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Miley Cyrus' Horrifying New Sex Toy Is, Uh, Not For Rookies

By Dustin Rowles | Celebrities Are Better than You | March 7, 2014 | Comments ()


Screen Shot 2014-03-07 at 11.56.00 AM.png

The always classy Miley Cyrus, with whom the public is growing ever weary, decided to up her game this week by tweeting out a couple of photos of her favorite new toy.

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You may not have realized, at first, that what you were looking at above was a sex toy, but the hand-shaped dild* is exactly that: The newest innovation is home-f*sting (I feel like f*st in this context really need an asterisk).

Miley’s review of the Hand of Adonis: “The Emoji for fisting, fingering, and thumbs up.”

Just try unseeing that, folks.

via Gawker




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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • bleujayone

    WAIT DAMN MINUTE! Didn't the Ninth Doctor show up for the very first time running around with one of these things? And didn't he toss it to Rose after which it tried to assault her? HE GAVE HER AN ALIEN SEX TOY?!?!?!?

    *geek mind caving in*

  • Rodney Blazely

    wh* th* FUCK ar* y*u us*ing ast*r*sks?

  • kirbyjay

    Ever notice that the Milester is usually rather demure on top but x-rated in her crotch area? Between grabbing at it and her lip-splitting costumes, not to mention the foot long tongue.....That's the stuff for the BAU. (Behavioral Analysis Unit)

  • LwoodPDowd

    I've decided to try and hijack this thread with terms you absolutely should not google. I'll start it off. meatotomy

    Let's see your best, Pajiba, and hopefully we can all resist curiosity.

  • e jerry powell

    You simply don't want me to go to that place.

  • 'Harlequin ichthyosis'

  • LwoodPDowd

    cyclopia

  • Trypophobia

  • LwoodPDowd

    tetratophilia

  • Coolg82

    Its an actual dildo? I thought it was just a mannequin's arm. It would be much cheaper just to steal an arm from the petite section at J.C. Penny. There is a thought for you.

  • kirbyjay

    Why petite? I thought size mattered?

  • Coolg82

    It does. Thats why I went petite. If thats not enough, then you can move up the size scale, but if you skipped right to hulk-hands for some fisting fun, you are likely to do damage beyond the scope of abilities of the highest quality spackle or duct tape.

  • Oh God... I'm just thinking of every armless mannequin I've ever seen. No wonder there's never anyone at the register.

  • pending

    Don't worry, she probably just uses it for patting herself on the back about how edgy she is.

  • My roommate's step-cousin's dog groomer gave handjobs in the maintenance bay of the downtown Spokane Greyhound station until 2009, when she grabbed an exhaust pipe with her business hand and burned it beyond human recognition. She almost went bankrupt and had to sell her 2007 Pontiac Grand Am, before she found LadyFingers.com while working on the computer for what was supposed to be $32/hr but WASN'T. Now she's a world-famous singer! Find out more: http://youtu.be/My2FRPA3Gf8

  • e jerry powell

    Doesn't that LadyFingers.com domain belong to that Carrie Prejean person?

  • Uriah_Creep

    Hey, you're not a spambot!

  • shhh! Deep cover.

  • Uriah_Creep

    OK, but the other spambot ladies promise almost-new cars, so if you want me to keep your secret, I will need a 2012 or later Audi R8. Please and thank you!

  • e jerry powell

    You'll take a Volvo S80 and like it, young man...

  • Uriah_Creep

    Oh come now, Jerry. Volvos are for chicks, and possibly for old queens (I guess you would know about the second part of that statement). ^_^

  • e jerry powell

    Don't make me get out of this chair and come after you...

    :-P

  • Uriah_Creep

    Oh you flirt...

  • BWeaves

    Yeah, they know how to spell.

  • Al Borland's Beard

    And that's why you always leave a note.

  • Bert_McGurt

    ...

  • Rebecca Hachmyer

    I think I just got that.

  • e jerry powell

    But did you want it?

  • e jerry powell

    Miley Cyrus is a rank amateur. She needs to start hanging out in some of my friends' dungeons if she wants to see some worthwhile sex toys.

    We are not impressed.

    And if you can't take a real fist, why bother?

  • LwoodPDowd

    Exactly, if you get into suspension then we're talking kinky, but this...meh

  • e jerry powell

    Well, suspension combined with electrostim and flogging, anyway...

    (Yeah, I've been around the block a few times; there's a great deal I could show Miss Miley, but since she's just doing all this to be shocking, I'm willing to bet she won't want to go there.)

  • logan

    I read that Jennifer Lawrence has two of them.

  • NoPantsMcLane

    Does 'dildo' and 'fisting' need to be censored now? Really?

  • Davis

    An adult masturbating in 2014....whatever next miley

  • ZbornakSyndrome

    Alright Miley, you're done. If you can't think of anything more shocking than "I'm sexually active and kinda, sorta, maybe kinky!", you have utterly failed at being whatever type of badass you think you are.
    Either bite the head off a bat, or just calm the hell down, you're reaching Gaga levels of try-hard.

    http://i.imgur.com/KiBQh.gif

  • Sean

    You can't say "fisting" here? Why not?

  • Al Borland's Beard

    I'd still rather see that over seeing the Billy Ray Cyrus rap video again. At least with this, I wouldn't be the one being fisted.

  • bleujayone

    The first time I saw one of those was in 1987 in the movie "Summer School". Chainsaw had it handcuffed to himself and was using it as an alarm clock. Thankfully, he had it fingerbanging his neck to arouse him instead of his crotch.

  • melissa82

    love that movie

  • kirbyjay

    Me too!

  • Repo

    I always wondered how I would turn into a grumpy old man. Got it now.

  • Ryan Ambrose

    Kids these days with their hand-shaped dildos, back in my d-

    [is advised to not finish that sentence]

  • BWeaves

    . . . back in my day, hand-shaped dildos were made out of wood, with real splinters.

  • Bert_McGurt

    Believe it or not, a (male) coworker of mine at the ol' fur trade fort actually carved a wooden dildo one summer. I neglected to ask whether it saw any use, perhaps for fear of inviting the same level of over-share we received when someone inquired about his recent "Prince Albert" modification.

  • kirbyjay

    Mr. Kirbyjay did that too! It was a joke, not for actual you-know-what, and he also carved his own pipes, not for tobacco but for you-know-what.
    He's a carpenter, he knows wood.

  • Jackie Pressley Sproat

    The first time I saw one of those was on Mythbusters. Seriously. Go back to the older episodes, especially the one where Jamie has to punch a shark in the nose. They have one of the pointy ones and one of the balled-up-fist style that they make molds from and use them on many episodes. Not sure they knew what they were or maybe they did and didn't care. So glad they don't use them anymore -- not after seeing these photos.

  • Wrestling Fan

    oh, they knew. The fists were shown to be purchased at an adult store.

  • e jerry powell

    On every other street corner in San Francisco, really.

  • jon29

    See how the fingers are? Positively demure, compared to Belladonna's Bitch F*st™

  • Sean

    I miss Belladonna.

  • e jerry powell

    Did she die? I mean, she's had sex on camera as recently as 2012.

  • Sean

    That was the point. She retired then. Losing her and Bobbi Starr the same year was hard on perverts.

  • e jerry powell

    Very few people ever actually "retire" from porn altogether. Fear not, there are plenty in line perfectly deserving of your pervitude.
    ;-)

  • Sean

    But they won't be as good at it!

  • e jerry powell

    You know very well that that's hardly the point.
    ;-)

  • Wrestling Fan

    ..

  • NateMan

    Hate to tell ya, but they've had those for years. I remember going shopping for fun toys like a decade ago with my ex, and they had them then. They come in black too for the racially discerning pervert!

  • RobynRobotron

    Yeah, but Miley's is new, at least let's hope so.

  • Mrs. Julien

    You "hate to tell us", eh? I bet you couldn't wait one more second. Look at you reveling in sullying us with your thorough knowledge of erotic simulated appendages.

  • e jerry powell

    A black that doesn't exist in nature outside of Kenya, apparently. But seriously, who expects accuracy in sex toys these days?

  • Speaking on behalf of the male gender, let's all be grateful she's found some way to pleasure herself that would spare all men from having to be actually present in her company. Go get busy, young woman, and leave us all the hell alone.

    And get out of my yard!

  • Added bonus: no possibility of reproduction.

  • I hope you're right, but I don't rule out the possibility of her being able to bud like bacteria. She shares so many traits, so it would not be a surprise.

  • thebeardedlady

    For me, the worst thing was the first picture made it look like it had long fingernails. Much worse then the witch hand it appears to be in the second photo.

  • I'm out. Shut it down.

    http://gifrific.com/wp-content...

  • stella

    Is it ok that that is precisely the way I've always imagined you?

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    Meh. Do you, boo-boo.

  • Valhallaback Girl

    Great. Now there's going to be cheap knock off fists with tongues sticking out of them (trademark)

  • Amanda M. Wilson

    іf­ y○ս­ tհіոk­ Maոսel`s­ st○ry­ іs­ ɡ○○d...,­ 2­ weaks-aɡ○­ my­ с○սsіո­ als○­ made­ $4262­ w○rkіո­ a­ 40­ հ○սrs­ m○ոtհ­ fr○m­ tհere­ aрartmeոt­ aոd­ tհey're­ bսddy's­ steр-aսոt`s­ ոeіɡհb○սr­ was­ d○іոɡ­ tհіs­ f○r­ 8-m○ոtհs­ aոd­ aсtսally­ earոt­ ○ver­ $4262­ іո­ tհeіr­ sрare­ tіme­ ○ո-­ lіոe.­ aррlіe­ tհe­ tірs­ avaіlable­ ○ո­ tհіs­ рaɡe..... http://Googlejobcreation2014fullyhw3a....

    ◛◛◛ ◛◛◛ ◛◛◛⪕ ◛◛◛ ◛◛◛� ◛◛◛ ◛◛◛hey come in black too for the racially discerning pervert!
    http://i1276.photobucket.com/a...

  • e jerry powell

    Better patent that design now...

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