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The Ballad of Eating Yoko

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | May 17, 2010 | Comments ()

By Figgy | Eloquent Eloquence | May 17, 2010 |


phoenix.jpg

So I had an awesome weekend, how about you guys? We ate a gigantic lunch at Chuy's with margaritas included, then walked over to the Starbucks and bought some iced lattes like the most perfect hipsters. It ended with a trip to the grocery store where I bought a lot of things I didn't need. And it was really really hot and I complained about the heat a lot before coming back to my lovely A/C'd apartment. They should just make me an American already.

Speaking of too hot outside, I hadn't even left the damn apartment in a week. I mean, I would, but I have no car and I'm a complete wuss when it comes to walking in the heat (born in the tropics, my ass) and besides Dallas is really big and you need a car to get anywhere. And it's only May, for crying out loud. Next month I'll turn into a puddle in an instant, like that one Wonder Twin. Shape of...useless glop of water!

Point is, it's very hot and I'm still full from lunch, and it's Sunday night but I AM SO EXCITED FOR THIS WEEK. And you know why? Oh yeah. "Lost" finale, baby. It'll be the end of a goddamn era and it's very sad to see just how excited I am, but that's all I can think of at the moment. Tuesday is the pre-party with pizza and tequila, Sunday is the motherfrakkin end of it all and I think my plan will be to get as drunk as possible so I won't be furious by the end. That could work, right?

And before we get to the list, I'm gingerly putting the EE in gp's, er, capable hands for this week. I might regret this, but this will be a pretty hectic week for me and I need a break. Anyway, if he gets all uppity do me a favor and comment a LOT with spelling corrections and bitching about how this site has changed because boy do we love that around here! Almost as much as Heigl or Michael Baynis.

But no, really, be nice to him and smokin or I'll come get you.

To start off, The Man (Dustin, clearly) sent me a new comment on an old post that we can't help but point out because of how awesome it is.

10.5 A new comment has been posted on your blog Pajiba, on entry #6967 (Kate Beckinsale to Do Underworld 4).

I had the misfortune to stumble on this site. I guess I am one of the dumbasses that love the Underworld movies. So all I have to say to you is eat a big pile of shit you fucking cock jockey. I am sure you can find some there is a ton of it streamming out of your mouth.

P.S. FUCK YOU.

As for Kate. I am a true fan and not of just your ass. You have been great in everything I have ever seen you in. It is just to bad that people like this aftermath of a rabid dog cluster fuck does't have anything better to do than wine about other people and what they can do.

P.S.P.S. Man you are a DICK!!!!!!!
--Adam D

[HAAAAAAAAAAA! Oh man I LOVE it when random assholes stumble onto us from Google and are so deeply offended by the posts. I LOVE it. It's like a terribly addictive drug and I want more. So if you ever go to an old post and see an awesome comment like this show up, please let me know. I'd truly appreciate it. P.S: NO, FUCK YOU! HAAAA!]

10. A friend and I once discovered a website of erotic fan fiction all about Russell Crowe and all written by a middle aged woman who designs backgrounds for the cat cages used at cat shows. She was the female protagonist in every story. --sheshakesak

[Was her name Stephenie Meyer?]

[On "Cleavagefield":]

9. What the HELL did I just watch? Is that a show? A spoof? A film school project?

a female audience who apparently prefer the illusion of a plot line.

Know why women watch porno's all the way to the end?

To see if the characters get married! --Lindsey with an 'e'

[PORN BABIES!!! Wait...that doesn't sound right...]

[*Ahem* This next one's about the 'Babies' review:]

8. Let David Lynch remake this. The bone on the ground is a woolly mammoth's. Shots of the yoga circle will be intercut with crop circles, fly-covered doughnuts and disembodied hands. Laura Dern will brood on the park bench as a cello solo swells. The Mongolian baby will develop stigmata that spells out "Ghengis Khan". The baby goat will be named Bob. In the final shot, we see that the babies, crawling along the steps of the Louvre, have been zombie-fied. OR DO WE? --ALR

7. Joaquin Phoenix's mockumentary details don't even phase me.

Constantly exposing himself? Of course.

People shitting on his unconscious body? It'd be pretty ridiculous without it.

Getting sunburns just so he can peel and eat his own skin? It makes him immortal. Don't be dense.

Telling people he's qutting acting while acting in an actumentary? Yep.

Injecting bleach into his tonsils? Where else is gonna put it?! --Kballs

[really, what an amateur.]

6. Also, I fucking love Russia.

I love it.

I want to learn Russian so bad and people keep being all 'bitch you'll never learn Russian, it's a different alphabet, all cyrillic and shit, you cant learn that!' and I'm all 'shut up cocksuckers I can too learn me some Russian and I will straight fucking murder all of you if you get in my way' and they get all 'whoah dude, calm down, i was just trying to keep you ground' and I get all 'Shut the fuck up you dipshit. I know where you live. I know where you SLEEP. I will come to your house in the night and eat your children'

and they get all 'What the HELL dude?!' and I get all 'Do I look like I'm kidding? DO I LOOK LIKE I'M KIDDING' and then I grab my axe.And then they back off and I go back to my learnin. --Nadine

[Just between us? I think Nadine is kuh-ra-zee. I love it.]

5. Okay, gotta chime in here. I haven't really liked a sitcom since "Cheers" originally aired. I am a proud fanboy. And *I* watch "Big Bang Theory". Basically because I looked myself in the mirror one day and said "Y'know you're not watching ENOUGH television. Go find yourself a sitcom that speaks to you so well, you can overlook all of the tropes of the formula and enjoy the nerdity of it all."

Seriously, advanced science degrees aside, I've had friends exactly like those characters since college. Don't quite know how to feel about that, but there it is. --Green Lantern

Oh, there you go spouting off about your friends with "advanced degrees" again. Bah, I say! BAH!

You're the monkey they throw into test jets so that when they explode they're not losing anyone of value.

Dick. --Sinestro

[Oh man I love these two.]

4. They are going about Transformers 3 all wrong with the huge explosions and exotic locales and whatnot. All you really need in these movies is to have Optimus Prime, Starscream, and Megatron speaking to each other in mighty proclamations with bass-shaking reverb in their voices. Everything they say is awesome.

OPTIMUS: MEGATRON, YOUR DISHES ARE IN THE SINK. AGAIN.

MEGATRON: STARSCREAM WAS TO EMPTY THE DISWASHER. {Megatron blasts Starscream through the wall, through the wall of the next door apartment, through ANOTHER wall, and sends him careening into a GM billboard. Hold on GM logo for 10 seconds.}

STARSCREAM: {Picking himself up.} APOLOGIES GREAT MEGATRON!

MEGATRON: YOU'VE FAILED ME AGAIN.

OPTIMUS: THE SINK. IT IS STILL FULL. IT IS THE RIGHT OF ALL SENTIENT BEINGS TO HAVE A ROOMMATE DO THEIR FAIR SHARE.

And...scene. --TylerDFC

[The next is a series of comments from the post about Beatle Zombies here: ]

3. "(Will You Still Feed on Me) When I'm 64?" -sansho1

Eleanor Rigor-mortis
I Saw Her Standing There (Eating My Best Friend's Arm)
I Want To Hold Your Hand (And Eat It)
You'll Be Mine (Specifically, Your Brains) --stardust

Ate Brains All Week --meaux

* Unlurks*

While My Brain Stem Gently Bleeds
You're Gonna Lose That Brain
Another Ghoul
I've Just Had A Face
The Long & Winding Intestine
Maniacal Mystery Tour
The Ghoul On The Hill
All You Need Is Spleen
Date Ripper
The Ballad Of Eating Yoko
I'm Only Feeding
If I Needed Some Lung

* Returns to lurking* --Uriah Creep

[lurkers are the best.]

2. What that giggle-gut with his box office soote.

The draughte of revenue hath perced to the Oscar.

And bad-mouthed every junket of swine latitiude

Of which has-been engendered is the flop.

Oh, overwrought period dramas: you flay me! --Jo 'Mama' Besser

[Our #1 this week is a tie, because I could not for the life of me decide which one of these was my favorite. So decide for yourself, but I'm putting them both up here because I love them so much.

The first comes from the Zombie Beatles thread:]

1. Yesterday
Yesterday
You complained that someone bit your leg
Now I'm wishing I was Simon Pegg
And that was only yesterday
Suddenly
I just noticed that you're looking green
I think you might want to chew my spleen
Oh, you came at me suddenly
Why you tried to bite
Me, don't know; you didn't say
I grabbed my shotgun
And just blew your head away

Yesterday

Then, you didn't want to eat my brains
Zombiepocalypse is here to stay
Oh, how I long for yesterday --Jelinas

[The second is just...so short but so perfect:]

1. Any ideas for the name of a show about middle-aged women preying on young smooth boys like me?

Pajiba? --MelBivDevoe

****

YES! YES! This is what Pajiba is all about people! And I know I say that a lot but Pajiba is a lot of things! Poems! Songs! Zombies! Dirty, awesome women! Hot young men! Lots of exclamation points AAAAH!

So congratulations to both Jelinas and MelBivDevoe for their fantastic contributions. You both win a crown and scepter and lots of glitter for your hair. Let's celebrate by sipping fruity drinks served by hot cabana boys, eh? That's the only way.

Alright, so I'll see you lot in a couple of weeks. Be specially awesome for gp and don't behave. For the Losties out there, I'll see you on Wednesday's thread. I'm not ashamed to say I moved a doctor's appointment around so I could comment at my leisure.

OK, I'm a little ashamed. But don't tell anyone.

Figgy is a displaced Honduran living in Dallas, TX. She can't think of anything witty to write here, but you can read her blog if you have nothing better to do.


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