Playboy: Lindsay Lohan's Last Gasp?
And, yes, that’s Lindsay Lohan in that header photo. Not Renee Zellweger. It threw me off, too.
Good news, 2004! Lindsay Lohan is going to shake her meth potatoes for Playboy! Gracious me, what did we do to deserve this bounty? Besides, you know, reject her as the human disaster she is and watch as her career flickered and faded like a Betamaxx life monitor before existing now only as celebrity algae.
Other than all that, she’s doing awesome.
Lindsay Lohan, as you know, is not high on my list of people to feel sorry for. I tend to not give pieces of my waning pity pile to those who do things like refuse to go to community service at a battered women’s shelter because the mean abuse victims and those who volunteer their time to help them just weren’t nice enough to the drug addled famous girl who hits strollers with her car. She might be someone who might be addicted to drugs, but purported drug addiction is not her biggest problem. Her biggest problem is what a vile, entitled twuntnugget she is.
But, for those of you who have goodly and decent hearts and feel sorry for this person, you needn’t worry. Lindsay just scored herself nearly a million dollars to pose for Playboy, huzzah! Finally! What nobody’s been clamoring for! See all the things you’ve already seen, just airbrushed beyond the point of animation!
Lindsay will join an elite and elegant history of ladies by doing her spread (pun intended, I think, I don’t know, whatever). Stars of stage and screen alike, whose careers were in no way in jeopardy when they posed for the magazine as some last-ditch effort to save a dying ember, or launch themselves to pseudo-relevance. Ladies like…
- Police Academy 5 star and Wayne Gretzky’s wife, Janet Jones
- Denise Richards
- LaToya Jackson
- Willa Ford, star of an Anna Nicole Smith biopic and one-sorta-hit-wonder
- Dana Plato
- Corey Feldman’s wife
- Kim Kardashian, who is actually too famous and has too much going on right now to pose again. Stew on that one.
- 1995 Drew Barrymore. Let’s in no way confuse that with pre- or post-1995 Drew Barrymore.
Oh, Lindsay, you have truly joined the celebrity elite.
All joking aside, let’s be real for a minute. It’s a goddamn miracle she’s doing this well.