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Long Story Short, Everyone's Terrible: Your A**hole Round-Up for the Day

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | September 20, 2012 | Comments ()


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So, I'm minding my own, looking for something glorious and magical to impart to you people, and I came to the halting realization that I've come to at least twice a week every week for the past three years: everyone's awful and I hate everybody.

Here's why today.

Hey, Paris Hilton is in the news again, and guess what? She's still a dick.

I, like you, thought we as a nation had said no to Paris Hilton, not unlike Yahoo Serious, and that she was gone forever. But, every now and again, she pops up just to remind us she's still alive and she's still a twat of the highest regard. Please to read this in the voice of Sir Alec Guinness.

"Paris Hilton has been caught on tape making homophobic and derogatory statements about gay men who have random sex with strangers even stating 'most of them probably have AIDS.'...

On the audio Paris says at one point: 'Gay guys are the horniest people in the world. They're disgusting. Dude, most of them probably have AIDS...'

'I would be so scared if I were a gay guy,' Paris says. 'You'll like, die of AIDS.'"

That's our Paris. Still twunty as ever.

Lindsay Lohan slams Amanda Bynes for hitting people with her car, hits someone with her car.

Hours after I hit publish on this post, Lindsay Lohan hit a guy with her car. Now she's celebrating because TMZ is all "Team Lindsay! Mow 'em all down!" and says the hit-ee is grossly exaggerating the incident. You know, exaggeration is no good and all, but the fact still stands that SHE HIT A PERSON WITH HER CAR. And you're not supposed to do that. Spoiler alert! It's all good. No breathalyzer, and she's out in the world ready to kill your baby.

Oh, yeah, this happened.

Watch it with a drink in your hand. Drink every time Dina's drunk. At the end of the game you fucking die.

Amanda Bynes is desperately ill, and it's hilarious!

So, following a gabillion hit and runs, a DUI while still professing that she does not drink, a two hour episode in a boutique dressing room and a whole bunch of other stuff, Amanda Bynes was kicked out of a spin class for wandering around aimlessly, taking her clothes off and applying make-up for ten minutes. In the middle of a class full of people. Look, famous people are batshit crazy, as a rule. BUT. This is not your run of the mill "It's 1:30am in Minnesota and Prince wants a camel" kind of thing. So people are all "OH that crazy Amanda, so funny" and it's not. Someone grab this girl by the hair and take her to a goddamn doctor. Then get her to an English tutor and teach her about adverb usage.

Jessica Simpson: Still a hero.

Jessica Simpson got to be a Guest Editor at iVillage, speaking to the real woman (just like her!). Of course she didn't actually write or edit or DO much of anything. Instead, iVillage pretty much just interviewed people who know Jessica. But we did learn that America loves her because she's so real and wonderful and magical. You'd think this chick was a 9/11 first responder instead of someone famous with a medium sized patch of cellulite on her legs the way she's being celebrated for this shit.

Speaking of awful things I thought were over, Courtney Stodden's back.

Fucking gross.

So, yes. Let's bathe in the hate together. It will keep us young. Young like Courtney Stodden.


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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • I was hoping that Paris Hilton's guest spot on Supernatural had resulted in her actual decapitation and am terribly upset that she's resurfaced.

  • BlackRabbit

    Do I need to know who Courtney Stodden is?

  • Fabius_Maximus

    No.

  • Uriah_Creep

    That’s our Paris. Still twunty as ever.
    There's something to be said for consistency, no?

    Also: Courtney's vitriol makes me happy.

  • BierceAmbrose

    Oh, that was glorious, like Olivia Wilde plays a stripper covered in butter glorious - they made a movie about that, right? There was a review of something.

    Maybe all these people live in Prince World, and we're the ones who don't understand. Whatever. I see Godtopus every time Salma Hayek dances to MJ. Wait, Olivia Wilde & Salma Hayek play dueling strippers covered in butter - pitch the sequel right now!

  • Sara S.

    People are assholes... especially in junior high. Seriously.

  • Milly

    Any use of twunt/twunty/twunted/twuntest makes me smile.

    Particularly if it's wrapped up in well placed vitriol.

  • **I AM** NotTheOne

    Compared to the other people in the post Jessica Simpson is a 9/11 first responder. Jesus, what a load of wasted humanity.

  • John W

    Here's what I read:

    Hey, Paris Hilton is in the news again, and guess what? She’s still sucks dick.

  • Courtney Stodden is a beautiful lizard lady, HOW DARE YOU!

  • Wormer

    Fuck. Dinah. Lohan.

  • yocean

    I saw the Courtney Stodden and her sad old hubby at Wholefoods few months ago. She lives for attention. Like leaves do with sunlight, she converts the attention she absorbs through her skin into some awful mix of bile and contempt which serves as a life-force, or maybe should be more appropriately phrased as doom-force as when it evaporates through her seething pores it becomes a toxic gas that deprives men of will to live and hope for humanity.

  • bleh

    UGH. Dr. Phil pretending his a Dr. and not "media" makes we wanna barf.

  • Guest

    This. Was I supposed to *only* be horrified by the mentally ill, emotionally stunted woman? I watched it wrong.

  • Nadine

    Courtney Stodden wasn't allowed to sleep in the Couples Therapy house.

    Because at 17(at the time of filming) she falls under Child Labour Law protection and can't be on a film set for 24 hours.
    Also, that little nose scrunch 'no' she did when Doug goes 'I didn't want to' was like...they have killed people, together.

    As for Lindsay, even the detectives in this one are apparently conflicted, one thinks she might have 'grazed' the guy she drove past (who sprinted after her but then went to hospital with an injured knee) one guy didn't think she touched him.

    I've decided I'm going to assume every terrible story about Lindsay is some money grubbing asshole trying to rip off an obvious target, until she does something that gets caught on video.

  • Carlito

    The working title for Courtney's memoirs: "What to Expect When You're Expecting to Write About Assholes"

    [Spoiler alert: they're going to act assholes]

  • L.O.V.E.

    Can I give you something more positive to work with?

    Rashida Jones in something called Flaunt Magazine looking all kinds of rarrr.

    http://flaunt.com/features/123...

  • RogueWays

    Careful with the Yahoo Serious snark. Young Einstein was awesome! "Who is this barbarian?" "I'm a Tasmanian!"

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Reckless Kelly! I love that movie.

    Note to self: Look for that movie on dollar store/5 Below shelves.

  • Erin S

    And here I was convinced that the reason Paris Hilton disappeared was because she was the rough draft of a fame sucking android that the creators discarded after creating Kim Kardashian.

  • EE for this please.
    Also, can someone finally unleash that army of Daniel Plainviews armed with bowling pins and barely concealed murderous rage onto these people already please.

  • Groundloop

    I can't find the link now, but Amanda Bynes is doing Amazing. It's some dude she met named Amazing Awesomer. I think he's a parking attendant.

  • ERM

    I don't think 9/11 responders are just like us. I'm pretty sure they are better than most of us.

  • AngelenoEwok

    Also, Fiona Apple was arrested for hashish possession. Oh, Fiona. All these years, you've been giving us the, "I'm not high, I'm just weird!" spiel, and I believed it. HOW COULD I BE SO NAIVE?

  • alannaofdoom

    Too-serious reply to your comment: Did you read the New York Magazine profile of her? Not to criticize anyone for their personal choices (especially when it comes to something so harmless) but, maybe try being sober for, like, five whole minutes?

  • AngelenoEwok

    *just read the article* My main reaction is: at least she has enough sense not to drive. Her loopy-ness seems on about the same level as the folks listed in Courtney's post, but until lately she's at least managed to handle her business without becoming TMZ fodder.

  • Tinkerville

    I feel like I need to take a shower after reading this post...

  • e jerry powell

    a full-on chemical peel might help.

  • shower, shmower. I need a full on Silkwood after this post...

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