This review puts me in mind of Mark Twain's Fenimore Cooper's Literary Offenses. Glorious.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    MY DREAMS COME TRUE.

    I think, watching this with an SO, I would've engaged in protest by committing some form of sodomy while it was on. But I imagine it's a rather boner-killing movie.

  • BobbFrapples

    Blurgh. I want to see the slow motion pancake scene set to some over the top opera piece. 'Cause art!

  • bleujayone

    Sounds more like Food Porn to me.

  • Yeah, I wasn't thinking so much opera as "Sadeness (Part I)." Damn Now I want breakfast.

  • bleujayone

    You do realize you're going to have to make this up to her tenfold. And even then it will forever be her right to pull this day out of her quiver during any argument you might have with her.

    You won't be able to go to a jeweler and purchase a sparkly bauble to get yourself out of this hole. Nononono. For starters because anyone who can march through gauntlet of this kind is not going to be swayed by a simple monetary compensation. You owe her. Like if she gave you one of her kidneys owe her. I would suggest a weekend at sleepy bed & breakfast followed by a chauffeuring to anywhere of her choice without argument, concluded with a return to a home that was not only deep cleaned from top to bottom while you were away, but the bathroom walls are finally painted in the color she was pushing for with matching towels. And that's just the introductory for what you're really going to do to make it up to her.

    Hey... By the way, is it just me or is the way Cameron is portrayed on that poster more appropriate for smashing stolen malfunctioning office equipment to the beats of Geto Boys' "Die Mother Fucker"?

  • Mrs. Julien

    The women in the film serve no purpose other than support roles.
    Literally all they do is offer dutiful support to their husbands/brothers/fathers. That’s it.

    So some elements are directly comparable to more mainstream cinema?

  • To be fair, in mainstream cinema the women are often also there to have their bodies exploited.

  • logan

    Which is why mainstream cinema is better!

  • TK

    Fuckin' ZING, Mrs. J.

  • Mrs. Julien

    “it isn’t all grapefruit fights and laughing at the table

    Who knew this movie would have something in common with The Grifters?

    I am taking the existence of this review as proof that deep down, way
    deep down, under layers of sediment, shale, fossilized Ewoks, and magma, you love us, TK

  • bastich

    Is it love, or is it a lost coin toss? How do the Overlords decide who reviews which movie, anyway? Drawn straws? Drinking contests? Knife fights?

  • Captain_Tuttle

    Dumb question: are these grapefruit segments, or whole grapefruits? Either way, it seems like bad parenting. If it's segments, you're getting citrus juice in eyes or cuts, which would hurt like a mofo. If it's whole grapefruits, then why not just peg softballs at the kids? Same effect, with less cleanup.

  • Scooter

    I watched Fireproof when it first came out. My husband is a fireman and I had heard from a few people that I should watch the movie. I have literally never hated a movie so much in my life! I was so pissed off that I wasted my time watching that piece of garbage!

  • Kane Leal

    Is it worse than "The Room"?

  • bleujayone

    "I did naht make her watch dis movie. It's naht troo. It's boolshit. I did naht make her. I did NAHT. Oh, hi Mark."

  • TK

    It's worse than everything.

  • Joe Grunenwald

    I bet there's not even one tuxedo football scene!

  • Joe Grunenwald

    The lens flares represent the blinding light of Jesus. LET THE SCALES FALL FROM YOUR EYES, TK.

  • lowercase_ryan

    Jesus Christ is ashamed of how you're holding the bat Kirk!!!

  • Jim

    "A" - If you'd made the tag line "THEY'RE NOT QUITE A FAMILY" it'd have been an "A+"

  • JJ

    "How dare you! I've never taken a government handout in my whole life! Now if you'll excuse us, my son and I need drive on these city-owned and maintained roads over to the city-owned and maintained baseball fields to play in his city-sponsored youth baseball league."

  • Mrs. Julien

    Seen at my town's public library...

  • manting

    I wonder if the person knows who built, maintains, and runs the public libraries?

  • Guest

    ...

  • Mrs. Julien

    I think I said aloud, "Said the person currently using a government service".

  • dizzylucy

    I so badly want to carry around a pack of post-its and leave little notes pointing out things like that.

  • Mrs. Julien

    You could pre-print them with, "Oh, the irony."

  • JJ

    If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

  • Afferbeck

    Maybe they made this movie so Christians can watch it as like a penance for your sins type thing? Instead of ten 'Hail Mary's' you get 'half a Mercy Rule'.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Don't you bring them crazy Baptists/Evangelicals into our good wholesome Catholicism. We Catholics make tortured, hard-drinking, philandering art.

  • Afferbeck

    I don't know about all the different splinter cells of christianity, but I'm pretty sure belief in the same or similar zombie carpenter is universal. That's about the extent of my knowledge.

  • Bert_McGurt

    "There is also more lens flare than an Abrams Star Trek movie. However, it’s done so artlessly that most of the lens-flarey shots are just blinding light, obscuring almost everything on the screen. It’s baffling."

    Perhaps it's God's Light, attempting to helpfully obscure His boy's ineptitude?

  • idiosynchronic

    You're being somewhat - ironic, sarcastic? - but yes, seriously, that's what the filmakers' were trying to achieve. JJ's eye hurts are, "God's favor in our lives". I shit you not. It's simply a style of filmmaking that's currently fashionable right now, but devout Christian artists feel they have to justify these choices to their audiences.

    For their total belief in an inerrant collection of startling poetry and prose, how is it that these meatheads seem unable to create great works of art or even subtle metaphors? It's like the edge of creativity is cut away from their souls with an acetylene torch. 500 years ago, Christian evangelicals and deeply pious artists throughout Western Europe created much of the classical fine art we cherish today.

  • Well, that's part of the problem: Too many Fundamentalists don't think of the bible as the product of (divinely inspired) human creativity. They think God's the only creative one, and never strive to develop their own talents—the sit around and wait for God to trigger something. And of course God doesn't work that way. That's why the Catholics make amazing art, and Fundies make Left Behind and Thomas Kinkade paintings.

  • idiosynchronic

    I know a few Christian artists who'd flip out at being accused of "not developing their talents" but I know that's not what you mean. They're not developing their expression because it's in a box - a very carefully designed box that looks like it's not there if you only look at it from certain angles and approved points of view.

  • Well, I was speaking of Fundamentalists. But even the non-Fundies suffer from that inside-the-box thinking. I know a few Christian authors whose books won't get stocked by major Christian bookstores, or musicians who can't get signed to a label, simply because they dare to venture outside the box. All I can say is, thank God for Amazon.

  • My honest to God reaction at seeing the link (not the byline, not the picture, JUST THE LINK):

    "TK...TK... TK...TK...(click on link)...EEEEEEEE!!!!!!!"

    Now I am gonna read it.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    You didn't really go into detail about the scoring on this one which was somewhat disappointing. I was hoping that you'd tell us that the song playing during the closing credits was that one by Ministry and that it really tied the whole movie together. You know the one? Jesus Built My Scrapyard?

  • Genevieve Burgess

    Even after reading this I can't shake the vaguely menacing impression I get from the way Cameron is holding that bat in the poster. Like, it's not casual enough of a pose to just be like "Just hanging out, with my bat, like you do" because of the way he's kind of grimacing down at the camera. That, the angle of the shot, and the "there's no quit in family" tagline make me think there's a far more interesting movie being advertised here where a brainwashed family supports their unbalanced father as he pummels unsuspecting neighbors and acquaintances with a bat.

  • Repo

    It's got a whole Office Space beat down of the printer vibe to it, doesn't it?

  • Fabius_Maximus

    I think it's the outfit. He looks like he's channeling Reservoir Dogs.

  • Berry

    At first glance, I thought it was some kind of firearm.

  • Written and directed by Jamie Casino

    http://sports.cbsimg.net/image...

  • Al Borland's Beard

    Grapefruits? Who the fuck throws around grapefruits at one another?

    Oh well, this movie is going to kill at the Christian Oscars, where Cameron will also receive the lifetime achievement award, which is actually just one of those footprints in the sand pictures.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    It's also rather wasteful. Isn't that against Christian values?

  • eveevev

    Right? I thought the only thing they wasted was the environment.

  • Kane Leal

    Weirdly, my friends and I did when I had a couple of grapefruit trees in my back yard as a teen. The fruit were no longer edible, so we played baseball with them and threw them at each other. Sounds goofy but it managed to get some of the girls into situations where they needed to change clothes, or strip down to bikinis, so it was a win as far as we were concerned.

  • BlackRabbit

    I'm just sad that I can't come up with a clever quip about "fruits" and girls undressing.

  • dizzylucy

    But...did you laugh at the table???

  • bleujayone

    That would be just cruel. What did the table ever do to you to deserve such ridicule? Next I suppose you're going to guffaw at the ottoman.

  • Pixel_Perfect

    No! You can't do that to me! You made me snicker at my computer screen, now it's going to get a complex.

  • Finance_Nerd

    Apples are the fruit to be used for sinning. Haven't you read the bible? You do not use the noble grapefruit to defraud girls out of their clothes. Grapefruit fights are for families. How dare you sir. HOW DARE YOU!

  • Sara_Tonin00

    This comment is made even better by the fact that I'm hearing it in Fry's voice, right down to the squinting eyes at the end.

  • bleujayone

    And we won't get into the purpose of bananas again...

  • Finance_Nerd

    Bananas are a gateway fruit into the discussion of monkeys and evolution. That heretic Bill Nye shall get his comeuppance this evening -

    http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetw...

  • PDamian

    Ooh! Ooh! I know this one! To teach impressionable kids how to put on condoms, right?

    (Well, that's how my high school used them ...)

  • Erin S

    I for one plan on adding "It's not all grapefruit fights and laughing at the table" to my everyday dialogue. I eagerly await the "What the fuck did you just say?" looks I will receive.

  • meadowdancer

    I honestly just feel sad. I was a kid when Growing Pains was about to end or was almost ending and I loved the Michael Seaver character. What the heck happened to Kirk Cameron to turn him into this thing???? I remember seeing behind the t.v. show Growing Pains on E once back in the day and the creator or writer or whomever he was said when Kirk became born again he became a PITA to deal with on set.

  • eveevev

    He did become born again at about the age begin having mental illness...

  • apocalipstick

    I sometimes wonder if he didn't have a tiny glimmer of self-awareness such that he knew he did not deserve the fame and money that had come his way ("deserve" in the sense of possessing the talents and skills commensurate with his TigerBeat presence, not a moral state) and that said glimmer was the entry point for the "conviction" of the "Spirit," which immediately (and this happens; I've seen it) allowed him to jump from "Maybe I'm not really this good" to "Ah, I have seen the light! No more uncertainty for me! I know what is right and I must make sure that you know as well."

    Dime-store psychology, but that's about all his talent deserves. Interesting insight into Cameron can be found on Fred Clark's Slacktivist blog at Patheos.

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