Jennifer Lawrence's Best Friend May Be the Only Woman Alive Cooler than Jennifer Lawrence
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Jennifer Lawrence's Best Friend May Be the Only Woman Alive Cooler than Jennifer Lawrence

By Dustin Rowles | Celebrities Are Better than You | March 7, 2014 | Comments ()

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Over on Myspace (?), Laura Simpson — Jennifer Lawrence’s best friend, her date to the Oscars, and the woman who Lawrence fell on getting out of her car — recounted her experiences at the ceremony and Vanity Fair after-party, and basically, she sounds like Jennifer Lawrence if Jennifer Lawrence weren’t famous, which might actually make Laura Simpson more cool than Jennifer Lawrence.

Lawrence and Simpson have been best friends for seven years apparently, since they met at an event, hit it off over the “mutual respect for Chandler Bing, and we’ve been eating pizza together ever since.”

I encourage you to read Simpsons’ entire piece, but here were my favorite highlights from it:

  • We finally arrive at the red carpet and as we exit the car, my date eats shit and uses my freshly done Lauren Conrad up do to break her fall. The crowd goes wild. There are flashbulbs and people circling yet no one asks if I need any help because unless you are famous at the Oscars, you are invisible. I have never experienced anything like it. The only time anyone talks to you is if you are in the way of his or her photo. Oh and photographers on the carpet yell “YOU IN THE HUGE DRESS, GET OUT OF THE FUCKING SHOT.” It’s incredible. It is no wonder actors are crazy.

    jennifer lawrence red carpet fail.gif

  • I get inside and Margot Robbie from Wolf of Wall Street shows me her Kardashian-sized diamond ring in line for the toilet and says “I feel like a guy with a gun should be following me—I could be halfway to Mexico with this by now.”

  • After waiting for my date’s category, her dad and I decide to hit the bar and just watch from the monitor behind the bar and slam a few drinks to make this tolerable. The Academy really needs to spring for more hors d’oeuvres options because now everyone is hammered.

  • My date comes out after her category and we decide to watch the rest of the show in the greenroom where there is pizza. This is where the presenters and winners are hanging out and it’s pretty jarring. Some guy picks up my purse that had fallen off my seat and I say “Thank you… Channing Tatum” and my dress gets caught on Jennifer Garner and we awkwardly laugh and someone tries to separate us.

  • The lovely pregnant Kerry Washington asks me if she could have the Slim Jim in my purse.

  • After the show we go backstage where I meet Brad and Angelina. Brad Pitt smells amazing, like nothing I’ve ever smelled. Eventually we ask what cologne he’s wearing and he tells us, “I don’t wear cologne, it’s just my musk I guess.” I have to choose not to believe him because it would just be unfair to mankind.

  • Everyone goes to Vanity Fair where, much like the Oscars, photographers yell at you and no one gives a shit that you are a human being unless you’re famous. We can’t enjoy ourselves because everyone, whether they know my date or not, has some weird story they just NEED to tell her as they stand in front of me pushing me out of the circle.

  • I get tired of this and decide to follow Bill Murray around the party. At one point he looks in my direction and winks at me while dancing to “If You Want My Body and You Think I’m Sexy” by Rod Stewart—a moment, I now realize, my whole life had been leading up to.

    She also gave her own personal awards. These were my favorite:


    Bill Murray: I love you more than I love my own family.


    Harvey Weinstein at the bar shaking my hand and saying, “you know who I am.”

    Source: MySpace

    Jared Leto Thinks Jennifer Lawrence's Oscars Falling Streak is 'A Bit of an Act' | Idris Elba Will Make Shere Khan the Sexiest Tiger Ever

  • Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

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    • InternetMagpie

      Wow, this is the best one yet.

    • Choco

      Hmm I wonder why Lupita Nyong'o isn't being gushed about in the way Jennifer Lawrence is, i.e "oh I would love to be her bestie and eat food" or whatever. She's also an Oscar winner, and seems way more poised and intelligent than Lawrence is. Black women aren't allowed to "not have a filter" or be "quirky" though. Oh wait, I just answered my own question...

    • e jerry powell

      Well, Jenn Lawrence did graduate from high school with a 3.9 GPA two years early, and she's eight years younger than politician's daughter Lupita (who spent six years more on college - MFA from Yale).

      In fact, I want to be Lupita's bestie. She might take me to Nairobi for a visit. I would love Nairobi to no end. We can go to the Masai Mara and count the moist lions.

    • InternetMagpie

      ... Do you, like, read the internet at all, or...?

    • Choco

      Um like, can you say something intelligent that adds to the discussion or....?

    • To be fair, Lupita is having a big Moment in pop culture, not just on the Internet. She was the fashion winner for the awards season, she's had tons of interviews and coverage of those interviews across the web, many of them here on Pajiba... She's nearly as beloved as JLaw.

    • lowercase_ryan

      Let's all go back to MySpace.

    • e jerry powell

      Not even if they were giving away a Brad Pitt clone with each new page.

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    • Spell temple? What could possibly go wrong. I'm in!

    • Bryan

      Who is this idiot again?

    • kirbyjay

      I've got a feeling going to the Academy Awards is one of those "wow-I-can't-believe-I'm-at-the-Oscars-look-at-all-the-beautiful-gowns-there's-Julia-Roberts-YIKES-BRAD-PITT-yay-Jared-Leto-won-this-is-great-ooooh-open-bar-I'm-standing-in-the-ladies-room-line-with-Reese-Witherspoon-the-presenters-speeches-are-kinda-lame-boy-that-guy-is-talking-a-long-time-who-knew-there-were-so-many-people-to-thank-for-a-short-film-crap-my-ass-is-falling-asleep-how-long-have-we-been-here-my-stomach-is-growling-GRAVITY-WON-AGAIN-who-are-these-people-on-stage-I-wouldn't-have-minded-hearing-Steve-Martin's-speech-instead-of-these-bozos- Son-of-a-bitch-I-have-to-pee-again-I'm-gonna-cut-in-front-of-Kim-Novak-she'll-never-know-wow-that-lady-doesn't-look-human-she's-taking-forever-how-long-have-we-been-here-my-back-is-killing-me-Matthew-McConaughey-won-alright-allright-ALL-FUCKING-RIGHT-best-picture-FINALLY-WHO-GIVES-A-SHIT-NEVER-AGAIN!!!!"

      I'm starting to feel sorry for Meryl Streep

    • TalishaRodrique

      Jennifer is admired and Praise for her best friend as a best woman .

    • Cree83

      This is unbelievable to me, because Brad Pitt LOOKS like he smells like skunk weed, mild BO, and the beach. But maybe he does and the combination just works for him.

    • e jerry powell

      "The Academy really needs to spring for more hors d’oeuvres options because now everyone is hammered."
      She's not wrong. It must have been pretty high in Ellen's mind, at least.

      But: MySpace? Seriously?

    • Pants-are-a-must

      I hope she got paid for that, seriously.

    • e jerry powell

      Would it make any difference now?

    • Pants-are-a-must

      Even more. You know other websites would've paid her good money for that.

    • Stacey A

      My first question is... What the hell happened with MySpace???

    • TheOriginalMRod

      I wondered who the poor girl was that almost got her dress pulled off by JLaw. Well... that is what friends are for. And she got winked at by Bill Murray! Dude. Yeah. I would have let JLaw pull my dress off in front of millions of people for that.

    • John W

      That's Ms Chanandler Bong, thank you very much.

    • Dumily

      "At one point [Bill Murray] looks in my direction and winks at me while dancing to 'If You Want My Body and You Think I’m Sexy' by Rod Stewart—a moment, I now realize, my whole life had been leading up to."

      I never realized how badly I could want to make love to a sentence.

    • I would've spontaneously combusted.

    • hickoryduck

      Source: Myspace

      Nothing about this is cool.

    • Davis


      Why does she care about the media taking a picture of her at a party, no one gives a rats behind about her.

    • Yes, it's not at all dehumanizing to have people yell and scream at you to get out of the way.

    • Davis

      No at the afterparty silly, read the blog post.

    • You mean where she actually says "no one gives a shit that you are a human being unless you're famous"?

    • Davis

      My comment wasn't related to the red carpet though, so I don't see what your point is. The actual blog post by the woman not on this site.

    • Dumily

      Davis expects that famous people shut up and take whatever treatment we give them, and that not famous people don't post anything anywhere ever.

    • Davis

      Is the woman who posted the blog post famous? So what does your comment have to do with my post? So if an actress signs up to chanel or dior, she shouldn't be allowed to complain about being asked fashion it evil of me to think that? I'm not wishing rape and death on them.

    • duckandcover

      .. what?

    • Salieri2

      What is happening here?

    • L.O.V.E.

      The answer would be "my $95 bottle of hair product and $300 per ounce of face cream".

      Pretentious ass.

    • Billybob

      Yes, and when people meet me and say: "What's the weather like up there?" I respond: "The atmospheric variations are imperceptible at this scale."

      Facts are boring. Conversation involves giving people something to disagree with.

    • Stu Rat

      So FOX NEWS, MSNBC and the Internet are all about conversation?

    • Billybob

      No, because they don't listen to what people say back. Especially the internet.

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      Glad to see you agree with me!
      So what do people think of the CGI in the new Captain America clip? I think it's a bit too physics defying to be convincing.

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      Chris Evans's breasts cannot possibly stay that high without help from technology.

    • Modernlove

      Forget JLaw, I want to be this girls BFF. (Okay, fine. It can be a three-person BFF circle.)

    • Berry

      Get in line, lady. Or sir.

    • Modernlove

      Don't think I won't fight dirty.

    • Berry


    • Modernlove

      Playground. 3pm. It's on.

    • Berry

      I'll totally kick sand in your general direction!

    • Modernlove

      I'll...well, I'll probably hide in one of those plastic tube things that connect the slide to the other slide and say not-really mean things.

      I'm a terrible fighter.

    • Berry

      Well now I feel really guilty about the imaginary sand in your eyes...

    • Billybob

      I, too, refuse to believe Brad Pitt. In my manhood, ich kann nicht anders.

    • BendinIntheWind


    • L.O.V.E.

      I would totally give kerry my slim jim.

      Wait. whaaaat?

    • e jerry powell

      Snap it to her!

    • Uriah_Creep

      Apparently her husband already did.

    • e jerry powell

      At least once. Without telling anyone about it.

    • foolsage

      You'd be a fool not to.

    • Sara_Tonin00

      That is pretty fantastic. I can't wait for synthetic "eau de Brad's Pitts" to hit the market.

      Just my musk, I guess. I'm going to find ways to slide that into conversation.

    • Mrs. Julien

      You know what's wacky? I saw Helen Mirren on The Daily Show and she also said that Brad Pitt smells amazing.

    • Ludo_88

      I actually do know what.

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      "Rad Pit", by Brad Pitt. For those who want to smell like Brad Pitt's rad pits.

    • Dumily

      Damnit! I'm so jealous I didn't come up with that.

    • Berry

      I also adore Chandler Bing and pizza, which clearly means we three are destined to meet and become BBFs. CLEARLY!

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      *ahem* FOUR.

    • Berry


    • I'm in.

    • emilya

      can we make that five?

    • Berry

      Why the hell not?

    • cruzzercruz

      The only thing I want more than being famous is to piggyback on someone who is famous. This sounds like surreal fun.

    • Jim

      Do you mean piggyback in the sense of become famous because of them, or in the you wanna play piggyback with, say, MIchael Fassbender?

      Cuz that last one is pretty darn awesome.

    • BigSpain

      I have a friend who plays in the NBA and surreal fun is the best way to describe it. Until you want to just like, have dinner like a normal person and people are making videos of you eat with their phone. Don't film me eating!!! lol

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    • L.O.V.E.

      And here I figured that the chest hair on your avatar was your new spirit animal.

    • chanohack

      That's my OLD spirit animal.

    • chanohack


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    • chanohack


    • e jerry powell

      Now get out there on that streetcorner and work some refraction on that streetlight!

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