Long Story Short, Everyone's Terrible: Your A**hole Round-Up for the Day
So, I’m minding my own, looking for something glorious and magical to impart to you people, and I came to the halting realization that I’ve come to at least twice a week every week for the past three years: everyone’s awful and I hate everybody.
Here’s why today.
Hey, Paris Hilton is in the news again, and guess what? She’s still a dick.
I, like you, thought we as a nation had said no to Paris Hilton, not unlike Yahoo Serious, and that she was gone forever. But, every now and again, she pops up just to remind us she’s still alive and she’s still a twat of the highest regard. Please to read this in the voice of Sir Alec Guinness.
“Paris Hilton has been caught on tape making homophobic and derogatory statements about gay men who have random sex with strangers even stating ‘most of them probably have AIDS.’…
On the audio Paris says at one point: ‘Gay guys are the horniest people in the world. They’re disgusting. Dude, most of them probably have AIDS…’
‘I would be so scared if I were a gay guy,’ Paris says. ‘You’ll like, die of AIDS.’”
That’s our Paris. Still twunty as ever.
Lindsay Lohan slams Amanda Bynes for hitting people with her car, hits someone with her car.
Hours after I hit publish on this post, Lindsay Lohan hit a guy with her car. Now she’s celebrating because TMZ is all “Team Lindsay! Mow ‘em all down!” and says the hit-ee is grossly exaggerating the incident. You know, exaggeration is no good and all, but the fact still stands that SHE HIT A PERSON WITH HER CAR. And you’re not supposed to do that. Spoiler alert! It’s all good. No breathalyzer, and she’s out in the world ready to kill your baby.
Oh, yeah, this happened.
Watch it with a drink in your hand. Drink every time Dina’s drunk. At the end of the game you fucking die.
Amanda Bynes is desperately ill, and it’s hilarious!
So, following a gabillion hit and runs, a DUI while still professing that she does not drink, a two hour episode in a boutique dressing room and a whole bunch of other stuff, Amanda Bynes was kicked out of a spin class for wandering around aimlessly, taking her clothes off and applying make-up for ten minutes. In the middle of a class full of people. Look, famous people are batshit crazy, as a rule. BUT. This is not your run of the mill “It’s 1:30am in Minnesota and Prince wants a camel” kind of thing. So people are all “OH that crazy Amanda, so funny” and it’s not. Someone grab this girl by the hair and take her to a goddamn doctor. Then get her to an English tutor and teach her about adverb usage.
Jessica Simpson: Still a hero.
Jessica Simpson got to be a Guest Editor at iVillage, speaking to the real woman (just like her!). Of course she didn’t actually write or edit or DO much of anything. Instead, iVillage pretty much just interviewed people who know Jessica. But we did learn that America loves her because she’s so real and wonderful and magical. You’d think this chick was a 9/11 first responder instead of someone famous with a medium sized patch of cellulite on her legs the way she’s being celebrated for this shit.
Speaking of awful things I thought were over, Courtney Stodden’s back.
So, yes. Let’s bathe in the hate together. It will keep us young. Young like Courtney Stodden.
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