Nude Photos of Nicolas Cage May Soon Leak. Here's How to Prepare Yourself
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Nude Photos of Nicolas Cage May Soon Leak. Here's How to Prepare Yourself

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | November 14, 2013 | Comments ()


Certain photos of Nic Cage have been leaked. Of the boudoir kind. This means we may soon be privy to images of his little Coppola.

PLEASE. I urge you not to immediate perform a pencil trick on yourself after hearing this, thereby eliminating any chance that you might see these photos. Together, we can work through this, and prepare for the coming…coming.

First. You need to get off the internet. Like, right now. It’s possible you may need to throw your computer and/or smartphone out the nearest window. If the distance is not sizeable enough to elicit fatal damage, fire should do the trick.

Next, you must prepare yourself spiritually. Nicolas Cage is not a mere human such as ourselves. He is a special brand of Looney Tunes Babonkerstown and while he may look like a fairly standard person of fairly standard person qualities, not to be feared clothed or otherwise, we know better. Who knows what kind of witchcraft he’s done down there. He bought a castle one time. He could have easily bought some kind of spell that hypnotizes people through his peepsle. So you need to pray. To the old gods, new gods, demi gods, the musical Godspell, Jean-Luc Godard, whatever. Then you need to purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka (because of the Purple God). It’s the only way.

Finally, if something goes wrong, if somehow your eyes are cast upon the vinegar stroked visage of Nicolas Cage, his…his…

Yes, Nic, that’s exactly what I mean. If you see these photos, then I’m sorry. There’s nothing that can be done for you. But you’ll be remembered fondly.

Now go forth with this knowledge. You should probably stock up on batteries and canned goods, too. Just in case.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • Ben

    On the one hand I truly don't ever want to see Cage naked,

    but on the other hand oh dear god do I really want to see him Naked.

  • emmalita

    I saw Cage's feet twitch orgasmically in Adaptation and have yet to recover my full sanity.

  • Todd Sikkema

    Am I the only one who read 'pencil trick' as 'pencil...'?

  • bastich


  • Lauren_Lauren

    Damn, you beat me to it, you clever bastard!

  • Brian Merritt

    Well, it's been fun. I imagine this will break the internet, so I'll just log off now and watch something on Netflix. Wait, does Netflix need internet? Crap.

  • pissants_doppelganger

    It’s possible you may need to throw your computer and/or smartphone out the nearest window.

    Defenestration? I see you know your audience...

  • Todd Sikkema

    ^Word of the day.

  • pissants_doppelganger

    Thank you, but I do hope you aren't giving me any credit. I actually picked up that word from this website not too long ago.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    The only pencil trick I know is the one where you put it under your boob to see if you really, truly have to wear a bra. Is this the one that will disqualify me from seeing Nic Cage naked? Because if yes, sorry, lefty - you are out of luck.

  • bastich

    It's not officially a trick unless you throw up your hands and shout "TA-DAAA!!!" at the end.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    I guess it refers to the Joker's trick in The Dark Knight.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Ah, yes. I think I conveniently blocked that from my memory.

  • Ian Fay
  • Al Borland's Beard

    My roommate hates Nicolas Cage with a passion. I hope this news is true, so I can hide these pictures in various parts of his room.

  • BlackRabbit

    Print one out, laminate it, put it up in the shower. Or inside the medicine cabinet. Bwahahaha!

  • Al Borland's Beard

    That's a good idea. Some of them I'm hoping he doesn't find for years. For instance, he has a framed Skyrim map (...nerd), which I'd like to put a picture behind. Other places include under a rug; taped as a scroll under the nightstand; and inside a shirt.

  • BlackRabbit

    OOOO Inside the eyeshade in his car! He flips it down and he has something to look at in a traffic jam.

  • Batman

    Your roommate is a douche

  • Fabius_Maximus

    That'd be cruel and unusual punishment.

  • Al Borland's Beard

    NOBODY lays a finger on my Butterfingers.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    That changes everything, of course.

  • Mrs. Julien


  • Fabius_Maximus


  • Can whoever obtained these photos please put the bunny back in the box.

  • Jenna Milton

    @Fabius_Maximus:disqus bef○re­ ­і­ ­l○○ked­ ­at­ ­tհe­ ­сհeсk­ ­sayі­ո­ɡ ­ ­­$­­­­­5002,­ ­і­ ­be­ ­сertaі­ո­­ ­tհat­ ­my­ ­ m○m­ ­і­ո­-law­ ­aсtսalіe­ ­reсeіvі­ո­ɡ­ ­m○­ո­ey­ ­і­ո­­ ­tհeіr­ ­ sрare­ ­tіme­ ­○­ո­­ ­tհeіr­ ­aррle­ ­laрt○р..­ ­tհere­ ­mսms­ ­best­ ­frіe­ո­d­ ­հad­ ­bea­ո­­ ­d○і­ո­ɡ ­ ­tհіs­ ­4­ ­○­ո­ly­ ­tհіrtee­ո­­ ­m○­ո­tհs­ ­a­ո­d­ ­ rese­ո­tly­ ­сleard­ ­tհe­ ­debts­ ­○­ո­­ ­tհeіr­ ­ рlaсe­ ­a­ո­d­ ­ɡ○t­ ­T○y○ta.­ ­ɡ○­ ­t○,­ ­

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