If Justin Bieber Gets Recruited into Scientology, I Will Be the Happiest Girl in the World
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If Justin Bieber Gets Recruited into Scientology, I Will Be the Happiest Girl in the World

By Courtney Enlow | Celebrities Are Better than You | November 21, 2013 | Comments ()


So, things are not going well for Justin Bieber. His attempts to prove what a big strong sex-having man he is have backfired what with how his entire popularity is based upon entertaining children. Like a party clown. But, now, he’s gotten into sex, drugs and all kinds of weird racist insanity. Like a party clown. And his fanbase is not responding well. Ticket sales are down, he’s officially a punchline and his army of fetal Beliebers is losing love fast.

And, like the true scampy twat he is, his response is all “sorry not sorry.”

In a truly incredible interview with the Hollywood Reporter, Justin Bieber says lots of things that make me jump up and down and clap like a happy child, because he’s such an ice cream sundae of idiot with douche sprinkles and a butthole cherry.

Here are some dollops. Tattoo all of these quotes on your lower back with some thorns and shit so people know they’re dealing with a badass.

“I’m very influenced by black culture, but I don’t think of it as black or white. It’s not me trying to act or pose in a certain way. It’s a lifestyle — like a suaveness or a swag, per se. But I don’t really like to say the word [‘swag’] anymore. It’s kind of played out.”

“I don’t give a f—…Not ‘I don’t give a f—’ to just be reckless and do whatever, but ‘I don’t give a f— what they say.’ … I know who I am and what I’m doing in my life and what I’ve accomplished and continue to accomplish as a performer, as a writer, as an artist, as a person, as a human being. I’m happy with the man I’m becoming.”

“Michael Jackson didn’t do Off the Wall until he was about 23. Bad, not until he was, like, 25 [Jackson was 29]. I have all the time in the world.”

“What I represent is positivity and brightness and lightness and amazingness. Nothing negative at all.”

You’re goddamn right amazingness.

His manager said great things, too. Regarding Bieber’s assertion that Anne Frank totally would have been a Justin Bieber fan, Scooter (!) Braun said, “At the end [of the museum tour], he felt very connected to [Anne]. They had just showed him the pictures of movie stars in her room, and they said: ‘Maybe you would have been on that wall, Justin. She might have been a fan of yours.’ And he was touched by that.” He also said that “Justin’s Thriller is yet to come.” Which is hilarious because no it isn’t.

But the part I really want to focus on is this:

Bieber’s antics aren’t just attracting the attention of gossip websites and tabloids. His well-worn trajectory of child star-turned-possible-train wreck has at least some in Hollywood concerned. Oprah Winfrey, Adam Levine and Mark Wahlberg each have reached out to Bieber via calls and emails to Braun. Rita Wilson offered to have husband Tom Hanks counsel the young star. Eminem’s manager, Paul Rosenberg, told Braun: “If you ever want Eminem to talk to him, he would do it in a second. He cares about that kid.” (Turns out Eminem’s daughter Hailie Mathers, 17, was a Belieber who got to spend quality time with her idol at his Detroit tour stops.)…

But the most present mentor is Will Smith. Braun tells of a particularly tough time for Bieber around the time he returned from his world tour in May that prompted the movie star to drive to Bieber’s house and pull him out of bed for a three-hour talk. Bieber’s reaction, according to Braun: “He said, ‘Man, that makes me feel so loved. I woke up, and there’s Will Smith, one of, if not the, biggest movie stars on the planet. He took time out of his day for me.’ “

Now, Bieber and Smith have a weekly call to go over any potential issues, emotional or otherwise. (Scientology has never been discussed.) At the same time, Braun adds of Smith, “He’s telling me: ‘Justin’s got to go through it. You can’t stop him from going through it. That’s youth in itself. He’s a young man who’s growing up, and that’s what makes him interesting and relatable. Otherwise, he’d be some kind of weird robot.”


B) YOU GUYS. Scientology has totes come up and I need for Will go give Justin some churching. Then he’ll definitely become a weird robot and everything will be pure.

It’s a good day, people. The kind of day that makes you belieb in a better tomorrow. A day of amazingness and lightness and luminosiquatulance.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not

  • kirbyjay

    I don't know why I get such joy out of the misadventures of Lohan and the Beib. I'm actually a very compassionate person and I feel great sadness for Britney and Amanda Bynes and many others who struggle with addiction or mental illness, but something about narcissistic, self-entitled, untalented twats just make me want to see them fail.

  • Robert Sanchez III

    All the Will Smiths, Tom Hanks and Eminems in the world and the little motherfucker still chills with Chris Brown. That would be the one to worry about.
    On another note,but the comment about the big strong sex having man thing rubbed me the wrong way. as much of a little douche as he is the guys like what 19 now? He has sex with prostitutes probably because he wanted to have sex, not because he was trying to prove something. The dismissiveness of the statement bothered me though I don't like the kid.

  • booboochile


  • Uriah_Creep

    I'm just going to say it, Courtney (and I have a feeling I've said it before): you're a fucking delight. And "luminosiquatulance" belongs in the OED.

  • "I like black culture but I don't think of it as black culture except I did just call itthat and-uh--uh--what did I say ? Huh? Uh uh...Boobies?"

  • muscleman

    Justin's Thriller is on the way....SERIOUSLY???

    That guy must be making some money off that kid.

  • Just shut up forever, Beiber. Your most recent single is about blowjobs so we know you TOTALLY know what sex is and you fetishize black culture so we know you're "cool." He's like a walking CBS sitcom: desperate to be seen as current and cool and sexy, but so flat and transparent in every attempt.

  • Final comment on the matter: can "Big Strong Sex-Havin' Man" be a song? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE?

  • All I can think of is the fact that my cat likes to show off by thoroughly scratching his scratching post, and I say "ARE YOU A BIG STRONG MAN?!?!?" So yeah, there's that.

  • bastich

    Preferably sung to the tune of "John Henry".

  • bastich

    So the Biebster has been offered life coaching from Slim Shady, Marky Mark, The Fresh Prince of Dianetics, and People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive 2013.

    Good lord, it's like the The League of Extraordinary TMZ Headlines....

  • dizzylucy

    All this tells me is that Oprah, Adam, Mark and Will all have too much time on their hands.

  • IngridToday

    I guess this explains why Will Smith's kids keep showing up at awards with terrible 90s Halloween costumes. He's too busy with Beiber.

  • Miguel Angel Portela

    I can't.

  • Christy

    If you haven't yet, you need to see this. It'll make today an even better day. http://www.funnyordie.com/vide...

  • lowercase_ryan

    I actually don't think these quotes are all that bad.

  • Krissy

    "because he’s such an ice cream sundae of idiot with douche sprinkles and a butthole cherry"

    I hate this expression but...LOL!! That literally made me LOL at my desk

  • Jezzer

    Depending on how fast his downward spiral progresses, I'm not sure whether he'll appear on Dancing With the Stars first, or Celebrity Intervention (but I'm secretly hoping for E's True Hollywood Mysteries).

  • IngridToday

    What was the reality show where washed up celebrities shared a house? It's an amazing train wreck. They need to bring that show back and have him "star".

  • The Surreal Life. A season with him and Lindsay Lohan together, I can see it now...

  • IngridToday

    Add Miley Cyrus and the somehow get the homophobic Cheney daughter.

  • bastich

    This Bieber guy is hilarious! Sarah Silverman could take some tips from him.

  • kushiro -

    Sure, kid, you're tired of swag, but when you're stuck out in the Outback in mid-July you'll be sorry you decided to bring just a sleeping bag.

  • BWeaves

    Where are his parents in all this?

    Oh right, they're off spending his money on their retirement.

  • He has parents? I thought he was built. By a carpenter. Named Geppeto.

    One day he'll be a REAL boy!

  • BWeaves

    Well, that would explain why he's turning into an jackass while exploring Pleasure Island.

  • Alex0001

    Geppeto Usher?

  • John G.

    He's over 18. They no longer get his money.

  • Replica

    I like this kid a lot and you can't stop me. >:)

  • Mrs. Julien

    He is a perfect candidate for Scientology.

  • John G.

    He's a shoo-in. The 3 main considerations when recruiting a celebrity to Scientology are

    1. are they super duper rich?
    2. are they emotionally vulnerable?
    3. are they really really dumb?

  • Bieber reeks of awesomeness

  • I would *love* to hear Bieber get specific about what aspects of black culture influence him most.

  • oilybohunk7

    My guess? Sizzurp.

  • Lulu

    Eminem's daughter is 17!!!! (yes, that was my takeaway)

  • John G.

    She's 17. She's the daughter of Eminem. Why hasn't she been caught by TMZ doing something horrible yet?

  • Perhaps because he has made it so clear that everything he has accomplished was to provide her with a better life, so she has no daddy issues? She knows she is loved and not desperate for attention.

  • eag46

    Exactly. Not every celebrity spawn is doomed or destined to self-destruction. Even the worst behaved celebrities can manage to be excellent parents. Something to be said for the "Don't do anything that will get you on TMZ" rule, I suppose.

  • Bob Genghis Khan

    I guess he should just be like every other 19 year old who gets money, fame, and women thrown at him and *not" indulge.

    oh wait

  • Smokin

    Best news of my whole day.


  • Sara_Tonin00

    It's so very noble of all those celebrities who care about Bieber to try to steer him right.

    But maybe they could mentor teenagers in greater need?

  • This is great Court. The alternate definition of schadenfreude should be "the feeling that makes you want to see how Bieber's life plays out."

    Also, I am personally rooting for Charlie Sheen to become his mentor. It totally would make sense. And Bieber would last three days before disappearing into Canadian witness protection for the rest of his life.

  • Uriah_Creep

    I'm sorry, SLW, but The Biebs cannot come back to Canada. He belongs to the ages now...

  • Guest

    Only if there is adult supervision.


  • I'd rather leave him with Lisa Ann (the porn actress who portrays Sarah Palin).

  • Classic

    Whatever Beiber.

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