Let's Speculate Not-So-Wildly About the Remaining Three "Most Fascinating People" on Baba Wawa's Annual List
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Let's Speculate Not-So-Wildly About the Remaining Three "Most Fascinating People" on Baba Wawa's Annual List

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | November 20, 2012 | Comments ()


UGH, THAT FUCKING GUY. Even if I didn't loathe his body of work, look at that face. I never want to stop punching it. It is as though it was systematically designed for netherworldian purposes of evil to make me want to tenderize it repeatedly with my fists like it's a tough sirloin, and because he looks like a giant, terrible baby, I feel kind of guilty about it, because that's exactly what the devil wants and the greatest lie he ever told was convincing us he wasn't a "Family Guy" fan.


Barbara Walters has released seven tenths of her "Most Fascinating" list, her annual laughably attempted jaunt into with-it-ness that always flails tragically like a fat swan with a crooked wing. This year is most likely no different. I've bolded the eyebrow-cockingest ones for your convenience.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton
Family Guy creator and 2013 Oscar host Seth MacFarlane
Fifty Shades of Grey author E.L. James

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie
Olympic gold medalist Gabby Douglas
Ben Affleck
One Direction

The unbolded ones, totes. Thumbs up. Good on you. The bolded ones? Yeeeahhh. Let's look more closely.

Seth MacFarlane. Dude had a good year with Ted. Some people liked it. Some people like lots of things. That's fine. Whatever. It doesn't change the fact that he is the one trickiest pony in Hollywood and his big bad way to get back at Matt and Trey for that "South Park" episode was to make an anal sex joke in a DVD commentary, and then totally miss the point of their whole Muhammad thing in the dumbest possible way because he's dumb. But, whatever. I'm not bitter.

E.L. James. Sigh. I am sick of the way that criticism about this book has somehow morphed into derisively calling it mommy porn, because if a middle aged woman wants to buzz one out while reading about Patrick Bateman's inbred basement brother with a set of anal beads, so be it. Whatever gets you there. My problem is the same problem I have with Twilight: the national obsession with terrible fucking writing interspersed with a cursory at best and hungrily timid notion of sex. Jesus god. If you can't say ass or vagina, you do not get to write about stuff being stuck up in them.

One Direction. I'm going to pretend for a moment like that "Beautiful" song isn't on my workout mix and focus more on the fact that you could line up every single current boy band and I would not be able to tell you what band any of them belong to, or, in fact, name a single current boy band besides One Direction. And that makes me feel good about myself. In related news, THE FUCKING BACKSTREET BOYS HAVE A NEW CHRISTMAS SONG, so that's what I'll be doing for the next six weeks if you need me.

So, that's seven. Who are the other three?

  • Paula Broadwell

  • Nate Silver

  • Honey Boo Boo

  • Zachary Quinto's nipple lamp on "American Horror Story"

  • Honey Boo Boo's mom

  • Kalinda's vagina ice cream

  • Elmo. Sadface.

  • Gyp Rossetti and his love for erotic asphyxiation

  • Lindsay Lohan's pink bag

  • Honey Boo Boo's gay pet pig

  • Donald Trump's named written in with crayon in a suspiciously Donald Trumpy handwriting

  • Chick-Fil-A's nuggets and sauce in an unprecedented sit-down where they discuss both how the last year has affected them and how it affects their same-sex dipping romance with one another.

  • This sad Twinkie

  • Probably another fucking Kardashian. Probably the mom one. Gross.

Your turn. Who do you think it will be?

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • Az

    Charming Potato, absolutely agree with whomever called that one. Has Bieber been on it yet? Or Kristen Stewart? Also, Jessica Simpson.

  • DominaNefret

    Nate Silver. Period.
    Dude predicted the election with pinpoint accuracy, had a parody twitter account created in his name, and became a meme. All while being a humble, socially awkward, nerd. Who still knows how to tell people he is right and they are wrong.
    I would have his nerdy-prognosticating-gay babies. Because clearly that is how science works, and they would be just like him.

  • David Sorenson

    Let's just all be grown up enough to admit it. We're old. Too old for half the crap on that list.

    Yes One Direction is apparently some new incarnation of the same old boy band crap that is inflicted upon us once every four years or so because we missed some sort of sacrifice to a particularly dickish evil god. They're still insanely popular and will attract the tween demographic that is attached enough to them to send death threats to Taylor Swift because she dared to date one of them.

    Seth McFarlane? Fucking hate him, but then again I've never smoked pot and still have a functioning memory so I'm not his demographic. Another attempt to show that the show is still relevant and into what the kids are into. The new Trey and Matt.

    EL James made smut popular without republicans losing their damn minds about the downfall of society or something like that. She did it without even trying. At least I hope that wasn't her best attempt, because that would be really depressing. That book became enough of a thing that people I consider intelligent bought it and tried to read it. She's the new version of whoever the hell it was that wrote the Twilight series who was the new version of the new version of the new version of JK Rowling.

    Simply put. It's a rerun. These are merely the new iterations of the same people she has on every year. Just because they look like poor choices to us doesn't mean that they are poor choices to the people that ABC is aiming at.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Everything's a remix.

  • David Sorenson

    Nope. Now they call that "dubstep" which is a remix with added WUBWUB apparently.

  • Fredo

    Honey Boo Boo and her mom for certain. I've never seen an episode and even I know who they are.

    Jill Kelley. Cause if you're at the heart of at least one but more than likely multiple sex scandals with powerful men in the military without ever getting naked or dirty, you gots to have some sort of superpower.

    Anderson Cooper. For finally coming out while continuing to rule the interwebz.

  • Anderson Cooper and George Takei together. Hilarious-ness! Sparks? Bring Dan Savage in at the end to remind them that 'it gets better'.

  • duckandcover

    I love Seth MacFarlane. I do. There are few things that he can do wrong in my eyes. There were a few slow seasons of Family Guy, but he's been on the ball the past couple of them. I could listen to that man talk or sing for hours. UGH I KNOW. STOP JUDGING ME.

    Also, I got extremely upset about the Harry Styles/Taylor Swift rumor, so I'm not even going to comment on how the love of One Direction snuck up on me.

    I'll see myself out.

  • Slash

    Viewers know that "Most Fascinating" means "Most Famous," right? Not that there's anything wrong with that, but call it what it is. A popularity contest. Or "Most Talked About" contest. Whatever. But most of the people that repellent crone talks to are not in the least bit fascinating.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    and yet people keep talking about them, as if they are, somehow, fascinated by them.

  • Slash

    OK, so "People That Boring People Find Fascinating." But I can see why the producers didn't go with that title.

    Most of these people's imagined "fascination" comes courtesy of their PR flacks.

  • googergieger

    Don't want to brag but I had a pretty good year. I lost about twenty five pounds doing the bare minimum of exercise, I got a Vita, I don't masturbate nearly as much as I used to. I'm nearly done with Tales of Graces F as far as trophies go. Umm...discovered My Little Airport. Pretty great band to have in your pocket for when you want to get an easy hipster lay. Yeah....

  • Natallica

    One Direction just tickles Babs' great-great-grandmaternal instincts

  • Such a rewarding takedown of those three, especially the broader cultural commentary about 50 Shades and it ties to Twilight and shit-ball bad writing. Thanks! I feel better, if nothing else.

    Nate Silver merits profile. He's thoughtful, not obnoxious about self-promotion and always careful about not over-stating what he does. In these ways he is a treasure.

    None of the others even remotely interest me, and if anybody gives Honey Boo Boo another second of attention, I may become a threat to national security.

    As inspiring as it was to watch Gabby Douglas land her routines and win the gold, her interviews during the Games and immediately after were simply banal and uninteresting. So while she deserves plaudits, I don't see fascinating.

  • Bert_McGurt

    If Babs misses out on the Year of the Potato it's her own fault.

    Probably also Psy. Let's see her try to PRONOUNCE Gangnam, never mind dance it.

  • lillie

    What I would give to see Babs attempt to dance Gangnam style....

  • Seth MacFarlane successfully jumped from popular animated show creator to successful feature film director in 2012. He also received great reviews and even a Grammy award nomination for his debut album of standards. I'd say that's a pretty good pedigree to be considered an interesting person in 2012. Not many show creators have three hit programs running with a fourth on the way and consistent Emmy nominations.

    Is he douchey? Yes. Is his biggest hit, Family Guy, an elaborate series of sight gags and cutaways at this point? Yes. Does that negate his success and automatically mean every project he does is the same? Nope.

    And saying it every time Seth MacFarlane is in the news doesn't make it true. It's like saying Buffy, Firefly, and Dollhouse are the same show because Joss Whedon wrote hour long genre TV shows featuring strong female leads, dry humor, and very upsetting character deaths.

  • ee

    I think because when the show started; it tended to be a little better at satire than straight gags and fart/sex humor. I haven't watched in awhile, but it seems like that's missing now. I think MacFarlane just falls on the other side of the vaguely articulated "commercial" line we all have in our heads. Where his decisions can come from: what's good business? instead of, what's funny and will push things and make people think? But still relatively liberal/libertarian ideals.

    Is that a ridiculous way to judge things, kind of, but I would say it describes 2/3rds of all of us here.

  • Bert_McGurt

    Yeah, but having "dopey main character's best friend is a talking _____ (thing that doesn't normally talk)" is a little more specifically noticeable than writing witty, strong women (and people dying).

    Full disclosure: I actually really liked the first three seasons of Family Guy. At the time it was fresh, if a little derivative of the Simpsons and South Park. His album also makes total sense - the dude has a legitimately good singing voice. And he honestly can't be that much of a douchebag if he's worked for so long with folks like Mila Kunis, Seth Green, and Patrick(s) Stewart and Warburton. But I couldn't bring myself to watch more than one episode of either of his other shows because they all seem so damn similar and my Sunday night TV watchin' is pretty packed already.

    If he can get rid of the anthropomorphic dogs/aliens/bears (teddy and otherwise) and subdue the cut-away non-sequitur gags I think he'd go a long way towards broadening his audience. Maybe Ted is a step in that direction, I don't know, I've yet to see it (though I will give it a chance). But there can't be that many 80's sitcom's left to clumsily reference, so it's time to Seth or get off the pot..

  • JenVegas

    "Does that negate his success and automatically mean every project he does is the same? Nope." True but neither does it make him interesting.

  • Scully

    Charming Potato
    Clint Eastwood's chair

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    President Obama's Chair!

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    Definitely Honey Boo Boo. Then it's a toss-up between, Mittens Romney, Justin Bieber, That Guy on the Corner That Appears Drunk and Likes to do a Soft Shoe To Miley Cyrus Music, This Bowl of Pudding That May or May Not Have Become Sentient, This Polyp on my Anus, and This Thing On My Groin That is Probably Another Set of Genitalia.

    I'm going to go with Soft Shoe Guy and Butt Polyp.

  • Slash

    I'd watch that, minus Romney, White Trash Prom Queen and Bieber. I am looking forward to hearing Butt Polyp's opinion on the current war between Israel and Hamas. And Obamacare, of course, seeing as that would seem to be in Butt Polyp's wheelhouse.

  • BWeaves

    I've finally figured out who "that guy" reminds me of:

    This guy: Billy Redden (banjo guy from Deliverance)


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