September 19, 2011. The night I actually felt sorry for Charlie Sheen. Never forget.
I don’t have much funny to say. Instead, I’m just going to recap what happened in the first ten minutes of “Two and a Half Men.”
It opened on a funeral. An ugly Tommy Bahama shirt and pair of khakis were hung up near the casket. Jon Cryer attempted to give a eulogy to his DEAD BROTHER. Jenny McCarthy starts talking mid-funeral shit. Then other past guest stars start naming off all the STDs Charlie Harper gave them. Holland Taylor begins weepingly begging people to respect the loss of her DEAD SON, then tries to sell his house. The girls talk more shit. The chick from Heavenly Creatures shows up, and we learn she murdered him by throwing him in front of a train where he exploded like, AND I QUOTE, “a balloon full of meat.”
Guys, I like brutal. But that shit was uncomfortable.
Charlie Sheen is a hooker beating, Kelly Preston shooting, disaster machine. And that show made me actually pity him. I cannot imagine they were going for that level of emotional confusion. I mean, Jesus, show. You devoted an entire episode attempting to decimate a violent drug addict by calling him a violent drug addict, when he was a fucking violent drug addict the whole time he was on you, he just happened to a violent drug addict that you hid from us better. Did it feel good to just state the really cruel obvious for twenty minutes? At a certain point, it’s shooting up fish in a barrel.
Also, what was the deal with all the comments about Ashton’s penis? That was weird.
Lest we forget, on Emmy night, Charlie Sheen offered up the single most threatening set of well wishes ever uttered. I thought it was his final soliloquy before impaling Chuck Lorre with Jim Parsons, but, no. Now I totally know that it was his way of making the show look mean and shitty. AND, DUDE, IT WORKED.
Then of course, Comedy Central presented one of those hilarious roast things. Science dictates that Comedy Central roasts are the only place white people are allowed to make hideously awkward racist jokes and people are supposed to pretend they’re funny (a “black people like grape soda” joke went down). Everyone made jokes about how Charlie Sheen is going to be dead soon and hurts ladies and showed videos of his complete and total public meltdown. It was funny? I don’t know. Kate Walsh, who is a person apparently, made a joke about Sheen holding a knife to his wife’s throat, and then the camera cut to the fucking wife who took it in the kind of stride only a drug addled abused wife could. I want to cry in the tub.
I feel…many feelings. And I don’t like that. So fuck you, everything that happened last night. You’ve bad touched my soul.
Jesus. I need to take all the showers.