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Two and a Half Men Took the High Road...Then Hilariously Farted On It

By Courtney Enlow | Posted Under Celebrities Are Better than You | Comments (28)

ashton-kutcher-naked-2-half-men-07192011.jpg

September 19, 2011. The night I actually felt sorry for Charlie Sheen. Never forget.

I don’t have much funny to say. Instead, I’m just going to recap what happened in the first ten minutes of “Two and a Half Men.”

It opened on a funeral. An ugly Tommy Bahama shirt and pair of khakis were hung up near the casket. Jon Cryer attempted to give a eulogy to his DEAD BROTHER. Jenny McCarthy starts talking mid-funeral shit. Then other past guest stars start naming off all the STDs Charlie Harper gave them. Holland Taylor begins weepingly begging people to respect the loss of her DEAD SON, then tries to sell his house. The girls talk more shit. The chick from Heavenly Creatures shows up, and we learn she murdered him by throwing him in front of a train where he exploded like, AND I QUOTE, “a balloon full of meat.”

Guys, I like brutal. But that shit was uncomfortable.

Charlie Sheen is a hooker beating, Kelly Preston shooting, disaster machine. And that show made me actually pity him. I cannot imagine they were going for that level of emotional confusion. I mean, Jesus, show. You devoted an entire episode attempting to decimate a violent drug addict by calling him a violent drug addict, when he was a fucking violent drug addict the whole time he was on you, he just happened to a violent drug addict that you hid from us better. Did it feel good to just state the really cruel obvious for twenty minutes? At a certain point, it’s shooting up fish in a barrel.

Also, what was the deal with all the comments about Ashton’s penis? That was weird.

Lest we forget, on Emmy night, Charlie Sheen offered up the single most threatening set of well wishes ever uttered. I thought it was his final soliloquy before impaling Chuck Lorre with Jim Parsons, but, no. Now I totally know that it was his way of making the show look mean and shitty. AND, DUDE, IT WORKED.

Then of course, Comedy Central presented one of those hilarious roast things. Science dictates that Comedy Central roasts are the only place white people are allowed to make hideously awkward racist jokes and people are supposed to pretend they’re funny (a “black people like grape soda” joke went down). Everyone made jokes about how Charlie Sheen is going to be dead soon and hurts ladies and showed videos of his complete and total public meltdown. It was funny? I don’t know. Kate Walsh, who is a person apparently, made a joke about Sheen holding a knife to his wife’s throat, and then the camera cut to the fucking wife who took it in the kind of stride only a drug addled abused wife could. I want to cry in the tub.

I feel…many feelings. And I don’t like that. So fuck you, everything that happened last night. You’ve bad touched my soul.

Jesus. I need to take all the showers.









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Comments

'Two and a Half Men' has always been a classless and idiotic show- Kutcher's arrival neither helps or hurts, and whoever thought Charlie Sheen possessed a sense of humor obviously doesn't know what one is.

Posted by: GMan at September 20, 2011 2:08 PM

Could you make my shower the first one?

Posted by: , at September 20, 2011 2:09 PM

Sheen and his whole dog-and-pony show is so awkward and gross. Nothing is really funny about it. It just feels dark, sad, and destructive.

Posted by: Sassafrass Green at September 20, 2011 2:25 PM

I didn't watch the roast, but I was subjected to numerous promos for it on Canada's Comedy Network, where it was backed by "Crazy Train."

Ha..?

Posted by: Melodie at September 20, 2011 2:30 PM

Courtney, I agree TOTALLY.
I felt so uncomfortable last night watching the show take what amounted to "cheap shots" after Sheen wished them well at the Emmys.
It all seemed SO petty. He won.

Posted by: Jamie at September 20, 2011 2:39 PM

We stumbled on the roast and watched about 10 minutes of it. We saw Jeff Ross, an otherwise completely repellent comedian, who was fearless, merciless and horribly funny.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at September 20, 2011 2:43 PM

I chose to actively ignore both "Two and a Half Men" and the Comedy Central Roast, even though there were incessant promos for both during the hour of "How I Met Your Mother," and "Attack of the Show" before that, because I knew you'd break it down for us but good. I feel pretty good about my choice, but terrible for you, Courtney.

We really must learn to stop punishing ourselves for our Art.

Posted by: RobP at September 20, 2011 3:33 PM

I dont know what y'all thought was gonna happen they didn't fire the writers you know.

I dont know how much the kid gets per episode but man I want his deal he had like two fart jokes and made what 150k?

Posted by: logan at September 20, 2011 3:34 PM

Thanks for taking this one for us. I would never watch any of this, but I must admit I read your summary with morbid fascination.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at September 20, 2011 3:39 PM

I'm always surprised at the amount of regulars to this site that neither go to movies or watch tv. I've never seen so many people so avidly uninterested in something.

Posted by: logan at September 20, 2011 3:50 PM

Just stopped by to remind everyone that Chuck Lorre made that woman-beating, dangerously unstable drug addict one of the highest-paid TV stars on a comedy show with a child on it. And only fired him when he insulted Chuck Lorre.

#never forget

Posted by: Three-nineteen at September 20, 2011 4:16 PM

" I mean, Jesus, show."

Hee, a simple little gem. Thanks, CE. I will be regifting this sentence in my earnest talks with Breaking Bad about the oversparkliness of Jesse's t-shirts.

Posted by: Stacy D at September 20, 2011 4:24 PM

I saw a few minutes of the roast when some blonde comedian who was introduced as the "fourth runner up on the fifth season of 'Last Comic Standing'". I have no idea who she is, but she was brutal. I found her funny in the cruelest way, though the audience seemed to have a tough time laughing.

She seemed to be a newbie who was going balls-in.

Posted by: Sara Tonin at September 20, 2011 4:24 PM

I was at the dentist this morning getting a filling and the doctor and technician were discussing "Two and a Half Men."

Stuck in a chair with a drill in my mouth, listening to them talk about how hilarious it was. I wanted to grab the dental drill and drive it into their throats.

Posted by: TK at September 20, 2011 4:59 PM

I've watched maybe 3 episodes of "Two and a Half Men"over the years but decided to check it out last night out of curiosity.
I quit with only 5 minutes left to the end.
It was horribly unfunny and cliche and seemed like a personal message/attack against Charlie. It felt even meaner than the roast because it wasn't being said to his face, like a bunch of gossipy bitches giggling over how close their "jokes" could come to his real life character.
Even the comments about Ashton's big dick seemed to be about portraying his character as more viral and masculine than Sheen so that all the fans of Sheen could identify unconsciously with the new character.

I laughed at the roast I admit, there was some funny jokes throughout and Charlie is a good sport. Every once in a while I remembered what I was laughing about and it confused me.

Posted by: K at September 20, 2011 5:50 PM

I happened to turn on the TV last night and caught "Two and a Half Men" just as it was starting. The whole notion of burying (TV) Charlie Sheen when he is alive (in Real Life) was well, morbid to me. The only joke I liked in the whole episode involved Greg and Dharma (yes, I watched that show--another one by Chuck Lorre) coming to the open house. By now their honeymoon phase has long passed, so they are a bickering hostile couple who are together for financial reasons. I _liked_ that.

Posted by: True_Blue at September 20, 2011 6:27 PM

I liked Greg and Dharma, and your comment made me sad, True_Blue.

Posted by: Stella at September 20, 2011 6:36 PM

TK, methinks it's time to get a new dentist.

Posted by: RobP at September 20, 2011 6:46 PM

I mean, REAHHLLY, I was absolute SHOCKED by the VULGAR display I witnessed on my television machine last evening. I mean, how DARE they! I broke right through my special twiddling pearls and snapped my lorgnette absolutely in two. I mean, REAHHLLY!

Posted by: MyStars&Garters at September 20, 2011 6:50 PM

Truer fucking words, Rob. That's the second time those fucks have waited until I had a mouth full of pointy things before they started blathering about shitty TV.

Posted by: TK at September 20, 2011 6:50 PM

What Stars&Garters said. Congrats on NOT watching the shows on moral grounds or whatever. I've got my DVR MACHINE set to record the roast replay and expect to laugh at the meanness. Cuz it's a roast and THERE ARE NO BOUNDARIES!

Posted by: stryker1121 at September 20, 2011 7:06 PM

I watched the roast. I was amazed at how low on the entertainment ladder they had to go to get panel members. And only that unfunny blond woman was remotely funny. The problem that I, and almost everyone else I assume, is that Sheen is scum. A violent abusive man. With a horrible history of violence against women. Not funny. Not worthy of such attention.

Posted by: Sean at September 20, 2011 10:05 PM

Hey guys, remember The Arrival? That was a pretty cool movie, huh?

Posted by: Robin at September 20, 2011 10:24 PM

Roasts are awful -- but not quite as pad as hiring a girl to blow you and then beating her because she can't really escape in time. That seems a whole lot less harsh then carrying a feud into a sitcom. Clutch your pearls if you must but remember who we're talking about here.
F^&k Charlie Sheen. Truly.

Posted by: negative 1 at September 20, 2011 11:18 PM

I didn't watch his roast but I did read a pretty good joke from it: You're like Bruce Willis; popular in the 80s and now your old slot's filled by Ashton Kutcher.

Posted by: Even Stevens at September 21, 2011 12:45 AM

I stopped watching Two and a Half Men after about the 3rd season because it was a one joke show. Charlie gets laid, Alan gets screwed, Jake gets gas....ok a three joke show.

Watched the new show because I hope it succeeds and shuts Charlie F-cken Sheen's mouth for good and he goes away, not dead, just away. It was pretty much the same show with grown up Kelso, and who doesn't love Kelso? I know...I know
( ducking shoes)

I just look at it like it's a spin off that I won't watch.

Posted by: kirbyjay at September 21, 2011 9:55 AM

Never saw a minute of "2 1/2" and never will. I should note that my squeaky-clean in-laws (in their 70s) loved it. My SiL had a great line about that: She said for them it was probably like watching porn.

Posted by: , at September 21, 2011 10:38 AM

Wow, I wish I'd seen this review before I watched that roast! What a fucking waste of time.

Quick note to 'comedians' if you want to use edgy humour the key is not in the first word if it's without the second one.

The racist jokes were shit, and I talk as an afficionado. Being racist doesn't magically make your shitty unfunny joke 'edgy and funny' it makes it shitty unfunny and now a bit racist.

Posted by: Ender at September 27, 2011 5:26 AM