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Lindsay Lohan vs. Amanda Bynes: Two Child Stars Enter, Both Run You Over as They Leave

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | September 18, 2012 | Comments ()


amandatexting.jpg

This is like Nickelback versus Train, only just very slightly less likely to make me jam a letter opener in my ear.

So, if you haven't heard, Amanda Bynes, known to some as The Man, has been treating the greater Los Angeles area as her own personal bumper car floor. After getting a DUI for hitting a cop car, then a hit and run, then another hit and run, then ANOTHER hit and run, her license was suspended. Then she was smoking a suspicious substance in her car, which she claims was tobacco out of a one-hitter, you know, like everyone does, while driving illegally, then got into a fender bender, the cops finally just took her car away and sent her to bed without dessert.

Lindsay Lohan, naturally, had some thoughts. Or, more accurately, she had words, pictures and shiny shapes that filled her headspace and she put those on her Twitter machine.

lindsaytweetbynes.jpg

Okay, let's be real here: neither of these two Beatrix Twatters should be on the road, ever. Driving, bicycling, jogging, walking on their hands, NOTHING. Just stay home and color. BUT. Lindsay Lohan playing the horrified victim card is literally laugh out loud hilarious, because let's look at Lindsay's spotless driving record:

I cannot say or stress this enough: there is no rehab for being an asshole. Lindsay Lohan will be a useless assbag until she dies or fades away into nothingness, existing only as a strange Phoebe Price-like creature, only one who actually once did something. She could quit doing every substance under the sun tomorrow--it won't change the fact that she's an entitled dick.

Amanda Bynes, on the other hand...she I kind of think might have a real problem. Not necessarily a drug or drink problem either. Like...a Britney problem. So, I won't say anything more about her until her management team forces her to go to rehab for appearances, then the doctors there figure out what's actually up with her.

So, I wish you good luck and happy travels, Amanda Bynes. But as for the open road...

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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • BierceAmbrose

    That title is the best thing I've read so far today. Nice work. Thanks.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Oh, Lindsay... You should not have opened your mouth (or whatever the Twitter equivalent is): http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes....

  • Bert_McGurt

    And in a hilarious epilogue to this posting, Lohan has now been arrested, again, for a hit and run. Literally TWO DAYS after that tweet. Can't make this up folks.

  • POINGjam

    That's me.

  • My_Time_Machine

    Because the criminal justice system has a long-established, anti-Disney/pro-Nickelodeon bias, Lindsay.
    You didn't think you could help remake "Herbie" and get away with it, did you?

  • I do kind of feel like Amanda Bynes needs some help :( Maybe they worked her too hard as a kid or something and she's choosing now to act out, but sometimes people just don't have it in them to ASK for what they need. She needs someone in her corner to step in and get her the help she needs, and if they've gotta do it like they did Britney... maybe she'll be glad for it someday.

    Lindsay Lohan... I'm just gonna walk away from that one right now. Because there's a big diff between a little bit of weed and whatever.

  • dizzylucy

    Yeah...because Lindsay's gotten punished so severely for all her crimes. Sure.

  • TheAggroCraig

    AHHH! Shit, warn a guy before a .gif like that!

  • Serpentlord

    Lindsay Lohan pulled a hit and run on an occupied stroller?

    Mother of mother of Christ, we need to write a new Leviticus verse for this. Anyone who commits accidental attempted infanticide and then shrugs it off within minutes is automatically sentenced to death via stoning, and all the stones must be shaped like dildos.

    On another note, if Daniel Tosh wants to make any more rape jokes in his set, he could just say "relax, it's about Lindsay Lohan," and even the most ardent feminist wouldn't complain after reading one sentence of the attempted strollercide story. Kind of like how rape jokes are totally fine with everyone when they're about Daniel Tosh.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    If Lindsay Lohan raped Daniel Tosh, would that fix all the world's ills?

  • purplejebus

    No, but I'd buy a ticket to that show.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    That gif isn't Amanda Bynes, is it?!

  • Lemon_Poundcake

    It is. From "Easy A."

  • googergieger

    This is the type of "article" where I really, really, really wish I was allowed to use the much appropriate C word. The one that rhymes with punt, not the Arrested Development boat. Oh well.

  • Even Amanda Bynes' face is ashamed of her behaviour, as it seems to be shrinking more and more into a singularity in the middle of her head.

  • Bert_McGurt

    I think Damon Lindelof had the best reaction:
    "Lindsay Lohan bagging on Amanda Bynes is like me bagging on the X-Files ending."

  • AngelenoEwok

    You see? That is just like you, Lindelof. You say things like that, and you make it impossible for me to hate you, and I hate you, Lindelof. I really hate you. I hate you.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    I've given up on the hate. Now, I just continue to hate the Lost ending, and then hate specific things Lindelof says of which, to be fair, there are many. But I feel like on a personal kind of level I would like him. Like, if I drank, I would have a beer with him, totally rag on him about Lost but then enjoy conversation about other things where he doesn't suck.

    Unless... Did he like the BSG ending? Because then there's probably no hope for him. Like, ever.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    Are the downvotes for insulting BSG? Because history will prove I'm right; that thing went *off the rails* from season three on.

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