Lindsay Lohan vs. Amanda Bynes: Two Child Stars Enter, Both Run You Over as They Leave
This is like Nickelback versus Train, only just very slightly less likely to make me jam a letter opener in my ear.
So, if you haven’t heard, Amanda Bynes, known to some as The Man, has been treating the greater Los Angeles area as her own personal bumper car floor. After getting a DUI for hitting a cop car, then a hit and run, then another hit and run, then ANOTHER hit and run, her license was suspended. Then she was smoking a suspicious substance in her car, which she claims was tobacco out of a one-hitter, you know, like everyone does, while driving illegally, then got into a fender bender, the cops finally just took her car away and sent her to bed without dessert.
Lindsay Lohan, naturally, had some thoughts. Or, more accurately, she had words, pictures and shiny shapes that filled her headspace and she put those on her Twitter machine.
Okay, let’s be real here: neither of these two Beatrix Twatters should be on the road, ever. Driving, bicycling, jogging, walking on their hands, NOTHING. Just stay home and color. BUT. Lindsay Lohan playing the horrified victim card is literally laugh out loud hilarious, because let’s look at Lindsay’s spotless driving record:
- There was, of course, the infamous Mystery of the Pink Bag.
- There was that time she hit a stroller. One carrying a baby and everything.
- There was that time she held three men hostage in a car, chased her assistant down going 100 mph, then blamed it on “the black kid.”
- There was that time she got arrested for DUI and coke possession, but it’s totally okay, because those weren’t her pants, you guys!
- Also, sometimes she parks in front of hydrants. FOR SHAME!
I cannot say or stress this enough: there is no rehab for being an asshole. Lindsay Lohan will be a useless assbag until she dies or fades away into nothingness, existing only as a strange Phoebe Price-like creature, only one who actually once did something. She could quit doing every substance under the sun tomorrow—it won’t change the fact that she’s an entitled dick.
Amanda Bynes, on the other hand…she I kind of think might have a real problem. Not necessarily a drug or drink problem either. Like…a Britney problem. So, I won’t say anything more about her until her management team forces her to go to rehab for appearances, then the doctors there figure out what’s actually up with her.
So, I wish you good luck and happy travels, Amanda Bynes. But as for the open road…
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