It Doesn't Help That You Are a Thumbhead!
By | Posted Under Eloquent Eloquence | Comments (22)
Boy, what a week. This ain’t my first EE Rodeo but you folks knocked me out. I had over thirty different comments that could’ve fit in here but I could only pick the ten. If I had my way, you’d all be number one.
But a quick week in review — We found out that Vermillion and Superasente are the Bilbo and Gollum of Pajiba, after that vigorous Riddle Competition.
There was a whole bunch of comments about flickin’ your beans but, with no offense to Doctor P, I completely understand how Figgy can get tired of you folks and your fapping.
I also have to mention the Five Most Inexplicably Inspirational ’80s Soundtrack Anthems. If you left early, you really should swing by again. Julie and Figgy got out of control and they had to be put down. It can’t be summarized with one comment. The whole thread deserves a big gold star.
Lastly, most of you don’t often see the remnants of a comment section. After the bones have been picked clean and the doors thrown open to let nature reclaim it. That’s when the spambots and the confused teenagers reign. I study their culture from the outside and watch as the Spambots get smarter, and the teens get dumber. You should consider an archeological visit to one of these pages.
I digress. It’s comment time.
10. Speaking of advertising, I love how the BreakMedia thing is all “We Know Guys!”, when the majority of people on here, the people they’re trying to advertise to … are women.
Pajiba’s not a sausage factory. It’s a bush farm. - Lauren
9. I haven’t even read this yet. I’m too freaked out by the reappearance of the football-headed monkey boy who is a top-secret citrus smuggler. Ugh. - MyySharona
The Shia of the Beef pic got a really negative reaction around here. But that one was my favorite.
8. Here’s my thing:
SOMEDAY, male directors will stop writing and producing and directing stories whose soundtracks could basically be a beat poet whispering “RAPE-ITY RAPE RAPE RAPE-ITY RAPE RAPE.” On that day, I will rejoice. This just in: raping all (or any) of the ladies in your story does not make you edgy, nor does it make that particular story particularly meaningful. So stop fucking doing it unless it’s in the service of a better story.
Until then, get back, foul beast of a movie. - Erin B.
That’s the truth. And here’s another true statement, for Agent Bedhead-
7. For your ability to endure an endless stream of shitty family films, they will one day speak of you in hushed tones around the campfire, to push back, if only briefly, the cloying veil of evil surrounding the tribe on the darkest nights of the year. - laredo
6. Just showed this to my 92yr old grandmother and it only served to strengthen her seemingly long-held belief that “the gays” is a purely American phenomenon. Yup, that’s right. No gays here in Central Europe, not counting the imported kind we tolerate for their tourist dollars… Next week on “Omi in da Haus”: How sitting on public toilet seats causes AIDS and why every word should have at least one Umlaut… - cinekat
Gotta show love to International readers. Plus, I’m spreading Omi awareness. Grandmothers are one thing, but Omies are a unique breed.
5. 5. It’s called First Class but it might end up just being Coach . Thank you, I’ll be here all week. Try the veal. - Odnon
I make no apologies for my love of puns.
4. Satan didn’t misspell “Pedofiles.” That’s a new show from TLC.- Slash
3. I will never get people who have no problem with people being beaten and hurt, but just can’t take seeing an animal in pain. RACE TRAITORS. - DP
This had to be a joke. But a good point was made, even if I’m not any better. Dug’s Cone of Shame bummed me out more than Carl’s dead wife.
In the same vein of misplaced love, here is an ode to an ultimately useless product-
2. I love you iPad. Never leave me. Even if the world thinks I’m a sucker for buying you right when you came out, I don’t care. They don’t know the depth of our love. It’s a love that dare not speak its name.
Remember how the other night I slid you out of your protective cover, just so you could smell some fresh air? And then I tried to get you drunk, but then I realized you and liquids don’t mix so well? That was so lol.
You and me, iPad. Let’s stay together. - stopthemadness
Such tenderness towards an inanimate object deserves a spot on my list. And there’s a sigh of longing for the way things used to be in the phrase “That was so lol.”
And now for the grand prize winner, and this was almost too obvious-
1. Observing Christina Hendricks’ tits in zero gravity, all processes around them slow down causing emitted light to appear redder and dimmer, an effect known as gravitational bonershift.
Should anything cross the sweaterpuppy horizon, it becomes impossible for an object to move along any path than one that moves toward the center, the cleavagetational singularity. - D-Day
****
Bam! Boobs and Quasi-Science. You see, D-Day, Back where I come from, we have universities, seats of great learning, where men go to become great thinkers. And when they come out, they think deep thoughts with no more brains than you have. But they have one thing you haven’t got: A Diploma in Quantum Boobology.
It also comes with a card for your wallet that says “Federal Boob Inspector.” I hope you don’t take this title lightly.
As for the rest of you, keep commenting! Do it even more than usual! Figgy will be back from her vacation and there’s no welcoming party greater than hundreds and hundreds of comments. (She’ll HATE it)
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Comments
Posted by: Tracer Bullet at June 14, 2010 12:37 PM
Hey, goddammit! A bribe is a contract and should be respected as such. Where's my Whoopin' Stick?