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LOVE IS DEAD FOREVER | A Look Back at Tom and Katie, The Greatest Love Story of Our or Any Time

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | June 29, 2012 | Comments ()


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As you've no doubt heard, likely screamed from a mountaintop, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have decided that he really needs these next few movies to work and being single might be better for publicity to take the five year option rather than the ten end their totally real and beautiful union.

I know you're probably really going through something right now. And that's okay. Cry it out. Let it flow. Let's take a look back.

Ahem. Just press play. Feel your feelings.

From the awkward kisses...

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...to the awkward leading...

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...to the overly excited hugging...

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...to just trying too damn hard...

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...to love's transformative properties.

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Thank you, Tom and Katie, for teaching us what love could really be: forced into your skull through the use of a designated Scientology brainwashing bus built by slaves. Let the next Tom Cruise wife search commence (don't worry, Scarlett Johansson, Jennifer Garner and Jessica Alba--you're still off the list).

And never forget that Suri owns your soul.

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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • Fred

    I bet his next wife will be that social climbing famewhore Blake Lively.

  • funtime42

    I imagine that she's most looking forward to standing straight. Judging from the pictures she's been stooping since the second date. Kinda reminds me of Diana's "Fuck You" dress. We knew it was over when she wore shoes with heels...

  • BierceAmbrose

    For years I've wanted to get a dog named "Spot", just so I can say "Out, out, damn spot." Dogs are social, so you really want two, but what to name the other? Now I know, and I shall say "Bad Thetan. Bad, bad Thetan."

    Who says Tomm-boy and Scientology never did anything for anyone? Solved my problem, did they not.

    (Also, L. Ron had to be a cat person. Cat's *are* evil alien parasites who live by draining our souls.)

  • Holfax

    I haven't been this devastated since the break-up of MJ and Lisa Marie. WHY MUST TRUE LOVE DIE?

  • F'mal DeHyde

    Y'know, I've got nothing against Tom Cruise. I've enjoyed many of his movies, sometimes against my will (I'm looking at you, Last Samurai) but he's always come across mildly creepy off the screen. Katie Holmes on the other hand seemed like a lovely young woman that had a bright future so when she married him, my opinion of her plummeted. Not logical since I obviously don't know either one but I bet I'm not alone in feeling this way. I hope she can recover from this mess, at least Nicole Kidman didn't come across as a brain washed robot during their marriage.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    I have the impression that Katie Holmes is not especially bright. She possibly really thought that the "church" wouldn't be so bad. Nicole Kidman on the other hand seems pretty smart to me.

  • thaneofmemphis

    A love that would last a lunchtime.

  • rockthecaspar

    How can I ever believe in anything, ever again. For the record, my money is on Amanda Seyfried for the next death-bride. She's up-and-coming but not that good, seems vulnerable and suggestible, and is a human woman.

  • CarpeJugulum

    But she is openly on antidepressants - a big no-no. But then, Tom would have something to "fix". Run Amanda!
    Aren't the Co$ trying to break into India?
    Up and coming Indian actresses? There are a few.
    Or maybe that Russian oligarch money?

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Hey, just be glad it's him not you. If you had Tom Cruise's problems, you might be Tom Cruise crazy too.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    I'm looking around thinking one random Tom Cruise fan came along to give everyone a single downvote.

  • F'mal DeHyde

    And they keep coming back to mark any new remarks down as well. That's dedication for you.

  • John G.

    Now Tom can guide Suri to the darkside of the force.

  • Their marriage was the weirdest thing I've ever seen come out of Hollywood. I would KILL to know exactly what went on in their house every day. I hope we find out one day.

  • marya

    Me too! I'm not proud of it, but there it is. I'm waiting for the tell-all by the disgruntled ex-nanny or ex-auditor or ex-pony trainer.

  • Devil Child

    I'm surprised this didn't happen sooner. It'd take a tolerance for bullshit on the level of an OJ Simpson defense attorney to stay married to Tom Cruise for half a decade.

  • Clancys_Daddy

    So she can wear heels now.

  • hapl0
  • BierceAmbrose

    Oh, snap. Nice.

  • Oh, and whenever I see those wedding photos and her crazy bangs, I always wonder if she went a little wacky before the contractually obligated wedding and tried to get out of it by cutting all her hair off. There is no other explanation for the sudden crazy short bangs.

  • BWeaves

    Naw, that's baby hair growing in, not bangs cut off. When you're pregnant, your hair quits falling out and you have lush thick hair. Then a couple of months after the birth, your hairline recedes about an inch. Then a month or so later, the hairline hair starts growing back in. That's why new moms tend to get bangs (cover up the baby hair) or grow bangs (the baby hair finally grew out).

    They got married a few months after Suri was born, so that's the baby hair growing back in in the wedding pics. I'm surprised the hairdresser didn't do something about it, like slick it back into the rest of the hair.

  • Bodhi

    Huh, that didn't happen to me, in fact my hair fell out in clumps. Poor DH had to unclog the shower drain every other day. I took a zillion vitamins & supplements, all prescribed by my midwives (because we believe in witchcraft) so maybe that had something to do with it. I've always had the wispy forehead baby hair. My mom used to accuse me of cutting it when I was a kid

  • $27019454

    Pregnancy's not that big a deal. Lighten up. It's just submitting your body as a science experiment. No big.

  • Bodhi

    Huh? I know it isn't a big deal, I didn't say it is one. And I am trying to "lighten up", but I still have a lot of pesky baby weight to go. But thanks so much for the encouragement

  • F'mal DeHyde

    I think that was sarcasm. You know, like having a parasitic growth leeching nutrients from your body for nine months being "a science experiment." Not that I'm neurotic about pregnancy or anything.

  • $27019454

    'zactly.

  • therealbeesknees

    WTF? This happens!? Pregnancy terrifies me!

  • BierceAmbrose

    Word. I am learning all manner of things about ... we allow this? This shit goes on and we let people become pregnant? Shouldn't there be counseling before to talk the out of it, you know like joining the army or college?

  • Jenne Frisby

    And that's just the beginning! My mom has enjoyed tormenting me with all the details of what happens much later, like when all your organs fall down and... start coming out. It sounds absolutely horrific, and also fairly uncomfortable.

  • F'mal DeHyde

    Yeah, the first time I heard someone talking about a vaginal prolapse, I nearly hyperventilated.

  • Jenne Frisby

    I still have to take a little time to compose myself. I don't remember that being a part of sex education, but it really should have been. Talk about a deterrent!

  • BierceAmbrose

    Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Eeeeeeeewwwwwwwww.

    My mom's surgery stories I could handle. Post care after the UTI that landed her in the hospital. Eeeeeewwwwww.

    "So, madam poops-a-lot, how'd it go in there? Any surprises."

    I learned that opiate pain killers make you constipated, more so as you age. So, there's that to look forward to.

  • Jenne Frisby

    I know... talk about a bum rap! My (our?) poor mothers.

  • I admit it. I laughed. Then I wondered if she left because she got to Operating Thetan whatever and realised she was in a cult. Then I wondered if he would keep the kid because he did last time. Then I knew that I knew way too much and was ashamed.

  • space_oddity

    She's filing for sole custody of Suri, so presumably she saw what happened to the kids from the previous marriage and is trying to make that not happen...?

  • BierceAmbrose

    Snerkle. Me too.

    Oh, wait, that's not good.

  • $27019454

    I have a feeling he's just not that good a husband.

  • $27019454

    Like maybe a little demanding. Whiny. Needy. Steals your eyeliner. And your panties. To wear -- not carry in his pocket like my husband does.

  • BierceAmbrose

    With the pocket panties, I am torn between "awesome" and ... no, that's only awesome.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Not if they are worn.

  • $27019454

    Also: Sex. Eeeewwwwww.

  • Groundloop

    I don't know who will be beard wife number four, but crunching some numbers I noticed a pattern with Cruises ex's. Katie Holmes is roughly 11 years younger than Nicole Kidman, who in turn is roughly 11 years younger than Mimi Rogers. Given that, I'll go out on a limb and say he and Xenu will be selecting the lucky young lady from this list:

    http://www.imdb.com/search/nam...

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Word on the street is that each of his marriages has ended when the bride was 33 (but I'm too lazy to google it)

  • Groundloop

    Wait a minute. The marriages end when the bride is 33? There have been 3 marriages. The brides in each case were 11 years younger than the previous bride.

    3 x 11 = 33!!!

    Why isn't Glenn Beck all over this!!

    Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

  • anmelt

    Wow call me pathetic but I googled it and that is correct.

  • Melissa

    My guess, from that list, would be Daniel Radcliff...

    Obvious joke is obvious?

    Also: Imogen Poots is the best name.

  • laylaness

    It's a good thing her contract forbids her from writing a tell-all.

    Guess I just have to wait 20 years for Suri's.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Provided Suri doesn't stay a member of the "church".

  • Archie Leach

    Katie needed a big name to get out of the Dawson's Creek rut and TommyBoy needed a beard. But Travolta's available now so TommyBoy don't need no Katie no more.

  • L.O.V.E.

    So there she was, wasting another Southern California day by the pool, with her ipad on her lap, Suri playing in the water with her Xenu inflattable-raft and her auditor leering behind her, when she goes to her favorite website, Pajiba.

    She clicks on "The 15 Best Pop Songs Appropriated for Television Themes".

    She comes across that oh-so-familiar song, "I Don't Want to Wait".

    For the first time, she truly listened. She understood. She was resolved.

    She filed for divorce the next day.

  • L.O.V.E.

    The news is out. She feels free for the first time in 5 years.

    He always favored the little brat. Had no use for poor Katie once the child was born. She was nothing but a womb to him and his cult. She was jealous, alright. Suri was pegged as the new-Messiah. The PROGENY of the Almighty Tom.

    The song pops back in her head. Her humming grows to a whisper. Now she is shouting it.

    "I don't want to wait for our lives to be over

    I want to know right know what will it be

    I don't want to wait for our lives to be over

    Will it be me or will it be ...

    Suriiiiii."

    She begins to laugh hysterically. She steps into the front passenger seat of a Jaguar and is driven off.

    Little did Tommy know ... the kid was Chris Klines'.

  • L.O.V.E.

    "What took so God damned long?"

    Her head has made a full turn towards the passenger in the back.

    "I should have been pulled out when he was out of the country doing 'Protocol'."

    She checked the website religiously for the signal.
    Pajiba.com. "I Don't Want to Wait".

    "We needed more time. Did you get it?"
    Its Mimi talking now.

    "Yah, I got it. Do you have my pills?"
    Tom's people tested her urine every week for her Aderall. She hadn't been able to take it for 5 years.

    "Quit your bitching. As soon as he left for Iceland we put the extraction into place.

  • L.O.V.E.

    Nicole's driving. She could give a shit about Katie and her pills. She only cared about the chip. Her failed mission years earlier.

    "What about the kid?," Katie wonders.
    Nicole waives her off.
    "Don't worry, we had you file in New York. We"ll get her soon and can debrief her then. What do you care. she's not even your's."
    "Fuck you, Nicole. I had to carry her for a year. No adoption bullshit this time. If you hadn't taken the easy route I wouldn't have been needed in the first place!"
    Mimi sees where this is going. "Katie, I thought you didn't even care about her. We'll get her soon. Its not safe now that word got out".

    "Turn around. We're going back."

  • hapl0

    MOTHERFUCKER!

  • Yup... the proverbial "five year itch" aka, the contents of the infamous prenup. She stuck it out five years, gets what she wants, no tell-all from her...

  • googergieger

    I'm sure it won't be long before they both find a new man. I mean she finds a new man. She. *squint*

  • Jezzer

    I just upvoted a googer comment. I feel so DIRTY. :(

  • Fredo

    Remember when Katie Holmes was a young, up-and-coming actress who looked like she could blow up into a star?

  • Chrispeare

    No.

  • Fredo

    BTW, is today the highlight of the day for the "Free Katie" blog?

  • CurlyGirl

    These Hollywood contract marriages really freak me out. I can't figure out how it all happens. It would be so amazing if she wrote a tell all book.

  • MonkeyHateClean

    Katie's "I'll-be-your-beard-for-5-years" contract is up. Fascinating that she's filed for sole custody. Something afoul in Co$ land?

  • Sofia

    I want a supercut paying tribute to Tom's TERRIBLE kissing skills. Honestly, I've never seen a worst kisser on the big screen.

  • He just doesn't like kissing girls.

    Or boys, either. He just wants to kiss himself. So badly.

  • Az

    There is SO much afoul in CO$ land. Katie couldn't have timed this better. She must have some stellar legal advice which isn't surprising-her dad's a lawyer. At this point, neither CO$ nor Tom himself are in a position topull a Kidman on her.

  • dahlia6

    I believe Thandie Newton compared him to an Irish Setter during the MI:2 debacle. I'd rather take a kiss from a camel than have him kiss me, but then I tend to like animals better than people most days.

  • BierceAmbrose

    Thandie Newton makes out with Irish Setters?

    Pictures at 11, dare I hope?

  • Pierce Brosnan always looks like he's gnawing on people.

  • PaddyDog

    He can gnaw on me any day.

  • me too, but preferably circa Remington Steele days...

  • AngelenoEwok

    I don't think anyone's asked the really doozy of a question yet -- WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR SURI'S BURN BOOK?

  • JenVegas

    That was TOTALLY my first thought!!

  • TrinSpin

    It will only get more awesome, now that she will be the child of divorce and guilt presents!

  • Lindzgrl

    The best thing to come out of their marriage is Suri's Burn Book. It was worth it for that.

  • F'mal DeHyde

    Tom Cruise and Angelina Jolie have both managed to suck the life out of their significant others. I wonder what would happen if they paired up.

  • JGSOLID

    Angie could suck the life out of me any day...through my penis.

  • John G.

    Careful! The alien that lives inside of her is looking for a new host.

  • CMooreVerdad

    A black hole of emotional need that would swallow the universe.

  • Jezzer

    Here's a fun game: cover up the bottom half of her face in all the pictures where her eyes are visible. Do those look like the eyes of a happy woman?

  • rogers

    first.....man i need to find a job.

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