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Justin Bieber Being Carried Up the Great Wall of China is the Funniest Thing You’ll See All Day

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | October 1, 2013 | Comments ()


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Lil Joffy Biebsicles, seen above pretending to be victorious that he made it all the way by himself, continued his reign as King Baby of Amazing Photos on a trip to Beijing this week, where his bodyguards carried him on their shoulders as they toured the Great Wall of China. Because walking is for poor people.

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I don’t know what else to say about this picture. Except I love it so much and want it tattooed on the inside of my eyelids. THIS IS A PERSON WHO EXISTS. He drives a leopard car, he looks like he needs a sleepy-nigh-nigh nap in every picture on Instagram, he is the badassiest badass to ever ride a Segway and he eats bomb-ass pesto, mofo. He is GOD. He is EVERYTHING. The government can just stay shut down and we can just go ahead and shut down everything else, too, because we are now one world united under BIEBER. And, when my script for the new X-Files movie, I Want to Belieb gets greenlit, he’ll win a million billion Oscars and won’t you feel stupid.

ACCEPT YOUR TINY SAVIOR!



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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • denesteak

    HOW did that sleepy nigh night photo get SEVEN HUNDRED AND FORTY THOUSAND likes???????

  • kirbyjay

    I say how about a bottle episode with Miley and Lil Biebs. They are stuck in a room with an activated bomb and it.....goes....off...
    P.S. Do you think his bodyguards are laughing all the way to the bank?

  • Jo 'Mama' Besser

    Is it true that you can see his douche waves from space?

  • em.me

    HA! When I saw this on DListed last night I just knew Courtney would write about this.

  • Welldressed

    How do we have all these marvelous pesto puns in comments and no EE to appreciate them? We're just gonna have to spread the word ourselves. Tell a friend, everyone!

  • Donna SHerman

    This is my favourite thing you've ever written.

  • Ben

    So reading the leopoard print car thing has now made me aware that Beiber is friends with Tyler the Creator.

    That's just... odd.

  • e jerry powell

    Who the fuck does he think he is, Anna Wintour?

  • Jo 'Mama' Besser

    HA!

  • New title for him: Justin Bieber, Professional Idiot.

    A new goal for all boys to aspire to!

  • e jerry powell

    No worse than being a professional skateboarder, if you think about it.

  • GDI

    Don't you dare take my t-shirt idea!

    It's basically the "I want to believe (Belieb)" poster with Bieber being beamed up (down?) from the saucer in the background.
    I'm still having trouble with how to keep him proportional, yet recognizable.

    I-I've put too much thought into this.

  • bastich

    Let's give the kid some credit -- he didn't pee on anything on the way up the Wall, not even once!

  • Sherry

    Progress!

  • alwaysanswerb

    If only Justin Bieber's ego could be made corporeal; it could transport the entire entourage on its shoulders.

  • Slash

    Eh ... seeing him being punched in the face would be funny. This is just standard young celebrity douchebaggery.

  • Mrs. Julien

    Look how bored he is with his wealth and privilege. Holding his iPhone and taking a 5 second break from texting while standing on one of the great achievements of human engineering (and sticking out his tongue). Wealth is wasted on the rich.

  • e jerry powell

    The only thing missing at this point is Tyra Banks with a camera, screaming "FIERCE!" (Like anyone says that anymore.)

  • Tinkerville

    You'd think this level of arrogance and douchebaggery would've summoned Qin Shi Huang from the grave so he could smite this little bastard into oblivion. It's fun to think about anyway.

  • e jerry powell

    We need more Mongols, is what it is.

  • alannaofdoom

    Hopefully Qin Shi Huang would've been a belieber.

  • I can't really get worked up about the racist, classist, douchery, because I can't really afford to have a stroke right now. I just can't get over how in the header pic he looks like Bernie of "Weekend at Bernie's" fame.

  • NO WORDS. JUST FLAILING.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    The terrifying part of all this? This is the only picture of his back where you can't see his underwear. The only time you can't see his underwear because of those fucking stupid pants is when he's sitting. WHEN. HE'S. SITTING! Biebs has discovered anti-gravity and he's using it to keep his pants up when they shouldn't be. Next he'll be applying this amazing technology to bras so boobies sag. IS THE WORLD NOT ENOUGH, BIEBER?!

  • e jerry powell

    The Dark Matter is strong in this one...

  • Paddington

    Hey, look at that rich white guy being carried by strapping bucks. That's hilarious, the blacks carting that rich, privileged, white male up the great wall of China. Everyone laugh at how ridiculous this is. It's funny!

  • NateMan

    If they were illegals it'd really be the country's economy in a nutshell.

  • Paddington

    So real, so real.

  • NateMan

    That said, I do still need to laugh at it, because it's just so absurd. Irritating yes, annoying yes, but absurd and entirely believable too.

  • Professor Sara

    At the risk of trivializing a valid point about race and class, I think you mean it's entirely Beliebable.

  • Paddington

    It is ridiculous but it felt like we were just jumping over how problematic that image is to do what the internet does. Look at this bratty a-hole lol, yolo #meme.

  • emmalita

    Can we talk about what's really important here? That picture of the pesto looks like an ass bomb. It's so dark you can't see the green-ness of the pesto. It looks way too oily, and he can't keep his food in his dish.

    What? I don't want to talk about Justin Bieber. Pesto and photos of pesto are more important.

  • ZbornakSyndrome

    Perhaps Bieber Fever has infected the thread? Downvotes over pesto that looks like the diaper of a sick baby? I love the odd things the internet decides to make a stand over.

  • NateMan

    Yeah, someone really overdid it with the olive oil. Blech.

    But now I want to be part of the in crowd and downvote you.

  • emmalita

    It's your birthday! Down-vote me! And then slam back a shot of tequila and dance on a table!

  • NateMan

    Dude, no one wants me dancing on a table, no matter how much tequila is involved.

    Ugh, tequila... Now there's a post-drinking vomit I don't miss at all.

  • bastich

    The secret is to drink yourself into a black-out before vomiting...then you'll never taste it!

    (Happy birthday!)

  • alwaysanswerb

    Thank goodness for you, emmalita, because now I have been made aware that pesto is a fkn controversial topic

  • emmalita

    I am very passionate about pesto. For realz!

    Edited for attitude at NateMan's suggestion.

  • NateMan

    I love you. For realz.

  • emmalita

    [swoon]

  • NateMan

    I think that needs to be a 'for realz' moment for true accuracy.

  • alwaysanswerb

    You are justified in your passion. It's the downvotes that have me stumped!

  • e jerry powell

    Downvoters clearly deserve walnuts in their pesto.

  • emmalita

    Perhaps they mistook my greater interest in pesto for some sort of criticism of Ms. Enlow. Or maybe they know who made the pesto.

  • George Tarleton

    Really? Four downvotes? THIS IS A PERFECTLY VALID CONCERN! That pesto looks like it came out of a can bought from a 7-11.

    Some people, I tells ya. Sheesh.

  • Tinkerville

    Now I have to downvote you just to invoke some more pesto rage.

  • George Tarleton

    Downvote us all you want. WE WILL NOT BE SILENCED. WE WILL NOT GO QUIETLY INTO THE NIGHT. THIS AFFRONT TO PESTO WILL NOT STAND, DO YOU HEAR ME?

  • emmalita

    Clearly they are so passionate about pesto that I have made them wordless with rage.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    they are pest-off.

  • George Tarleton

    Eh, they're just being jerks. But what do you want, it's the internet. Jerks are like a pesto-lence around here.

  • bastich

    These haters need to stop being so pesto-mistic.

  • L.O.V.E.

    They are being pesto-lent.

    Now, if I saw that douche Beiver being carried up that wall I would have flung Mongolian Beef at him and then I'd (have toppled that) jerk-off.

  • bastich

    Wouldn't Beef Strokinoff have been a more apt choice?

  • alwaysanswerb

    This was the comment I have been waiting for

  • NateMan

    Agreed. It needed to be done. Kudos to Sara for leaping on that grenade.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    ba-dum-dum-da-dum-dum! DAD HUMOR!

  • Bert_McGurt

    Dear Everyone,

    Sorry. Not just regular sorry either. Like maple-flavoured-extra-super-double-double-iced sorry with cheese curds and gravy on top.

    Your friend (we hope, still),
    Canada

  • bastich

    Dear Canada,

    Send us a few more beauties like Colbie Smulders or Gillian Anderson, and we'll call it even.

    Hugs and Kisses,

    USA (currently closed for business)

  • e jerry powell

    Well, yeah, I guess it's a good time to get cool stuff across the border right now.

  • Uriah_Creep

    Much as we would love to claim Gillian, she was born in the Windy City and is therefore not ours. But stay the hell away from our Cobie.

  • bastich

    Our bad -- we furloughed our official IMDb researchers. We meant Sarah Chalke.

    As for Smulders, she officially belongs to Disney/Marvel now.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    And he came from Stratford. STRATFORD, a beloved nexus of culture and talent.

  • Jo 'Mama' Besser

    And swans!

  • Jo 'Mama' Besser

    It's truly Ontario's Stars Hollow. But with an old-timey toy store. Whenever I had to perform there (classical voice or piano), I'd bring my anxiety down with a trip. A Beethoven sonata scored me a Curious George jack-in-the-box. Who told you I was 21 when I got it? Lies you tell!

    ...because I was 24. Um...heh, heh. I know, but I had The Fear.

  • Todd Sikkema

    Oh no--I just had a vision of the Beebs doing Shakespeare. See what you people do to me?

  • Mrs. Julien

    You're welcome.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I don't think we can be blamed for this one anymore. Sure, in the beginning it was like foisting horrendous tween-bait monster on the world, but at this point he's on his own. We created the monster. The world perpetuated it.

  • Jo 'Mama' Besser

    We gave them Walter Pidgeon, they may stand down!

  • Bert_McGurt

    Oh, agreed. But it's due course to apologize regardless.

  • Mrs. Julien

    I'm sorry. You're right. It's as though I've forgotten how to be Canadian after so many years as an ex-pat. My apologies.

  • Jo 'Mama' Besser

    ...when I have Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman staring at me from the cover of Entertainment Weekly with their DEAD EYES!! Mother, Father, I have failed you!

  • Slash

    Eh, the Canadian douchebag quotient is still way below ours. I honestly can't think of another Canadian douchebag. I'm sure they exist, just not on the global scale of a Bieber.

    Meanwhile, down here, Trump alone is, like, 2 or 3 Biebers. And the Kardashian family (they trade as a unit) is going for 15 Biebers. If one of them starts whining about something, that may go up by 1 or 2 Biebers.

    So, no worries, Canada. You can't outdouche the douchiest country of all. We've got numbers and tradition on our side.

  • bastich

    That gives me an idea...we need an International Douchebag Exchange Rate. "Beiber" could be a unit of currency!

  • **I AM** NotTheOne

    How many Lavignes is that?

  • e jerry powell

    I think the Lavigne has bottomed out somewhere south of the Cambodian riel.

  • Jo 'Mama' Besser

    A Nickel's worth.

    ...oh, don't be shitty, I'm weak.

  • Mrs. Julien

    This reminded me, most pleasantly, of the Virgins to Daniel Craig conversion chart.

    http://www.pajiba.com/eloquent...

  • e jerry powell

    And then there's the Bono-to-Couric chart.

  • Fredo

    Dammit! Where did I misplace that Horn of Winter?!

  • jennp421

    I'm surprised it took two of them to carry him.

  • George Tarleton

    Yes, but if it was just one of them, that'd be more like... wait, no. Now I'm in love with the idea of one of them crouching down in front of him and offering him a horsey ride.

  • e jerry powell

    That's so creepy uncle, it's almost appropriate.

  • crispin

    I would give everything that's in my bank account right now to hear the inner thoughts of the two bodyguards that had to carry him.

  • Mrs. Julien

    "Is that little shit texting?"

  • PDamian

    "So help me God he poops his diapers ... it'd be so easy to trip."

  • TK

    "If I just pretended to stumble a little bit, we could pitch this tiny motherfucker right over the side."

  • Sherry

    YES. Why did no one pay them to take him out?

  • jennp421

    "With him on our shoulders, he's a much easier target now - any takers? Anyone? Bueller?"

  • e jerry powell

    Are there enough Genghis Khan costumes for all of us?

  • NynjaSquirrel

    If you have the means and the money, I'll book a flight.

  • BendinIntheWind

    Congratulations, Biebs, you are now in the vaulted company of Anna Wintour as members of the "Douchebags Who Need To Be Carried Everywhere" club.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    This dude. If anything is going to unleash the torrents of violence and rage I keep locked up, it's this wee idiot. I initially considered him insipid yet harmless. Now. He's a symbol for almost everything wrong in the Western world. If he was a member of the U.S. Congress, he'd have it covered.

  • **I AM** NotTheOne

    I will be appropriating the phrase "wee idiot" for, oh, so many things. Thank you.

  • bastich

    From the downvotes, it appears that we have ourselves some Beliebers on this here page.

  • NynjaSquirrel

    No, I think that was Congress voting (yes, it happens!!), not Bieber fans.

  • Sherry

    ...and now I'm sad again.

  • Todd Sikkema

    Thanks for this^^. Now whenever I hear about this doofus, I'll think to myself, "Oh, it's just wee idiot Beiber." :)

  • Sherry

    Hee. Reading "wee idiot" almost helps me to overcome the rage this scenario has induced.

  • Aaron Schulz

    Ill be honest im a little jealous, ive always wanted a palanquin.

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