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Playboy: Lindsay Lohan's Last Gasp?

By Courtney Enlow | Posted Under Celebrities Are Better than You | Comments (43)

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And, yes, that’s Lindsay Lohan in that header photo. Not Renee Zellweger. It threw me off, too.

Good news, 2004! Lindsay Lohan is going to shake her meth potatoes for Playboy! Gracious me, what did we do to deserve this bounty? Besides, you know, reject her as the human disaster she is and watch as her career flickered and faded like a Betamaxx life monitor before existing now only as celebrity algae.

Other than all that, she’s doing awesome.

Lindsay Lohan, as you know, is not high on my list of people to feel sorry for. I tend to not give pieces of my waning pity pile to those who do things like refuse to go to community service at a battered women’s shelter because the mean abuse victims and those who volunteer their time to help them just weren’t nice enough to the drug addled famous girl who hits strollers with her car. She might be someone who might be addicted to drugs, but purported drug addiction is not her biggest problem. Her biggest problem is what a vile, entitled twuntnugget she is.

But, for those of you who have goodly and decent hearts and feel sorry for this person, you needn’t worry. Lindsay just scored herself nearly a million dollars to pose for Playboy, huzzah! Finally! What nobody’s been clamoring for! See all the things you’ve already seen, just airbrushed beyond the point of animation!

Lindsay will join an elite and elegant history of ladies by doing her spread (pun intended, I think, I don’t know, whatever). Stars of stage and screen alike, whose careers were in no way in jeopardy when they posed for the magazine as some last-ditch effort to save a dying ember, or launch themselves to pseudo-relevance. Ladies like…

  • Police Academy 5 star and Wayne Gretzky’s wife, Janet Jones
  • Denise Richards
  • LaToya Jackson
  • Willa Ford, star of an Anna Nicole Smith biopic and one-sorta-hit-wonder
  • Dana Plato
  • Corey Feldman’s wife
  • Kim Kardashian, who is actually too famous and has too much going on right now to pose again. Stew on that one.
  • 1995 Drew Barrymore. Let’s in no way confuse that with pre- or post-1995 Drew Barrymore.

Oh, Lindsay, you have truly joined the celebrity elite.

All joking aside, let’s be real for a minute. It’s a goddamn miracle she’s doing this well.









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Comments

eww...why is she all lumpy and saggy? talk bout major softon.

Posted by: haplo at October 25, 2011 2:19 PM

You should've titled this whole article: Tap Shoes + Obituary = Dance Party.

Posted by: Skitz at October 25, 2011 2:20 PM

I still have the June 2004 issue of Playboy when Charisma Carpenter posed.

I am not ashamed.

Well, to be perfectly honest? I am ashamed. Just not of that.

Posted by: Groundloop at October 25, 2011 2:26 PM

What happened to the days when Playboy would have young models in their early 20's posing?

Posted by: Protoguy at October 25, 2011 2:29 PM

I don't know if I want to see her vagina.

Scratch that.

I don't.

She used to have a really great figure.

Thanks meth...I mean cocaine.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at October 25, 2011 2:33 PM

or she could skip this step and go directly to Rock of Love Bus #5

Posted by: Alexis at October 25, 2011 2:35 PM

Oh, my LiLo. I thought she looked a lot like Dana Plato in those "dirty teeth" photos from a little while ago.

Seeing her name on that list o' sad centrefolds gave me the wiggins.

Posted by: Melodie at October 25, 2011 2:48 PM

Let us not forget that Willa Ford is also a BSB ex-girlfriend.

Posted by: MeganTheFirst at October 25, 2011 2:50 PM

"celebrity algae"

I'm copping that.

Posted by: , at October 25, 2011 2:54 PM

My version of this page has a "Rehab Center for Women" ad at the top. Google is wiley, y'all.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at October 25, 2011 3:01 PM

I was looking at this website recently that listed the net worth of various celebrities. Oprah was up in the billions, of course. Eminem was worth $115 million and Justin Bieber was worth $85 million, which was enough to enrage me even without being an Eminem fan.

And Lindsay Lohan? Five. Hundred. Thousand. That's more money than I'll ever see, but still, that's just SAD.

Posted by: Todd at October 25, 2011 3:11 PM

Eh, cut Denise Richards and Drew Barrymore some slack (even with that 1995 qualifier). They're both cool and have it together these days.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at October 25, 2011 3:17 PM

Talk about a boner killer.

Na seriously, how is this for an idea for a shirt. It's basically exactly like the "I'm with stupid" shirt, but instead of saying that, it just says "boner killer". With the arrow pointing...

S'awesome, right?

Posted by: googergieger at October 25, 2011 4:05 PM

Gretchen, stop trying to make fetch happen! It's not going to happen!

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at October 25, 2011 4:23 PM

Anyone else think she's secretly a high-priced call girl now?
Anyone?

Posted by: superasente at October 25, 2011 4:26 PM

I think she has very limited options for making money.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at October 25, 2011 4:31 PM

I hate the fact I'm gay enough to get that reference, Julien. I blame my hag. Who also made me the only man in the audience while watching Bridesmaids.

Posted by: googergieger at October 25, 2011 4:32 PM

Don't blame the hag, man.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at October 25, 2011 4:44 PM

Posing for Playboy is hardly so controversial or condemning. Marylin Monroe and Jayne Mansfield did it, along with countless others. Would anyone have a big issue with an actress appearing nude in a film? What is the difference? The soft core, soft focus, prop laden photo spreads in Playboy are weak sauce as far as porn goes. If the woman thinks this is a stepping stone to being treated as an adult actor as opposed to a waify child star-gone-wrong, then she is probably right. Now, whether she is a detestable wreck of a person is another argument altogether. Look at the bright side, maybe she will use some of her fee for the photos to buy herself some decent rehab, as opposed to the day-spa's she has gone to before. (Yeah, I know, unlikely.)

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at October 25, 2011 4:50 PM

This is why all hot young actresses should have tasteful nude photo shoots done of themselves early on and then locked away. then, one day when they need the coin, and after they have lost the looks that made them famous, they can sell those pictures for a mint.

Imagine what playboy would have paid for nude photos of her that were taken when Mean Girls was made?

Posted by: Kerminy at October 25, 2011 5:06 PM

Other you could add to the list - Belinda Carlisle, Tiffany, Debbie Gibson (after they were all older than their prime days). I think Drew Barrymore in 1995 was in her prime, and was a legitimate free spirit, i.e. did it because she wanted to, not because she thought she needed to.

Posted by: Pat C. at October 25, 2011 5:27 PM

Don't forget Farrah Fawcett, Joan Crawford, the woman who married Mike Tyson from Head of the Class. It is a long, long list.

Posted by: Kerminy at October 25, 2011 5:29 PM

Oh stop judging, you big ole meanies. Crack is expensive you know. Or maybe you don't. Well now you do.

Posted by: cinekat at October 25, 2011 5:34 PM

Nevermind Lohan, how desperate is Playboy in trying to stay relevant if they're trying to recruit someone who clearly needs help? She doesn't need to be enabled with $1 million, she needs a locked down rehab.

Lohan already looked haggard far beyond her years when she shot the Monroe-esque spread. If the latest pictures of her in court are any indication, Playboy is going to have to shell out major overtime to a hoard of Photoshop artists if they even want a prayer of her looking like anything other than a hopeless, meth-addled drug addict. It's going to be a nightmare to rebuild her stained and rotting teeth. It is going to give someone twitches trying to distinguish between freckles and lesions. And I don't envy how someone is going to accomplish making a "come hither" face from her desperate "I'll screw the key grip for lighter and a spoon" gaze. I'll pass.

Posted by: bleujayone at October 25, 2011 5:48 PM

Gross.

Posted by: Eric at October 25, 2011 6:03 PM

I gotta agree with Lindsey, which is kinda weird since were talking about Lindsay with an a, but this is no big deal. Plenty of down on their luck b-listers have posed for Playboy and plenty more will in the future. It's not like she just won an Oscar and then took Hefs money.

Posted by: logan at October 25, 2011 6:40 PM

Is there any way we can blame this on Disney?

How many trainwrecks has Disney spawned now? Are there enough for a "Girls of Disney" spread, at least? Not that that would ever see the light of day, it's just fun to think about.

Posted by: Slash at October 25, 2011 7:25 PM

Also, that pic up top is not hot. I think Playboy could make ME look better than that, and I'm twice her age.

Posted by: Slash at October 25, 2011 7:27 PM

I think she should lean into the punch, and do the playboy spread with cocaine in the shots, and maybe visible track marks. Then she should leverage her bad reputation, and find a small dark role in a grimy indie.

Posted by: John G. at October 25, 2011 7:48 PM

"Shake her meth potatoes" - HA!!!!!

Posted by: Kelz at October 25, 2011 8:20 PM

Drew Barrymore suffers from stupid face. Like if you knew nothing of her and only ever saw her face, you'd go, "wow that is one stupid face".

Posted by: googergieger at October 25, 2011 10:51 PM

Please, it's not desperation on the part of Playboy. They've been offering her money for a while. They've been offering nearly every celebrity money for a long time. And Lyndsay isn't in any more difficulty than she's been in for the last decade, so the idea that Playboy just offered this to her now that she's "clearly needs help" is bogus, since she's always needed help. The only news is that she accepted. Now that her body has nearly completed it's shitty fall from hotness due to her idiotic inability to be a normal person, and no one really wants to see her naked anymore. I would have thought the nude pics she's already thrown out there, which are probably about as revealing as the Playboy ones will be, would be enough to prove that people really aren't clamouring for more.

In related news, her dad got arrested for domestic abuse. Again. And tried to escape from the police by bailing out of the hospital in his gown.

http://www.tmz.com/2011/10/25/michael-lohan-domestic-violence-hospital-gown-police-video/?adid=hero4

Posted by: Protoguy at October 25, 2011 11:14 PM

The wig in that picture is BEAT DOWN.

Imagine how much money she could make if she REALLY got clean.

I don't feel sorry for her, but there was a time in my life, a little younger than she is now, that with some REAL guidance I'd like to think I would have acted differently.

Seeing that both of her parents are sociopaths (wiping off my armchair psychologist pin) I don't think she has much of a chance.

I give her a year. At least, at this rate.

Posted by: Elle Jae at October 25, 2011 11:30 PM

@Slash - unfortunately, the Playboy pics will be more of the same. Playboy celeb shots are always terrible, like "Pee on me" Kardashian's.

As an aside, can we PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE STOPP!!!!!1! with the Marilyn Monroe-esque shoots?!?!

No one EVER comes close to looking like her, no one EVER comes close to actually looking good in them and no one EVER gives a shit how much you can make yourself look like an old 60's actress. It's not edgy or sexy or fresh (at all). It's like browsing through Facebook or Photobucket and seeing yet another picture of some girl in her bathtub with blood on her. Oh yeah, Lindsay's done that too. It's not hot or fresh, it's old and busted.

I'm going to go on a limb and say Marylin looked good in the 60's because there weren't a whole lot of oversexed sexy sexpots in mainstream media and in that giant void she stood out like a shining star. Taken in the context of 2012, where the VAST majority of supposed "actresses" are doing Maxim or some other slut rag, it's all barely sorta minimally erotic. Sorta.

Posted by: Protoguy at October 25, 2011 11:33 PM

Oh please, everyone knows that doing Playboy these days is the very last, desperate grasp of the fame whore to stay in the public eye. The magazine is failing so badly they'll ask anyone, specially people who are on the very last of their 15 minutes of fame and who will finally agree to pose for them because they want at least one more minute.

Posted by: figgy at October 26, 2011 12:17 AM

My libido screamed and hid.

Posted by: Odnon at October 26, 2011 3:54 AM

//rummaging for her "I'M WITH FIGGY" lapel pin//

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at October 26, 2011 10:16 AM

Firecrotch and saggy coke teets...good thing it's almost Halloween.

Posted by: Kirbyjay at October 26, 2011 10:33 AM

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at October 26, 2011 10:16 AM
---
Some of us never take ours off.

Posted by: , at October 26, 2011 11:08 AM

Then could you use yours "," to poke Kirbyjay in the eye for that rather foul comment?

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at October 26, 2011 12:44 PM

Certainly.

*pokes kirbyjay's eye out*

Wait ... maybe he didn't mean you ...

*puts kirbyjay's eye back in, some of it anyway*

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