Certain photos of Nic Cage have been leaked. Of the boudoir kind. This means we may soon be privy to images of his little Coppola.
PLEASE. I urge you not to immediate perform a pencil trick on yourself after hearing this, thereby eliminating any chance that you might see these photos. Together, we can work through this, and prepare for the coming…coming.
First. You need to get off the internet. Like, right now. It’s possible you may need to throw your computer and/or smartphone out the nearest window. If the distance is not sizeable enough to elicit fatal damage, fire should do the trick.
Next, you must prepare yourself spiritually. Nicolas Cage is not a mere human such as ourselves. He is a special brand of Looney Tunes Babonkerstown and while he may look like a fairly standard person of fairly standard person qualities, not to be feared clothed or otherwise, we know better. Who knows what kind of witchcraft he’s done down there. He bought a castle one time. He could have easily bought some kind of spell that hypnotizes people through his peepsle. So you need to pray. To the old gods, new gods, demi gods, the musical Godspell, Jean-Luc Godard, whatever. Then you need to purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka (because of the Purple God). It’s the only way.
Finally, if something goes wrong, if somehow your eyes are cast upon the vinegar stroked visage of Nicolas Cage, his…his…
Now go forth with this knowledge. You should probably stock up on batteries and canned goods, too. Just in case.