Eloquent Eloquence 02/25/10

The PajibOlympics

By Figgy | Posted Under Eloquent Eloquence | Comments (167)

Welcome to the last week of February, my Pajiba crazies. The Olympics are almost over and I think we can safely say that this has been The Wipeout Championships, with each country trying to outdo each other in the big splat-failure categories. But it’s part of why we watch, isn’t it? When a competition gets a little boring you’re still holding out for someone to wipe out and fall spectacularly on their asses—while also hoping they’re OK, because damn those falls look painful. Or maybe that’s just me, because I’m kind of an evil little imp sometimes. I know I’ll be sad when it’s over.

That’s about all I’ve got today. I’m in a bit of a funk because of yet another cold spell that invaded Dallas and I’m about to hit the sack after drinking a heavy dose of cold medicine. And aha! I’ll be pretty busy this week what with overhauling the apartment and other such dealios, so I’m looking for a volunteer to take over the EE for next week. I think I had a line of candidates but I honestly just forgot it, so if you want to take a shot at it, leave a comment.

So! The list! In honor of the Olympics, today I shall award medals in an attempt to be far more clever than I really am.

****

10. CNN is all over the Toyota guys apologizing for their crappy cars, and let me tell you, I’ve never seen such low standards of personal accountability. This world is going to hell in a Prius. Whatever happened to the good old days when Japanese leaders who fucked up fell on their swords? That would make great TV, preferably after they mock Congress:

“OUR brakes? Who are YOU to question us? When are YOU fucks gonna put the brakes on your out-of-control spending, huh? HUH? Japan just bought a bunch of T-bills from the Chi-coms and now we OWN your ass. Fuck YOU.”

AIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAA!

*bloody executive falls on floor* -,

[To the representative from UniballTopia, we award the Tin Medal]

9. Because we’re never going to have the pleasure of seeing the actual cast of “Jersey Shore” die from dysentery, here they are on the Oregon Trail.

You’d think that dysentery would be the least of their medical concerns, what with trying to caulk every wagon that rolls by. —branded

[To the competitor from the great country of Ew-Gross-Nia, we award the Aluminum Medal]

8. He looks like a crescent moon, doesn’t he? —Jo ‘Mama’ Besser

[To the outstanding athlete competing in the noble sport of Things to Compare Jay Leno To, we award the Brass Medal]

7. Did you know that Kirsten Dunst’s name anagrams to “Dr. Sunkentits”?

The more you know! —Stoat(Cat)

[The representative of ShortandSweetia receives the Zinc Medal]

6. Oh, Phil, we as a community apologize for our mainstream tastes. We, like the rest of the world, operate under the assumption that if something is popular and critically acclaimed, it must be bad. Only undiscovered gems like Glitter that were panned and nobody went to see are worth our time. It’s no use having an interesting discussion about a smart, beautiful, entertaining movie when we could be offbeat and quirky.

We hipsters are such misanthropes and society-phobes that we believe that Popular and Excellent are mutually exclusive. Therefore, the next feature in the Pajiba Movie Club will be Barbarella: Queen of the Galaxy.

/bitch

-esme

[The independent and fiery country of KidsTheseDaysistan is awarded the Copper Medal]

5. Everytime I see that picture of Jonah Hill, I wonder what went thru his mind…
Let see, I’m schlubby with a really bad jewfro, what can I do to look more attractive…. Hmmm… I know, grow a huge patch of ass grass on my three chins. That should do it! —Drake

[After an outstanding performance in the field of Making Fun of Really Ugly People With Bad Facial Hair, Draketonia receives an Iron Medal]

4. Nadine—reminds me of a tough old raccoon we took to naming “Clint” because it would hold us hostage in the house by planting itself on the porch and staring us down through the door. Nothing would compel that bitch to move.

My sister still has nightmares about the squirrels at her old dorm; someone started feeding them, and they went from cute to nasty in no time. God help you if you didn’t have food for them when you left; they’d latch onto your pant legs and draw blood.

I have these tiny ones at my house now that have taken over the barn, and they drive away other animals ten times their size, and chatter at me when I dare to enter what they consider their domain. My favorite moment to date—they would use a hole in the barn wall to leap into a nearby tree, and one day as I was riding by on the tractor, one launched itself right past my face. Our eyes locked as he flew by, and the level of hostility in that little beady-eyed face was unreal. He made it clear that my days were numbered. —DeadBessie

[The now-obliterated nation of DeadBessieny receives the postmortem Medal of Steel]

3. He’s also going to star in a romcom where he’s a dentist who’s secretly blind and falls in love with his heroin addicted receptionist, who happens to be deaf. I heard he had an action movie coming out where he’s a soldier who had his arms chopped off by the Taliban while fighting in Afghanistan. He goes rogue, has his stumps fitted for chainsaws and goes all Evil Dead on their terrorist asses.

There’s a new thriller coming out where he’s been stranded on an island with the entire crew of a 17th century pirate ghost ship. They have his girlfriend and he has to exorcise the entire crew before they put their cold, clammy, undead boners in her.

Seriously… we should make this a sport! —Roaddog

[Roaddog receives the Bronze Medal for Achievement in Predicting What Nicolas Cage’s Next Project Will Be. If he/she turns out to be right, Cage shall be thrown off a cliff]

2. I love these shows! I actually have more respect for Ghost Hunters since they seem (or used to anyways) to at least be willing to say that the weird noise from down the hall might not be a ghost or that a house might NOT be haunted.

As for Most Haunted, those people are so silly. I always imagine that there might actually be a ghost in the places that the investigators are in, but they are being so spastic that they don’t notice them.

I imagine the poor ghost, following the investigators around, knocking stuff over, whispering in ears, and waving it’s hands in front of their eyes — all for nothing. However, when a pen falls out of someone’s pocket, the investigators lose their shit.

*MH (Most Haunted Lady)- Omygawdomygawd! Did you hear that? I felt something touch my leg! SOMETHING TOUCHED MY LEG!

*Ghost - Um…you dropped your pen.

*MH- Omygawdomygawd, I feel the spirit of the murdered woman standing next to me!

Can you hear me spirit?

*Ghost - Seriously, lady, you dropped your pen.

*MH- She’s trying to talk to me! -ahem- You touched me just now, can you do it again? Can you make a noise? Can you touch me again?

*Ghost- Lady, I’m non-corporal…I can’t touch shit. I wasn’t even murdered! I fell down the… OK, you know what, why am I explaining? This bitch can’t even hear me.

*MH- I FELT IT AGAIN! OK, if you are there, can you move this pen I just found on the floor? Was this your pen? This pen that says “Most Haunted” on the side? This was your pen, wasn’t it? You want me to stop touching your pen?

*Ghost - -facepalm- Fuck this noise. I’m going to Meatloaf’s house. —ZombieNurse

[In an incredibly close contest, the representative of Zombie Hospitaltochia is awarded the Silver Medal. They were just barely nudged aside by our winner, who achieved victory by a margin of eightysixteenfive hundredths of a second! Because that is totally a real number!]

1. I have never followed the pitter patter of the shit twitter, but I am still certain the Shat shall shine. There has to be a tongue twister in here somewhere.
Shatner shall shout shitty schtick like that twitterer twitted shitty twits ‘till Shatner’s spiel spawns shitty spin-off twittered tweets. —Cindy

******

AND CINDYTOPIA TAKES THE GOLD MEDAL! WOOO! WOOOOO! THE CROWD GOES WIIIIIIIIILD!!!! A GREAT DAY FOR AMERICA! CSA! CSA! *

*Cindytopia States of Awesome, not Confederate States of America.

And upon revision, the judges have decided that the Gold Medal was won by a landslide, based on pure genius in the face of, um, great danger and stuff. She wins a pot of petunias and the acclaim of the PajibOlympic participants. Which means everyone here, because we are all winners. Congratulations, Cindy!

So we come to the end of the PajibOlympics. Hope you enjoyed, and please excuse my limited knowledge of metals. At least I haven’t had hairplugs put in like a certain announcer whose name rhymes with Schmob Schmostas. Thank you, Canada! Figs out!

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Comments

*raises hand*

I'll do the EE's. But who am I kidding, you'd never pick me.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at February 25, 2010 12:42 PM

Yay for Cindy!!! I'm your loyal subject

*bows*

Posted by: Bizarro Sofía at February 25, 2010 12:45 PM

Congrats Cindy! You see, The Shat always comes up gold!

Posted by: admin at February 25, 2010 12:58 PM

Wow! My first Olympics and I win the gold? This Thursday just keeps getting better.

Thanks Figgy!!!

Posted by: Cindy at February 25, 2010 1:12 PM

Ooh, I think Deist should do it. A little patriot blood to nourish the tree of liberty. I think the coarse demographic deserves a voice.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at February 25, 2010 1:17 PM

Sure. DB has the delicate sensibilities and general aversion to the prurient and obscene necessary for the job. (cough)

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at February 25, 2010 1:29 PM

Anyone else wish that A&E would have Paranormalympics?

Posted by: katie at February 25, 2010 1:30 PM

Wow, DB as EE editor for a week? How much fun would that be? He would certainly bring a different and damned sure entertaining approach to the process.

Posted by: Spender at February 25, 2010 1:31 PM

I always love EE but I have to say, I missed DeadBessie's comment the first time around and that just made me laugh til I cried. Fuckin squirrels.

Posted by: Even Stevens at February 25, 2010 1:32 PM

Great job, Cindy! That was actually very impressive.

I too think Deist should give it a try. His ~~boundless rage~~ passive nature would be like a ~~tsunami of pain~~ refreshing breeze and would make for some interesting EEs.

Posted by: Snath at February 25, 2010 1:34 PM

Like Prisco, on acid.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at February 25, 2010 1:36 PM

DB would definitely bring a different slant to the EE's. Hey, maybe the job should rotate through a few dumb suckers...Ooops, I mean 'Volunteers' who want to sign on for the thankless task.
I officially WITHDRAW my future candidacy. No fucking way I am volunteering for this shit storm.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at February 25, 2010 1:45 PM

That might be interesting, Lindsey. It destroyed Prisco to do it every week. We don't want figgy to get all misanthropic and cynical on us, too.

Posted by: Snath at February 25, 2010 1:49 PM

I had election week and Halloween. You bitches damn near killed me.

Posted by: Julie at February 25, 2010 1:58 PM

Figgy, when someone offers to take a bullet for you, you don't push them out of the way, you let them take it. Just my two cents.

Posted by: TheMaskedEmu at February 25, 2010 2:04 PM

I'd love to do EE for a week. I'd like to take it out behind the middle school and get it pregnant (someone is watching season1 of 30 rock on netflix -- HEYO!)

Posted by: superasente at February 25, 2010 2:06 PM

Congrats, Cindy!

and, yeah me! Iron Medal (hopefully presented by Iron Man) for making fun of ugly people!

Posted by: Drake at February 25, 2010 2:09 PM

I thought about voting for someone to do it, but then if they did end up doing it and I make it on the list for the first time ever, it'll look too suspicious. So I'm officially not voting for anyone who may or may not ever find me even remotely funny.

And of course, big congrats to the Cindy!

Posted by: Xtreme at February 25, 2010 2:12 PM

I thought about voting for someone to do it, but then if they did end up doing it and I make it on the list for the first time ever, it'll look too suspicious.

I, luckily, don't have this worry, as I am rarely funny.

Posted by: Snath at February 25, 2010 2:16 PM

*reads eloquent comments of the week*

**steals "This world is going to hell in a Prius" from #10**

*Leaves thread*

Posted by: greer at February 25, 2010 2:17 PM

I think lurkers should do EE every now and then.

Posted by: Bizarro Sofía at February 25, 2010 2:20 PM

I think lurkers should do EE every now and then.

This would be a fabulous idea, but it would probably help if one of them were to actually volunteer. I mean, how exactly would you suggest Figgy go about drafting people she doesn't know exist because they never speak up?

Posted by: Sarina at February 25, 2010 2:25 PM

I think lurkers should do EE every now and then.

There's one problem with that plan. They're lurking...

Posted by: Xtreme at February 25, 2010 2:30 PM

"Hey you!"

Posted by: Cindy at February 25, 2010 2:30 PM

I could nominate a few, but by virtue of being lurkers they probably wouldn't want the attention.

Maybe the EE's should be done by The Dread Pirate Roberts. Change the office holder, keep the name.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at February 25, 2010 2:30 PM

Congrats, Cindy! Good going.

I'd like to nominate DeistBrawler. Like figs, he's tougher than he looks and can take the punishment of reading over our comments. It takes a special kind of person to do that, week after week.

Someone who likes pain, obviously.

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at February 25, 2010 2:33 PM

Superasente is certainly one of the more articulate Pajibettes and would likely keep the high standards of former guest editors but I'd really like to see DeistBrawler take a wild, slightly buzzed swing at the ol' speed bag.

Posted by: Spender at February 25, 2010 2:40 PM

TIN is IN bitches! It's what Eddie the Eagle and the Jamaican bobsledders would be wearing if they handed out medals that far down the list, and who's cooler than Eddie the Eagle and the "Cool Runnings" guys, huh? Huh?

Well, OK, the 1-through-9 medalists. MAYBE. Let's see them make a movie about YOU.

(And we should all thank Skitz for taking the week off. Of course, what choice does he have when the CIA calls Wendell out on a black-ops assignment?)

Posted by: , at February 25, 2010 2:42 PM

PISSED.

I've been calling her Dr. Sunkentits for YEARS and Stoat points it out and gets EE?

PISSED.

Posted by: Smokin at February 25, 2010 2:56 PM

"...we should all thank Skitz for taking the week off."

Brother, I've taken the last month or so off. Between Break Media* futzing up the 'Jiba, getting a divorce, the hair-plugs, the court dates, the Polk County Chowderfest, Wendel's piano recital, the purging of useless shit, looking for a home, the All Valley Karate Tournament, work, and figuring out a way to keep from getting kicked off of eHarmony repeatedly for "inappropriate" language, it's hard for a playa such as myself to come up with witty zingers. That'll change once my meds kick in. Oh yes, that'll change...

That and I've been diddling my whatchamafrigger a helluva lot more. I even cranked one out to 16 & Pregnant - that was a personal low point for even myself. And I've taken a dump on a wedding reception dance floor, mind you...

(*I will never, click on anything you promote, Break Media. You Pafuckered my Pajiba.)

Posted by: Skitz at February 25, 2010 3:26 PM

I'll do the EE's. But who am I kidding, you'd never pick me.
I sure as hell hope not. Deist, every damn thing you write comes off as either whiny and passive aggressive (see above) or horrifyingly misogynistic. Sorry if that comes across as harsh, but I've been out of town for a few days, and the last thing I read of yours was that bile-filled blog post about wanting to tie up and sexually assault certain women because you were pissed that you gave your chair to some chick and she let someone else sit in it. That was over 5 days ago and I'm still trying to wrap my brain around the idea that you genuinely think that's a reasonable response, even as a goddamn joke.

Posted by: dr. pisaster at February 25, 2010 3:34 PM

I'm gonna go against the grain here and NOT nominate DiestBrawler for the EEs. He's got a gentle spirit and kindly manner that couldn't possibly match the hate-filled intros Figs tosses out every week. A rare, beautiful flower, that one. You saw what happened to Prisco, for fucksake - his beard went outta control and word on the street is he had Selena Gomez slap a restraining order on him after she found him blacked out in her dressing room, reeking of blackberry brandy and that cologne all the six-packers spritz. I give it a month before Chris Hansen rears his handsomely-coiffed head and we'll all be dragged in for questioning. That goes double for you Figgarella - it's all sunshine and lollipops right now, but that Texas heat's coming and it's gonna scramble your goddam brain like a Kanye Western Omelette.

On second thought, give it to the Brawler for a week - his size alone might stave off the cerebral smoothie a grueling stretch at the EEs mixes up. THINK ABOUT YOUR HEALTH! AND THE CHILDREN! I BELIEVE THEY ARE OUR FUTURE! HELP THEM LEAD THE WAY! BEAUTY INSIDE! PRIDE! EASIER! GREATEST LOVE! ETC...

Posted by: Skitz at February 25, 2010 3:38 PM

Errrrm... is this really the appropriate venue for airing personal grievances? Seems a bit inappropriate but, hell, what do I know?

Posted by: Spender at February 25, 2010 3:46 PM

Sincere question - why can several people chant for one person, and when someone else states her opinion in opposition, it's a personal grievance? Relax.

That said, I did EE once and it broke my brain for a day and a half.

Posted by: Nicole at February 25, 2010 3:52 PM

Nice! So, uh, you think this bronze medal will get me past security at athlete housing in Olympic Village? I've got this sweet, sweet collage I made for one of the hot chicks on the British curling team and she won't return any of my calls. If I don't get it to her soon, some of the meat I used is going to go bad...

Posted by: Roaddog at February 25, 2010 3:55 PM

"That said, I did EE once and it broke my brain for a day and a half."

SEE?! A "day and a half!" That's a whole day and then a part of another day but not quite a whole one! That's a lot of time for your brain to be broke, people! Now show them, Nicole - show them on the doll where you bit that check-out clerk at Red Lobster. Shhh, it's okay, no more EEs for you, no more...

DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS BREAK MEDIA?! DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE...

[...sob...]

Do you see...? She was so full of life, and now she's got another felony on her record. She might as well kiss that City Council Treasurer job goodbye...

Posted by: Skitz at February 25, 2010 4:00 PM

Skitz, as soon as those papers are finalized, you and I are goin' to Vegas, baby. Little White Chapel, here we come!

Posted by: Nicole at February 25, 2010 4:04 PM

Nicole, I made no personal attacks. I stated an opinion. Another Pajiban issued a rather scathing attack on a fellow Pajiban. Look closely, please, before comparing apples and oranges.

Posted by: Spender at February 25, 2010 4:09 PM

I can't go to Vegas.

That's where I went and then the Doctor Lady had to give me special shampoos and salve.

Posted by: Skitz at February 25, 2010 4:11 PM

And just like that, we go from the sublime to the ridiculous.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at February 25, 2010 4:12 PM

Skitz, you are a gem. You are the Eloquentest of the Eloquents.

Posted by: Nicole at February 25, 2010 4:17 PM

I would love to see an EE hosted by Skittimus

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at February 25, 2010 4:21 PM

I don't even want to see what moderating the EEs would do to Skitz's already fragile psyche. Wendel might make his move and take over the whole body.

Posted by: Snath at February 25, 2010 4:31 PM

Oh, admit I was being harsh. The blog post in question was pretty horrifying. As a vagina-haver, it upset me A LOT. A lot a lot. My visceral reaction hasn't cooled enough for me to be objective about these things, but if I ever read something like that again, I think I might throw up. So I kinda really strongly want to keep that kind of writing off Pajiba as much as possible.

Posted by: dr. pisaster at February 25, 2010 4:34 PM

Can't happen. I've been blacklisted for using too many goddammed identities. For reals. Cap'n Rowles even threatened my sister. She and I were soming out of a Holiday Inn Express and he jumped out from behind some azelea bushes, waving around some legal documents pertaining not only to my online identities, but false bank records and late video rentals filed under false names/addresses. Anyhow, I thought I'd make things interesting by going for my nuncha...

SHE'S MY HALF-SISTER, SO THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT!

... long story short, no EEs for this fella.

Posted by: Skitz at February 25, 2010 4:36 PM

Skitz...you wouldn't happen to live in the South, would you?

And I'm sure Dustin would let Conrad host if you can't do it...

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at February 25, 2010 4:51 PM

Fuck that. Here's five reasons why Condouche'd suck:

01. He'd turn "Eloquent Eloquence" into "Eloquent Ehh..."
02. He's a twat.
03. Seriously - a twat.
04. He'd wind up making zingers about taxes or 401ks.
05. He'd replace comments with his ten favorite According To Jim quotes, the advertisers would pack up and get the fuck outta Dodge. As a result, the site would suffer, Dustin would sink into a years-long depression, and next thing you know, his eighteen year-old son would show up on my doorstep and murderize my ass...

Posted by: Skitz at February 25, 2010 5:09 PM

Maybe I can do the EE's. I'd like to. Yes. Definitely.
With sprinkles.

Posted by: Jim Doggie at February 25, 2010 5:21 PM

We should let Superasente do it.

Posted by: notsuperasente at February 25, 2010 5:52 PM

I agree, person who isn't Superasente. Superasente would be great. He's so smart and good-looking.

Posted by: alsonotsuperasente at February 25, 2010 5:53 PM

Fuck that noise! That guy is a douche!

(although who can deny his dashing good looks and charm?)

Posted by: absolutelynotsuperasentebecausehe'sadick at February 25, 2010 5:56 PM

I hear he smells like cookies.

Posted by: not_figgy at February 25, 2010 6:12 PM

Wow. Just...wow. You people are a fucking high-toned mess, you know that?

Just...no. I just can't anymore. I don't have the fucking energy. Anyone remember when we used to actually have rational discussions without being prompted by things like the Book or Movie Clubs?... See More

No? Maybe I fucking dreamed it. You're all so busy ripping each other to shreds that you can barely have a discussion around here anymore, and you can just throw rational right out the window.

Yeah, we're not the most normal crew of people, but for a long time we all just kind of accepted each other as we were. Hell, even Slim and Verm have coexisted this long without actually destroying each other.

It's funny, because I remember when Pissboy first started posting. A lot of us found him incredibly offensive. Incredibly. But he made himself a place here, just like the rest of you idiots. Just like me.

I don't know what started this little thing that's going on, and frankly, I don't give a fat little fuck. But you're on notice, you walnut-brained assholes. Cease and desist with the bullshit.

I mean it, because if I have to start taking down names, there's gonna be hell to fucking pay. Bank on it.

Posted by: Smokin at February 25, 2010 6:12 PM

Honestly? I'd like to nominate Adventureman.

He would BLOW OUR MINDS!

Posted by: superasente at February 25, 2010 6:16 PM

But I didn't know you called her Dr. wotsitits! hmmph.

Posted by: Figgy at February 25, 2010 6:17 PM

Goddamn, I know I would never WANT to do the EEs after reading all that about it.

Congratulations Cindy! Hug yourself!

Posted by: Snuggiepants the Deathbringer at February 25, 2010 6:17 PM

OK I'm giving it to superasente because he won last week (and I'll always prefer to give it to previous winners so people who haven't won can have a chance) and also, I hear he smells like cookies.

Posted by: Figgy at February 25, 2010 6:20 PM

Well Skittles won't do it and nobody knows who the holy hell Adventureman really is so those dreams will remain unrealised, but we've got superasente over here seriously stepping up his game with the paranoid schizophrenia, so obviously we have a clear winner for my vote.

Posted by: Sarina at February 25, 2010 6:25 PM

Aaaaand my vote is five minutes too late. Good thing my show pony won, or shit could've gotten real ugly. I'm unpredictable, yo.

Posted by: Sarina at February 25, 2010 6:26 PM

Slowpoke Larsdriguez.

Posted by: figgy at February 25, 2010 6:31 PM

Oooo but seriously, could Adventureman be persuaded? Contacted? Where's he been?

THAT would be a fun mess of weirdness. In a good way.

But anyway, yay for getting things figured out and all!

Posted by: Snuggiepants the Deathbringer at February 25, 2010 6:32 PM

Smokin is right. Why can't we play nice like we used to? It makes me sad in the pants.

Cindy, I didn't congratulate you. I'm horrible. Let's just say it's from being a new mom. Hee.

Posted by: Nicole at February 25, 2010 6:41 PM

And so, there stands ZombieNurse on the Silver Medal platform. She looks content, smiling up at Cindy, who's all happy tears and waving at the cheering crowd as the CSA anthem plays on.

However, there is a bitterness in the cold, grainy center of ZombieNurse's heart. A bitterness that will not be relieved until she finds a way to have the judges revoke Cindy's gold medal for some trumped up charge and have it delivered into her own possession.

She'll do whatever she has to, you know. She'll even sleep with that creepy judge with the lazy eye if that's what it takes. You can bet on that. After all, that is how she went from first runner up to Miss Zombie Hospitaltochia in 2004.

Posted by: ZombieNurse at February 25, 2010 6:57 PM

I am kind of in love with ZombieNurse, now.

Posted by: Smokin at February 25, 2010 7:00 PM

Also, sorry for the rant, but it had to be said.

Posted by: Smokin at February 25, 2010 7:01 PM

And well said it was, Smokin'. Now come over here and give us a kiss.

Posted by: admin at February 25, 2010 7:05 PM

I don't know what you people have been snorting, but this joint ain't never been a campfire circle of handholding and kumbaya singalongs. We've always been a psychotically unstable bunch who flip back and forth between systematically dissecting movies, debating the merits of slow zombies versus fast zombies versus frozen Nazi zombies, decrying the downfall of civilisation with the news of every inevitable remake, wistfully recalling the shitty toys we played with as kids, and obscenely abusing each other. None of that is remotely new, and I don't think any of it has significantly increased or decreased over time. Sometimes the staff changes and commenters come and go, but the bullshit remains the same. It's only our perspectives that really change, so if things seem radically different to you then maybe you just need to re-adjust your focus. Everybody's got a different idea of what's an acceptable sort of crazy, so we should really all just stick to licking the brains which suit our palates and pretending that everyone else is mute and/or dead. That's how I get through the day, anyway.

Posted by: Sarina at February 25, 2010 7:11 PM

Oh, please. Give it to superasente if you want, figgy, but respect us enough to be honest about it and quit selling that line of hokey bullshit.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at February 25, 2010 7:14 PM

But I buy cookies with the profit!

Posted by: figgy at February 25, 2010 7:22 PM

Smokin, you know I lurve you. Well said.

Posted by: Melody at February 25, 2010 7:25 PM

Smokin is pretty.

Posted by: figgy at February 25, 2010 7:26 PM

Smokin:
I want to tongue kiss you after that. And unlike admin, I will get handsy too.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at February 25, 2010 7:32 PM

Sincere question - why can several people chant for one person, and when someone else states her opinion in opposition, it's a personal grievance? Relax.

You mean like, when I state a personal opinion that goes against what everyone else says and suddenly I get fucked for having said opinion?

Posted by: DeistBrawler at February 25, 2010 7:45 PM

You don't think I really smell like cookies, Tracer? It's true.

Although, the fact that I eat INSANE amounts of chocolate probably has something to do with it. That, and the slow onset of type 2 diabetes.

Posted by: superasente at February 25, 2010 7:50 PM

Dear Everyone --

Air clearing: Don't blame Figgy if Deist isn't picked. I asked Figgy not to pick Deist. This site strives to to have at least a little of a feminist bent. From what I've seen in the comments, Deistbrawler doesn't respect the vagina. That, folks, is a prerequisite to doing EE or anything else on this site.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but if you express an anti-woman opinion, someone is going to tell you to get fucked.

And Pisaster: Way to womyn up!

Posted by: Dustin Rowles at February 25, 2010 8:04 PM

Thank You.

Posted by: becks at February 25, 2010 8:11 PM

Womyn up? Now you're just trying too hard.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at February 25, 2010 8:25 PM

I'm with Smokin. Seriously, lighten up, all you Franciseseses.

Posted by: lordhelmet at February 25, 2010 8:26 PM

Posted by: ZombieNurse at February 25, 2010 6:57 PM
---
If you've been looking for Jeff Gillooly, he changed his name to Jeff Stone.

You'll also have trouble finding Shaun Eckhardt, because he changed his name to Brian Griffith. Plus he's dead.

Shane Stant is apparently still Shane Stant, but he's also apparently fucking crazy.

Hope that helps.

Posted by: mary magdalene at February 25, 2010 8:28 PM

*taps fingers on keyboard*

...Nevermind.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at February 25, 2010 8:28 PM

I'm going to get awarded the biggest geek in the world award here, but did Figgy actually use all the metallic dragons from D&D as olympic medals? Because that is all kinds of awesome.

Posted by: mrcreosote at February 25, 2010 8:32 PM

Y'ALL WANT A PIECE OF GEEP?! DO YA?! HUH?!

Posted by: gp at February 25, 2010 8:32 PM

Y'ALL WANT A PIECE OF GEEP?! DO YA?! HUH?! -- gp

I don't do sloppy seconds, my friend.

Posted by: Dustin Rowles at February 25, 2010 8:34 PM

SLOPPY?! why you...

Posted by: gp at February 25, 2010 8:38 PM

Oh, Dustin... *sigh*
I love you.

Posted by: Bizarro Sofía at February 25, 2010 8:42 PM

Dustin - preach it, brother friend.

Aaaand now I'm going to bed. Sweet dreams, 'jibans.

Posted by: Nicole at February 25, 2010 8:43 PM

By the way, if you don't like what Dustin has to say, tough shit. It's his rodeo here, kids. And if you really don't like it or feel persecuted, dudes, go somewhere else. For serious. Bring something constructive to the table; that's what Pajiba's about. If all you want to do is stir up shit, take it to Facebook or something.

Turns out a raging bout of sciatica brings on the bitchface.

Posted by: Nicole at February 25, 2010 8:50 PM

OH
MY
GOD.

Posted by: gp at February 25, 2010 8:58 PM

Yee-haw!

mrcreosote: you mean I inadvertently went UberNerd? I AM JUST THAT AWESOME.

superasente is gonna kick butt and that's it, kids.

gp: yes? But I want a piece of Smokin more.

Posted by: figgy at February 25, 2010 8:58 PM

Bitchface! (hugs self)

I;'m drinking wine

Posted by: Snuggiepants the Deathbringer at February 25, 2010 9:00 PM

we can share. it's an awfully big piece.

Posted by: gp at February 25, 2010 9:01 PM

Oooh, drunk Snuggie is my favourite!

Marinated brains are the most delicious. It's true.

Posted by: Sarina at February 25, 2010 9:03 PM

Oh, man Snuggie! I too am drinking wine. Copious amounts! To celebrate! I speak! In sentence fragments!

Posted by: superasente at February 25, 2010 9:09 PM

HUGS SEL HARDER!!!!!

Posted by: Snuggiepants the Deathbringer at February 25, 2010 9:13 PM

"HUGS SEL HARDER!!!!!"

Um... where the shit's my decoder ring?

Posted by: Sarina at February 25, 2010 9:17 PM

Dammit now I want wine.

Posted by: figgy at February 25, 2010 9:19 PM

F!!!

Posted by: Snuggiepants the Deathbringer at February 25, 2010 9:36 PM

Hugs sel harder, indeed Snuggiepants the Deathbringer. Hugs sel harder, indeed.

Posted by: superasente at February 25, 2010 9:55 PM

S!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: figgy at February 25, 2010 10:18 PM

Godtopus dammit. You motherfrakkers. I go for a little relaxing yoga before the medal ceremony, come back here all fancied up with my hair defrizzified, kick Zombiebitch off the LOWER PLATFORM - WHICH IS PLACED LOWER THAN MINE WHICH IS AT THE TIPPITY TOP, and there you all are fighting. Shape up people! We're in a foreign country (I think)! We have to show these people what 'Muricans do in times of crisis - we pull together. We stand proud. We sing the parts of the national anthem we can remember and we look down at the ground for the rest. We check ourselves out on the monitor while we're waiting for the dude to walk up and give the people on the lower platforms their ~~substandard~~ other colored medals.

Now all of you stand and put your hands over your hearts if you can find them, and LOOK AT ME while the national anthem is played and I get my medal.

Thank you.

Posted by: Cindy at February 25, 2010 10:26 PM

CINDY IS MY HERO.

Stand to attention, motherbastards!

Posted by: figgy at February 25, 2010 10:58 PM

Ohhhhhhh Canada, our home and native land. True patriot love (not the gay kind) in all our son's command.

What? You didn't specify.

Posted by: admin at February 25, 2010 11:07 PM

I have this idea in my head that the anthem to Cindytopia sounds remarkably like the Imperial March from Star Wars.

Posted by: figgy at February 25, 2010 11:17 PM

You are exactly right figgy.

Posted by: Cindy at February 25, 2010 11:22 PM

Who's Sel Harder?

Posted by: , at February 25, 2010 11:23 PM

Sel Harder is Sol Goode's brother in law.

Posted by: Spender at February 25, 2010 11:27 PM

I spent too much time reading Lolita and the Lolita discussion today and look what happens over here. Oy.

Not that I ever get much involved anywhere but Facebook anywhohow.

Yes, I been drinkin' too.

Posted by: lainiefig at February 25, 2010 11:31 PM

i am specifying getting gay with admin.

and possibly melody.

Posted by: gp at February 26, 2010 12:58 AM

I just wanna share my experience here. I found my boyfriend several months ago, who is 10 years older than me, at http://EUAgeless.com/, a free place for age-gap relationship. It's fabulous! Maybe you wanna check it!

Posted by: Jim at February 26, 2010 1:19 AM

spambot jim found a boyfriend? awesomepants!

Posted by: gp at February 26, 2010 1:20 AM

Stupid, STUPID SpambotJim found sex and I haven't. I hate the internets.

Posted by: Spender at February 26, 2010 1:31 AM

Wow, even the spambot is comin' outta the closet. 2010 is blowing my mind.

Brother, I've taken the last month or so off.

NEVER LEAVE AGAIN. I've been going through the most horrific transcripts at work and I need some goddamn laughter or my fun parts will die.

Posted by: Lauren at February 26, 2010 2:21 AM

I got some shit to say. If you give a shit about the Boozehound, settle in. If not, fuck you.

So: To start, I have been absent, and that was a mistake. I’ve been roaming my lunar desert, searching for my non-inebriated self, and it turns out he doesn’t exist. But this Island Pajiba matters to me, no matter how little it matters to you –- little enough that you would turn it into your personal grievance factory. There was a time when I was the border collie of this site, and I regret that I became too tired to see it through. There was an ugly incident when some jackass Marines attacked our own Sarina and threatened bodily harm to us, fucking assholes who got her cell phone number and threatened her life, and she and I held the thread and taunted those fuckers because WE OWN THIS PLACE. This place is for all of us, and Deist was here at that time. We are not politically correct. We are not a “feminist slant” website. We are this community of people, and Deist was here before most of you.

Deist, I don’t support you writing EE. You’ve been too much of a dick, and you’re insensitive to legitimate criticism. You can be brilliant when you’re not thinking too hard about how people have wronged you. I’m happy to bring the muscle to your head, because you just need some loving care from someone who knows how to sharpen your aggression into a useful tool. Right now, you are an un-useful tool. Emphasis on tool. But I love you like a brother, and I’m about to do what I would do if some jackass motherfuckers came after my brother.

So let’s get started, shall we?

Deist, every damn thing you write comes off as either whiny and passive aggressive (see above) or horrifyingly misogynistic. Sorry if that comes across as harsh, but I've been out of town for a few days, and the last thing I read of yours was that bile-filled blog post about wanting to tie up and sexually assault certain women because you were pissed that you gave your chair to some chick and she let someone else sit in it.

Seastar, I respect you and your achievements, but you may want to re-think comments that reveal exactly how little time you’ve spent on this site. Deist has been around for a long time, and he’s had a lot of insightful things to say when others were talking about their cats’ vomit and whether their student parking pass had been renewed to their satisfaction. Focus. Go look at some threads from two years ago and remember what it was like to be a Paji-Titan. Before you were “Dr. pisaster.” And yes, you're a pearl-clutcher. Come to terms with it.

Superasente is certainly one of the more articulate Pajibettes

Not pertinent to what I have to say, but dead on. Fuck you, Superasente, you’re part of the reason I don’t comment here anymore.

Sincere question - why can several people chant for one person, and when someone else states her opinion in opposition, it's a personal grievance? Relax.

Huh. Doesn’t strike me as sincere, considering as it’s couched in personal brinksmanship. Nicole, you play favorites on a consistent basis and poison this site with your personal agenda. I’ve sat and ignored it for a while, but Deist is a better writer and thinker than you, and basically a better person than you, and I’m not interested in your petty political nonsense. Yeah, he’s a dick about gender stuff, and I don’t like it. And once upon a time, we took care of that internally instead of through a campaign of alienation. And Paddy and Jerce and Sarina and Lainey and ShinyKate and Julie and about a hundred other real ‘Jibettes who outrank you haven’t weighed in on this, and their opinion on a mouse fart outweighs your opinion on world peace.

Oh, you admit it? How charitable. Well, dr. pisaster, I hope that wasn't your medical opinion, because the blog post in question was imported by someone else, not Deist. What he writes somewhere else is about is irrelevant as your opinion about what goes into a Vesper, i.e., COMPLETELY irrelevant. Yes, he wrote some stupid shit on the I Spit on Your Grave piece. Deist, you need to man up and disown that shit. The rest of you need to grow some big-girl ovaries and ignore a boy who’s trying to figure out how to express himself.

We should let Superasente do it.

Awesome, notsuperasente. Also: I’m totally not fucking your fiance right now. I hope she’s a forgiving sort. Also: She's not a good measurer.

Rita, my ass has remained pristine this long, but if you’re in SF at some point, we can have a discussion.

OK I'm giving it to superasente because he won last week (and I'll always prefer to give it to previous winners so people who haven't won can have a chance) and also, I hear he smells like cookies.

figs, I’m a fan. But superasente is a douche, and you need to start recognizing people based on contribution and effort, not whether they sent you some farm animals on Facebook.

Smokin is right. Why can't we play nice like we used to? It makes me sad in the pants.

Wow, Nicole, that is one nice backtrack. It makes me sad, but in my punching muscle. But Philly tomboys aren't afraid of that, I'm sure. You weren’t here for “used to,” so I’m not sure what you think you’re talking about. And you don’t play nice, so howsabout you stop bullshitting?

Smokin is pretty.

Figs, that’s awesome. And let's all follow his teachings, since he’s the Jesus to the godtopus. Listen to yourself.

You mean like, when I state a personal opinion that goes against what everyone else says and suddenly I get fucked for having said opinion?.

Deist, you don’t get fucked for having an opinion. You need to shut up and let the adults defend you for now.

You don't think I really smell like cookies, Tracer? It's true.

super, Tracer shits out pieces of jackasses like you after eating too much cantaloupe. You keep going after him, and he ignores you like an elephant ignores a little kitty cat. There’s a reason a pussy is a “pussy.”

This from Dustin: Air clearing: Don't blame Figgy if Deist isn't picked. I asked Figgy not to pick Deist. This site strives to to have at least a little of a feminist bent. From what I've seen in the comments, Deistbrawler doesn't respect the vagina. That, folks, is a prerequisite to doing EE or anything else on this site.

I don’t think Deist should write it either, because he needs a kick in the ass, but I’m curious how I missed the day we stopped making fun of Feministing and Jezebel and started douching with Political Correctness. If this site “strives to have a feminist bent,” I guess I missed that staff meeting, because when I started writing here, our goal was to be smart, funny, and wide open on opinions, without catering to a certain demographic. Dustin, no one could have made Pajiba except you. I’m going to ignore your intentional use of the word “womyn.”

Y'ALL WANT A PIECE OF GEEP?! DO YA?! HUH?!

I’ll have a piece. Thank you. Geep shames you, Pajibans. He’s better than you right now.

By the way, if you don't like what Dustin has to say, tough shit. It's his rodeo here, kids. And if you really don't like it or feel persecuted, dudes, go somewhere else. For serious. Bring something constructive to the table; that's what Pajiba's about. If all you want to do is stir up shit, take it to Facebook or something.

Oh, Nicole, stop embarrassing yourself. Who the fuck do you think you are, honey? It was OUR rodeo here when you were a gleam in a prison guard’s eye. I’m not going somewhere else, because I have vested stock, and you're flavor of the month. You go ahead and engage in your favoritism in Cannonball Read and pretend like that matters to the overall welfare of this place if it makes you feel relevant. But don’t you fucking lecture me about what Pajiba is “about,” as if you knew. We were debating Kieslowski and the actualization of Jane Austen when you were touting your favorite character from “21 Jump Street” in someone’s yearbook.

superasente is gonna kick butt and that's it, kids.

Keep thinking that. Also, the Soviet Union is still KICKING ASS! I think they won gold today!

I grieve for what this place used to be, and if you think this is coming out of left field, you need to know that I acted in response to the raft of e-mails in my inbox over the utter shitheadedness of not just this comment thread, but the trend of the past six months. This place was special before you got here, and it will be special when you're a distant memory. You know who you are.

Posted by: socalledonlycousins at February 26, 2010 4:27 AM

Thank you, Ted.

Posted by: Spender at February 26, 2010 4:52 AM

clap......clap.....clap.....

To paraphrase C.J. Cregg, you haven't thrown fire like that since the first primaries. You certainly didn't hold anything back, and I dig that about you.

Posted by: Rubble44 at February 26, 2010 8:24 AM

And once upon a time, we took care of that internally instead of through a campaign of alienation.

posted by: socalledonlycousins

I find it interesting that you wrote that and then you dedicated a couple of paragraphs to Nicole and basically treated her like shit. I'm not saying you're alienating her, but you're certainly letting everyone know that you have a personal problem with her. If that is the case, I'm sure there were better ways to express it. More private ways. More polite, even.

I don't think you'll agree with me, and that's okay. I'm not even angry at you; I'm mostly disappointed that you'd treat a fellow Pajiban like that, out here for everyone to see. This site is supposed to be better than that.

Posted by: Bizarro Sofía at February 26, 2010 9:08 AM

You know, I wasn't going to comment on this shitstorm, because I felt it would be akin to throwing gasoline on the fire, and then roasting a baby over it. And then I had this whole, long, beautifully worded comment, and my computer ate it. So, I'll let it suffice to say this:

Boozehound, who the hell named you Elder Statesman of Pajiba and the dad of all of us? You're as much of an idiot and a shitstormer as the rest of us, and a hypocrite to boot. You're going to post a diatribe like that calling people out for calling somebody else out? That right there is a load of bullshit, my friend. Calling people out for inflammatory statements they made is the raison d'être of Pajiba. Please see Sarina's somment above (Posted by: Sarina at February 25, 2010 7:11 PM). If people can't handle being called out, they shouldn't be commenting in the first place.

By the way, both Nicole and dr. pisaster were commenting when I first started, and I don't remember Deist being a presence at the time. You may want to back up your statements with citations.

Look, Boozie, I don't even disagree with everything you said. You make some fine points in your monologue. I am simply disappointed in your unfortunate wording, as it comes across very "Oh, yeah? Pick on someone I like, willya? Why I oughta", which seems, to me, beneath you. Further, there is not one person on this site who can claim to know everything. NOT ONE. And that includes you.

Now, where's that A-1 sauce? This baby ain't getting any rarer.

Posted by: Anna von Murderpuppet at February 26, 2010 9:14 AM

Socalledonlycousins, my exchanges with Tracer WERE rude and thoughtless. I own up to that. I was being a dick. Since then I've tried to make fun of myself for it and make amends. If I knew who the guy was for real, I'd send him a nice e-mail or a box of chocolates; but I don't. So I will continue bouncing friendly comments off him in the hopes that my lowest moment on Pajiba will not be the moment for which I am best remembered. It's true for me, it's true for Deistbrawler and it's true for Mel Gibson; no-one should be judged for their lowest moment.

TracerBullet, I sincerely apologize for being a dick to you that one time. It wasn't cool or welcome, and I've made a concerted effort to avoid confrontations since then. I love this site and the LAST thing I want to do is detract from someone else's enjoyment. Honestly, you're one of my favorite commenters, right after Lindsey with and 'E' and Admin.

To those who agree with Socalledonlycousins, I don't intend to change your minds with either this comment or with EE. All I hope to do is make Figgy proud and conjure a laugh or two.

Posted by: superasente at February 26, 2010 9:16 AM

STOP FIGHTING! STOP FIGHTING! Think about what you are doing to the kids!

*crawls back under the coffee table*

Posted by: ZombieNurse at February 26, 2010 9:29 AM

Alright, as much as a enjoy hating superasente (And believe me, I really fucking enjoy it. I'm a Philadelphian. Hate is like mother's milk.) in the interests of furthering peace and harmony I will agree to bury the hatchet. And not in his head. Probably. And if I can get over it with supergoof, y'all can let some shit go too.

Let us, the collective us, agree that intelligent people, and I think most of us here qualify, can and will disagree. Further, let us recognize that it is possible to disagree without disparaging character. An ugly position is not necessarily evidence of an ugly soul.

DB is my man, and that's why I can call him out with love. Boozehound is my man, which is why I say, with love, you went a liiiiiitle bit overboard, home skillet. You still my boy, ahmma buy you a drink next time I see you. Still. Let's walk it back.

There's some shit around here I don't like. There's some shit around here I find ridiculous (Womyn up? Saints preserve us). But everything needn't develop into Tom Cody and Raven going at it with pickaxes in the middle of the street.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at February 26, 2010 9:45 AM

I know I have no right to comment on this thread because I've been a chicken shit lurker since homeland security. For years I've been kicking myself for not joining in the fun and always being a tourist. But after reading this I dunno what to call it, rant I guess, I sorta feel relieved. I know the sites tagline, I get it I do, it's just so disheartening to see some of you guys going at each other like this. I'll shut up now. Sorry for the intrusion.

Posted by: carlo_jonzi at February 26, 2010 9:48 AM

Now y'all have gone and done it.

Posted by: , at February 26, 2010 9:50 AM

I don’t know what I can really say that will compare to some of the others before me. However, I would like to apologize for any insensitive or demeaning comments I made in the I Spit On Your Grave thread. As well as for anyone I offended, unintentionally, with my blog.

I’m going through some shit at the moment that I’m having a problem dealing with and expressing it in an open forum was obviously not the route to attempt to do such. Nor was it to try and express an opinion without a careful re-reading of what it was I was trying to say. It is a sign of such when you find yourself constantly backtracking, trying to explain what you really mean.

I love Pajiba. In many ways it is my home away from home. I enjoy being able to express my beliefs openly and getting both agreement and disagreement in what I say. I like that I’ve made many friends who, in actuality, are better friends then the ones I have in the real world.

Again, I’m sorry.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at February 26, 2010 10:04 AM

Thank you for apologizing, Deist. I hope things get better for you, sincerely.

Posted by: Bizarro Sofía at February 26, 2010 10:09 AM

After the discourse above, the regularly posting commenters need not wonder why we lurkers are reluctant to post. I know that the tag line for Pajiba is "scathing and bitchy," but scathing and bitchy does not equal ugly vitriol. I very rarely post here, because I do not want to get hosed down by anonymous internet hate.

Posted by: androstarr at February 26, 2010 10:12 AM

Indeed, DeistBrawler. That apology makes me happy, not that that should be your job or purpose in life but, you know. Thanks. And like Sofia, I hope things get better for you.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at February 26, 2010 10:17 AM

I'm down. And done. Although I'm not too fond of him, I tried not to give superasente too much shit publicly...just basically ignored him. I think this was a grassfire that could have devolved into a huge fucking bonfire, and yeah, socalled came in and bitchslapped everybody a little too hard (like the irate father would do if the kids won't shut up), but it was necessary. Hopefully this cleared the air and pointed out some hard truths to many of the people involved, and we can continue to hate bad movies and fill the site with intelligent discussion like we used to.

I hate when we fight. Can we just kiss and makeup? I promise no tongue (except for gp, of course).

Posted by: Shadows of Dakaron at February 26, 2010 10:18 AM

please, i was hating sofia before it was the cool thing to do.

wait, what's that? we weren't hating sofia?

oh.

oops.

Posted by: gp at February 26, 2010 10:24 AM

Call me when the make-up sex starts. It's always fantastic.

Posted by: , at February 26, 2010 10:25 AM

Everybody wants to tongue gp. It's why he's our chief whore. I can't even declare undying love for him without people leaping up to declare they love him more. Slut.

Posted by: lainiefig at February 26, 2010 10:34 AM

i only wish i had enough virginity to give each and every one of you. like on a lazy susan. or a salad shooter.

Posted by: gp at February 26, 2010 10:46 AM

Festivus came early this year (it's selfish like that). carlo, you have as much right as anyone to comment both on this thread and on the site in general, as does androstarr or any other lurker. Hopefully you will. Even when things boil over occasionally and we hit the reset button, it's still better than you average dysfunctional family function.

Now that we've finished with the Airing of Grievances, can we move on to the Feats of Strength? Just don't be fooled, some of us around here like being pinned.

Posted by: branded at February 26, 2010 11:00 AM

Just don't be fooled, some of us around here like being pinned.

branded, is that an invitation? Cuz you know I love you, but I'm committed to Amethyst Anne and gp. It just can't work between us.

Posted by: Xtreme at February 26, 2010 11:07 AM

Seems to me that there's a lot going on between individuals that the rest of us cannot know - I for one had no idea the guys were in a personal level shitfit amongst themselves. Odd that whatever bad juju has been created THERE has spewed forth onto likely unsuspecting folks...(and I will say that it definitely goes both ways as far as the male/female divide - I'm not picking on anyone in specific). A few of us might consider stepping away from the keyboard and taking a deep breath.

I LOVE all you guys - even the ones I dislike - because I feel I know you really well and we have a history based upon clever commentary and meme enjoyment...think about that while the sliver in thy paw keeps stinging.

I'm surprised as hell that this place is in a male/female brawl here - I thought we were all adults. If you think about it, it's like family members wedged in a van for a two week vacation - close quarters make the things we don't like about each other awfully extreme. I gotta go to work, but I hope to god this gets talked out, because this is some buried resentments coming to a head yo. Spill it out, or walk away, but remember - it's just the internet at the end of the day, and hearts and feelings mend if you give them a chance.

xoxoxoxo (and go ahead and call me a Pollyanna - I can take it.)

Posted by: replica at February 26, 2010 11:22 AM

branded, is that an invitation? Cuz you know I love you, but I'm committed to Amethyst Anne and gp. It just can't work between us.

AHEM! I'm standing right fucking here!

Also, I really enjoyed that spanking.

Posted by: admin at February 26, 2010 11:47 AM

I'd just like to say that I agree and re-iterate 100% what Anna von Murderpuppet said. It's pretty rich to write a lengthy diatribe about how rude it is to call people out on this site while calling someone out in incredibly harsh terms.

Also, I haven't been commenting for that long, but I've been lurking for a loooooong while, during which time any comment I might have made was already made by Anna vB, because she really is the second half of my brain. I definitely remember Deist beginning to comment, and it wasn't that long ago. Certainly long after almost everyone else who was weighing in up above. So I'm highly confused about Boozehound declaring him some sort of elder statesman.

Lastly, this:

I LOVE all you guys - even the ones I dislike

is exactly how I feel.

Posted by: MM at February 26, 2010 11:48 AM

If you think about it, it's like family members wedged in a van for a two week vacation - close quarters make the things we don't like about each other awfully extreme.
---
I was thinking more along the lines of the ice station in "The Thing."

Oh, and my tuque hasn't arrived yet, replica. I'm guessing the drug dogs flagged it at the border again. You really shouldn't wrap packages on the same table you cut that good Canadiana snow.

Just sayin'.

Posted by: , at February 26, 2010 11:58 AM

Deist, that was thoughtful and well-said. FWIW, though I often disagree with you, and sometimes outright hate the things you say, I do enjoy you on the whole. Though I think maybe you're right about working out your personal issues not so much on a movie website (though what you write on your blog is your business). (Though I have to admit I was pretty horrified by the entry in question.) (But also that it really doesn't have much to do with Pajiba; it just came up in the context of that thread originally.)

And Replica, the family analogy was part of my original comment that my computer ate: I love my family to death, but sometimes I don't like them very much or agree with what they have to say. And sometimes we have fights. AND THAT'S OK. We can't all get along on everything all the time. It's part of the beauty of being human, and alive.

Finally, MM, you are a DOLL, and I wish you would comment more because then once in a while I feel like someone agrees with me. :)

P.S. carlo_jonzi, can I lick your brain just a teensy bit? Please? I bet it tastes like pie.

Posted by: Anna von Murderpuppet at February 26, 2010 12:25 PM

You really shouldn't wrap packages on the same table you cut that good Canadiana snow.

I'm sure that's wrong, chances are the dogs sniffed out our Canadian Bud, had a nap and forgot where they put the package.

Posted by: Xtreme at February 26, 2010 12:33 PM

Where are these brains that taste like pie? Dammit, now I want some pie.

Posted by: MM at February 26, 2010 12:36 PM

OK everyone, group fuck?

Posted by: Cindy at February 26, 2010 12:49 PM

Good morning, everybo...

SWEET CHRIST WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED IN HERE?!

...

clap.

clap clap.

clap clap clap clap.

clapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclap.

CLAPCLAPCLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP
CLAPCLAPCLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP
CLAPCLAPCLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP
CLAPCLAPCLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP
CLAPCLAPCLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP
CLAPCLAPCLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP

[ 01. Cue some patriotic claptrap; 02. Send out the fighter jets airbrushed with skulls in American flag bandanas; 03. Have somebody lift a giggling baby skyward; 04. Zoom in on a white dude hugging a colored fella; 05. Soft-focus shot of elderly woman rising up from wheelchair; 06. Tight-shot of burly biker guy with a single tear rolling down his cheek; 07. Me, Wendel, and assortment of disabled children beating the living fuck out of Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck with pipe wrenches; 06. Topless Statue of Liberty bouncing on a trampoline with a Speedo-wearing Uncle Sam.]

I'm thrilled to have had the pleasure of meeting each and every one of you.

This excludes you, Conrad.

You're still a dried turd...

Posted by: Skitz at February 26, 2010 12:49 PM

Yeah, my numbers were fuckered. So what? I don't believe in eights...

Posted by: Skitz at February 26, 2010 12:53 PM

Group hug!

Posted by: Snath at February 26, 2010 12:55 PM

P.S. carlo_jonzi, can I lick your brain just a teensy bit? Please? I bet it tastes like pie.

Posted by: Anna von Murderpuppet at February 26, 2010 12:25 PM

Can it be something else besides pie, I know Sarina doesn't believe in pie and I really would like a good brain lick from as many people as I can. I think gin is my brain flavour. Will that do?

Posted by: carlo_jonzi at February 26, 2010 1:07 PM

Skitz, I've got just three things to say to you about that:

A) That was fucking awesome.

2) You scare me just a little, and make me excited at the same time. It's like having Stockholm syndrome all over again.

D) I forgot the other thing after getting all excited.

Posted by: Xtreme at February 26, 2010 1:31 PM

Mm hm, gin is fine. Mighty mighty fine.

Mmm gin flavor brains....

Posted by: Anna von Murderpuppet at February 26, 2010 1:42 PM

"Can it be something else besides pie, I know Sarina doesn't believe in pie and I really would like a good brain lick from as many people as I can. I think gin is my brain flavour. Will that do?"

Posted by: carlo_jonzi at February 26, 2010 1:07 PM

Dear carlo_jonzi,

I think I love you. But what am I so afraid of? I'm afraid that I'm not sure of a love there is no cure for. I think I love you. Isn't that what life is made of? Though it worries me to say I've never felt this way. Believe me, you really don't have to worry. I only want to make you happy, and if you say 'Hey, go away' I will, but I think better still, I better stay around and love you. Do you think I have a case? Let me ask you to your face. Do you think you love me? I think I love you.

Love and a Keith Patridge in a pear tree,
Sarina

Posted by: Sarina at February 26, 2010 1:44 PM

"But everything needn't develop into Tom Cody and Raven going at it with pickaxes in the middle of the street."

Tracer, that right there is the reason why you drink for free if you ever come to Ct. Still not reason enough to venture up to this hellhole, but still-The Bombers were the shit.

Posted by: mrcreosote at February 26, 2010 2:20 PM

Oh my my my, I do declare, brain licks and Keith Partridge all in one day. I have the vapours.

Posted by: carlo_jonzi at February 26, 2010 2:22 PM

Oh, carlo_jonzi. At least we got your delicious brain out of all this mess. Gin is my favorite.

Posted by: jM at February 26, 2010 2:57 PM

Carlo_Jonzi, I think I love you as well.

Posted by: Melody at February 26, 2010 3:02 PM

I have been following all of this silently. But now I need a drink and a hug....anyone with me?

Posted by: Nimue at February 26, 2010 3:07 PM

This is like the first time I've sat down to my computer in days (been accessing via my phone for a while), and I love the brain-licking fest that's taking place after the rage. It's like makeup sex - always better after a fight.

And how come no one has offered to lick Skitz's brain?! His comment was so awesome that Michael Bay would weep. C'mere Skitty, I'll lick your brain...

Posted by: stardust at February 26, 2010 3:27 PM

i only wish i had enough virginity to give each and every one of you. like on a lazy susan. or a salad shooter.

A vagooter shooter. A lazy one-eyed susan.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at February 26, 2010 3:40 PM

stardust! Don't lick Skitz's brain! It's full of LSD and Orange Fanta!

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at February 26, 2010 3:41 PM

Wow. I didn't mean to start all this, but now that there's brain licking going on...

*removes skull*

Have at it!

Posted by: Smokin at February 26, 2010 4:31 PM

"Don't lick Skitz's brain! It's full of LSD and Orange Fanta!"

That sounds DELICIOUS. Crazy always tastes sooooo goooood.

Posted by: Sarina at February 26, 2010 6:26 PM

*crawls out from under table where I was hiding with ZombieNurse*

Nimue, I see you a drink and a hug, and I raise you an ass grab. Deist, grab me a beer please, and one for yourself too--cheers, dude.

Posted by: meaux at February 26, 2010 8:10 PM

Can we go back to fighting? Y'all are making me sick to my stomach.

(Or maybe it's the chemo ... nah, I'm taking drugs for that, so it must be the David Partridge.)

Posted by: ,, at February 26, 2010 8:29 PM

Brass medal, that funky monkey! It works even better because my fallopian tubes are fashioned from a mystical alloy, forged in Hell.

Man, I've been coming here since aught-five and had not noticed the escalating verbal violence that apparently has been plaguing this place. That tells you how tuned in I am. Best wishes to everyone who's going through rough times. I'm getting triaged up the waiting list for my broken brain, so I empathize. Keep up the good fight.

Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Besser at February 26, 2010 9:33 PM

Dammit Bucdaddy, it's KEITH Partridge, and he was played by David CASSIDY. So there is a Keith and a David, but never the twain shall meet! Mostly because one is real and one is pretend, but they're both be-feathered and be-mulleted to hell and back, and I think it would herald an apocalypse if they were to combine their follicular forces.

Posted by: Sarina at February 26, 2010 10:35 PM

Keith David? I like where this is going.

Posted by: Snath at February 27, 2010 1:37 AM

Craig David?

Posted by: Smokin at February 27, 2010 1:41 AM

Sarina,

Yeah, I realized somewhat later that I had melded the two. Perhaps because there didn't seem to be any real difference: fake TV pop star becomes fake real-life pop star. Kind of how "American Idol" works.

Posted by: , at February 27, 2010 10:24 AM

Jo "Mama," Just tell us who we have to kill to move you to the top. The MurderTank hasn't had a good run for awhile.

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